The TS Memoir of a Misogynistic Novelist

It may seem obvious, but the studio was filled with silence at that moment.

Everyone was staring blankly in one direction, and, as expected, at the end of everyone’s gaze was me.

I didn’t end my words there.

“You all started it by spreading rumors about me being an orphan! How is that different from outting?! You guys did the nice outting, but if I do it, it’s a bad outting? Why do you make it seem like I’m the only one who did something wrong? Did I really do something wrong? It’s your fault for writing that awful stuff! You can’t even write well, and you feel resentful just because you heard some feedback in the creative writing department. Isn’t that ridiculous!”

“Y-You, are you insane?”

“You’re the insane one! That girl committed suicide? I wanted to die too! The first words I heard when I was born were that people like you should have been aborted. Do you think I wanted to live? I wanted to die every single day! I survived because I couldn’t die! Is that funny? Is it laughable that you guys spread those rumors because of your petty resentment?!”

I didn’t realize it then, but looking back later, it was an expression of anger no different from a child’s. I threw away all politeness and respect, and pure anger and hatred clashed.

If I had seen it myself, I would have thought it was truly ugly.

Nevertheless, I—

I confronted them with all my sincerity.

“Crying? Are you crying? What did you do that warrants tears? What? Emotional manipulation? Yes! I acted a bit emotionally because I wanted to see that damn proud face of my mother! Is it such a big mistake to say I want to see my mom’s face?!”

My ugly true intentions spilled out.

“Me too! Me too! Me too!”

My ugly true self declared,

“I didn’t want things to end up like this…”

My regrets were laid bare.

Was Jin Seo-hye at a loss for words because of my intensity? She could no longer say anything. She mumbled something, but it wasn’t audible. I might have been shouting too loud.

“U-Um, Seol-guk Writer, let’s calm down a bit.”

The one trying to restrain me was the actor who had been holding onto me. She was still holding onto me, probably trying to stop me if I tried to run out. Following her words, the MC came closer and said to me.

“Jin Seo-hye seems unable to continue speaking.”

He was right. Jin Seo-hye looked half-dazed. However, perhaps not fully, she started mumbling something to me again.

“…Even if you speak like that, I’m not scared at all! I-I…I…didn’t do anything wrong…!”

But Jin Seo-hye couldn’t continue her words. A staff member watching from behind came over and pulled her away.

Looking around, everyone wore faces of shock and confusion.

The filming must have ended a while ago. With such a big issue, it could have been considered a broadcasting accident. They probably halted the filming around the time I was shouting. My outburst must’ve already been aired nationwide.

Anyway, Jin Seo-hye disappeared. As I became aware of this, all the strength left my body. The actor who had been holding onto me loosened her grip, thinking I had calmed down.

Thanks to that, I collapsed to the ground.

And I unknowingly began to cry again. No, it wasn’t just a little; the moment I realized I was crying, I started to sob uncontrollably.

Even I was taken aback by my tears. It was far more embarrassing and humiliating than before, but there was no way to stop it.

The only consolation was that my childlike sobbing wasn’t being broadcast. It had already been exposed to everyone present, but there was nothing I could do about that.

Thus began and likely ended my first, and probably last, television appearance.

Somewhat calmed down, I returned home in the broadcasting station’s car. My phone rang relentlessly, but I ignored it all.

It wasn’t until the next day that I learned the director had recorded even my final sobbing scene and aired it.

~

I fell asleep without eating dinner. After a day, I woke up swollen from sleep. Perhaps it was because I went to bed early right after returning home, I woke up much earlier than usual.

The first thing I did upon waking was turn on my smartphone. I saw all sorts of missed calls and messages. Ignoring everything, I searched for yesterday’s broadcast.

It was a sight to behold.

Apparently, that broadcast had an immense impact, as various things popped up the moment I searched. Naturally, I thought they would all be insults directed at me, but surprisingly, there weren’t as many as I expected. Instead, there were far more insults aimed at Jin Seo-hye, and surprisingly many supportive comments about me.

[So in the end, that girl who committed suicide started it first, right? Isn’t it just giving back what she did? I’m on Seol-guk’s side…]

[Typical of a woman; I had a feeling from the start.]

[Seol-guk is just a kid…needs protection…]

[Lol, those pathetic guys are already starting to support him; gross.]

[Is outting someone as an orphan the same as being a lesbian? Being an orphan gets sympathy, but being a lesbian gets hate in this damn society; clearly, the latter is much worse, right?]

[What a narrow-minded view.]

[Doing that kind of thing, of course, you’ll get scorned, lol.]

[But aren’t both that author and that girl going to sue everyone? They seem scarier than they appear; let’s all be careful.]

[Lol, both of them were just crying like kids; what’s so scary about that?]

[Honestly, it was a bit pathetic.]

[No matter who the person is, honestly, it’s a bit pitiable. If I heard something like that from my mom, I’d probably develop severe misogyny too.]

[Despite all this, wanting to see their mom’s face seemed really sad. I wonder if that person can’t forget their mom either.]

[Wouldn’t they not be able to forget precisely because of that? Most of their personality seems to have been shaped by that mother.]

[I’ve been a fan of this author for a long time, and I didn’t want information leaked like this. But do you really have to go through such things to write such novels? I’m not insulting; I just kind of understand.]

There were many unpleasant comments and insults, but also plenty of support. Despite displaying such behavior, this was the outcome? Is this the power of appearance? It was quite funny to think that this awful face of mine was a help.

Another noteworthy point was that sexual harassment noticeably decreased. Perhaps this was thanks to my appearance. After all, I didn’t have an appearance mature enough for harassment. Of course, it wasn’t entirely absent, but visibly fewer people acted openly like before.

While continuing my ego search, I stumbled upon a portion of the recorded broadcast. Disturbingly, it was only the scene of me crying. Yet, the length of the video was longer than I expected.

Soon, a sense of foreboding arose, and unfortunately, the assumption was correct.

Damn it, the director had recorded even the scene where I sobbed at the end and aired it.

It was naturally content that was worthy of a warning, so what audacity did they have to air it? Was it merely to boost the ratings since I was just a temporary guest anyway? Did they give up on getting a warning from mid-way and choose ratings instead?

Shame turned my face red.

But there was nothing I could do immediately.

After cooling my flushed face, I resumed my ego search.

I browsed various sites, and most had similar opinions. Even on female-dominated sites, there were often those supporting me. It was surprising.

Even with the situation flowing like that, I achieved about half of what I aimed for.

I stopped the ego search and briefly closed my eyes to calm my thoughts.

What I did yesterday was the worst choice.

However, the worst choice didn’t lead to the worst result.

It was an incredibly fresh and sweet experience. So sweet that I had to be cautious.

It seemed that Ham Yejin shared those thoughts. Numerous missed calls and messages confirmed that.

[Please answer the phone.]

[Are you okay?]

Through the messages in Ham Yejin’s CocoaTalk chat room, though they weren’t visible, I felt a lot of concern for me.

Several messages had also come from Seo Jae-Ah and Muk Ha-neul. They were just ordinary worries, but it showed they cared for me.

As I checked CocoaTalk, my eyes widened.

[I’m coming tomorrow; send me your address.]

[I’m coming today; send me your address.]

One was a message from yesterday, and the other had just arrived today.

It bore neither worry nor consolation. Just a rough and simple notification and question about coming to find me.

In a daze, I wrote down my address.

Soon, a reply arrived.

[Okay, I’ll be there.]

There was no unnecessary talk in that message.

It was so typical of them.

The owner of the message was Gang Hwa-won.

My only friend, Gang Hwa-won.

It was the first time we would meet since I became this way.

I couldn’t let him see me like this.

I hurriedly wiped my face, which was a mess from makeup and tears, and washed up. I was worried about my hair, but I left it as it was, fearing it wouldn’t look tidy. I changed into neat clothes and waited for Gang Hwa-won.

After a while, the doorbell rang. I opened the door without checking who it was.

But it wasn’t Gang Hwa-won there.

“Seol-guk…s-si?”

“Ham, Ham Yejin….”

I stuttered in surprise, and Ham Yejin asked.

“Are you okay?”

“…I’m fine. Why are you here all of a sudden?”

“I was worried because I sent several texts and got no reply. I thought I’d come check on you. I texted, but you didn’t seem to read them.”

It was true. I checked, and one of the messages said Ham Yejin was coming to my house.

“Sorry. I didn’t see it because I was washing up.”

“Who were you waiting for?”

“Umm…a friend.”

“…I said it would be better not to meet acquaintances for a while… Well, it probably doesn’t matter now.”

“Um… I’m sorry, but…”

I felt bad for Ham Yejin, but I wanted her to go back now. It was time to meet Hwa-won. It wouldn’t be strange for the three of us to meet together, but right now, I wanted to talk with Hwa-won alone.

Fortunately, Ham Yejin seemed relieved that I was okay and quickly nodded.

“Okay, then I’ll go for today. If anything happens, contact me immediately. I’ll visit you again tomorrow. Let’s talk about today then. This is a gift.”

Somehow, Ham Yejin’s tone seemed slightly lecturing. It was unavoidable since I had done something wrong, but it was a bit annoying. Ham Yejin left behind a set of vitamin drinks and disappeared from my sight.

It was immediately after Ham Yejin left. The doorbell rang again, and I opened the door. I thought Ham Yejin had returned, but it wasn’t her.

“…Hello.”

I greeted first.

And you answered.

“It’s been a while.”

It had been almost a month.

There stood Gang Hwa-won.

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