Unwilling Eldritch Horror of Fortune

Ok, denial at this stage would be pointless and stupid. I seem to have left the sensible world and arrived somewhere else because the Luck System in my brain was real. Oh boy, I need some time to think about those implications…

Hey Noe, you know anything about this current situation?

”Negative,” it answered, “Unit Noe only has information on predetermined system functions and will learn and grow alongside the Host.”

Unfortunately, I wouldn’t have that time to ask the thing anymore questions, because as soon as the door was fully open, I was greeted by a sight that just reinforced the fact that I had left the comfortable reality that I was in. The things that were staring at me like I was some kind of freak were not things that I recognized.

I guess there was a reason I was labeled as Human Male before because the… “people” that were looking at me were anything but Human. Sure, they dressed in what appeared to be semi-formal office apparel, but that was it. There were creatures with 3 heads and 6 arms typing furiously at a workstation. Some sort of lanky, pale monstrosity that was at least 8 feet tall was sweeping the floors, and another being that was nothing more than geometric shapes was chatting with some kind of human-sized bipedal centipede thing. There were other assortments of nightmare creatures around, and as the room quieted down due to my arrival, I was suddenly made to be the centre of attention.

Let’s calm down; if strange voices in my head that can casually break the laws of Physics can exist, then so can monsters. They haven’t attacked me yet, so they’re as clueless about the situation as I am. I just have to analyze the situation, make a plan, and go from there. Just treat it like any other day at the job, treat them as potential marks, just figure out what they want, and I can work it out like usual.

Time seemed to slow down as I took all the sights in, my brain going into overdrive trying to process all the new sensory information. I was strangely calm, however, given the outrageous situation that I was facing; huh, it must be because of that Calm Mind skill earlier. Wonder how that works.

I shook my head - now’s not the time to ponder over the Luck System’s skills. I took a deep breath and compiled all the available information that I had.

First of all, the creatures in front of me are obviously not human, but given the facial expressions of the ones that had faces, and the way they were dressed, I can assume that they are workers that operated in the same manner as a modern white-collar wage earner would. Or in other words, these were underpaid and overworked employees.

That’s information that I can work with. I’ve dealt with disgruntled 9 - 5ers. If these uh, creatures are anything like their human counterparts, then they were followers. If I can take the initiative and make them go with my flow, to cause such a ruckus that it would be easier for them to just follow along, then I can get through this.

But what excuse could I use to make them follow me? Well, there was one other piece of information available. When I punched in those codes, the little screen greeted me as an Arbiter - no, a Lord Arbiter. That means that I had to be someone important, especially given the fact that the Site Admin was alerted, but what on Earth is a Lord Arbiter? What does a Lord Arbiter do? I guess given the title, it must be someone who… you know what, I don’t really know what an Arbiter does.

It’s fine, it’s someone important - probably way more important than the workers before me. I just have to pretend to be an irate CEO or the like. I could do this.

Activating the Absolute Luck skill just for safe measure, I envisioned the role that I was to play, made the angriest face that I could muster, and walked into the office space feeling as if I owned it.

“You!” I said, pointing to some kind of 6-foot-tall mucous amoeba-looking thing, since it was the most harmless-looking individual around, “Take me to the Site Admin.”

The thing turned its uh… front side to me and made a noise that sounded like bubbling water. Amazingly, halfway through those noises, I was able to understand what it was saying.

“...have to ask my supervisors,” it said, its voice now sounding like perfectly understandable English.

Did you do that Noe? I asked quickly in my mind.

“Affirmative.” the system chimed, “Unit Noe can translate 1.09 x 10^17 known languages within the multiverse to ensure that Host Watt has the best probability of amicable interactions with other sentient species.”

I smiled as a thought came to mind.

Can you translate what I say back to those sentient species in their native tongue?

“Affirmative.”

Do so now, Noe.

“Acknowledged.”

“Can you not even speak the Human Language?” I began to speak again, but although the words sounded like English, the sensation that I felt was unlike anything I’d felt before. It was like I was trying to gargle a truckload of liquid.

The Amoeba thing juggled, which I assume was a sign of surprise that I answered in its own tongue, before quickly regaining its rigidity and saying, “I apologize, uh…”

“I’m the Lord Arbiter,” I said, tone angry.

The thing jiggled again, more violently than the first time. In fact, the others in the room, or at least those who could understand whatever language I was speaking, also reacted in what I can only assume was of surprise.

“I apologize, Lord Arbiter.” the jelly thing continued, “But I, um, I don’t have the structural constructs to speak the Human Language.”

“You think that’s an excuse?” I shouted, looking outraged “You think that just because you don't have the right organs means that you can excuse yourself? Tell me again, what species is being tested here at Training Site 1102?”

“H-humans, sir. Earth Humans.”

“And what language do Earth Humans speak?”

The Ameboid jiggled again, going so far as to change colours this time, “Um... Humanese? I’m sorry - I uh, I didn’t pay attention in the Intro to Earth class.”

I exaggerated a sigh, "You are useless! How are you allowed a job here if you don't even know something that basic? Tell me what department you work for, your conduct is a disgrace to everyone present!"

The creature visibly shrank, and I noticed that the others in the room were slowly moving away from me. Good, they're acknowledging my status as someone better off left alone, and more importantly, avoided.

Before I could think of something else to berate the Amoeba thing for, a huge mass of swarming tentacles squeezed into a neat security uniform was approaching me with haste.

As it approached and its appearance was clear, I noticed that where its face should be was a gaping, circular maw of needle-sharp teeth, its red mouth opening wide as if to swallow me whole. The tentacles that I saw earlier were gleaming in the light, and a thick layer of some kind of molasses-like substance was covering every corner of it.

I almost flinched as it approached but managed to keep my expression neutral. I really hope my disguise was still working. Just by the way the creature presented itself shows that it’s higher up on the totem pole than the amoeba from earlier.

It’s fine, it might look slightly different than my usual marks… I thought, psyching myself up, It’s just as fallible as all the other idiots I’ve worked with. I just have to butter it up and get it on my side. I’ve done this a million times before.

“Apologies for the delay, Lord Arbiter, and for the conduct of the employees here,” the creature said, its voice surprisingly feminine and pleasant. “I came as soon as I was notified.”

So I was right, the tentacle creature was something important in this place. It would probably do well to treat it - or her perhaps - better. I needed information, and the best way I found to get that was to get on the good side of people, especially if they were important.

First things first, let’s establish some easy rapport.

Noe, I thought, translate what I’m about to say into the native language of that thing.

“Acknowledged.” Noe said, “Translating Earth English into Xolloid Primary. Please note that prolonged translation to Xolloid Primary will cause damage to Host Watt’s body, as Host Watt does not have the prerequisite organs to properly vocalize Xolloid Primary. Does Host Watt wish to proceed?”

Damage? Well, it should be fine, and I need to make a good first impression. I might not know much about the situation, or the cultures and experiences of the creatures here, but P.T. Barnum has never failed me yet. I can find a way to relate to them.

Translate away, Noe.

“Acknowledged.”