Zeroth Moment: My Cheat Skill Is Stupid, So I'll Just Ignore It

Topher's skin kept trying to crawl off his body; the coppery, rotten smell coming off the corpse was overwhelming. He fought down the urge to flee and crept closer, waving for Haruko to calm down. "Keep the light going. We need to find out what happened."

The corpse had fallen a bit back from the bars; Topher pressed his body up against them and strained, but couldn't quite reach Cailu. Damn. I don't have anything I can use to extend my reach, either. He looked around for something that he could use his Attract Object power in the cell that might let him reach the body, but it didn't seem to contain anything except straw. Maybe I can pull Cailu's belt off and use it to drag the body over, or something.

Topher reached out for Cailu's belt and was shocked to see the entire corpse slide over to him; that's weird. I've never been able to move an object that heavy before. Probably not the time to experiment, though. He heard a stifled squeak from Haruko. "Yeah, I'm not thrilled about touching him either. But we need more information, alright?"

Haruko hid her face behind her hands. "Y-yes, Bailey-sensei. I'll... I'll keep the light going... I will. Just... just please don't ask me to look, okay?"

"Uh huh." The cold, yielding flesh of the corpse felt disgusting to his touch, and smelled horrific; he almost retched. Just think of it as a mannequin. A mannequin that fell in some garbage. You've touched a lot of garbage in your life. Eventually, with some effort, he managed to flip the corpse over onto its back.

Cailu's face was horrid to look at; his eyes were fixed in different directions, and one eye was half-closed while the other was wide open and full of blood. The elf's mouth was stuck open in a half-sagging scream, and Topher had to look away to keep himself from projectile vomiting all over the crime scene; he felt himself dissociating. Nope; downright Noperiffic. Nopetown: population me. Not gonna think about that. Just gotta look for clues. He examined the body for wounds, hoping to glean some information about what might have killed the elf.

The deathblow was obvious fairly quickly; a large, gaping wound in the elf's stomach. Topher tried his best to examine it without touching it, moving Cailu's shirt slightly with his pinched fingertips; the edges of the wound at the top and bottom were thin and sharp, but became torn and jagged towards the center. Stabbed, maybe. Then something bad happened; almost like somebody shoved something in after they stabbed him. The amount of blood and awful things coming out of the wound were too much for Topher to deal with for more than a few seconds, though, and he eventually backed off, gasping for breath. No way he survived that. He must have bled out in seconds. Hoping to give himself a few minutes to breathe, he looked at the rest of the cell, trying to figure out where the elf must have been positioned when the killing blow was dealt. "He was on his face over there... there's a lot of blood here, near the bars, but then most of it's pooled over there. I think he was up against the bars when he was stabbed... then he fell backwards and turned over onto his stomach while he was dying." He shivered. Listen to me. What the hell am I doing, playing CSI: Middle-Earth?

"Bailey-sensei?" Haruko's voice was small and muffled; she was still covering her face with her hands. "Does... does he still have the amulet?"

Crap. Oh, crap. The jolt of fear which pierced Topher buried his revulsion almost instantly; hurriedly, he reached out to feel Cailu's neck, and dread washed over him as he felt only clammy, flaccid skin. "No. Goddammit. That means the killer probably has it."

Haruko shrank back, her back roughly contacting the wall behind them. "Maybe... maybe they don't know what it is?" she asked hopefully.

Topher shook his head. "Probably not; they didn't take any of the rest of his clothing or accessories. So now not only do we not know who killed him, but they can make themselves look like anyone they see, which is somehow the least awful fact about all this." He sat down heavily, burying his face in his hands; his brain kept going in circles, counting up all the things that were going wrong. "We've been seen coming down here multiple times; we'll be the biggest suspects. Hell, we'll be the only suspects."

"What do we do?" Haruko clutched at his sleeve. "Bailey-sensei, we should report this immediately!"

Topher scowled. "Haruko, grow up; they'll pin this on us even if they think we're innocent. People don't like a crime without a criminal; if they can't find one, they'll make one." He got to his feet roughly. "No, our only hope is to pretend we didn't see this, go home like nothing happened, and pray they forget he's down here -- which shouldn't be too big of an ask, seeing as how he would have died of dehydration down here weeks ago if we hadn't intervened. That way, the only ones who know he's dead will be us and the killer. And maybe that'll give us a lead."

Haruko's fingers dug into his arm. "I... I don't know if I can do that, Bailey-sensei. I'm really scared."

"You weren't too scared to visualize Lesser Yashfii." Topher pointed at Haruko's flower-shaped Mage Light, still floating over Cailu's corpse. He patted her hand gently. "You're stronger than you think, kid. Take a minute; douse the light and breathe. Okay?"

After a moment, she nodded; her grip on his arm relaxed, but she didn't let go. "Yes. Okay." Her voice trailed off into a tear-filled squeak at the end, but her back stayed straight. "You are right."

Topher patted her hand again. "Whenever you're ready." Which is hopefully soon, because being in the dark next to a dead guy is creeping me the fuck out.

They made it back to the inn without further incident; luckily, Topher hadn't gotten any blood or other elf juices on him. He needed to warn the others, but leaving Haruko alone galled him; the killer could be walking around disguised as anybody. "Lock your door, and don't let anybody in except me, okay? We don't know if the killer knows how to use the amulet, but if they do, they could pretend to be any of us." He kept opening and closing the zipper on his hoodie; he couldn't help himself. Stop that. Stop. You're freaking yourself out.

"But what if..." -- Haruko blew her nose and sniffed -- "...what if they copy you, Bailey-sensei?"

Topher closed his eyes and ran his hands over his face; trying to think while he fought off the urge to hyperventilate was difficult. He took a few deep breaths to try and slow his jackhammering pulse. "We need one of those... things. Shit. A password. Don't let me in unless I say... um. Something. 'Apple'."

"'Apple'. I understand, Bailey-sensei." She clutched at his hand again. "Bailey-sensei, please be careful. You could get killed, too!"

Topher shook her off, trying to be gentle. "I will. I'll be fine. Stay here, don't let anybody in, don't let anyone know you're in here." Shaking, he left in a hurry; he needed to move, needed to act, but he just kept going in circles. Got to warn everyone. Got to find out what happened. Nobody will help us; we can't do this alone. Where to go first? Got to move, got to move.

He knocked on the door to Noboru and Hotaka's shared suite, but apparently no one was in; even pounding on the door produced no answer. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Topher went into his own room, but there was no help in there, either; he just paced back and forth, getting more anxious by the step. Should I go to Makoto's? No, she'd just charge off and try to punch her way to victory. Topher needed a plan; he needed someone smarter than him to tell him what to do. He needed a fucking cigarette.

Shit. Oguro.

In a flash, Topher had it; he rushed out the door, barely remembering to lock it behind him. It was the perfect solution; in one stroke, he could tell Oguro what had happened to Cailu by citing their previous relationship, find out if Cailu had had any enemies, and make the entire thing his problem all in one go. Oguro probably had at least a D-Rank Intelligence, and maybe even C-Rank; he was a wizard strong enough to kill whatever Naungraloth had been in a single spell, and he had access to almost infinite supplies. He might even have a 'detect elf slayer' spell, or some equally serendipitous deus ex machina solution; and, best of all, he'd be able to sell Topher some cigarettes. A Topher with cigarettes was infinitely more capable of dealing with murdered elves than a Topher without cigarettes. He scurried through the streets to Oguro's office; it was barely even noon, so it would definitely be open. It was a perfect plan; absolutely nothing could go wrong now.

When he arrived, he burst through the door forcefully enough that Oguro's secretary squawked and nearly shot him with some kind of hand crossbow; that made them both even jumpier, but eventually he managed to get his chattering teeth to calm down enough that he could get words past them. "Need to... Oguro. Important. He in...?"

The secretary, whom Topher now noticed had red eyes and very small horns on her forehead, put the crossbow away and adjusted her glasses primly. "Great Oguro is at lunch, Mr. Bailey. If you wish, you may wait for him upstairs; you are on his list of 'privileged clientele', despite the outrageous damage you caused last time you were here." She sniffed. "That being said, I would caution you against snooping or sticky fingers; the office is quite well-warded, and touching anything may reduce you to ashes, which I imagine would quite inconvenience all of us."

Topher flinched. "Uh, yeah. Being a pile of ashes would definitely ruin my weekend plans." Shaking, he made his way up the narrow staircase to Oguro's office and let himself in, then sat in one of the leather chairs and tried very hard not to touch anything. It did not help his nerves.

Some while later, he heard the mage come bustling in downstairs; the secretary spoke to him in a murmur Topher couldn't quite overhear, but he could make out Oguro's response well enough. "Fantastic. Well, at least we'll get some gold out of it; he's probably just fiending for some cigarettes, or something. I'll go see what he --"

"OGURO. WE MUST SPEAK."

The voice that boomed into the office from the street outside was so loud Topher involuntarily clapped his hands over his ears; it sounded like thunder at point-blank range, or being right next to the speaker stack at a concert. Dimly, through his newly-emergent tinnitus, he heard a curse from downstairs, then the banging of a door opening forcefully.

He couldn't see what was going on, but Oguro's voice came up the stairway loudly and clearly. "Jyact. I'm with a customer at the moment; whatever you need will have to wait."

"WE MUST SPEAK NOW. I HAVE URGENT NEED OF BUSINESS." Topher heard crashing and groaning sounds from downstairs, along with a scandalized shriek from Oguro's secretary.

"Hey, don't go in there! Dumbass, you won't even fit in the building!" He heard Oguro, obviously annoyed, coming into the office foyer and attempting to shut the door behind them; from the scraping, rattling sound that ensued, he imagined that Jyact had nearly torn the thing off its hinges. Dimly, he wondered if Oguro had an ogre or giant for a customer, or something.

"I APOLOGIZE. YOU WILL BE COMPENSATED FOR ANY DAMAGES."

"Great," came Oguro's voice, now sounding muffled and somehow squished, "that really makes me feel a shitload better." He heard more shuffling and groaning sounds, followed by something shattering and another curse. "If I help you with whatever it is you want, will you just go away? No amount of money is worth the headache you always give me."

"AS YOU WISH. I AM BOUND TO DELIVER A MESSAGE TO YOU, AND CANNOT PROCEED WITH OTHER BUSINESS UNTIL I DO. ARE YOU READY TO RECEIVE THE MESSAGE?"

"Sure, whatever, let's get this over with." Oguro sounded royally pissed; Topher hoped he'd still be willing to sell him cigarettes after whatever this was. "What's your stupid message?"

"THIS."

There was a strange sound from downstairs; it sounded like tearing and squishing, followed by a sort of sizzling. The floor creaked slightly, as though a large weight had been resettled in some way, and there was silence for a few seconds. Then Topher heard something that made everything else that had happened to him that day seem like a delightful dream.

Hideo Oguro screamed.

It was unlike any scream Topher had ever heard before; it was full to bursting with despair, so heartbroken and terrified that it scourged his soul. It was the scream of a man who has been running from something all his life, and who has just discovered that he has not run fast enough.

Oguro's scream died away; there was murmuring, something Topher couldn't hear, followed by another scream that was abruptly choked off. He heard a whisper, something ice-cold; he heard glass shatter, like someone had dropped a crystal bowl from a great height.

And then he heard a crunching noise, a noise which silenced all other noises. It was loud, like someone snapping an arm-thick celery stalk in half, and Topher jumped involuntarily at the finality of it. He strained, listening for any other sound, but heard nothing.

Then, finally, nearly a minute later, he heard the strange sound again; a wet sort of twisting and squeezing sound, like someone trying to make a balloon animal out of haggis. There was silence for another few moments, then he heard the sizzling sound again, but this time it did not stop; it grew louder, turned into a sort of hissing, and then settled down into a low crackling, which continued on for many moments.

Topher might have sat there, frozen, listening to it for any length of time; but, eventually, the smell of it reached his nose, and he realized what was happening.

The building was on fire.

The building was on fire, and he was on the second floor.

He almost leapt out of his chair in a panic, but restrained himself at the last moment; Jyact, whatever he was, might still be down there. He had to move quickly, but he had to be quiet, too; he slipped down to the floor ungracefully, then began to crawl as quietly as he could to the rear wall. You're supposed to stay low, aren't you? Smoke rises, right?

He wished Makoto were here -- dying of smoke inhalation seemed like a really ignominious way to perish after being summoned to a magical realm -- then was immediately glad that she wasn't, because he didn't want her anywhere near whatever the fuck was going on. Finally reaching the rear wall, he started looking around at ground level for loose bricks -- Oguro didn't strike me as a guy who cared a lot about structural integrity beyond the wall staying up. If you can rebuild a wall anytime you want, you really don't need for it to be all that solid, right?

After a few moments of frantic searching, he got lucky; one of the bricks near the bottom had a thinner coat of mortar than the others, and he could see a little light shining through from outside. He tried to pull it out using his Attract Object power, but as usual it did nothing; stupid shitty Wish.com superpower. Instead, he spun around so his feet were closer to the wall, and kicked out; the brick went after only two kicks, and it only took him another minute or so to clear a space large enough for him to wriggle through.

Unfortunately, that left him hanging ten feet off the ground above an alley; but that wasn't the end of the world. People survive ten-foot drops all the time, Topher told himself as he looked down at the terrifying plunge below; he just needed to bend his knees to absorb the impact. Maybe roll a little. Sure. Everything would be fine.

Ten seconds passed, then twenty; Topher couldn't budge. This is bullshit, he raged to himself, I'm not even afraid of heights! Am I really gonna die because I'm too much of a chickenshit to jump ten feet?! But he couldn't do it; the ground was too far away, the fall too visceral. Whatever danger might come for him in five seconds would always be less scary than the danger right in front of him; and so when the flames ate through the load-bearing wall below him and the ledge he was sitting on began to crumble, the primary feeling he felt was one of unfairness. Couldn't turn into a slope. Of course not. Let's crumble backwards and dump me right into the flames, then have the entire upper floor fall on me. Two stars on Yelp.

Finally, inaction had become more intolerable than action; he tried to leap downwards, tripped, and tumbled towards the ground headfirst. Everything spun; I'm dead. I'm gonna bash my brains out on the ground, and the only good thing about it will be that nobody will ever know what a bitch-ass way to die it was. A handhold flashed by him, too fast to grab; by reflex, he reached out for it anyway. He missed, flailed; some massive force yanked on his entire body painfully, and then he hit the ground.

--

For several seconds, Topher just lay there, wondering if this was death; but eventually, the shock receded, and he found that he was not only alive, but relatively unhurt, having miraculously survived two identical falls in the exact same location in a row. He looked around, astounded. Did somebody save me? What was that pull? But he could see no one else nearby.

Then, abruptly, he remembered what was going on. Goddammit. From one shitshow to another. Painfully, he struggled to his feet; he had to get away before the fire drew more witnesses. Scurrying out of the alley, he didn't look back; if someone was following him, it was too late to worry about it now.