Unwilling Eldritch Horror of Fortune

I cleared my throat and addressed the maw creature, using the most polite tone that I could muster, “That’s not a problem. But your employees do need extra Earth training.”

My voice still sounded like English to me but by the shocked expression the creature gave me, Noe must have been doing its translating.

“I- of course, sir, I’ll let Admin know,” she answered, her voice still pleasant but there was a distinct, intangible difference to it now. She must have switched to speaking her home dialect. “Sorry, I’m just surprised that you can speak Prime, and without an accent at that!”

“I get that a lot.” I smiled that same practiced smile I’ve used a thousand times before, “I’ve stayed at Xolloid for a while before working as an Arbiter. Xolloid treated me well, and it’s good to see a friendly face around here.”

The creature practically beamed at that, “You’ve been there? Most people avoid a backwater dimension like mine at all costs, let alone visit. And a Lord Arbiter at that!”

I laughed, the sound hurting my core. I ignored the pain and continued warming up to the tentacle thing.

“Xolloid is certainly not like what people say about it, heck, I’ve never been to a nicer place,” I said, lying through my teeth.

“Have you been to the Plains of Torment?” The thing asked, its smooth voice clearly sounding excited, “or the Mausoleum of Hungering Souls? Oh, oh, what about the Death Seas?”

Ok, scary names aside, I can assume that those are probably tourist attractions.

“Unfortunately not,” I answered with a sigh, “my visits are usually work-related, so I rarely have the chance to go see the sights.”

“Oh, that’s a pity… You’re missing so much of what Xolloid has to offer.” she - it was definitely female - said with a deflated tone, “You must visit the Plains of Torment at the very least if you ever go back, there’s nowhere else in the multiverse where you can enjoy the screams of entire civilizations, forever frozen in the moment of their demise. And the performers there! I’m sure they’d love to entertain someone from out of town! I’d love to show you myself if I could!”

Right… Let’s add Xolloid as a place to never, ever go to.

I nodded, “There’s nowhere I’d rather go back to, and I definitely will once all this is over, but there’s one thing above all else that I miss from there.”

She looked at me, expectantly.

“It’s the food.” I said, “I still miss the local cuisine, even now. Can’t get that stuff anywhere else.”

The creature beamed - wait, I didn’t know why I hadn’t noticed this sooner, but it didn’t really beam, since it didn’t even have anything remotely close to a face. Yet I could swear that that’s the human equivalent of what it did. How did I know that?

Breaking me out of my questioning, the creature replied, “I know! I mean, the local food here’s not horrible, and there’s an abundance of prey around, but nothing beats a homegrown Shoggoth. Sure as heck beats Human, ugh!”

Right, definitely avoid Xolloid at all costs.

“True that…" I said, trying my best to remain straight-faced, “I found Humans to be-,”

“Absolutely awful.” grumbled the creature, “I know. It’s up there for the worst-tasting species I’ve ever had the misfortune of trying. You wouldn’t believe how relieved I was when we switched to monitoring Humans and got that horrible race off the menu.”

I chuckled nervously, “That’s good to hear. But I wish I could try something local now. I’ve been living off nothing but Humans for a while.”

She looked genuinely horrified when I said that, and not because of the reasons that one would normally be when talking about eating people.

“I’m so sorry! I can’t even imagine… that must be horrible!”

The mass of tentacles paused for a second, digesting the undoubtedly horrible news I just presented.

“Oh, I completely forgot to introduce myself! My Pod distinction is Xollo’gutha’mallo’atha or Xalla for short. I’m the head of security here,” she said, blushing, “I apologize for the late introduction Lord Arbiter, I always get distracted when I talk about home, but I promise I don’t slack off at my job!.”

“No problem, Xollo’gutha’mallo’atha. I am Arbiter… Walter, or Watt for short,” I said, choosing not to use my real name “And I feel the same, it’s rare to see someone from that part of the multiverse around here.”

“I get that… we Xollon do have a bit of a bad rep.” Xalla sighed, sounding genuinely sad for the first time, “But I want to change that! I believe that if more of us can get into roles like yours or mine, then the multiverse has to change their perceptions of us! And, uh, if it’s not too inappropriate…”

She looked at me for permission to continue; I nodded, telling her to proceed, “I have a habit of snacking, and I have some Shoggoths that you can try, given how much you miss them and all. No one else here likes them for some reason, but you’re free to have some. Um, if you want, that is. My family are slavers back home, have a big herd of them there, so they’re homemade. I pickled them myself! I hope you don’t mind!”

A Shoggoth? Why does that term sound so familiar?

Doesn’t matter, nothing’s surprising me at this point. I knew from all those psych classes I took that I should accept these things gratefully if I wanted her to like me more. I’m sure I can find an excuse to not actually eat them.

“You do?” I said, forcing excitement into my voice, “I haven’t had a good homegrown Shoggoth in ages! They were a favourite of mine! And yes, I wouldn’t mind having one at all. Thank you.”

She smiled - once again, how I knew that she did so when she didn’t even have lips was a question I would have to ponder some other time - and produced a few small, transparent containers hidden somewhere within her mass of tentacles. She extended the appendage holding those containers, looking at me expectantly.

I took one of them from her “hands”, careful not to lacerate myself on the sharp protrusions covering her skin, and peered into the little box. Inside was a multi-coloured leech-looking thing about 2 or 3 inches long. It was wriggling viciously in its container, biting at its confines with its needle teeth.

Xalla took one herself, and opening the little lid, she used one of her feelers to skewer the squirming Shoggoth. Unbelievably, the little worm thing expanded rapidly, growing multiple extra appendages with eyes sticking out of them, and by the time Xalla brought the critter to her open maw, it was the size of a small dog. And all the while the Shoggoth was biting and tearing at her tentacle but doing no apparent damage.

She unceremoniously dropped the wiggling thing into her mouth and her multirowed serrated teeth started to spin rapidly, shredding the poor thing into a bloody, gooey pulp. After a few moments, the meat chunks and other viscera disappeared completely into that horrifying maw.

I just looked at her in shock, before staring down at my own Shoggoth, still trapped in its little glass container. What the hell would have happened if I hadn’t seen her eat one and had accidentally opened it?

“Oh.” Xalla said as she saw that I wasn’t having one of them myself, “I guess you can’t eat it with that human guise on.”

“Human guise…?” I said absentmindedly, I was still recovering my wits at what just transpired. I shook my head, and was able to recover and correct myself, “Right! I almost forgot I was wearing one, speaking with you like this. I certainly can’t eat one now.”

Xalla nodded in understanding, “Please feel free to keep it then, have one when you’re off work. And I’m always willing to share if you want more!”

“Of cour-” Before I could say anything else, I spat out a large glob of blood. Right, Noe did warn me about the damage.

“Are you ok?” she asked, a concerned look showing on her maw, “Humans only spew blood when they’re near death!”

Noe, cancel the translation process. I told the system, avoiding further harm.

“It’s ok.” I answered apologetically, speaking English this time, “The human body, er, my disguise I mean, doesn’t handle speaking in Prime well.”

A look of realization appeared on Xalla’s maw, and she bowed low, “Sorry, I should have known that forcing your Boor Membrane through the human body would cause it harm. I hope you didn’t damage it too much. I still forget how fragile a baseline human is to even small sound waves.

“Still,” she continued, “To think your disguise would mimic the human physiology so well. Where did you get that skin suit, if you don’t mind me asking.”

Shoot, I knew that I would be asked questions that I wouldn’t know the answers to. I had to steer clear of these kinds of situations until I knew more about my situation.

“Oh, I made it myself.” I said with as much confidence as I could, “The ones that are available on the market weren’t to my liking.”

“Amazing…” Xalla said, and I could swear she looked like a high school girl meeting her favorite singer for the first time, “An Arbiter and a master alchemist…”

I wanted to get on Xalla’s good side, but talking about any other topics that I had no idea about would only lead to trouble. Without finding out more information, I couldn’t risk letting my ignorance show, even if the title of Lord Arbiter can afford me some mistakes.

“I think we’ve made the Site Admin wait long enough.” I said, making my tone professional, “As much as I would love to talk to a local, I still have a job to do here.”

Xalla bowed again, “Of course! I apologize for taking up so much of your time! Please, follow me. I’ll take you to the Admin’s office.”