The Hodgepodge Shinobi: A Gacha-Gone-Wrong Adventure

I woke up in cold sweat, tangled in my sheets, heart pounding.

I'd dreamed about Tsunade.

Not in a fun way. In the way you dream about cliffs collapsing, or large bears whispering tax threats in Latin.

New Daily Objective: Do Not Encounter That Scary Blonde Woman Again.

Status: Immediately Failed

Because five minutes later, Arata-sensei showed up at my door, sipping tea like nothing was wrong.

"You have a mandatory checkup today," he said.

"I'm healthy," I lied.

He sipped louder.

"I'm fine!"

"Hospital. Now."

I entered the building like a condemned man walking toward the gallows.

The nurse at the front desk pointed me toward Room 3, smiling sweetly. "Tsunade-sama will be with you shortly."

I stopped walking.

"Wait. Tsunade? I—uh—maybe I should reschedule. I think I'm developing an allergy to blunt trauma."

"You mean anxiety?" she asked.

"No, I mean fists."

She smiled wider. "Room 3, dear."

Room 3 was sterile. White walls. One uncomfortable chair. One exam bed that creaked when I sat on it. A clipboard with my name on it and the very ominous phrase: "Subject: Unclassified chakra irregularity."

Then the door opened.

She walked in.

Still blonde. Still terrifying. Still radiating "punch first, heal later" energy.

"Ah," Tsunade said. "The child with the reverse-fragile skeleton."

I sat up straighter. "That was a joke! A very obvious joke! Reverse fragility isn't even a real—"

"Take off your shirt."

My soul left my body.

"W-what?"

"I need to examine your chakra network. Shirt off. Sit still."

I looked toward the window like I was calculating how much damage I'd take from a third-story jump.

Then I sighed, stripped down to my undershirt, and sat very, very still.

She pressed a hand to my back.

And then—

Warning: High-level chakra signature detected.

User is being scanned by Tsunade Senju.

Analyzing…

Analyzing…

Analyz—

A loud spark shot from my shoulder.

"Ow!"

She blinked. "What was that?"

"I don't know!"

Emergency Synapse Spark Triggered: Anxiety + Shame + Touch Aversion

Fusion Result: "Self-Concealing Chakra Flux" – Unstable Cloaking Response

Side Effect: Partial invisibility. Only works on your nervous system.

Meaning: You can't feel your limbs anymore.

"Oh gods, I can't feel my legs."

"That's not medically encouraging," Tsunade said flatly.

She pressed another hand to my chest. This time, her chakra pulsed deeper—like sonar.

"You're… weird," she muttered.

"Thanks?"

"No. I mean your chakra system is full of micro-glitches. Half your tenketsu are cross-wired. Your flow's like… if a drunk pigeon tried to draw a circuit diagram."

"That sounds… on brand."

She stepped back, arms crossed, studying me like a particularly confusing anatomy puzzle.

"Where did you say your clan was from again?"

I smiled.

Because lying had always worked out for me so far.

"I didn't."

She did not like that.

Suddenly, she reached down, grabbed my arm, and flicked a senbon into my leg in one smooth motion.

"YEEEOOOOWWWWWWW!!!"

"Reflex check," she said.

"That's not how reflex checks work!"

"I'm the medic. I decide how they work."

The door opened.

Shizune poked her head in, holding a clipboard. "Tsunade-sama, that Root guy's here again. The one with the weird hat."

"Ignore him."

"But he's licking the window."

"Tell him we're full of snakes."

"…Got it."

Tsunade turned back to me. "Listen, kid. I don't know what you are. But you've got chakra weirdness I haven't seen outside of Orochimaru's lab reports."

My soul evacuated again.

"You're saying I have snake-tier chakra?"

"I'm saying you're lucky you haven't exploded yet."

"Cool, cool. Very chill."

She sighed. "You're not dying. Yet. But your chakra system is unstable, untrained, and possibly alive."

"That tracks."

Then, softer: "We're going to monitor you. Regularly."

"Define 'regularly.'"

"Every week."

I made a sound that I can only describe as "existential gas leak."

"Or," she added, "I can knock you out and dissect you now."

"Weekly checkups it is!"

I stumbled out of the hospital like a haunted man.

Medical Evaluation Complete

Diagnosis: You're Still Alive, Somehow

Notes: Chakra system deeply stupid, borderline miraculous. Tsunade is watching you.

New Passive Trait Unlocked: Panic-Induced Pulse Shift – Makes your chakra unreadable when panicking.

Downside: You're always panicking.

I staggered back to the training field.

Ren looked up from her book. "You survived."

Jun looked disappointed. "She didn't punch you?"

"She scanned me with chakra sonar, called me a broken bird circuit, stabbed me, and signed me up for weekly trauma."

"Ah," Ren said. "The usual."

I lay face down in the dirt.

Forever, if possible.