This Is Where I Want To Be

19. Strong Girls

Juliet

I was determined to show Chris just how mature I could be. If he didn’t think we could work, I would give him exactly what he wanted. Even if his words hit me to the core, it wasn’t like anything was going on between us—besides my lonely expectations. It was one hard lesson to learn. Wishing and hoping and living in a fantasy about a guy who might not feel the same about me. For him, there was much more at stake. He wasn’t ready to give up on his marriage… Chris was still in love with Sita. I was jealous and angry. It felt like my heart was breaking; in reality, I would probably get over him. I would love him forever, be obsessed forever… But I was not going to be that girl… Not that week, anyway.

Since I had introduced Louis to Carl and Charlene and since her secret was out, the three of us were solid as a rock. The honesty between us had brought us closer together and bridged the gap that separated us for a while. Driving to and back from school that week gave us time to fine-tune our plans about going to France. Louis had an estate there, so it was ideal. We could just get on a plane and go.

“My dad would be too glad to know he wouldn’t need to see me until next year. Especially if he didn’t need to pay… Charlene, do you want to tell your parents? Or are we faking an exchange student thing?” Carl asked.

“I really don’t know. This is all still unreal to me. Let me think about it.”

“I would have to quit my job or take a leave of absence…” Louis took my hand, “The headmaster is so enamored with your parents that he would do it with a smile.”

“Your parents, Juliet?”

Louis and I shared a look, and the inside joke was funny, “As long as I’m not the one pregnant, my parents will be fine.”

“You’d be surprised how desperate parents can get for a little baby in the family,” Louis gave me a saucy smile.

“So, you are trying to get into my pants,” He laughed, “You want to have babies with me?” Louis smiled the broadest smile I had ever seen. I didn’t think it was possible, but he surprised me every time I made him happy.

As Louis pulled into the schoolyard, the headmaster got out of his car. He greeted us and made polite conversation for a while. It was the perfect opportunity, and Louis told us he would talk to him. As they walked away, Louis glanced back at me. He always made a point of doing it, and I liked that.

“This is really happening…?” Charlene came closer, watching Louis and the principal leaving, “We haven’t had any time to talk… Come on, spill.”

“I have so much to tell you guys…I don’t even know where to start… But first, I have to say that I’m sorry I lied to you. I’ve been lying about so many things. But from now on, I want to slowly show you guys what’s going on in my life.”

There were worried glances between Carl and Charlene, “I also lied… for months about my pregnancy… Can we make a clean slate about everything?” Charlene and I turned to Carl, staring him down.

He didn’t even have to think about it, “Deal, let’s take this time and start sharing more. No judgments or fear that we won’t be friends after.” I agreed, and we hugged it out. “Broh’s before hoes!” We laughed and made our way to class.

***

Thursday

30 March 2022

The four of us had spent so much time together. Charlene and Carl had been staying at my house. My mom and dad phoned a few times. Louis had a long chat with them, and they decided to not rush back from Canada. It was good for them; they needed the break. That whole week, the only thing anyone talked about was the party on Friday. One of our friends was having his birthday, and I realized my birthday had to be soon… I had to check my phone to make sure of the date. “Today…?” I whispered to myself. It was my birthday… I had forgotten entirely. Carl and Charlene had not said a word. They usually made such a fuss. Louis was sure to know. Come to think about it, they were all super quiet in the car that morning. I groaned, realizing they were planning something.

In the first period, some delivery guy brought balloons. It disrupted the class with everyone wishing me a happy birthday. In the second period, I got a big teddy bear delivered. We had math, and our teacher was livid that someone would dare to do it. She was not a happy person. The third period was before break—they had gone for a big cake. At least we had a study period, and that teacher was fun. We had the best time eating and listening to music, and Louis wasn’t ignoring me at school anymore. Since our kiss, he had been different. For two weeks, he had been everywhere… In that period, he even came to my class, pretending to come for a slice of cake. The teachers loved him. The kids were all over him. I didn’t even get jealous once. Louis had a way of knowing exactly what to say when one of the female students or teachers showed too much interest. Louis did it in such a way that they thought it was their idea and then continued making jokes and entertaining us, sitting with us and also eating a slice.

Later that day, we sat under our trees during second break. It was my favorite place at school. Charlene and Carl had put out a blanket with a basket. My balloons were there, and we used my teddy as back support. I was feeling so much better and have had no spells since that clot came out of me. I could actually keep down everything I ate during the day. So far, it had been one of the best days in a long time.

“I can’t believe you didn’t remember your birthday….”

“I think your baby has taken precedence in my mind… I have to say I can’t wait to get out of here and help you change nappies... Tell Ben… and see what happens with you guys.” Charlene was quiet. “I’m sorry, I’m so excited about this… How do you feel? Any nausea?”

“Today is a good day. Today is one of those rare days… I can’t wait to get out of this hell hole. If I never come back to this small backcountry little town… I would be the happiest person ever.”

“No more school… Can you imagine the freedom we’re going to have in France?” Carl chimed in.

“But one last party to say goodbye?” I threw the idea out there. My best supporter of having a good time jumped on the bandwagon, “Hell, yes! I need to get drunk!” Carl said.

“You never drink. Don’t start now.”

My parents were at home after school. I was so happy to see them. For the rest of the day, we had family time together. Louis, Charlene, and Carl—all included, of course. We took that time to tell my parents everything… They readily agreed and thought it best for us to get out of there and start with the next phase in our lives. They would join us to make it easier on Charlene’s parents, giving her time to figure out what she wanted to do. We would travel first, the four of us. My mom and dad would sell everything and join up with us later. It was strange when Louis and I took them home that night. We had a taste of how it would be. The four of us got along. I didn’t know how Louis did it. The two of us had some time to talk. Even though nothing was said about the kiss or whether we were exclusive. I was still waiting for him to ask, but it didn’t come.

Chris popped into my mind from time to time. Knowing it was over made me force myself to let go of him. It was a two-year love interest, but I didn’t have much to hold on to. Maybe Louis wanted me to be entirely over Chris first… I sighed, thinking about when that would be.

***

Chris

After Juliet walked away from me… I went home, reliving the whole experience over and over. The moment I had to enter the class, my hands were sweating. Wiping them on my pants, I did what I had to. I wanted to get it over with. I grabbed her hand and held it. It was so small in mine. So soft. When I looked up into her eyes, I saw that she wasn’t blushing or being shy. I almost couldn’t go through with it. She stood in front of me for the first time as her equal. I was waiting for the death stare, but all she wanted was to get her hand out of mine and run away like the first day we met. I had pushed her to close the gap between us, and now… I was ending it all. I shoved the envelope into her palm… It was over. Juliet and I were over. She knew exactly what was going on. I let go of her, feeling her skin for the last time. All I could do was apologize like an idiot, telling her to “sleep well.”

She left, not showing any emotions. It felt like she never liked me. Maybe I was a stupid fool for even writing the words. Would it have naturally died down if I had just stopped staring at her and quit my job as I should have months ago? I apologized again. I hated myself for letting it get that far. I barely heard the whisper, “Coward.” The word stabbed through my heart. She didn’t know how much courage it took to take the high road. I sighed, thinking about it. She would learn the hard way; one day, she would have to make a decision, not for herself… Or I was making the biggest mistake of my life, and the high road was only my stupid pride.

I had agreed to two weeks, and the time had come. Sita and I were still not talking. It felt strange to be alone in the house. It wasn’t easy… all of it. My computer class was the only time I heard anything about Juliet. It was her birthday that day. The kids had difficulty settling down and discussing what Carl and Charlene had planned that year. I had no part in her day… I was disappointed that I couldn’t even wish her a happy birthday. I even had a present for her. It was something special from my childhood that meant the world to me. When I thought about Juliet, I knew she would love it. I never wanted to let go of it until I met her… Having nowhere to hide it, I put it in my safety deposit box at the bank, along with all the small notes I wrote to my invisible girl. When I took out the old cellphone box with the present, I wanted to give her... I had to read some of the notes, remembering one specific day. That day suddenly made sense. One I almost forgot about. She had been in my class, in my car, and with me at that stream. That look in her eye when I gave her the letter was all I needed to push through and put it all back. Her present was where it would stay until I could give it to Juliet myself, and if I never could…. so be it.

On top of it being her birthday, another student was planning their own party that Friday. The students discussed every detail.

“Friday night, guys?” Carl came into the class all animated.

The chorus of responses was great… As subtly as possible, I edged closer to listen to their conversation.

“Are Juliet and Charlene going, Carl?” Asked Mandy, “Where is Charlene?”

Carl scanned the room… “She should be here….” Concern made him keep checking the door. “Yeah, we all agreed to go. You know Juliet can’t say no to a party.”

“Awesome! Well, it’s going to be a big crowd.”

Carl looked at me fleetingly, seeing that I was listening. He pretended not to notice and kept talking, “Oh, really. Do you know who is going to make an appearance?”

Another student interrupted, “I just hope Jerry’s crowd won’t show up.”

“Well, that’s almost impossible. The two neighborhoods are divided by a bridge and a stream. A party is a party. What does it matter who’s there.” Some other student gave their two cents.

“You will have to ask Mandy. Whatever happened to you and Owen anyway?” Carl asked in her direction.

“Haven’t heard from him,” Carl shook his head.

“I just hate it when the older guys start pitching up. They always spoil the fun,” one of the students said.

“I hope Jerry’s advances aren’t wearing Juliet down, and she caves eventually,” another one pitched in.

Carl kept looking over his shoulder at the door. Charlene had not made it to class yet. Worriedly, he got up. Asked if he could go and see if she was okay. Carl seemed serious. I wouldn’t say no, anyway. He slapped my shoulder and ran out the door. I shook my head, but they returned soon after. When Charlene was there, the conversation went from logistics to what everyone would wear. Juliet’s little dress she bought was mentioned. It was my cue to leave. Images of her walking beside the road in almost nothing flashed in my mind.

For a moment, I was apprehensive about Juliet being at a party. These older guys they were talking about. There was really nothing I could do. She had been in a club two weeks ago.

I kept observing Juliet’s two friends; something was up with them. Carl even brought Charlene a snack and a bottle of water. Were they dating? Carl didn’t seem like Charlene’s type… but what did I know. Juliet liked me… My mind stopped working when that thought ran through me.

Later, when checking the kids’ work while walking through the rows of computers, I saw Carl and Charlene in deep conversation. I heard a date. The word “France.” It was weird that either of them would be talking about traveling abroad. I sat at my desk, staring at Charlene and Carl talking… wondering why none of them were looking at me funny or judging me. Carl was even treating me like he always had. In the back of my mind… I thought the letter would bring out a childish reaction from Juliet. She would make a scene. I would’ve been justified that someone her age couldn’t handle a serious relationship.

Juliet had shown the most follow-through I had ever seen in a person… For two weeks, she had treated me like nothing had ever happened. It was me… I didn’t trust her age or thought that she knew anything about real life. No! It would never have worked. My relationship with Sita was the one to rescue… I kept reminding myself… I kept trying to convince myself that Juliet wasn’t serious about me… It was a further blow when we walked past each other once that week, but it was like it didn’t even matter. All I saw was the indifference in her eyes. She looked me straight in the eye, kept eye contact, and nodded. Greeted me respectfully with Carl and Charlene. “Mr. Rheed” was back… At that moment, I thought I would die… Seeing that she could go from one to the other so quickly was soul-crushing. In my life, I never had to say no to a girl. Why did Juliet have to be the one I needed to reject?

Even if it had been just two weeks… she was obviously doing much better than me. It seemed that she was stronger emotionally. Had an ability beyond my understanding… Heck, she might not even be human… and she had a guy that was pursuing her. All of a sudden… Louis du Pont couldn’t care if the school knew they were acquainted. They came to school together. He drove her home. Charlene and Carl were glued to their side. They talked whenever they saw each other. Laughed, and they seemed like genuine friends. I had told Juliet we were friends… Then, I cut her out of my life... I was disappointed in myself, knowing that Juliet would soon be with someone else. It shook me to my core.

I still watched her… but I made a hundred percent sure she didn’t notice. That Sita and Louis didn’t see. I wasn’t over our routine just yet. What hurt me even more was that she was looking for Louis. She would be on her phone, and he would soon find her. She made a point of focusing on him. They didn’t have to hide their relationship. Every look ended up in some exchange of words. Sometimes, they checked papers with him and exchanged things. I had no idea what was going on. It was clear as day that their relationship was escalating.

The big blow came when I saw them talking next to his car one morning. He stuck some of her hair in behind her ear. It was quick but intimate. She was talking about something and didn’t even notice or say anything about him doing it at school. Neither of them could care about the age difference between them or that someone would say something. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. The way he was staring at her… was too much for me.

Friday night was inevitable. I was sitting on the edge of my bed, waiting for Sita. The evening was quiet until about eight when loud music droned over the wall from next door. The neighbors were having a party. We weren’t invited… again… because of Sita. I had lost so much because of her… No one wanted to deal with her stuck-up city ways and looking down on everything and everyone. Stupid Chris never did anything without her, and with her, it was too uncomfortable. She had been disappointed in marrying me, that was for sure. That night was her two-week deadline. She had said that she would come and we should try and… make the night memorable. Go out for dinner, have a drink, and have fun before... we needed to have sex.

I was dead inside. Every time I saw her at school… I wanted to pull out of our agreement to try again. Sita was beautiful; any man would want to be with her physically. Just the thought made me anxious, and not in a good way; I would actually have to initiate at the end of the night. The fear of her rejecting me was plaguing me. How that scene played out in my mind. If she didn’t participate… Argh, it was driving me insane. All of it. I had to prepare myself mentally. We had one shot at making us work. To try again. I can’t say that I married her for love because I didn’t. There was just no one else in that place. Maybe that’s why I overlooked Juliet until that year. I was too busy… wanting to be happy that I didn’t notice I wasn’t. Trying too hard to fix my life… I didn’t realize it had gone on without me. I sighed as I thought about the touches Juliet and I had shared. Her hand and mine together in my pocket, her soft fingers caressing my cheek and my hand exploring the curves of her body. I feared it was all I would be thinking about later that night.

Sita’s old room was now ours again. Seemed like a space I didn’t even want to spend any time in, let alone sleep with her. I had taken out the other bed and emptied the room I had stayed in for so long. Moved all my stuff back into our room… She could make it a hobby room if she wanted. If we were going to make us work, we had to jump into the deep end.

I was ready to go out to dinner, just waiting for Sita. We were supposed to have been at the restaurant at eight, but she said she was running late. I wasn’t taking her crap anymore… I texted her back to warn her that she had thirty minutes to show up.

When the time was over, I went to the front of the house to check my phone. From the kitchen window, I had a clear view of the street and noticed a lot of cars parked on the road. I walked to the living room to draw back the curtains for a better view. There were groups of kids standing on the front lawn. Some got out of their cars and moved inside… It was the neighbor’s kid that was having a party… I let out a cuss word… It had to be the one that Carl had talked about. That meant… Juliet would be next door the whole night. I paused, thinking about the irony of the situation. Was she already there? I had to shake myself and let the curtains drape again. It didn’t matter if she was. I had made my decision. I opened my phone a little while later… no messages. Sita was an hour late. I glanced back down the hall, thinking about packing my bags.