This Is Where I Want To Be

21. Letting Go

Chris

Juliet was in my car—again. It seemed to be one of the places where a lot would happen for us. My heart skipped a beat when she sat down and closed the door. I finally had her alone again… I was beyond relieved but also angry, frustrated, and back to anticipation. At first, I kept holding my breath, wanting to get away before Louis showed up. I closed my door quickly and backed out of the driveway as fast as possible. Not just Louis… Sita, as well. Even with the effort she made in that dress, her hair, and makeup… she didn’t compare to a fraction of Juliet, with a red nose, makeup smearing, and hair looking faded and worn. Juliet was sick, and I didn’t even know. My letter had given her a setback to whatever was wrong with her. Did it have to do with her ability? Her not being human? It didn’t matter anymore. I was going to find out.

Looking in the rearview mirror, Sita stared after us, but I couldn’t care. When I saw her—I felt nothing! Seeing them side by side made me want to take Juliet and run. My heart beat faster and faster the further we got from my house. At that moment, I wondered how far I could get before her parents reported her missing. Kidnapping was a serious offense. Jail time. I wade the options; going to jail or going home and sleeping with my wife. I would’ve chosen prison... Juliet was so angry with me. She had not returned to the fawning little girl she had been the few times we were together. Even if I suggested eloping… she would’ve refused. I had pushed her away… I had to remind myself that’s what I wanted. Would I really change? Just because Sita was four hours late. How was her timing so impeccable anyway? Did she think she could dictate everything?

Juliet made sexual references when talking to Jerry. When I thought about them, my skin crawled. She wasn’t innocent. Louis had told me… but I had thought she kissed a guy on her sixteenth birthday or made out with one or two others. I was obviously wrong… For years, I had been celibate, and Juliet had been busy… I should’ve cheated, then; leaving Juliet alone would’ve been easier... I wouldn’t want her as much as I did.

The words echoed in my mind. ‘I want her… I want her… I want her to touch me….’

I hit the steering wheel, yelling something inaudible. Juliet’s eyes nervously glanced at me. I stopped the car abruptly, flinging the door open—I needed to get out… We had been driving, and without me noticing, I had gone to a secluded part of the neighborhood. What was I doing? Subconsciously, I was already taking her someplace where anything could happen. I was just like Jerry… All I wanted from her was the milk… It wasn’t love. It wasn’t love for her either. She had a stupid, innocent crush on me. Wanted me in her naive ways. Did she know how she was tearing me apart? My life? I screamed! Sitting down on my haunches, dragging my fingers through my hair, gripping and pulling on them, fighting my temptations. I heard the door open, and Juliet got out.

I stood up, “Get back in the car!” She stopped moving, and her breathing became shallow… Was she scared of me? Her chin shook as she held back more tears. It almost broke me into pieces, “Get back… in…!” I yelled, but I was unable to get all of it out. She didn’t and stood still, watching me. I stared right back, deciding what I was going to do. Was I not going to comfort her?

Then she did the most amazing thing I could ever have asked for. She closed her door, walked around the front of the car, and got into the driver’s seat. She closed and locked it and drove off. A chuckle escaped. She stopped when she was well down the road, rolling down the window, and yelled, “You said I should be strong when you can’t be. You said, please... So here is the space you need.” I burst out laughing, bending over and putting my hands on my knees, staring at the car and this girl sticking her head out the window. But it made me want her even more, and not in a carnal way. With all my heart, I wanted her… I stood up, out of breath. Had I not said I was in love with her. It wasn’t just lust—not from her nor from me. She loved me… She must love me if she could put me first like that.

Determined to cross that divide between us, I hurriedly closed the distance to the car. She drove a little further, “I think I should leave you here,” she said through a crack in the window, “Walk back and go on your date… with your wife.” Her tone was so sarcastic. She was jealous. If she only knew…. “I don’t want to go back!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, bending to get it all out. Juliet was quiet and staring at me, going mad in the side mirror, “I don’t want to go back!” I sat back down on my haunches, struggling to accept my life. Juliet was still idling the car, waiting.

When I felt somewhat in control, I slowly walked to the passenger side and knocked on the window, “Are you going to take advantage of me?” I was amused. The way she suddenly was with me. I shook my head, “You sure?” I nodded. The door unlocked. I opened it and looked inside before I got in. I took in the scene to prepare myself to sit next to her. I had forgotten about the dress. Glad that she hadn’t sat next to me that first night. She seemed clever but dressed so inappropriately that it was no wonder everyone wanted to bed her. When the kids talked about Juliet’s dress for the party, that was not what I had in mind.

I took in a deep breath and sat down. My reaction had made her uncomfortable. While she drove, she tried to pull down her skirt for some time, but the stretching material kept riding back up, desperate to expose her thighs. Before I thought more about mingling ours together, I remembered the blanket I had in the back. It was for sitting on the bleachers during those late-night sports events. I turned in my seat, dug in the back, and grabbed the soft material. I opened it, but when I had to put it over her… I hesitated...

She stopped the car and took it from me, covering her legs and all the way to her neck, tucking it in behind her shoulders, “How can you walk around like that?” I scoffed.

“I thought I looked pretty,” she pouted.

My eyes fixed on her lips, “Can you cover your face as well?”

Indignantly, she scowled at me, “I know—” She wanted to say something but kept quiet and didn’t finish her sentence. I frowned as she just kept driving.

“You can speak to me….”

She rolled her eyes, and I smiled, “What would be the point?”

“What is the point of anything?” I asked and said something I probably shouldn’t have, “Let’s play a game.”

Her head jerked towards me, and her eyes narrowed, “What kind of game?”

I looked at my watch, “For five minutes… only five… you can ask me anything, and I will answer you honestly.”

She pressed down on the brake. I had to reach out an arm to brace myself.

“What?”

“I didn’t know that my suggestion would have this effect, but this is obviously very important to you….”

She stared at me wide-eyed, “Are you pulling my leg? You’ll cop out as soon as the questions get too personal….”

I lifted my hand, took off my wedding band, and tossed it into the glove box, “For five minutes only, and it starts in thirty seconds.”

Juliet faltered, “You’re serious!” I loved it when she talked to me like that. No formalities.

***

Juliet

I had been berating Louis and my family because I couldn’t read their minds and because they weren’t being honest with me, keeping things from me. It was because we were vampires. It was just the way things were. Having Chris give me carte blanche was too surreal for me. A hundred thoughts went through my mind. Do you like me? Are you attracted to me? That was a stupid one because he had to be, or he wouldn’t have freaked out like that… He was tempted… just not enough. It made me cringe at my inadequacies. I compared myself to Sita, and it didn’t feel good.

Then, the million-dollar question; Are you still in love with your wife? And why did you write the letter? Why did you need to hurt me like that? The questions were endless. But no matter what, I would ask… the outcome was not going to be what I wanted. He wasn’t going to leave his wife. He wasn’t going to kiss me. He wasn’t going to hold my hand while we were driving. He wouldn’t walk me to my door and ask for my number. The next day, when I woke up… I would still be the one he didn’t wake up to. He hadn’t even said he had feelings for me, and I was too scared to ask.

When my time started, I turned to him and pulled my leg in underneath me. It was a habit. I rested my head on the seat and just stared at him. For years, I had been staring at him and watching him like some stalker. I had him for five minutes, and I couldn’t get over myself to ask him even one question. All I wanted was to look at him… one last time before I got on that plane that week. He didn’t say anything, and after a minute, he mimicked me. The attraction we felt for each other was palpable. It always had been. My eyes drifted to his mouth several times, desperately wanting to close the distance between us. I let the blanket fall to my waist to see if I could get any reaction from him. He didn’t disappoint me. His eyes drifted down to my waist, slowly came back up, taking in every curve, and hovered for a moment on my bulging cleavage. He struggled after that and covered his mouth with a hand. He got his control back and lingered his gaze on my lips. His watch chimed as my time ran out, but neither of us moved… Until I thought about Sita waiting for him. I turned back in my seat, wanted to put the car into gear to drive home. He put his hand on mine to stop me from changing the gears. As I watched his hand on mine, my whole body stiffened at the touch…. It wasn’t the first time… but it felt different… He was different that night—a little more willing.

“What about my five minutes?” He asked.

My head jerked up, “You’re not serious?”

He chuckled… “Didn’t I say let’s play a game… No fun if just one of us playing.” I had not thought it through. I bit my bottom lip, smiling, “Your face—priceless. Okay, first question.”

I grabbed his hand so I could see the time on his watch. As the seconds ticked by and the long indicator reached the top, I said, “Go… You’re not getting a second longer.” Chris wasn’t moving or talking. I peeked up at him through my lashes. He had a strangled expression on his face. He was so close that I could feel his breath on my hair… I had leaned forward and pulled him towards me without knowing it. All I had to do was lift my mouth... I drew in a breath to smell that familiar scent he wore that consumed me. His sensitive brown eyes lingered on me. “Breathe Chris…” I whispered. He didn’t move, and I felt I had done something wrong, “I’m sorry!” The words were barely audible… I sat back, letting go of his arm, “You can start asking now.”

He leaned over and put my hand back onto his. Chris obviously got what Chris wanted… Every second, I lost more and more of the little bit of control I had left.

“How long have you liked me?” I blushed. I wished I didn’t… “Honest answers, and you can’t waste my time.”

I stuck my tongue out the side of my mouth at his comment… “Years… from the first day I stepped into the school.”

“Who were you looking for in the hall that first day?”

“Don’t waste your own time… You know it was you… it… was always you.” Unthinking, my thumb rubbed over his skin. I was nervous, and it soothed me.

“Not anymore? You changed your mind… just like that?”

“That’s not my fault.”

“If that’s the case… How do you see this working?”

“I don’t… It hasn’t even started! You don’t even like me… I might be a pretty face, but you’re married. And after that… letter, I feel like some stupid girl, and—”

“And…?”

“I promised myself not to make the same mistake twice.” The front window became my friend again… I peered out of it, trying to find the resolve I had set in place. I turned away from him and removed my hand from his.

“If I said that, I liked you,” I made a scoffing noise. He reached for my chin and pulled my face towards him. He reached for my hand and placed it back on his, “If I said I liked you… How do you see this working?”

“Carefully…” I sighed, “After your letter, I was convinced to say goodbye to my fantasy about us. That this was all one-sided, and I still am… A clean break… That is what I needed….” I released another breath…. “If tonight didn’t happen, we would have been fine... I don’t want to hurt you either… it seems like I am.”

“What is it that you feel for me…?” he sounded exasperated, “Do you think you’re in love with me?”

“Yes…” I whispered. My finger kept moving on his skin. It was easier to look at myself touching him than to look up into his eyes, “Your time is up….” He said nothing and slowly turned his hand in mine till our palms rested together. I responded, sliding back and forth over his, taking in every sensation I had longed for. I kept going higher up his arm until we were at each other’s wrists. Clutching mine, he slowly pulled me closer…

His phone dinged for a message. It was lying close to the gears, and we both glanced down.

Sita { Chris, when are you coming home? I am waiting. I think we should skip dinner and go directly for dessert }

I pulled my hand out of his in a jerky motion.

“What now? You didn’t want to ask me anything. How can you be mad when you know nothing about my life?”

“I’m not angry… I’m jealous… there is a big difference,” I hit the steering wheel.

He made a face, “How can you know so precisely what and how you feel?”

“Because I’m not a coward! Chasing what you want and keeping it… is way harder than doing the right thing,” I air quoted.

“What do you know about doing the right thing? You’re young and would obviously sleep with everything that has two legs!” His tone was so, so mocking.

My brow creased as I paused briefly, letting his words sink in… “So that’s your issue with me?!” I snorted, “It’s not your wife… it’s not that you have no feelings for me or that I’m an uncertain nuisance… It’s not because of what I am, but… Let me get this straight… Because I’m too young! And too promiscuous?” I laughed lightly, pressing my lips together. I had thought it was about me as a person. That I… was not enough for him to cross that line or that he was destroying a marriage.

“Where did I say you are a nuisance? And how could you possibly think that I feel nothing for you… After I’ve been staring at you for months.”

It was out in the open… We were putting it all out there. “Everyone knows nothing is going on between you and your wife. And you keep pushing me away… and your letter.”

He rubbed his hands over his face and raised his voice, “I don’t know why I wrote it… I wish I hadn’t.”

“But you did…And now we are here?”

“You have nothing to be jealous about, Juliet. I’ve only slept with my wife once… Three years ago, on our wedding night… And never again. Nothing… no getting off… or release of any kind… And I didn’t cheat on her either.” My mouth gaped… “Two weeks ago, I decided that I was going to try one more time… Because she doesn’t want to divorce me... Because after meeting you, that’s all I have been thinking about… How to get to you.”

Chris was looking up at the roof. Relief flooded his features.

“She wants to try again. Willing to give me the physical side of a marriage as well… Tonight was supposed to be that night…We were supposed to go out to dinner and spend time together… Get a drink and then sleep together… I wrote you that letter because I don’t want to cheat on my wife… Would you really want me if I cheated on her just to be with you?”

“Aren’t you cheating already? With every thought running through your mind—you’ve cheated on her. And yes, I would want you… Even being married, I wanted you.”

“Wanted? Not anymore?” I didn’t say anything. “What happened between us is not the same as physically crossing that line, Juliet. We weren’t even emotionally involved. How many times have we actually talked?”

“You can’t!” I got choked up trying to speak, “You can’t sleep with her. If you don’t go home, I will give you everything you need.” I was dramatic and nonsensical. I knew I was being ignorant and naïve. But I had this one chance… I promised myself I was going to take it. I was going to be that girl one last time.

***

Chris

“Why…? Our love is not some fairy tale written on the stars.”

Juliet bobbed her head, biting her bottom lip between her teeth. She got out of the car to sit on the bonnet. I tried my best to bring up all the arguments I had with myself—and her. To clear the air once and for all. It felt so good to be able to talk about it—to anyone. I got out of the car, “I have my honor!” I said loudly, “Would you respect me if I cheated on her to go out with you? And see if this could work… I don’t even know—”

She glanced at me, “What I am!” She bobbed her head again, “I will show you… Don’t freak out.” She pointed a finger at me. She slid off the car and stared at me for a while. I sat down, hoping she would confide in me. I tried to prepare myself.

Nevertheless, she changed into some creature that made her ugly and not at all like— beautiful Juliet. I jumped and stepped away from her. She came right back to her usual self, defeated at my reaction, “Maybe I should’ve shown you that first, before anything else.”

“You think? That is a big thing to leave out,” I was processing all it entailed. Fangs… Blood… “You kill to eat…? What?”

She was quiet, eyes cast down… Realization dawned that she killed people. “Take me home, Chris,” she stepped around me. “Go home to your wife and go sleep with her. You say you don’t want to… but you’ve already decided.” I pulled her back and turned her to face me. “Just know that if you do. I‘m hooking up with Louis. I will probably marry him.”

I gripped her upper arms and squeezed them hard. The mention of her in another man’s arms was enough to make me forget about the fact that she was some creature that sucked on people. The picture of her in Jerry’s arms or Louis’s flashed in my mind, “You’re threatening me… That isn’t a good way to start a relationship.”

Her lip quivered, “We have no relationship.” A tear escaped and ran down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away. “There is something else.”

Could there possibly be more? “What? Get it out.”

“I already kissed Louis a few days after you told me to get lost… So it’s just a matter of pushing him a little further.”

I gripped her arms even harder, “What do you think you’re doing? I heard your conversation with Jerry… I will not be your first. You can’t manipulate me with jealousy… I’m married. Doesn’t that mean anything?”

She burst out in tears. She was crying so much that night… I wondered how long she had been holding it all in, “So that’s the right thing… being chaste… getting married in my twenties, and having two kids—like you? Turned out awesome!”

“What?” I said, taken aback.

“Being human and not killing people? You haven’t even asked if I would die if I didn’t… And yes, we do… Well… let me tell you. I’ve slept with fifty guys.” I shook her. “I thought it didn’t matter!” She scoffed. “Or do you rather want to hear that Louis would be my first… I will stay chaste… Marry him, and we will have two vampire babies and live your life… Would that make you happy?”

I had not let go of her arms. My fingers didn’t want to obey my brain. They were grasping onto her, and a few more sobs escaped. I stepped closer and softened my tone, wiping away the tears I was sick of, “Sita knows about you.”

Her head dropped, “S-! I feel so humiliated,” she said softly. “Sita, let me go with you… She was sure you wouldn’t cross any kind of line with me. That she would have you after tonight… It seems she was right.” Juliet was worn out emotionally and had had enough. “The one chance I had is over, and you didn’t cave.” She shook her head from side to side, “After everything… I had said and done. It wasn’t enough. I am not enough.”

I didn’t understand her way of thinking. My fingers kept moving over her skin. She had one chance to what? And how could she think she wasn’t enough? After everything? We had nothing. She was naïve, but at least she told me how she felt. If she only knew it was over between Sita and me. I couldn’t say it. Juliet was so territorial that it would be gas on the flames.