The God Of Suffering

Leon (Inner): Finally it worked. Any more of figuring that shit out and I would've lost my damn mind. So many possibilities and I just somehow got it wrong every time for at least a few months. Ugghhhh I'm not even anywhere near close to the end. 

Leon lightly slaps his cheeks a few times to focus himself.

Leon (Inner): How many years will this take? How long until I become a ruthless demon, indiscernible from what I once was? A person. How would the old me react to the current me? I guess I'll find out in a few months or so. But it'll probably be a few years from my perspective. It's worth it. Think of the satisfaction you'll get when this all reaches its climax. It'll be so beautiful.

Suddenly, he's snapped back to reality with a simple light poke to his shoulder. His gaze shifts to his right, where Ashley is sitting.

Ashley: Hey, Leon?

Leon: Yo what's up? Sorry I was like… super zoned out.

Ashley: So how did you even manage to do all this stuff? Planning this concert and everything in just a day. It's really unbelievable. 

Leon: Oh yeah well… You know how important I am. I have a lot of influence in things, especially in the bad part. I can kinda do whatever I want.

Ashley: Really? Whatever you want? 

Leon: Yep! I'm just that cool. What can I say?

He shrugs in a boastful way, causing Ashley to let out a little laugh.

Ashley: Is that because of your power? 

Leon: It sure is. I would say most of it is me and my awesome charisma, but I'd be totally lying! I don't think I'd be in the position I am now without my power. Actually, I definitely wouldn't be.

Ashley: What kind of power is it? 

Leon: A cool one. You don't gotta worry about it. But yeah I'd probably be a boring dude without my power. Full time job, family, more boring stuff.

Ashley's engrossed expression shifts to sadness, but she tries to hide it. Her knees curl to her chest, and her arms wrap around them for comfort and support.

Ashley: Why do you think that's boring?

Leon: Family is stupid. Well I guess you and your parents are pretty cool, but not as a family. I like you guys as friends. I would never consider you guys my family. I don't have a family.

Ashley: You don't love anyone?

Leon: You know… There was one person I claimed to love back in the day. But I realize now that it wasn't real. I've only ever loved one person. Not romantically or sexually. I just… really wish I could see them again. And it hurts me every day to know that I'm the reason they aren't here anymore. 

Ashley lifts her chin from resting on her knees and looks at Leon with concern and curiosity.

Ashley: What do you mean?

Tears start to fill up Leon's eyes. Ashley cocks her head upon realizing that they aren't real.

Leon: She wanted to die, and she said if I couldn't convince her to live, then she'd take her own life. Long story short, I couldn't. I was too wrapped up in other shit. I was so focused on my fake love, that I neglected her desperate cries for help. I want to hug her and apologize… But I can't. 

The best lies have a little bit of the truth mixed in.

Leon: Love isn't real. At least in the moment. You don't realize how much you love something until it's gone. We may feel affection, or lust, or attraction, but that's not love. It's not exclusive to one thing, so it's everywhere. But even still, it's so hard to find that people give up and settle on something else, tricking their brain into thinking it's love. Ugh. Love, love, love. I should really think of some synonyms or something haha.

Leon (Inner): I should probably shut up before I delay myself even more. Eh, whatever. This wouldn't be too much of a time loss anyways.

Ashley curls up again, looking forward with a somber expression.

Ashley: So? Just because you messed up doesn't mean you're right.

She gets more frustrated as her eyes water. Her nails dig into her legs in irritation.

Ashley: I think that everyone deserves to feel loved. Especially you, Leon. You haven't done anything wrong. But please don't force your beliefs on me. 

His face is slightly bewildered, but it's soon wiped away by a smirk.

Leon: You love someone?

Ashley: No… I don't.

Leon: Then why are you complaining?

She grinds her teeth and looks away from him.

Ashley: Because that's just the issue. I want to love. I need it, Leon. Nothing feels real anymore. I need someone to anchor me back to life.

His eyes widen in a barely noticeable way. Ashley covers her face with her hands in embarrassment and flops over into the couch face first, her butt lifting in the air.

Ashley: You didn't hear that! I'm sorry! 

Leon: Hey dude, it's okay. It's awesome that you can share your feelings like that. Even if it was accidental. It means you trust me.

She doesn't respond. Leon sits in silence, allowing her a minute to reflect and calm down. 

Leon: Your parents are probably gonna wake up in a bit. Want me to make breakfast or anything? Or if you just wanna chill here, that's fine.

No response.

Leon: Alright. Chilling is chill. Hehe. I get where you're coming from though. Teenage emotions sure are all over the place. I promise you'll grow out of it at some point. You should really stop hiding though. I get that you're comfortable with me and your parents, but what about all those other people you lie to every day? 

She sits up slowly and looks at him in the corner of her eye.

Ashley: My fans?

Leon: No… Well yeah but not entirely. Everyone. The world. If you really wanna find love, you're not gonna find it by putting on a fake smile and wallowing in your room every day. You gotta get out there, girl. Meet new people. Find love yourself, instead of waiting for it to save you.

Ashley: Stop talking.

Leon: No dude. You gotta change this. I get that you're sad, but doing nothing about it isn't a solution. Just get out and do something.

Ashley: I know that already! But I can't!

Leon: No, you're just not trying.

Ashley: I AM TRYING! 

Leon: I… Yeah… Sorry.

Ashley: How about you comfort me instead of acting like your ignorant words are sent from the heavens! You're not god!

Leon: Okay, can you like calm down? I said I was sorry, dude.

Ashley: JUST SHUT UP!

She stands up off the couch and stomps to her room. Her outburst was enough to wake her parents up, who come out to see Leon on the couch.

Heather: Morning, Leon. Didn't expect you to be here so early. Everything okay, though? What was that all about?

Leon: I dunno. She was pretty sad, so I offered some of my wisdom, which she totally spat back at me and called me ignorant. She was just really rude out of nowhere. Probably on her period or something.

Both Cameron and Heather are filled with anger at Leon's words.

Cameron: You know you can be a huge dick sometimes, Leon. Don't make stupid assumptions about her like that. Maybe consider that you were being rude instead of her.

Leon: Yeah well that's just how I am. You already know that I mean well, even if it doesn't always come off like that.

Heather: No, Leon. That's not "just who you are". You really need to realize that the world doesn't revolve around you. We get that you care about her, but when someone else is hurting, the last thing you should be doing is comparing your ideas to how they feel. Guidance is important, but you have a habit of doing simple things like that wrong. I know you've been through a lot, but everyone is different. Your "easy" solution to an issue might be impossible for someone else.

Leon: Wow, way to shit on me when you weren't even here to fully know what we were talking about.

Heather: Yeah? Well, way to shit on our daughter when you don't even understand her.

Leon: Dude I even said sorry.

Cameron: Are you a child? We love you, Leon, but you're really testing our patience right now. Please leave.

Leon: Jeez alright fine. By the way, I finished setting things up for the concert. We even uploaded an announcement video. I can send you all the information if you want.

They don't respond. Leon groans silently as he closes the door behind him, stepping out into the cool morning air. 

Leon (Inner): Well shit. Might've messed up back there. Whatever. I got time. I'll just see how it goes.

Ashley's parents walk up to her bedroom door and knock quietly. Their voices are filled with worry.

Heather: Ashley? Sorry about that, honey. We told him off. I don't know why he was being a jerk, but I'm sure he'll realize his mistake soon enough and deliver a genuine apology. Do you want to come out?

Ashley: Please just… I want to be alone.

Cameron: Alright. We'll be out here when you're ready then. No rush.

They stay at the door for a few seconds, hoping for a response. When they aren't met with one, they walk to the kitchen to make breakfast and coffee as they wait for Ashley to come out.

Ashley (Inner): It's so easy isn't it? To just "get out there and find love". He doesn't understand. How can he? 

Ashley: It'll be okay. This concert will fix everything.

Ashley (Inner): No it won't.

Ashley: No one is able to predict the future. Maybe-

Ashley (Inner): But maybe isn't good enough, is it?

Ashley: I guess not.

Ashley (Inner): Are you gonna get up, or what?

Ashley: No. I kind of just want to lay here for a while. I need to cool off and relax. Plus, I don't have any plans for today. Even if I did, I don't have very much motivation to get it done.

Ashley (Inner): Bitch.

Ashley: What?

Ashley (Inner): You're just wasting your life like this. It may be nice to recharge now, but someday you'll have to do things you don't want to.

Ashley: No I can't. It's too scary.

Ashley (Inner): Bitch.

Ashley: Stop calling me that.

Ashley (Inner): Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch.

Ashley: Shut up.

Ashley (Inner): Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch.

She holds her hands up to her ears like it would help and curls up on her bed. The cushy mattress and the soft blanket start to feel heavy and painful. 

Ashley: I'm not. Stop it. Stop.

Ashley (Inner): Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch.

Ashley: I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! Stop it! Please!

Ashley (Inner): Worthless bitch. Your life will crash and burn in front of you if you don't do something. Stop living to chase a dream and instead live because you have to. Because you'll be filth on the side of the road if you don't. Silently praying that things will work out, like they always have. Or just kill yourself if that seems like too much. Either way, you're nothing but a pussy who cries for others, yet pushes yourself away like a little bitch.

Ashley: STOP! SHUT UP!

Her parents overhear her yelling and rush into her room.

Heather: Hey hey hey! Are you okay? What's going on?

She cries into her pillow, her hands still covering her ears as her legs kick outward.

Ashley: Fine! I am a bitch! Just leave me alone! I'm sorry! I can't!

Not a single word is spoken for the next ten minutes. Heather and Cameron sit on her bed and silently support her as she cries. They don't understand what's wrong, and it hurts that they can't help. Finally, her crying stops and her hands move away from her ears.

Cameron: Wanna go for a walk? It'll help clear your mind.

She nods and sits up. The moment she does though, Heather pulls her into a tight hug. Ashley doesn't react. Instead, she stares ahead with a dead face.

Ashley (Inner): Don't let them in. Push everything down. No one understands how you feel. You're alone. The concert is your only ticket out of this cycle of hell. So don't fuck it up. 

Heather: Ashley, we're here for you, okay? You don't have to, but we're always here to listen and help you.

Ashley (Inner): Yeah right.

Cameron: We know you're struggling, but it's not gonna get any better unless you let us help you. We love you. The last thing we want is to see you this way.

Ashley (Inner): You can't help. No one can help. Stop acting like you care. I'm not worth your time anyways. I'm a failure of a child. You wanted to have a happy family, and here I am, souring the mood. We're completely different. So don't act like you can help, let alone understand.

Ashley: Yeah. I'm sorry. Leon's words really got to me, that's all. I'm okay now. We can go on that walk if you guys want to.

Heather: Let's not think about him right now. I'm sure he didn't understand what he was saying. Whatever it was. And it's not about if we want to, it's if you want to.

Ashley: Yeah… I do want to. Let's go.

Heather lets go of her and stands up. She maintains eye contact with Ashley, to show that she cares.

Heather: Alright. Let's get going then. Just let us know if you want to go home at all though, okay?

Ashley: Sure.

Ashley (Inner): It's all a facade. This is how parents are supposed to act. They just don't want to be rude, so they pretend to care, when it's painfully obvious that they don't. 

The walk is slow and boring. Not a single long lasting memory is made. It's a useless waste of time, not even worthy of being called a distraction. Her parents remained quiet most of the time, to allow Ashley to relax on her own, without it feeling forced. This only leads to her thoughts becoming more self destructive. The whole time she wishes she were back home in her room. All alone. Safe. Cozy. Familiar. Alone. Seeing the sun is nice, but not when it burns your skin. There's always a right time to do something, and now was not that time. It only made her feel worse. 

Ashley (Inner): Look happy. They're trying to help. Even though it isn't working, you have to make it appear to. The sooner they think you're all better, the sooner you can be alone again. Otherwise this will just go on forever. A constant false image of love. 

Ashley (Inner): But I don't want to be alone.

Ashley (Inner): You don't want to be lonely. They're different.

Ashley (Inner): Okay. I'll try.

Ashley (Inner): Good girl.

Cameron: Are you starting to feel better? Your cute little smile is showing.

Ashley: Yeah I am. I really needed to do something like this. Something to lift my spirits since I have been feeling quite down lately. Thank you.

Heather: Awww you're welcome sweetie. I hate seeing you so upset. So please tell us when you start to feel down next time, okay? We don't want you to hide yourself and project an image of happiness. All that leads to is more hate and despair. There's always people here for you when you need it. Remember that.

Ashley: Of course. Thanks, Mom. I'll be sure to tell you how I'm feeling.

Cameron: Alright epic! Let's head home before my legs fall off.

Ashley chuckles at her dad's remark. Or at least she thinks she does. The whole world seems to be blurred and drowned out by her focus to appear happy. 

Home. Eat. Shower. Bed. It's annoying to do other things first, when all she wants to do is lay in bed and sleep or be on her phone. The food tastes bland, despite its flavor. The shower feels cold, despite its warmth. The world looks dull, despite its colors. Her bed feels comfortable, despite its loneliness underneath. 

Heather: Goodnight, sweetie. Sweet dreams.

Ashley: Night, mom.

Heather: Love you.

Heather closes the bedroom door, leaving Ashley in the dark.

Ashley (Inner): I should've said it back. I do love her. I keep telling myself that she doesn't actually love me. But that's not true, is it? If she didn't love me, it'd be obvious. The problem isn't that I'm not loved, it's that I don't feel loved. I'm just nitpicking. They try so hard to show how much they care, and here I am, not accepting it. I'm ungrateful for what I have. Constantly wanting what I don't. I am just a bitch. 

She turns her head and sees her phone, lying face down on the desk in her room. She gets up from her bed and picks it up, before sitting back down on the bed.

Ashley (Inner): I wonder how many people have seen the announcement video. I should read the comments too. Wow! A few thousand views already!? There's no way we can fit that many people at the concert. Actually I don't know how big the space will be, so maybe. Okay okay. What do the comments look like? 

She excitedly scrolls down to the comments and reads them.

Ashley (Inner): "Awesome! I can't wait to see your concert, Ash!" Awww that's nice. At least one person will be there, so that's cool. What else are people saying?

Her joyful expression falls as she reads a hateful comment.

Ashley (Inner): "You don't deserve anything like this. Just die already. That's what you damn monsters deserve anyways." Oh. "Wipe that smile off your face. That blush you have makes me want to throw up." I wish I could control my blush. I'm sorry. "Are you a kid? And you think you can succeed in life? Stop dreaming. You'll never amount to anything. Cancel this before someone shoots you on the stage. Or don't. I don't care. It might actually be better if you die during it." That's… What did I do? "Stop acting like you're worth anyone's time. The only thing you're worth is a good time. It's not fair that a monster like you can be so hot. You should give up on this bullshit and offer your body instead. Maybe then people would feel something that isn't hate towards you." Oh my god…

She puts the phone down and covers her mouth in disgust. Her breathing becomes rapid and sharp as her hand moves to cover her stomach. She feels dizzy and violated.

Ashley (Inner): How can someone say something like that about me? I'm sixteen, almost seventeen. It's disgusting. They can say such terrible things about me purely because I exist? I didn't choose to be this way. I haven't done anything wrong, yet I'm still treated this way? Why? Why? Why? Will I really be killed while on stage? I don't want to die. Not before I find a boyfriend. But… does that kind of love even exist… for someone like me? 

She nervously looks at the phone again, still feeling queasy as she does. 

Ashley (Inner): Just one more comment. Maybe it'll be a nice one. I need it to be a nice one. "I hope the only pleasure you ever feel in your life is the satisfaction of knowing that the world loses one more monster as you slit your throat. Get off my recommended." I can't… No. One more. Please. Something happy. Please. "Looking forward to it! My friends and I love your music and have been praying for a concert for ages! Thank you so much for doing this! We love you!" I… I love your comment. Thank you.

She places her phone back down on the desk and lays down on her bed, staring up to the ceiling with a disgusted, yet content expression. 

Ashley (Inner): I should've expected to see things like that. I am just a "monster" after all. But… can't I just live my damn life? Am I not allowed to be happy?