The Shadows Within

I closed my eyes and let go of everything I had never told a soul before.

“My story begins before I was even conceived, thanks to my biological father being a horrible man. He found pleasure in violating women, taking in twenty women before he fucked up with my mom.” I paused, clasping onto my nightgown.

Why is it so scary to even look at you? Ah... because I don’t want you to judge me like everyone else. But you deserve an explanation after I reacted like that. The last thing I need is for you to think it’s because of you.

Unable to look at Finn, I carried on. “He stalked her from her job one night. She was a nurse, so it was normal for her to be late or not come home sometimes.”

My voice shook, making me wince. “Everyone said he was probably watching her for months.” I bit my lip, gripping the fabric tighter. “Taking the opportunity, he nabbed her while she waited for the bus.”

I paused, closing my eyes, knowing I was probably oversimplifying.

“No one saw it happen, even during daylight hours, right after she had finished a night shift. Even with pedestrians around and a camera catching the entire act, they didn’t find my mother until a week later.” I shrugged.

Thanks to a hooded jacket, his appearance wasn't evident in the video.

“He raped her for the entire time they were together, leaving her battered and bruised everywhere when they found her.” I sighed, vividly remembering the pictures I had found in my stepfather’s office.

Why he kept it was unknown to me.

“Mom survived by wooing him enough to lower his guard, allowing her to roam the house with no bounds.” I felt a disconnect when it came to my mother’s survival story.

Will you want to marry this mess after I’m done? Probably not. Eh, it’s better that way.

“After escaping his grip, she ran naked through the woods before stumbling onto the main road. A nice trucker found her and took her to the nearest hospital.” I glanced over at Solas, who rubbed against my thigh.

It almost felt like he was trying to comfort me.

Such a silly pup.

“Your mother sounds like a fighter, much like you are,” Finn commented, leaving me vulnerable.

I smiled, shaking my head. My heart was throbbing, but it wasn’t his fault.

You don’t know.

“Yeah, she was… until she lost the fight against me. I killed her on my way out. It’s something my stepdad never forgave me for. Nor did my half-sister, Evelyn. Though that’s getting ahead of myself.” I sighed, causing Finn to stiffen up.

It wasn’t his intention, and I didn’t blame him.

So, instead of dawdling there, I continued. “Mom had a weak heart, but it was too big to let me die. It stopped beating after giving birth to me, though everyone would’ve been better off if she had aborted me.” I shrugged, shifting my eyes to the demon beside me.

Finn appeared to be at a loss for words, prompting me to shake my head.

I raised my hand, gripping onto his cloak before tugging on it slightly. “Don’t say anything. Not until the story’s over.”

A soft nod came from him, allowing me to carry on when I let him go.

“So, she had me and went off on her merry way. I still don’t know why my stepdad didn’t give me away or why he kept me. Apparently, it was because he promised her he’d care for me, but he should’ve left me in the hospital and never came back.” I paused, feeling shivers go down my spine.

The foster system isn’t perfect, but it was better than what I went through. Her death fucked him up in ways I couldn’t comprehend.

“If he had left me, that would’ve been a happier ending for me, but my life isn’t made for that,” I mumbled, remembering the feeling Solas gave me.

That’s what I thought until now. But after you gave me Solas, I…

“Growing up, I guess it was good for the first five years. I can’t remember them, so that's probably why I think they were good, but I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than when you gave me this pup.” I confessed as Solas hopped onto my lap.

A soft smile rose on my lips, feeling comforted by his touch. “So, use that as a bar to see how I felt during all those years.”

“Hey—” Finn began, only for me to stop him again.

“Not until the end.” I huffed, not wanting to see his expression.

A soft sigh left his lips, leaning towards me.

“So, I think the first time Dad beat me was when I was ten. He never fed me well before then, but that didn’t hurt as much as his fists. The first time it happened was when I failed a test.” I bit my lip, feeling Finn’s gaze on me.

If being a demon king is too much, you should try to become a therapist. You’re so easy to talk to. Ah… Why didn’t I do this before? Oh, because… those who wanted to hear me cost money, while the ones who didn’t care enough.

But why are you different? Why do I feel I can tell you everything, and you’ll accept it?

“He called me a failure to my face and said that I should’ve died instead of Mom. Evelyn was eleven then and told him to stop wailing. I think she’s the only reason he never killed me. Though with age, she also moved on away from me.” I sighed, letting out a short-broken cackle.

Why did I ever wake up every morning? What got me up and running? Autopilot, I guess.

“So, when I was fifteen, everyone I knew at school learned about my real father. The person who was supposed to be my best friend told the school about it because she was angry with me.” I paused, gripping the sheets.

It would be best if you had punched me and moved on, but teenagers are vengeful little things.

“I mean, she was the only one who spoke to me. So, I guess that made her my best friend of sorts?” I shrugged, trying not to let those memories influence me.

We used to speak about stupid things, but she never noticed how badly I was hurting, and it wasn’t like I tried to help her with her issues, either. However, in my stupidity, I told her about my biological father during one of our hangouts when she mentioned her drug-addict of a father.

I thought we both could bond over our bio fathers' misdeeds, which worked until…

“Her boyfriend tried to make me hook up with him, and when I didn’t, he forced me into a kiss, having a friend take a picture of us. Ah… not the type you draw. It’s a device that captures a moment.” I tried to clarify, glancing over at Finn to see him tilt his head.

His eyes, though, had a soft shimmer of red within them.

“Uh, is there a spell for that?” I mumbled, attempting to lighten the mood.

He nodded, “There is, but you need the canvas and other crap for it. Some mages specialize in it.”

Oh, like photographers. So, they have those in this world, too.

“So, yeah, something like that, but something you can send to others without a second thought,” I added, shifting my glance away from him. “He sent it to everyone in my school. It ended up with her calling me my father’s daughter. Like I raped him or something.” I released a heavy sigh, frowning.

A soft hum came from Finn’s lips. “Was that your first kiss?”

I didn’t see any reason not to be honest.

It isn’t like I’m not telling you my life story, right?

“Yeah, my second one was with you. Sorry for the tongue.” I mumbled.

It was spontaneous, and he didn’t deserve that.

In my defense, I didn’t know you were trying to save me.

“So, you’re a virgin?” the demon king continued to query.

Oi… that… doesn’t matter in my story, doesn’t it?! We’re getting off track here!

His expression caused my eyes to twitch, feeling like this was a provoked attack on me.

Hey! Don’t look at me like that!

“I’m, but not the point! Oi! Little king, stop interrupting me, or else I’ll start calling you perverted demon king instead!” I huffed, glaring at him only for him to chuckle.

However, my heart skipped again when my eyes met him, melting away the irritation quicker than it had formed.

“Yes, Sparky.” He smiled, captivating me, much like his laughter.

I lost my voice, gazing away from him.

Why… no… no!

Shaking my head, I gazed towards Solas.

Get a grip! This may all be a trick, but it feels good to talk to someone.

Clearing my throat, I tried to get a grip on my rogue heart. “A-after that, I can’t count the times I r-rolled down the stairs of my school.” I stuttered.

Chill out already! Damn it, why do you have to be so handsome?! That isn’t fair at all!

Though it wasn’t hard to stabilize myself with the topic that was coming, just remembering how many times I was shoved, drenched in water, and almost drowned in the bathrooms was enough to snap me back.

“Luckily, I never broke a bone. Though the bruises hurt, that’s when Evelyn stopped talking to me, too. She went to the same school and didn’t want the bad rep I had.” I sighed, avoiding some topics.

After that, they accepted my friend into the group, like she was my victim.

“Eve started blaming me for everything, too. If a boy broke up with her, it was my fault. If someone did something against her, again, it was my fault. I tried to keep to myself, working at an enjoyable job. Oh, I worked there since I was thirteen.” I continued, finding my pace again.

Again, Finn silently listened.

“An elderly couple picked me up after finding me one day while I hid in an alley instead of going to school. Dad beat me up so bad that he even fucked up my lip.” I shrugged, “Of course, I told them I fought somewhere. Stupid of me. I don’t even know why I protected him.”

Repositioning myself, Solas rolled off me only for him to jump back up.

“In the end, that restaurant became my little piece of nirvana. Of course, that was only while I was there. At least I didn’t have to worry about food anymore.” I shrugged, poking Solas’s fluff of a cheek.

“Sadly, that stopped when the old man’s wife died not too long ago. He closed the shop, leaving me with nothing but debt. Oh, when I turned eighteen, my dad took out money under my name.” I paused, remembering that day.

He beat me until I signed the paper he had brought home.

I didn’t know what it was. Nor did I care. All I wanted was for the pain to stop, and it did once I gave in.

“Of course, they don’t usually give big loans to eighteen-year-old kids, but since he cosigned well, I was screwed. And if I didn’t pay for it, he was. Of course, it fucks me more because of credit crap that makes little sense to you.” I sighed, seeing Finn tilted his head again.

“Anyways, before I knew it, my credit went to shit because I couldn’t keep up with the payments, and college was getting harder too. I didn’t move out because I was dumb. Looking back, I should’ve just slept on the street somewhere.” I confessed, tapping my legs.

“Then Evelyn got a fiancé. She’s barren, though. So, she can’t have any kids, but she found a workaround, me. She wanted me to lend her my womb, but that’s where I drew the line.” I gripped the sheets under me, feeling my temperature rise at the thought of it.

“I’m not carrying anyone else kid in my belly.” I huffed.

Those words I yelled at her when I stormed out of their dinner.

“I wanted to give this to someone I chose, not them.” Shivers ran down my spine as Evelyn demanded that I sleep with her husband-to-be since they didn’t believe in artificial implantation.

“If I can’t own a car or house or stay in college. I might as well be able to fuck whoever I want, right?” I clicked my tongue, falling onto the bed.

All of it was a mess. I should’ve run away from there, if only…

“Well, not to my father. The money he took out for her, in my name, wasn’t enough. I had to give everything else to Evelyn, too. I took her mom away. So, who else would do it? They could’ve gone for anyone, but since Evelyn can’t produce eggs, she needed me to have something closely related to her.”

There was no oven or egg to make the bread you wanted, so you tried to get me to cook it for you.

It was a valid reason, yet it wasn’t one I would give in to. Perhaps if we had a better relationship, but…

“They even took me to this fancy dinner with her fiancé and everything. He was willing to pay me a lot of money. It was enough to clear the debt, but I…” I trailed off, gazing at the ceiling.

“I told both to fuck off and left. Of course, she went crying to Dad. It didn’t help that I tried to get the loan suspended or moved for fraud earlier that day. Bad timing for everything, I guess.” I sighed.

The perfect storm.

“So, Dad’s mood was the worst it could be, and I had enough, too. That day, I decided to move out. I’m twenty-two years old; being a bum in the streets can't be hard. Well, it probably is, but it’s better than where I was living.” I paused, gazing at Finn.

“It didn’t help. I had voices in my head all day and a nasty headache that came and left. It felt like I was going crazy.” I mumbled, narrowing my eyes.

I should’ve left without my clothes, but I worked for it. It was mine, even if it had holes.

“Sadly, Dad got home before I did. He was out with his drinking buddies, and well, the alcohol-fueled rage was headed my way. I only wanted to get my phone, a few clothes, and bounce.” I bit onto my lip again.

“So, when I got home, Dad confronted me about my loan and brought up Evelyn’s situation. I told him I wouldn’t do anything for them. Then I tried to run to my room.” I glanced towards the wall.

Everything that happened next felt harder to say. I could even see him lying there with his…

You’re back…

“Before I could get there, he grabbed me by my hair…” I choked on my words.

However, I pushed forward even as tears stung my eyes.

“He slammed me into the wall and dragged me to the living room. There, he gave me the worst beating I’d ever had. But then he…” Once again, it felt like it wouldn’t flow.

Solas blocked my view from the wall before licking my nose.

“Dragged me into my room and threw me onto the bed. And…” I trailed off again, sitting up and covering my face with my hands.

My entire being was shaking, and my breathing was unstable, too. However, Finn leaned on me this time, resting his head on my shoulder. This jolted me out, and I dropped my hands on the sides. Memories were vividly playing in my head.

How will I ever…

“He… ripped my clothes. It hurt so much. Oh, my god… it felt like he ripped my skin too. He then yanked my pants down.” I paused again, trembling where I was.

“It’s okay to cry,” Finn whispered, grabbing my hand.

His voice was so soothing that I couldn’t hold them back. This entire time, his body gave off a light red aura, and so did Solas.

Tears welled up in my eyes before they trailed down my cheeks. “After that, he… took off my underwear, and I lost it.”

Right… I…

“Grabbing onto the first thing I found, I slammed it against his head. He fell, and I followed him, bashing his brains out.” I sobbed, trying to stay strong.

Even now, I still love him. And I don’t know why I do.

Before I knew it, Finn tugged me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me. “Sylvia…, it’s okay, sweetheart. You survived.” He whispered, leaving me grasping onto his shirt, incapable of stopping the tears.

A soft, broken laugh left me. “My mom gave me that name before she died.”

“It’s pretty.” He hummed, holding me close.

How can a monster…. Be you… No… you aren’t one. You’re…

“After that, I dressed myself up, texting everyone I knew that I needed help. No one responded to me, but I knew Evelyn would come home soon from the dinner.” I whimpered, holding onto his shirt.

This embrace was too warm. However, it couldn’t erase the image of me staring into the cracked mirror that reflected a bloodied and battered woman in its domain.

No one cared enough. No one ever does.

“Having nothing more to lose, I went up to the roof of our apartment building. No one in the building cared to stop me as I passed by, which made me wonder how many times they heard him beat me and said nothing.” I sniffled, trying to get back on track.

“Once on the roof, I sent a final text to Evelyn, telling her I was up there. I don’t think I even felt the pain of all he did to me. Perhaps the adrenaline kept it at bay. Though watching the city from the top made me feel tiny.” I confessed, wiping away my tears.

Solas whimpered, wanting me to scoop him, which I quickly did, allowing him to nest himself between us.

Why do I feel so empty inside?

“I thought my life was over by then, but I just couldn’t leap. Then Evelyn showed up not too long after that and fell with me, and now I have a demon who wants me as his wife.” I shook my head, tugging away from him.

However, the tears didn’t stop while Finn gave me a soft hum, allowing me to move away from his embrace and meet his gaze.

“If only that demon knew, he’d never get it. Probably then, he’ll kill me and finally put this miserable life out of her misery.” I announced, triggering Finn to push me onto the bed.

You aren’t a monster, but you want to use me all the same. I won’t give you anything you want; now you know why.