The TS Memoir of a Misogynistic Novelist

A novelist, of course, is someone who must always create creative and new expressions, but the expressions that I can come up with right now are nothing but clumsy, clichéd, and boringly uninteresting ones.

“Oh, I think something just got in my eye for a moment. It’s nothing.”

It was truly the kind of ordinary response that made me seem unqualified as a novelist. I unconsciously wiped my tears with my hand. The tears that seemed like they would stop soon did not, and I continued to wipe my tears endlessly.

I can guess why I’m crying so much and why I can’t control it at all.

It’s all because this body has become so weak. In my previous life, I would have been scoffing instead of shedding tears.

However, these tears themselves were not a bad thing. The MC and the panelists, as well as the viewers beyond that camera, would surely feel sympathy for me, crying in this weak body.

So, these tears were by no means a symbol of my mental weakness. They were merely a strategic choice. Perhaps.

The camera kept filming my antics for a while, and after some time, the MC came over and handed me a handkerchief.

“Here, wipe your tears with this.”

“ Th-thank you.”

I wiped my tears with the handkerchief that the MC handed me. As my emotional turmoil settled down to some extent, the tears naturally subsided. A light makeup had transferred onto my hands and the handkerchief. My eyelids must have turned red.

“Really… it’s hard for me to casually speak up. Thank you very much for sharing such a difficult story.”

“Ah, no. It’s just an ordinary story that you can find anywhere.”

Considering the number of women abandoning their children, my story was truly not special. It was just a very common and clichéd tale.

“That said, there’s no reason to not be sad about a common story.”

That was also a correct statement. While it was a bit difficult to say that I had been comforted by the MC’s words, it was enough to allow me to raise my head a little.

According to the script, I was supposed to address my previous statements and various aspects of stories thereon. More specifically, it would be an apology for the statements I had made. Finally, I was supposed to meet Jin Seo-hye, with whom I had a direct conflict.

However, it seemed that even the MC, being a person, could hardly bring up such a topic in this atmosphere. It would be the most insensitive thing to mention something like that to someone who had just shed tears.

The panelists had nothing they could do in this situation. As the time for the talk show passed in vain, it was neither the MC nor the panel that broke the situation, but another figure.

A disheveled-faced woman burst out from behind the other side of the stage. I could predict the identity of the woman in the familiar outfit. Naturally, it was Jin Seo-hye.

“Are you really trying to garner sympathy with such a ridiculous story right now?!”

“Jin Seo-hye! This is not the right moment for you to come out!”

I could see the staff watching from behind, looking flustered. Jin Seo-hye had jumped out after hearing my story, breaking through the staff’s restraint. It seemed that she had wanted to come out for a while but was held back by the staff.

It was clearly a broadcast accident, but there was no indication from the staff to stop the broadcast. Was this not considered an accident, or had they struck gold with a topic that could draw ratings? I looked at the director in confusion, but he did nothing and continued the broadcast.

Maybe it was intentional. After all, this is one of the few TV programs that do live broadcasts these days. They might have intentionally provoked Jin Seo-hye to generate controversy.

I looked at Jin Seo-hye. Her face was filled with anger, and she spoke with a look of utter injustice, almost on the verge of tears.

“I came out here to hear you apologize! Why should I have to listen to you?! Why do you get to take the position of the pitiful one?! You’re the one who killed Seong-hye! You, you with the outing! Just because your mom abandoned you, you think it’s okay to look down on women? Do you think that gives you a free pass?!”

After finishing her words, Jin Seo-hye almost collapsed onto the floor and began to cry in a way that was incomparably more pathetic than I had just been.

I couldn’t help but feel a bit amused at that scene, though I didn’t show it on my face. Was she trying to win with tears in the end? Women have always been like this. As soon as things start to turn against them, they immediately start to whimper and try to get out of the situation with tears.

Do they think that the first one to cry wins? It certainly wasn’t a strategically bad judgment. Exempting the fact that I had already cried first.

Just a moment ago, I had been in a similar predicament. Although I hadn’t tried to get out of the situation with tears, and it wasn’t intentional tears either, still, recalling my own tears made this ridiculous situation feel even more unpleasant.

I couldn’t believe that I was in the same situation as such a woman.

“This broadcast shouldn’t have happened. The internet is filled with hateful comments! I gave up the job I found to bring this to light, and what? My mom abandoned me? So what?! Do you think that allows you to be forgiven for killing Seong-hye?! Do you think you can come on air and shed some tears and that’s it?!”

The panelists and the MC were so flustered that they couldn’t stop Jin Seo-hye. I too didn’t know how to respond.

Rising from her spot, Jin Seo-hye slowly approached me. I unconsciously stood up and stepped back in my chair. However, Jin Seo-hye came all the way to me and grabbed my shoulder.

“Look how small you’ve become. Is that what you wanted? If you shed a few tears, everyone will cry along with you? What’s the difference between you and the women you despised so much? This is divine punishment. Heaven’s punishment for you who killed Seong-hye. Your image earlier, begging for sympathy while crying, is just that.”

“I…”

“Your state is laughable. A person who hated women so much is now a woman, acting the same way. Did you think you were different? You’re no different from the women you used to make cry.”

“No, I…”

“Apologize. Apologize. Not to me, but to Seong-hye. Apologize to Kang Seong-hye. I can never forgive you, but maybe Seong-hye can. Confess your sins and acknowledge them.”

I killed someone.

“Say it.”

I am a murderer.

“Say it.”

It’s all my fault.

“Say it.”

I’m sorry.

“Say it, say it.”

“I, I…”

“Say it!”

Jin Seo-hye looked almost insane. The hatred and anger of someone who lost a lover, combined with sorrow and anguish, was evident. It was a sight I could not understand, having never loved or been in love. It even made me feel a bit scared. The fact that I felt fear was incredibly shameful, but Jin Seo-hye’s intensity made me forget even that shame.

The male panelists and the MC seemed hesitant to intervene since they themselves were men, while the female panelists came out and did their best to separate us. The actress who had wept for me earlier held onto me and pulled me back, while the other female panelists tried to detain Jin Seo-hye.

And still, Jin Seo-hye’s eyes were fixed on me.

Yes, I should apologize.

If just one word of apology could end all this, it would be an easy deal.

After all, this was not a place I came to in the first place to apologize. Even if it were not sincere and just a false pretense. I truly did not want to apologize, but nonetheless, I had chosen and come to apologize.

This was by no means an acknowledgment of defeat or surrender. If I were to apologize now, it would rather tarnish Jin Seo-hye’s image, and my image would improve again. No one would welcome that hideous display of Jin Seo-hye.

So it was certainly a strategically sound and advantageous choice to apologize here. Just apologize.

If I did that, all of this nightmare would end.

So I opened my mouth.

I forced my mouth to open, which wouldn’t budge. And then tried to say the words of apology.

“Mi…”

But for some reason, I couldn’t get the words out.

“Mi…, mi…”

Even my futile mumbling seemed laughable.

“What are you saying?”

A panelist asked what I was trying to say. My voice was too quiet for them to hear.

Right, I should raise my voice and say it. I tried again to speak the words of apology. However,

“Mi,”

At that moment, I looked into Jin Seo-hye’s eyes.

The hatred and despair contained in those eyes could never be extinguished with just an apology. Jin Seo-hye was a pitifully feminine and disgustingly primal person. Yet despite that, Jin Seo-hye did not run away. She had come out to confront me, even at the cost of abandoning herself. She had set aside everything she had built to try to bury me.

It was neither commendable nor something to feel good about, but one thing was certain.

Jin Seo-hye did not run away.

Foolishly, she stood against me without running away.

In such a situation, for me,

as a man,

to run away from a woman was unacceptable.

So I didn’t yell a false apology, but rather, I shouted with a sincere heart. It wasn’t an apology to Jin Seo-hye. It was an apology to the me who had tried to escape, deceive, and lie to myself.

So I said,

“You crazy bitch… you were wrong first!”

I simply can’t apologize.

I’m sorry.

I crossed the line.

---