This Is Where I Want To Be

20. Goodbye And Goodnight

Juliet

I was determined to enjoy myself that night. The whole grade had been talking about that party. It was kinda serving as the birthday party I didn’t have. Louis couldn’t come with me… not that I had asked, or he had offered… It would’ve been too weird. It felt strange leaving him at home even if we weren’t official yet, but I needed to get out of the house, dance, and have a drink with my friends. Louis had not kissed me after I had kissed him. There was no intimacy from him besides a few touches here and there. It was like he had taken a step back… I felt that I had scared off another man.

By the time he dropped us off, the place was packed. The living room served as a dance floor with lights and a DJ. We crossed the dancefloor that led out to the backyard. People were standing in groups, talking, drinking, and smoking. We were supposed to bring our own drinks. We found a good place and put all our stuff down. Blankets were laid out everywhere on the grass. It would be a spot where Charlene could camp out if she felt like it. She had decided to come… We were leaving, and the party was a farewell to all our friends, even if they didn’t know.

Carl and I danced, then took breaks to share a cigarette in the street, spending time together and talking to some other people. Charlene joined us as much as she could. When we were drained, we went to join her on the blankets. It was a good night… I had hoped all the busyness would keep my mind off Chris—but it didn’t. I lay on the grass, looking up at the trees. They were swaying in the breeze, entrancing all my thoughts on Chris… thinking about what could’ve been. I did want to focus on Louis and put all my energy into our relationship. Regardless, I was determined not to be that girl, especially not with another vampire. I had one moment of weakness, and he had done nothing with it. He was there… but not really there.

In between the trees hung fairy lights. The garden was almost picturesque, with people enjoying themselves sitting in their different clicks, laughing, and playing games. At one stage, Carl had to fish out a guy with his head hanging into the water after throwing up into the pool and passing out. I didn’t know why Carl was so responsible. He was like a guardian who kept everyone in place. I would have liked to see him hook up with someone… He always seemed to have an excuse. Eventually, I was rather drunk, and it was getting late.

“Don’t look now, but your ex just walked through the door,” Carl whispered.

“Is it Jerry?”

“Who else?” Carl said, and he didn’t seem happy about the idea either.

“For heaven’s sake, will I never get rid of this guy? I complained, “Do you think they will come over?”

“Too late,” Mandy said, “Owen is with them. He said that he wanted to talk to me….” Mandy looked at all of us. In one accord, we told her not to give in. It had been weeks since he left her in the club. “We’ll see… I’d like to hear what he comes up with,” she giggled. I shook my head in disbelief. Owen sat down next to Mandy, taking her cigarette out of her hand and taking a drag.

Jerry opened a beer and handed it to his friend. He opened another and held it out to me. For a moment, I scrutinized his face…. It didn’t seem like Jerry was drunk, so I reluctantly took it to keep the peace, “Thanks.”

He took more out of the cooler and handed everyone one. “A peace offering,” Jerry said when he gave one to Carl.

Our group was suddenly quiet. We were talking via text if we should make a run for it. More trouble came around when Lincoln and his crowd also showed up. Our blanket was surrounded by large groups of people we didn’t expect to hang out with that night. Jerry sat down next to me and took out his phone. He had sent me a message, seeing I was talking to someone.

When his message came through, I involuntarily glanced up at him, smiling. He reciprocated, giving me his most genuine smile. The one I fell in love with so long ago. He could be so cute, and I couldn’t help but give him a shrug. It was a simple “Hello” message, and I replied, “Hi.”

I was still angry at him for calling me names and lifting his hand towards me, but other than that, I couldn’t really judge him. I killed people for food. If he had some weak moments or emotions, he needed to get a grip on… Who was I to judge? “How are you?” Jerry scooted closer, leaning in so no one could hear him, “I have something I would like to get off my chest,” he whispered and leaned into me. His shoulder pressed against mine. I pulled away. “Wait… wait…” he whispered. I paused. There was something in the tone of his voice, and I was a sucker for that particular bad boy. He had been the only one, always in trouble. Jerry was handsome with his dark blond hair and dark brown eyes… We were just not good together.

“What do you want to say?” I said it out loud.

“I want to talk to you!” he said louder, seeing that I wouldn’t play flirting games with him. He seemed to be in an okay mood. Who was I to hold a grudge?

“Don’t do it, Jules,” I glanced over at Carl and Charlene, widening their eyes at me, “What about Louis,” Charlene mouthed softly.

I put my finger on my lips and did the same thing with my eyes, warning them not to tell a soul about Louis, “Should I go with you, Jules?” Carl asked.

“We’re going to be in the street… in the front yard where we can talk in private. I’m not going to do anything to her,” Jerry said.

Jerry’s eyes were bright and full of optimism. I got up but hadn’t answered him yet. He was imploring me to let him come along. I pouted my lips, thinking, “This is your one and only chance for us to even begin to be friends again… For Mandy’s sake. That’s all….”

He smiled, lifting his hands in surrender, “I’ll take it,” he jumped to his feet.

“It’s okay, Carl. Thx anyway.”

Jerry followed me over the grass, helping me when my heels got stuck. He pushed the people out of the way on the dance floor so they wouldn’t bump into me. We walked through a hallway and out the front door. I stopped when we were on the porch, not wanting to go further away from the house than necessary. He took my hand and gently tugged me further out into the side of the garden. “This is far enough,” I pulled my hand out of his.

“Juliet, I want you back… I want you back in my life.”

“You do this every time. I thought we would make up tonight so we could at least be friends.”

“Is there nothing I can do to make you change your mind?”

“You forfeited that right when you didn’t apologize or even acknowledge your mistake,” I spat out.

He stared at me for a long time, “Would it have made a difference?”

“Of course… It’s not like you went through with it. You stopped and left, which I think, in that case, was the right thing to do. I’m not stupid… Some men have limits and… I’m also to blame for what happened that night… I was snarky, biting you, and didn’t want to stop drinking when you told me to.”

“I should’ve let you… What was so wrong with you drinking anyway? Now you do it, and no one tells you to stop… And I’m miserable without you,” he wanted to touch my hair, but I swatted his hand away.

“Jerry, we’re no good together. You’re too much like me… we will end up killing each other. If it wasn’t that night, it would be five years down the road…The thing is that I don’t like people telling me what to do… You need a sweet girl that will put you on a pedestal.”

“That’s not what I want… Some fake relationship,” he said softly. “You’ve come to school a few times… where you looked… like hell, Jules, and it’s eating at me… That I can’t be there for you… Are you okay?”

I was puzzled, taking a drag of my cigarette. Jerry was acting like he was when we dated; open, honest, and caring. I didn’t even think he noticed anything, let alone the dark circles under my eyes. I thought about how I felt when I had those episodes… Having more friends than fewer was always good. It really didn’t matter. All I wanted was for him to get the closure I had about us. I was leaving for France, and Jerry wasn’t going to make me stay. “I had some issues… but it seems to be sorting itself out… I didn’t think you noticed.”

Jerry had been leaning against a rock and stood, stepping towards me. He held out his hand so that I could put mine in his… I stood frozen. “I noticed… I made a mistake… I want to apologize for what happened that night,” I just stared at him, “I lifted my hand to… actually hit you… and I have no excuse… The guilt made me… act stupid.” I glanced down at his hand. He was holding it out, palm up. Who was this? “Give me another chance.”

I was getting pulled in with his sweet words, too drunk to know the difference, “There is someone else,” I blurted out. I knew I was lying. I wanted it to be true, but Louis wasn’t asking me out, and Chris dumped me. I just wanted to see if Jerry was being sincere. Nothing like jealousy to bring out the best in people.

He tried to keep his cool… “Who is it?” He asked, nudging his chin at me. I didn’t answer. He thought for a while… “Don’t tell me it’s that French teacher.”

I smirked, “You don’t like him?” Jerry pulled his hand back, and right there, I had my answer. Still selfish… “So, is it him or not?” Jerry’s tone had changed. He was annoyed, and the anger in his eyes flared up like always. I scoffed.

***

Chris

Juliet was a no-show until about ten. I was still waiting to see if they would come. I was nervous, knowing she was going to be next door… I was peeping out the living room window like some stalker. I had given up on Sita coming at all and had given over to entertaining myself. Louis’s car pulled up, and they got out. I took a deep breath and relished seeing her in that dress and heels. I wanted to shake her—coming dressed like that. Some or other time… even if it was in twenty years or fifty, I knew I would get my chance. Tell her to put some clothes on. The way she dressed made the hair on my arms stand up. Why did Louis drop her off like that? Wasn’t he in love with her? Why were they together all the time? He couldn’t even go to a party with her. How were they going to make it work?

For two more hours, I was in and out of the house. I had opened my study doors leading out to the garden. From there, I had taken a chair and placed it next to the wall in the garden—in the dirt. It wasn’t my finest moment, but I had nothing else to do. I couldn’t care that Sita had not shown up, that she had given no excuse or what she would think if she saw me there. I could handle being alone again. I could take the constant music and the noise they were making… What I couldn’t handle was hearing Juliet’s name called.

“Come and dance, Juliet… Let’s take a smoke break, Juliet…Here’s a drink for you. Enjoy.” I was so jealous, stupid, and peevish.

When Juliet and a small group of kids sat on the blankets in the garden, I could listen to their whole conversation. Of course, I had peeked over the wall several times to take in the scene. When she left for the dance floor or the front to talk to other people, I followed through the house and watched her. I couldn’t see her dancing, but I wished I could. After a lot of back and forth, they seemed to be tiring out and decided to relax on the blankets. For some time, the group chatted. I peeked again, not hearing her voice. Juliet lay on her back, staring at the sky. It left me wondering what she was thinking about. She wasn’t herself, and something was off.

Her luck worsened when Jerry pitched. Their peace was overrun by many older guys and girls who made themselves at home. Jerry took the liberty of sitting next to Juliet. I couldn’t look and sat down on my chair, listening, rubbing one hand with the other. I didn’t know how I would feel or what I would do if I saw her making out with someone.

Jerry asked her to go to the front to talk. It took some convincing, and to Carl’s credit, he seemed to really care about those two girls. Juliet made the decision and said she would be back in five minutes. I didn’t like it either… So, I followed her and Jerry to the front yard, positioning myself near them when Jerry gave his speech. I almost lost it when I heard what he did—nearly hitting her, and that’s how their relationship ended. What he wanted from her and him trying to convince her to take him back.

She said there was someone else… Jerry actually named Louis… I was so scared of everything and no one else gave a fig.

***

Juliet

“What does it matter, Jerry. You’re too late! You should’ve apologized the next day. Not kept ignoring me and dumping me over a text… It was the lowest point for me… You know, it’s amazing that men always forget that it’s usually a series of stupid things that drive a woman away and not one big mistake... One that I would’ve easily forgiven. I would’ve given you a second chance. I really… loved you. We were good together… But you have shown me that I’m a fool when it comes to men… I won’t be again. You were the last guy I gave my heart to, getting nothing in return.”

“Who is it, Jules?” Jerry kept prodding.

I sighed, entirely over his ignorance, “Tsk, Tsk… Come on, Jerry. You’re disappointing me. Like I haven’t had a string of guys after you.”

I prepared to leave, flicking my cigarette to the ground and squashing the bud with my shoe. He softly reached for my wrist. I didn’t feel threatened, so I stopped, “We’re not done talking.”

I pulled out from his grasp, “I think we are,” my sarcastic tone was back.

He grabbed my shoulders and spun me around… Being on lace-up stilettos was a difficult task by itself. To keep my balance on the grass was nearly impossible. I couldn’t really brace before he wanted to kiss me. I lifted my arms up in front of my face, getting in there before his lips planted on mine.

“I need you, Juliet,” he whispered.

I pushed him away… “All you want is to get off… Yeah, I’m not doing that anymore.”

“I think your chat is over,” a voice came from the dark.

Jerry and I jumped when Chris stepped around the big rock that separated the next-door neighbor’s yard from the one we were in. His hands were in his pockets… I couldn’t believe that fate was working so overtime those last few months. What were the freaking chances? My hand flung to my heart; it was beating a million miles per second. He scared the crap out of me.

“Mr. Rheed!” Jerry said loudly. Ashamed, Jerry let me go and stood away from me.

“Mr. Rheed…” I said in a sardonic tone.

Chris’s eyes were cast down. His cold manner was scaring Jerry and me.

“Jerry… Get lost! And if Juliet doesn’t want to press charges, we’ll all forget about this little incident.”

Jerry and my eyes met in mutual disbelief. I lifted my shoulders, shrugging, “I’m used to it! So, no! I don’t want to press charges, Mr. Rheed….” Still a little drunk… I giggled and smiled at the absurdity that was my life, “But thanks anyway!”

Chris’s head snapped up. The look he gave me would have made me cower if I didn’t hate him so much. I didn’t need him to rescue me. And didn’t he say he would stay away from me? I wasn’t blushing. I met his gaze full-on. My insides were melting, though, seeing him that close and in person, outside of school. It brought back what happened in the last few weeks. Be strong, Juliet… Remember the letter… Remember how you felt… Every time he pushed you away. Guard your heart at all costs. He had enough of you and is only being your teacher. I wished and prayed Louis would walk over and get me out of there… that he had been waiting in the car for us.

Ever since I could remember, I could say what I wanted when I wanted. It was a curse in itself. My on-hand sarcasm, “I can handle Jerry… there is no need for adult supervision. We’re at a party, and we were just talking,” I sneered out the words. Our eyes were still fixed on each other.

Chris’s breathing became ragged. He was holding back words, biting his bottom lip. Jerry stood confused about the way we were acting. His eyes darted from me to Chris, “Don’t tell me he’s dipping into you too? Two teachers, Juliet?” Jerry said.

Chris flinched at him, making an almost viral noise to get the guy to hit the road. Jerry wasn’t stupid and knew when to call it a night. Chris’s face was all contorted, trying to keep it together. Jerry took a small run toward his car. Chris watched him go. Stupidly, I couldn’t do anything else besides stare at Chris. The man turned me into such a fool… The silence stretched out uncomfortably for a few minutes. He hadn’t turned to me yet, “I think you should go home,” Chris said through clenched teeth.

I laughed lightly, “No way! Why should I?”

“Because that is my house!” he almost spat in my face as he came closer… “Because this is where I live. I didn’t expect to see you here tonight… This might be easy for you, but it’s not for me…! Okay!” His tone was a mixture of condescension and irritation.

The words stung, and they cut deep. The way he was speaking to me made tears well up. I knew my obsession with the man and my desires— would last forever. He crushed me every time he opened his mouth to put me down. I had promised myself I would never cry in front of him. He was mature and decisive. Knew what he wanted and how to stick to it. Sita had to be in the house… His wife was waiting for him. This was their territory, and I was invading. He could’ve been watering plants and heard me and Jerry’s conversation… I bit the inside of my lip, thinking about everything he must have heard. It didn’t matter… He didn’t want anything like that from me. He had his wife… He was so close to me and so angry.

Resolved, I swallowed my tears, “Okay…” I lifted my arms into the air, “I’ll go… I didn’t know… You don’t have to worry… I’m not the type to make a scene.” He didn’t turn around when I walked past him. Reaching the street, I had to bend down to unlace my shoe. After removing the one, I got up, hopping on one spot to take off the other, holding them with my two fingers. While walking down the street, what happened sunk in. Chris asked me to leave, and I was. We were going to France, and I would never see him again. That would be my last memory of him; the tears ran freely down my cheeks. Agitated, I swiped over my face and cursed my wet fingers. Why did I have to be so pathetic? Frustrated, I thought about Louis and his acceptance of me. What was the guy waiting for? “Where are you when I need you?” I whispered.

“What the hell are you doing?” Chris said while he spun me around. When he saw my face, he let go of my shoulder and stepped back.

“I’m freaking going home! Didn’t you just tell me to?!”

He lowered his head and ran his fingers through his hair, spinning around in an agitated circle, “F-!” he yelled, grabbing my wrist and pulling me along until I stood in his house in the foyer. He picked up his wallet, keys, and phone from a table near the door. Chris pushed me out of the house.

Carl came running around the corner with Charlene in tow, “You okay, Jules?”

“I’m taking her home… Get in the car, Juliet.”

Charlene looked worriedly at me. Carl tried to save the situation by saying, “We have a lift home, Mr. Rheed. If it’s inconvenient.”

“If you’re in love with her, you’re doing a piss poor job of protecting her!”

Carl shook his head in bewilderment. He was caught off guard but rallied, being attacked out of the left field, “Something you will still learn, Mr. Rheed… Seems the hard way. Is that Juliet does what Juliet wants! And Juliet gets… what Juliet wants.”

Chris stopped walking into the garage, slowly turning to Carl, frowning. “Maybe you should all not give in to her so much!” I almost lost it. Carl reached for me and pulled me in behind him.

***

Chris

The minor gesture of Carl holding Juliet back didn’t escape me… I wondered what she would have said. Carl’s words were directed at me… I stood no chance of getting out of that grip Juliet had on me... Juliet… wanted me… The term had the opposite effect on me. Carl tried to let me know that he had no claim over her… Nor did I… I glanced at her and back at Carl… I had to shake myself, “Are you two getting in the car with us or not?”

“Juliet. I already called Louis. He’s on his way. I think you are overreacting, Mr. Rheed,” Charlene said.

“You and Mr. Du Pont on a first-name basis now, Charlene?” I was being sarcastic.

For some reason, Carl lost it and stepped closer to me, almost up into my face, “He was the one that stayed with Juliet… after your letter… She was ill for days. Who do you think took care of her?” Stricken, I remember how she looked that week, thin to the bone. Dark-rimmed eyes. What even Jerry had noticed. I don’t even know why I wrote it… I thought it was a crush. “Her parents had to go to their uncle to ask for help… So, they left her here with Louis… Do you even understand the meaning behind that kind of trust? What’s your problem anyway?”

Tears kept running down Juliet’s cheeks. She was futilely trying to wipe them away. Charlene was trying to comfort her. I was hurting her… I kept breaking her. It was too much, “Get in the car, Juliet. We need to talk.”

***

Juliet

I’ve had some crappy moments in my life… But when a car pulled into the driveway, and Sita casually got out… it was a whole new level of low for me. Elegantly, she picked up her handbag and closed the door, smiling when she saw my friends and me. “Hello, Juliet… Carl, Charlene…” I lifted a hand and waved at her.

“Are you okay?”

I forgot that I was crying… “I had a fight with a boy. Mr. Rheed came out and helped.”

“Yeah, he’s been so much help,” Carl said, still close to Chris.

Sita was an outstanding actor that night. It almost looked like she was outraged, “Who was it? Do we need to report him?” she seemed genuinely concerned. I wiped away the tears again. She came over, getting me a tissue from her clutch. Her long blond hair was curled. She was wearing a beautiful one-shoulder black dress. She was taller than usual with her high heels on, and without mine, I looked like a child compared to her.

“Thank you… but no… It’s my ex-boyfriend. He can’t seem to let go. You know men always want to milk the cow without buying it,” Chris’s head jerked up. I saw the scrutiny in his eyes.

“Not all men just give up on commitments. This is something you will learn with time,” she glanced at Chris as if she had given him a compliment. I wanted to slap her. Kill her. Suck her dry. But as stupid as I was, my eyes had to lock with Chris’s like magnets, and he wasn’t staring at his wife.

She didn’t like it and stepped out in between us, breaking our fixed gaze. “I am sorry, I’m late,” she said, walking closer to him, “Something came up, but I am all yours for the rest of the evening.”

Chris had on slacks and flip-flops. She looked at the keys in his hand and then at me, “Were you going to take her home?” He looked down at the chain dangling around his finger and nodded, “No matter! She doesn’t look well.”

Sita scanned me from my frazzled, frizzy hair to my bare feet. I felt so small, “No! Please… My friends are still here… I‘m not alone, and we were going to go home together as soon as Louis… Mr. Du Pont pitches… I wouldn’t want to ruin your evening. You obviously have plans.”

“He is on his way,” Carl and Charlene said to appease them.

I dared to glance at Chris. His features were unreadable. The look on his turned to determination. He walked to the car door and opened it, “Get in the car, Juliet… Sita, you are so late. Our plans are canceled!” he said, making eye contact with me again.

“I really don’t mind. Have a good night, Juliet. I hope you feel better,” Even her voice irritated me. She was so accommodating and condescending. What did he ever see in that stuck-up cow?

With my personality, I probably could’ve just said no. Waited five more minutes and got into Louis’s car. I looked at Carl and Charlene imploringly… Chris got into the driver’s side, and the car rumbled to life. “You better go. It doesn’t seem like he’ll let up,” Charlene whispered into my ear, “Maybe it would be good if you talked. You know.”

“For heaven’s sake!” I snarled, turning towards the car. I opened the back door and got in behind him, the same as I did that night after the highway. Deja vu.

Chris turned in his seat, staring at me scooting in behind him. He snapped, pushed open his door, and then yanked mine open, “Get out and sit in the front!”

“No!” I whispered through clenched teeth, stretching my eyes, not able to give him a piece of my mind in front of his wife.

“Right now, Miss Farrow!” I hesitated for a second, too long, “Get out!” He yelled.

What the hell was that? I was startled into obedience. I got out, walked around the back of the car, and sat down in the front with him. Juliet didn’t get what she wanted with that guy. Seemed like Chris got everything his way… I loathed the idea of losing control, but how quickly I gave it up by getting into the freaking car. Stupid Juliet.