Zeroth Moment: My Cheat Skill Is Stupid, So I'll Just Ignore It

"Oh, there you are, Bailey-sensei." Hotaka swung the door open at Topher's insistent knock, looking inscrutable. "Did you and Haruko-chan get separated after class?"

"You might say that," said Topher, holding his bloody nose. He stepped into the room and held out his book and notes to the smaller boy. "I had an opportunity I couldn't pass up."

Hotaka took the book wonderingly; he scurried over to his desk and splayed it out, beginning to leaf through its pages. "Where did you get this, Bailey-sensei? This is really incredible!"

"That's a story for another time," replied Topher, tearing a small strip of paper off the bottom of one of Hotaka's notepads and using it to staunch his bleeding nostril closed. "But the short version is that it wasn't easy to get, and we don't get to keep it. I'll have to return it eventually."

"I see." Hotaka cleaned his glasses briefly, then began sketching out notes and diagrams of his own. "Is that how you were injured?"

"No, I got punched in the face by your girlfriend," Topher snorted, then regretted it as a jolt of pain went through his sinuses. "She's got this stupid idea in her head about unlocking the Monk Class and joining the Adventurer's Guild -- not that we even know for sure if you can unlock Classes. I talked her out of it for now, but she'll probably do it eventually."

"Makoto-chan can be quite stubborn, Bailey-sensei," commented Hotaka without turning around; Topher could hear the grin in his voice, however. "And she is not my girlfriend."

"Only because you two are idiots," sighed Topher. "You like her, she likes you, you're both wasting time. The sooner you both get it out of your system, the sooner you can discover how relationships actually work and have a messy interdimensional break-up."

"If such a thing is to happen, Bailey-sensei, I see no reason to rush it." Hotaka continued to work on transcribing and cross-referencing; Topher had a feeling he'd be at it for a while. As he watched, Hotaka pulled some additional papers out of a drawer -- Topher's own notes from last night -- and began to check through them as well, ticking off boxes and making footnotes.

After five minutes, Topher was getting bored; after ten, he wanted to kill himself. "What the hell do you do all day, anyway?" he commented, flopping down on Hotaka's bed. "Noboru's got religion; Makoto's got Fist Fever. Haruko slaves away all day burning herself out so people can make fun of her magic, and I run around helping all three of them and regretting it. But I don't have any idea what you do when you're not helping Haruko."

"I am studying, Bailey-sensei." Hotaka didn't look up; he was obviously totally engrossed. "I spend a small portion of my time cross-referencing what you and Haruko-chan learn about magic, but the majority of my time is spent attempting to understand our Statuses and the ways by which we may interact with them."

"Jesus," Topher groaned. "And I thought you were a nerd before."

"It intrigued me, for example," continued Hotaka, "that my Status showed a 'Social Studies' skill that none of my classmates had, and I wondered if I could make another skill appear by studying a different subject -- Physics, for example -- that I had not been proficient in before the summoning. As a result, I have been reading the Physics textbooks which survived the journey from our world and performing various experiments."

"Did it work?" As much as Topher didn't want to ask, he couldn't say he wasn't curious.

"It did, Bailey-sensei. The Skills section of my Status now reports that I have Physics at Rank F." Hotaka took a short break to massage a cramp out of his hand, then continued writing. "But I suspect the process is more involved than simply study; I noticed that none of us have entirely theoretical skills. It is possible that in order for a Skill to appear in our Status, it must give rise to a capability of some sort; I suspect my efforts with Physics were successful because it allowed me to perform experiments and make calculations that I otherwise would not have been able to."

Topher scowled. "Then how would Social Studies be a viable Skill? It's not like you can 'go out and social studies'."

"You can, Bailey-sensei. If one were to put the material in such a subject to practical use -- say, by performing economic analyses, or using knowledge of history and political science to predict or analyze the actions of others -- then apparently that is sufficient to qualify."

"And you're telling me you did all that? Christ, Hotaka, I'm not sure there are numbers to describe how dorky you might be."

"Numbers can describe virtually any continuum, Bailey-sensei," returned Hotaka, unperturbed. "But I can confirm I have engaged in such pursuits. Tabletop RPG design has a surprisingly varied and demanding skillset."

"Okay, fine, so you're king of the nerds," sighed Topher. "What good does that do us?"

"Directly? Very little, I am sure." Hotaka turned to the next page in the book. "However, I imagine that it has any number of potential uses. If I can analyze the systems by which this world functions to a sufficient level, I may be able to determine strategies or even exploits for any particular objective we might choose. It will likely take a very long time; I have barely begun performing the vast array of basic physics experiments needed to determine to what degree, if any, natural laws function differently here than in our own world. It is quite tedious." He turned to the next page in his notebook. "If I had MP, I would likely be experimenting with magic instead; it seems more useful in the short-term. But, as you are aware, my max MP is zero; I will never be able to cast any spells. The most I can hope for is to be of use to Haruko-chan."

"Makes two of us," grumbled Topher. "Although you're a lot more help than I am. It should probably be you taking those classes with her."

Hotaka paused. "Why do you say that, Bailey-sensei?"

"I mean, isn't it obvious?" Topher gestured tiredly. "Haruko's the mage, you're the brain; I don't bring anything to the table."

"We do not yet know if you have MP, Bailey-sensei." Hotaka returned to his notes. "For all we know, you could be capable of casting spells, as well."

Topher rolled his eyes. "Right, sure. Step right up, see Uncle Grandpa The Wizard, as he farts out a spell and takes a magical nap." He curled his lip. "Let's talk about something that isn't stupid, okay?"

Hotaka obediently put down his pencil, closed the book on his notes, and turned to face Topher. "As you wish. What did you want to discuss?"

Topher sighed. "I ended up wandering around the castle for a while today; that's why I didn't come home with Haruko. The short version is that the castle still doesn't make sense; all the rooms that the Otherworlders are using to live take up nearly a quarter of the castle, and there's no way those spaces were just sitting empty before the Summoning. And there aren't enough goods coming in or out for the volume of people living inside."

"There was another Summoning ten years ago," Hotaka pointed out. "Is it not possible they re-used the rooms and real estate from that period?"

"Maybe," Topher admitted. "But if so, what happened before that? Did they know exactly how many rooms to build before the previous Summoning? And have you ever seen any deliveries go into or out of the castle? I mean, where are they getting all the milk and bread they need to feed thirty-odd super-powered Japanese kids? Or the water they'll need to drink and bathe? What are they doing with all their garbage?"

Hotaka shrugged. "The most likely answer to all those questions is 'magic', Bailey-sensei; and the better I understand this world's magic, the more confident I will feel in being able to answer such questions. For example, if we know teleportation is possible, that would make it more likely as a probable transportation option for goods."

"It is," Topher immediately replied. "The mage teaching Haruko's class yesterday teleported out at the end of the class, and back in today."

"That would appear to lend weight to the conjecture," Hotaka agreed. "But that only proves that it is possible to teleport oneself; transport of goods at scale would require teleportation of containers, vehicles, or similar ways to move large amounts of goods easily."

"Not if they have portals," Topher objected. "At that point, even if a particular bag or box or whatever is small, you could make it up on rate."

"True," Hotaka admitted. "That is why I feel that analyzing Haruko-chan's mage training curricula is so valuable; knowing exactly what can be accomplished with magic may help us to determine what the possible answers might be to some of our questions about the nature of this place, and the situation we find ourselves in. If portals exist, is it not possible that the anomalous size of the dungeon might be explained by portals to other dungeons? Or, if magic is capable of copying large sections of land, perhaps the castle's original architects only built one jail cell and made many copies of it?" The boy shrugged. "Without knowledge of what is or is not possible, deduction becomes much less reliable."

"We could just ask people," Topher grumped.

Hotaka shook his head. "Their answers may not be reliable, Bailey-sensei. Additionally, I imagine many of our questions would be confusing to them; imagine one of them in our world, asking how to open their status window. Not only would be we helpless to assist them, but we would have great difficulty even understanding their goal, and likely thereafter be suspicious of anything else they might ask."

"Okay, okay, fine." Topher levered himself up out of the bed with a groan and staggered to his feet. "My brain hurts. I'm gonna go make dinner while you nerd it up in here."

"As you wish, Bailey-sensei." Hotaka turned back to the book and his notes. "Do you need any ingredients from my Unique Skill?"

Topher pondered. "Yeah, I guess so. Gimme about three carrots, five potatoes, an onion, a ginger root, and however many garlic cloves you can abra-cadabra up."

Hotaka's pencil halted in mid-air. "Are you making what I think you are making, Bailey-sensei?"

Topher smirked. "Gimme the vegetables and you'll find out."

That evening, after the five of them had enjoyed a deeply satisfying meal of Topher's now-famous It's Almost Curry With Rice, they talked about nothing for a while; everyone seemed more relaxed with a belly-full of rice and stew. Despite the day's stresses, even Haruko seemed cheerful and content, and Makoto didn't even comment on Topher's nose or her bruised face. Noboru was quiet, as he had been of late, but seemed grateful for the meal. Eventually, the conversation turned to things they missed from Earth.

"Television," said Topher, immediately. "I used to watch that stuff all day. Game shows, movies, talk shows, racing, even stupid soap operas and cartoons. If any of the other heroes turn out to have a Summon Television Unique Skill, I'm just gonna go live in a cave with them instead."

"Bailey-sensei!" Haruko protested, hurt, but the others just laughed. "Well, I miss cats. My family had a kitten that always slept with me." The young woman sighed. "She was so cute. My heart melts just thinking about her."

"I miss manga," said Hotaka, pushing his glasses up. "And playing my shamisen. Although I suppose I could probably get a shamisen from Oguro-san."

"Hey, yeah!" Makoto leaned forward, excited. "You could play, and Noboru-kun could sing! I bet people would pay money to hear that, especially if Noboru-kun's songs removed fatigue!"

Noboru smiled, a little guardedly. "I suppose it might be nice. What about you, Makoto-chan?"

"I miss showers," said Makoto, wrinkling her nose. "Even after a bath here, I still feel dirty, and I've almost given up on my hair completely. If it weren't for that box of shampoos and stuff I got from Oguro-san, I probably would have shaved my head like Noboru-kun by now."

"But you have beautiful hair," protested Hotaka, then blushed when he realized what he'd said. Stammering an excuse, he fled the room; Makoto blushed as well, but managed to hold her ground.

Topher chuckled, then decided to break the tension a little. "What about you, Noboru?" he asked the rotund boy. "Anything in particular you miss from Earth?"

Noboru was silent for a long time; Topher wasn't sure if he was considering his answer, or had something else on his mind. "Video games," he replied eventually. "I can still practice my drawing here, but there really isn't any substitute for video games."

"This world is kind of like a video game, Noboru-kun," Haruko pointed out. "Does that help at all?"

"Yeah! Cause you could, like, level up for real here!" interjected Makoto.

"It's not really the same," Noboru said, shaking his head. "In a video game, when you die, you can just restart. We have to be a little more..." he paused, considering his words carefully. "We have to commit to our courses of action," he finally murmured.

Things were silent and contemplative for a few seconds; then Haruko commented that she missed karaoke, and things degenerated rapidly after that. After the third duet between Haruko and Makoto of some weird Japanese song in English he didn't know, Topher excused himself (despite the gathering being held in his own room) and went across the hall to see if Hotaka had died of embarrassment.

As he raised his hand to knock on the other boy's door, it flew open and the studious young man nearly collided with Topher; he cursed involuntarily and stumbled back. "Jeez, kid! You about gave me a heart attack!"

Hotaka adjusted his glasses, looking sheepish. "I'm sorry, Bailey-sensei. I just wanted to show you the results of my work." He held up a large page upon which six boxes were drawn, with words and runes in each:

SPRING

New Moon

Waxing Moon

Full Moon

Waning Moon

Morning

Ehn

Ehf

Oiz

Om

Day

Lhei

Ikei

Elg

Yn

Evening

Ghan

Uhl

Eht

Op

Dusk

Ghon

Poq

Zoqq

Akq

SUMMER

New Moon

Waxing Moon

Full Moon

Waning Moon

Morning

Ru

Koth

Zoff

Veb

Day

Iss

Koreq

Zom

Viex

Evening

Xow

Kuul

Xym

Vil

Dusk

Nimaq

Korr

Zraqq

Vord

AUTUMN

New Moon

Waxing Moon

Full Moon

Waning Moon

Morning

Bwin

Uud

Xipk

Sha

Day

Fuush

Ib

Zefekk

Suu

Evening

Thuum

Ish

Bomch

Solmi

Dusk

Poreg

Orv

Ury

Moj

WINTER

New Moon

Waxing Moon

Full Moon

Waning Moon

Morning

Vum

Yxo

Rhyf

Byshk

Day

Viak

Teijuc

Ozi

Phii

Evening

Voro

Inush

Elrr

Ijto

Dusk

Voq

Oretu

Xat

Shoi

HIGH RUNES

Rxs

(Spatial Geometry?)

Dahf

(Intensification? Unclear)

Yttr

(Almost certainly Time)

Eid

(Something to do with thought?)

Rosh

(Inversion? Unclear)

Zu

(Unknown)

Danx

(Unknown)

Kuus

(Unknown, possibly something to do with Quantity?)

Mij

(Unknown)

Jhu

(Unknown)

Palz

(Unknown)

GRAND RUNES

Ahtvor

(Unknown)

Vahraj

(Unknown)

Tanok

(Unknown)

Meigu

(Unknown)

Cairei

(Unknown)

Moxix

(Unknown)

Korpu

(Unknown)

Hoqnat

(Unknown)

Gadiph

(Unknown)

Neifod

(Unknown)

Xegar

(Unknown)

Vujban

(Unknown)

Duthan

(Unknown)

As Topher scanned the words, he felt a deep sense of rightness, like the clear delineations were clicking into place in his brain. "Hey, Hotaka, this is pretty easy to understand. How'd you figure this all out?"

The smaller boy looked down, a half-smile on his lips. "Most of it came from your notes, Bailey-sensei, and the rest from the book you brought back from the castle. All I did was eliminate some duplication of information and codify a few things." He pointed to the section for Summer runes. "As you most likely know better than I, the individual meanings of each common rune are deeply subjective; a sequence which begins with 'Lhei' and continues into 'Koreq' will be completely different from one that begins with 'Koreq' and then continues into 'Lhei', even though they are the same."

"Right," mumbled Topher, scanning the grids of runes, "because the line trends upwards or downwards in two directions." Idly, he wondered how he knew that, but he was too busy reading to stop and question it.

"Exactly, Bailey-sensei!" Hotaka snapped his fingers triumphantly. "And there's more -- I haven't decoded much of what exists beyond the common runes, but what intent and visualization you have seems to matter as well -- and additionally, it seems that most combinations are invalid, for some reason. The book is very clear that only 'correct' combinations will produce a valid spell effect, although what the list of valid spells might be is probably impossibly large."

"How'd you figure out what the High Runes do?" asked Topher, poking at the bottom two grids. "That all just sounded like gobbledegook to me."

"Much of it I inferred from your notes, Bailey-sensei," said Hotaka, "but I suspect they function similarly to particles and predicates in our languages from Earth -- modifiers and functors, to borrow a term from semantics." Topher's eyes started to glaze over, and Hotaka hurried onward. "For example, your notes indicated that 'Ehn', a common rune, could be modified with 'Dahf' -- a High Rune -- to produce 'Vahraj', a Grand Rune. That implies that 'Dahf' is an intensifier, like the adjective 'very'; but instead of being added to 'Ehn', it transforms 'Ehn' into 'Vahraj', which is extremely confusing. I suspect there is a great deal of nuance involved -- far more than I can distinguish as an outsider."

"Hotaka, if you can't figure this out, none of the rest of us have any hope," commented Topher sourly. "But you obviously worked really hard to get this far; maybe it'll be the edge Haruko needs. It's a big win." He chucked the boy on the shoulder, gently. "Don't know what we'd do without you, kid."

Hotaka scuttled backwards a bit and bowed. "It is my honor, Bailey-sensei." Guess he doesn't like being touched, Topher realized. Can't say I blame 'em. "If you could give that to Haruko-chan, I would be very grateful; the effort has been quite tiring, and I need to rest."

"Sure, no problem." Topher waved and headed back to his suite, then gave the notes to Haruko and kicked everyone out. He damn sure wasn't staying up until midnight two days in a row.

The next few days passed in a blur; Noboru continued his apprenticeship at the local shrine, while Makoto did terrifying amounts of calisthenics. Hotaka continued his inscrutable program of study, and Haruko and Topher bashed their brains against the confusing and contradictory half-knowledge of magic in Haruko's classes. As Sugimoto had predicted, Haruko started out behind the curve and progressively degenerated; she was still struggling with the introductory spells long after the rest of the class had moved on to more complex topics, like battle magic and enchantments. Topher expected her to give up and drop out in frustration almost immediately, but to his surprise, she persisted; although her progress was slow, painful, and inconsistent, she kept at it with an iron will he could only envy. Accordingly, her drive and stubbornness kept him from quitting, even though he would have dearly loved to; but Topher was as biologically incapable of allowing himself to be shown up by a teenage girl in a contest of hard work as he was of floating off into the sun. And so he toiled, scratching out desperate notations and half-understood guesses at topics far beyond him in the dirt of the classroom floor during the day, and puzzled over the book and Hotaka's notes far into the night most nights. If Haruko was inept, he was downright incompetent; if not for the occasional random insight or accidental comprehension which intermittedly got her through some roadblock or other, he would have thought he was hindering more than he was helping. But slowly, skills began to appear in Haruko's status: first Mage Light at Rank F, then Magic Dart at Rank F. After a long and grueling slog, she eventually even got Mage Light to Rank D.

Eventually, however, Topher could no longer suppress the increasingly loud complaints of his conscience that he was fiddling with pens and paper while Cailu starved; he doubted that he could get too many more provisions to the elf without arousing suspicion, and doubted even more that he could convince anyone, even King Vicon, to release a prisoner solely on his say-so. Everything was just too complicated and there were too many conflicts of interest; it would be best for everyone if Cailu simply disappeared. The tricky part was getting the key; despite all his efforts, he had yet to find any hint of a guard captain or similar high-ranking individual who would be responsible for securing prisoners -- and to make matters worse, he didn't even know if Cailu's cell had its own key, or if there was just one master key that opened all the cells. Eventually, he realized that he would need to press Cailu for additional information at least one more time; if the castle had a specific jailer, presumably whoever had thrown the elf into the jail cell in the first place would have had to have the key. At least this time he'd remember to bring rations and a book for the poor bastard.

Thus determined, he suffered through yet another interminable academic excruciation with Haruko, then tugged her gently towards the dungeon entrance after the class was over. The guards were so used to seeing them go into the dungeon at this point that nobody even looked at them, which Topher hoped was a good sign.

"Remember," he muttered to Haruko as they descended the steps into the darkness, "you'll need to treat Cailu like he's me when you're escaping. After I get all the information I can about the key, see if you can help him figure out how to imitate me; it'll give him something else to do while he's slowly going nuts down here in the dark."

"I understand, Bailey-sensei," Haruko replied, nodding obediently. Topher sighed. Kid like her doesn't deserve any of this. She should be home, going on dates and hanging out at the mall.

As they approached the elf's cell, Topher banged on the bars; "Visiting hours, Cailu. Hope you're hungry for leftover curry." But as he did so, he could already tell something was wrong. He peered into the cell, trepidation crawling up his spine like cold fingers.

Cailu lay facedown in the cell; he didn't look comfortable, but Topher also noticed that his form hadn't been fuzzy and sputtering as they'd approached. Topher had a sinking feeling about a large number of things. "Haruko, can you give me a little Mage Light?"

The young woman nodded and quickly murmured out the runic sequence; versicolor light billowed out from the flowery shape which rose into the air out of her hands, illuminating the interior of the cell in ghastly hues. Blood had soaked into the straw and pooled on the stones; Cailu had obviously been dead for a day, if not more. Haruko clapped her hands over her mouth, horrified.

Topher sighed. Well at least now we don't have to steal the key.