The God Of Suffering

Silence. Loneliness. Pressure. Love. Words that Ashley was too common with. When she's not making new videos, she's cooped up in her room, either wallowing in bed, or reading. None of these activities are things she enjoys. 

She's made music for years. Her channel is pretty popular, and a lot of people enjoy listening. She's given so much praise online, but in person, nothing. The only people that have ever congratulated her are her parents and the family friend. 

None of her friends have ever complimented her on anything. Because she's never had friends. Real ones. All of the people she thought actually liked her, ended up only pretending to care about her because they were fans. Nobody has ever liked her for who she is, only for her music. Yet she continues to fall in the cycle of trust, only to be disappointed. 

No one can understand her. Her parents are always supportive of her, and are great people in general, but it's not enough. There's always something deep in her stomach telling her "why are you smiling?". And then she stops. Her face still shows friendliness, but her mind wants to be alone. Then when she is alone, any motivation she has vanishes. It all loops back around to unknown sorrow and attempted happiness. 

However, she does have a way to escape from all her feelings. It involves her power. Ashley's power allows her to enhance one thing about her, whether it be physical, or mental. As examples, she can increase strength or intelligence. She can even enhance the five senses. When her power is activated, the scar below her right eye glows a very dark purple. She mostly uses this ability to increase her happiness or motivation. It's faint, but better than nothing. She has been trying to somehow make her power stronger, but it's difficult, and she doesn't even know how.

She lies in her bed, the light in her room turned off. Her dyed hair ends twirl around her finger as she faces the wall. Her phone vibrates with a message, but she doesn't open it. As she lets out a sigh, someone knocks on her door. She responds softly.

Ashley: What's up?

She hears the voice of her dad, Cameron on the other side of the door. He's a pretty tall dude with curly brown hair. He likes to wear somewhat fancy outfits even though his personality is anything but fancy. He has a crooked nose with wide, friendly eyes. Thankfully Ashley got most of her features from her mom, who is in between them in height, with long blonde hair that's parted on the top. Her eyes are smaller and her nose is more stubby. While Cameron has chubby cheeks, her mom, Heather, has a more defined face, leaving Ashley in the middle of that. Heather also likes to wear sweatpants and shirts that are just a little bit too small for her. Ashley usually wears a striped white shirt and black leggings.

Cameron: Is it okay if I come in?

Ashley: No… I'll just come out.

She rolls over on the bed and sits up. She messes with her hair a bit as she walks to the door, trying to make it look nice. As she opens the door, she squints a little bit at the light from the hallway. Her dad stands in front of the door.

Ashley: So what's going on?

Cameron: I dunno. 

He makes a cluelessly stupid face as he shrugs.

Ashley: Dude.

Cameron: Okay fine fine fine! We're gonna go out to dinner. Would you be so kind as to join us young lady?

Ashley: Yeah sure, why not. I don't have anything better to be doing anyways. 

Cameron: Alright welp, let's get going!

Ashley puts on her shoes and puts her phone in her pocket as she heads to the door. She can hear her mom speaking to someone on the couch a few feet to her right. Her eyes widen as she looks over, seeing who she's talking to.

Her face lights up as she runs over to the person sitting on the couch. He greets her with a wave as they hug.

Leon: Yo whaddup Ash-i-gator!?

Ashley: You're coming to dinner!?

Leon: For sure!

Heather: It's really wild how she still adores you, Leon.

Leon: I know right? Been like that since you were a little baby.

Ashley: R-really? I didn't know it was that long. 

Leon and her parents are the only people she feels comfortable speaking normally with. She feels too embarrassed to talk with anyone else, especially since she knows how bad she is at discerning real people to fake.

Cameron: Alright come on fellas! We gotta get going!

They begin walking to the restaurant. There's only a few in the bad part, but they aren't too bad. They're pretty small, and the food isn't the best. But they're grateful for them anyway. Most people can't afford to eat at restaurants, so they work off their meals instead. Thankfully, Ashley and her parents have relatively stable lives. Plus being close to Leon has major advantages in the economic department. As they walk, Ashley tries to hide herself from the world. She looks down most of the time.

As they get to the restaurant, Ashley begins to look more comfortable. She always feels happy when she's around Leon, but doesn't know why. 

Ashley (Inner): Maybe it's just because he's always been there for me. I wouldn't be where I am without him. He's the one who got me into making music after all. 

The waiter comes up to the table and takes their orders. Ashley whispers what she wants to Leon, who relays the information. All of the adults order alcoholic drinks, while Ashley just gets water, for obvious reasons.

Leon: Wow, I really just can't believe Ashley is turning seventeen in a few weeks. 

Heather: I know, right? She's all grown up now.

She blushes but stays silent, letting the adults carry the conversation. She pulls her phone out of her pocket to keep herself occupied. Leon notices and quickly snatches it from her.

Ashley: Hey… Can I have it back? Please?

Leon: Nah man. You gotta talk with us. It's not everyday you go out to dinner like this. Gotta make the most of it.

Ashley: Oh… Alright.

She slumps in her chair, looking disappointed. Eventually the waiter returns with their drinks. Leon leans over to whisper in her ear.

Leon: Wanna do something super cool?

Ashley: Like what?

Leon: I'll let you have some of this, but only while your parents aren't looking. Deal?

Ashley: Really? 

Leon: Yeah man. It'll be awesome.

She looks away nervously and scratches her arm. It's a comforting action for her in times where she feels nervous or scared.

Ashley: I mean… I guess that would be cool. But I probably shouldn't. That's illegal, right?

Leon: Psshhh. Who gives a fart? Have some fun dude. Stop being so down in the dumps all the time.

Ashley: Well… I'll try it.

Leon waits for Cameron and Heather to talk to each other individually before sneakily handing his glass to Ashley.

Ashley: What's in here?

Leon: Don't worry about that. Just try it.

She hesitantly raises the glass to her lips. She closes her eyes as she drinks it. It's gross, but she kind of likes it. Her body relaxes as she continues to drink. Cameron glances over and notices this. He quickly snatches the glass from her hands, most of the remaining liquid spilling over her. She looks down at herself in disgust.

Heather: Ashley, were you drinking this?

She looks away and blushes. She hates how easily she blushes. It makes her feel weak.

Leon: Yeah I let her have some. I thought it'd be funny. Didn't expect her to like drink the whole thing though. 

Cameron: It's probably fine. You should definitely clean yourself up though.

She nods softly and gets up to go to the bathroom, looking embarrassed the whole time. 

Leon turns to Cameron and Heather after she vanishes into the bathroom.

Leon: Okay guys. I got a crazy idea.

Cameron: Love crazy ideas. What is it?

Leon: I was thinking we could do a concert for Ashley. Her fans would love to see her in person, don't you think.

Heather: Hmm… I don't know. She's still young and not exactly the most capable person to be doing something like this. You know how shy she gets in front of other people. I just don't want her to end up hating music after messing up on stage. Plus that's a lot of effort and planning involved.

Leon: I figured you'd say stuff like that, so don't worry. I got all the planning covered. Plus, she can always use her power to increase her confidence, you know?

Heather: I still don't know, Leon.

Cameron gets up from his seat and walks behind Leon, putting his hands on his shoulders. He closes his eyes and smiles.

Cameron: Well I get a vote too, and I think this is a wonderful idea. Ashley really needs to get out of the house more often, and this is a great way for her to break out of her shell.

Heather: I suppose you're right about that. Well if you think it's good for her, then I'll support it. But you gotta handle all the planning. And I mean all of it.

She points to Leon who comedically bows as he speaks.

Leon: It shall be done madam.

Heather: Goofball.

They all chuckle as Cameron sits back down. Their conversation continues. Meanwhile, Ashley stares at herself in the bathroom mirror. Her skin is pale. 

After a minute or two, she turns on the faucet and wets her hands so she can attempt to clean off the alcohol on her clothes. She scrubs as hard as she can, but it doesn't seem to come out. She smells like an alcoholic. Her stomach turns, her eyes water, and her movements become more furious. 

Ashley (Inner): This smell is making me sick.

She stops and clutches her stomach. Her head feels dizzy. She tries to move but it only gets worse. Suddenly, she hunches over and pukes into the sink. The alcohol she drank drains from her stomach as she hurls. It only lasts for a few seconds, but it feels disgustingly agonizing.

After it's over, she stares at it in disgust. It's revolting to look at. Her hand turns on the faucet. She wipes her mouth with a paper towel as the chunky liquid goes down the drain. But the smell lingers. She quickly walks out of the bathroom and back to the table. Everyone looks at her with a smile as she sits down.

Ashley: What's going on?

Heather: Ashley, how would you feel about doing a concert?

Ashley: What? A concert? I mean…

Her fingernails scratch against her arm as she thinks about it.

Ashley: I guess that would be fun. Maybe. I-I don't know. If you guys want me to do it, then I will.

Leon: Awesome! I'll set everything up, then we can make an announcement video on your channel. Sound like a plan?

He winks and shoots a finger gun at Ashley as he stands up. She looks up at him nervously.

Ashley: Yeah… Sounds like a plan.

He pats her on the back and slams money on the table. It's the currency that was created for the bad part.

Leon: Awesome sauce! I gotta go guys, but this should cover the food.

Ashley: Wait… You're leaving? Already?

Leon: Sorry dude. But I am quite a busy person. 

Ashley: Oh… Okay. Bye then.

Heather: See you, Leon! Thanks for coming out!

Cameron: Yeah catch ya later, dude. Nice seeing you.

Leon: Absolutely. You guys have fun. See ya!

Ashley stares at him as he walks off. Her eyes linger on the door long after he leaves. She continues to scratch at her arm. It's pretty red at this point. Her parents always tell her she needs to stop doing that before she really hurts herself, but she doesn't. Even when she tries to stop, it happens unconsciously. 

Cameron: So Ashley.

She quickly snaps back into reality, turning her head and looking at her dad with a curious look.

Cameron: Have you gotten a boyfriend yet?

She stops scratching, instead she digs her nails into her arm. Her breath gets caught in her throat along with her words. Her body somehow feels like it's turned to slush at the reminder of her loneliness. She struggles to laugh it off, choking a bit on it. She shakes her head as she does.

Ashley: No. I haven't yet. But you'd probably know if I did. I don't really leave the house much, let alone my room. So it'd be fairly obvious if something was up.

Her mom slaps Cameron on the shoulder a few times. Not hard, just to show that she has something to say.

Heather: Maybe you'll fall in love at the concert!

Her eyes light up a little. Suddenly it seems like a good idea, and not just something she agreed to do out of peer pressure. Her hand lowers from her arm as she sits up, looking a little excited. She's genuinely smiling as she speaks.

Ashley: Yeah. I sure hope so.

Cameron: Yeah you better. You gotta carry on the Falinx family bloodline.

Her hopeful expression fades. She stares off into space, looking empty. Her hand slowly rises up to scratch her arm again. Heather slaps Cameron on the arm lightly, as if to say "nice going". He has a regretful look on his face.

As food arrives, they begin to eat in an awkward silence. Ashley is slow, too focused on whatever is going through her head to enjoy the food to the fullest. Most of her appetite vanished after throwing up, so that isn't helping either.

After around an hour, they leave. Ashley barely ate any of her food. Despite their worries, her parents don't mention it. They just walk home in silence. Ashley looks up, seeing the warm waves of the orange clouds as the sun sets. 

Ashley (Inner): It's beautiful. I want that glow. 

The familiar and comforting scent of her home washes over her as she opens the door and steps inside. She kicks off her shoes and hurries to her room. The wooden dresser creaks as it opens. Her hand shuffles around, looking for a good shirt. 

Ashley (Inner): Well I can always just wear another striped one. I really like how they look on me, and I have a fair amount of them.

She smiles as she pulls out a shirt almost identical to the one she's wearing. The other drawers open as she picks out a full outfit, but she chooses pajamas for the pants. Afterwards, she takes her mini pile of clothes and takes it to the bathroom with her.

Heather: You gonna take a shower?

Ashley: Mhm. I'd really like to get the smell of alcohol off of me. It's really nasty. I ended up puking in the sink back there. Lost my whole appetite.

Her mom frowns and pulls her into a warm hug to make her feel better. Heather's hand caresses her hair in a consoling way. It does work in making her feel better. She accepts the hug for a few seconds, before pulling away.

Ashley: Alright well, could you please get out now? I want to take a shower now.

Heather: Oh of course. Don't take too long, okay? Get that funky smell off ya, girl!

Ashley giggles slightly as her mom exits the bathroom, closing the door gently on her way out. As she showers, she starts to think about how the concert might go.

Ashley (Inner): Maybe it'll be fun. It would absolutely be nice if I were to meet someone there. But I'll probably mess it up somehow. I'll mess up on stage, or be really awkward. I'll probably trip or stutter or my voice will crack. So many things could go wrong.

She realizes how red her arm is from scratching it. Her face shifts to an embarrassed expression. She looks down and slowly wraps her arms around herself. The water bounces off her head and trickles down her body. It's warm. It eases her mind, as she begins to think more positively. 

Ashley (Inner): But… What if nothing goes wrong? I could be perfect. Everyone would love me. And then… Just maybe… I could meet someone. That'd be wonderful.

She smiles and blushes as her self-embrace tightens.

Ashley (Inner): Stop. Stop blushing. It makes you look delicate. Like a little girl. 

She leans against the wall. It's cold at first, but she quickly gets used to it.

Ashley (Inner): I don't want to be viewed that way. What I want is to be strong for myself. I've resorted to reliance on others my whole life. I can't depend on someone to make me happy. 

The water starts to turn cold. She instantly starts to wash herself, continuing her train of thought as she does.

Ashley (Inner): Why can't I? Doesn't it make me feel safe? Or does it make me feel the opposite? Do I depend on finding love for the sole reason that it would make me happy? Would anyone do? Will I even know if I'm choosing the right person? What… What does love even feel like?

The water only gets colder. Her movements are rapid as she tries to scrub out the smell of alcohol. The moment she finishes, her hand shoots to the shower handle to turn it off. She continues to stand there for a few more minutes, letting the water drip off of her as she gets her body used to the feeling of the cold air in the bathroom. 

She pulls the curtains and hesitantly steps out of the shower and onto the towel she laid out for herself earlier. She crouches down to grab a fresh towel from the cupboard under the sink and wraps it around herself. The fog in the mirror is slow to fade. Her figure comes into view as it does. She stares at herself as the image becomes clearer. 

Ashley (Inner): Am I beautiful? Would I even be desirable to someone who had no knowledge of my music? Or am I just going to be surrounded by screaming shells of fake love forever?

She begins to dry her hair off and brush it. Her eyes never leave her reflection in the mirror. Even as she puts her clothes on, all she cares to see is herself. Her frown only deepens as her thoughts continue.

Ashley (Inner): Are you okay?

Ashley: Yeah.

She quickly walks to her room and flops onto her bed, not caring to say goodnight to her parents. By the time they notice that she's in her room, she has already fallen asleep. Heather peeks through her door and smiles at the sight of her sleeping face. Her face is smushed cutely against the pillow as she lays on her stomach. It seems like all of her worries fade away with her soft snores. Heather gently closes the door, careful to not make a sound, and tiptoes back to the living room where she meets Cameron sitting on the couch.

Their house isn't the biggest. It's like an apartment, but on its own. As you walk in, you're instantly greeted with the living room, which only has enough room for a couch, a tv, and a table in between them. The couch is on the left from the front door. Straight ahead of the front door is another door which leads to the kitchen, which isn't special either. It's the same length as the living room, but the width is a lot smaller. It's difficult for two people to get around in there. If you were to walk forward and to the right from entering, you would be greeted with another hallway, which has three bedrooms and a bathroom, as well as another door which leads to the basement, and a back door to the backyard. Since no one really has cars in the bad part, save for a select few, there's no need for a driveway. Despite this cramped space, the backyard is quite big. At least twice the size of the house itself. There's a fire pit with lawn chairs, and the rest is open space. 

Heather: She's passed out.

Cameron: Is it super adorable to the max?

She chuckles, but tries to keep it quiet.

Heather: It was absolutely adorable to the max.

Cameron: Awesome sauce one hundred percent.

Heather: You're so silly.

Ashley is awoken in the morning not by the sunlight, but by the sound of the front door being closed. Her eyes slowly open as she groans silently. She stretches her body while still laying down, before sitting up and rubbing her eyes. She groggily walks out of her room to see Leon taking off his shoes at the front door. His black hoodie is zipped up, which is really unusual for him to do. For as long as Ashley can remember, he's kept it unzipped.

Ashley: Leon? Why are you here this early?

Leon: Oh hey Ash hey I gotta talk to you.

He kicks off his shoe and starts walking over to her.

Ashley: Could it wait until I get ready for the day? 

Leon: Well I mean… I guess. But that's gonna take forever man. I really gotta talk to you!

Ashley: Is it really that important? 

He shakes his head aggressively. She sighs in response.

Ashley: Well alright. What is it?

Leon: Okay okay okay! So I figured everything out for the concert! It's all set! We just gotta make a video of you announcing it so people will know.

Ashley: Hold on really? Already? That was pretty fast.

Leon: Yeah yeah okay! I'll wait for you to get ready to do it. 

Ashley: Alright.

Her spirits slowly start to lift with excitement as she brushes her teeth and fixes her hair.

Ashley (Inner): This will be wonderful! Maybe everything will finally turn around after this! So many people are sure to show up to the concert! 

She finishes up quickly and runs out into the living room. She jumps in excitement despite her parents still being asleep.

Leon: Woah! Someone's excited.

Ashley: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Let's do this!

He puts his hand in his hoodie pocket and pulls out a folded up piece of paper, which he quickly unfolds and hands to her.

Leon: Alright so this is basically all the information you have to relay on the video. It doesn't matter how you say it, as long as you get all the information out there. I'll give you a few minutes to look it over, and I can always hold it up for you to read off of while I'm recording if that's something you need to do. Also where's your phone? We're gonna need it to record since it'd be easy to upload the video straight to your channel.

Her eyes quickly scan over the paper as she reads everything.

Ashley: Hm? Oh yeah. Sorry, I left my phone in my room, but I can go get it real quick.

He gives her a thumbs up as she begins walking to her room. She folded the paper up and shoved it into her pocket.

Leon: Awesome. 

Ashley: This is so nice. I feel so good! It's weird. It feels like I've started to feel better the moment Leon came in. Well I suppose it could just be that I had a good night's sleep, but even then, I shouldn't be feeling this good. 

Ashley grabbed her phone from the desk in her room and rushes back to Leon. They begin recording the video and Ashley feels intense embarrassment mixed with excitement at the idea of people seeing her like this. Once they finish recording, they watch the video over to check for any mistakes.

Leon: Wow. Good job dude! Did it in one take! Hell yeah!

He holds out his hand for a high five which Ashley slaps without hesitation.

Ashley: I feel so good! So energized! So excited! This concert is gonna change my life!