The God Of Suffering

The streets are almost empty, as most people have fled to evacuation shelters until the threat of whatever created the giant hole is taken care of. The only people that Dean and Lexi see during their walk are panicked, trying to figure out what to do, or where to go. Dean feels bad for them. A voice in his head constantly shames and blames him for everything, like a dark shadow behind him, whispering self destruction into his ear. It's cold. Painful. 

Dean (Inner): So many people died because of me. People like me, who just wanted to keep living their normal lives. Their hopes. Their love. Their everything. All of it was stripped away in an instant. And why? All because I got a damn tooth pulled and was scared of dying. They didn't even have a chance to be scared. To understand the overpowering force that was about to shoot them to the afterlife. I did that. Me. No matter how much I try to make up for it, it won't be enough. 

His hands fidget with the edges of his sleeves, an action he does in a hope to calm him or bring comfort, but only makes him more tense. The world seems blurry as he walks. He has a headache that only gets worse with the impact of his feet hitting the ground with each step, and the slight swaying of his body as he walks. This isn't helped at all when Lexi puts her arm in front of him to keep him from moving forward, and whispers into his ear.

Lexi: I see it, dude. The entrance to the train station thingy. And it looks like the train is there too. But there's like a ton of military dudes, and like a line of people trying to get in. They must be going person by person to find you. 

The sound shoots through his head like a bullet. He crouches down and rubs his eyes.

Dean (Inner): I deserve this pain for what I've done. Even if it's too much. It hurts so bad from carrying the weight of my actions. I should have died. The only reason I'm still here is because Lexi saved me. I mean… I don't think I could actually go through with killing myself, but I don't know. I wasn't thinking straight at all yesterday.

Lexi looks down at Dean with concern. She crouches down to his level and rubs her hand across his back in a soothing way. 

Lexi: You okay?

Another bullet to the head.

Dean (Inner): Just deal with the pain. You've felt worse.

Dean: No, not really. My head is like splitting open. It hurts really bad.

Lexi: Did you not drink enough water?

Dean: Maybe? I don't know. I've just been thinking about everything, and it just hurts. I guess it's stress? Anger? Hopelessness?

He leans back a little so his butt touches the ground before curling up. Lexi also sits down, but with her legs crossed. She twirls her shoelaces around her finger as she sits there silently. 

Lexi (Inner): Just be here.

Lexi: It's okay to not know. Feeling this way is perfectly normal. No one can understand themselves completely. And I don't expect you to just "move on" or "brush it off". What I do expect however is for you to keep moving. Not right now though. We can sit here. I'll be here sitting with you until you're ready.

Dean (Inner): Is this really Lexi? Her usual "cool class clown dude" demeanor is gone. She's giving off the vibes of a mother again. It's comforting. It's like she knows exactly how to comfort people. Like she really cares.

He hesitantly scoots closer to Lexi and rests his head on her shoulder. Lexi freezes at the gesture for a second, but eventually relaxes and puts her head on his.

Lexi: Just let me know when you're ready. You don't have to face the world if you're not. I'll protect you.

Dean: Thanks.

It's a serene experience for the both of them. Like the whole world melts away along with their troubles, leaving just this tender moment between friends. Minutes pass undisturbed without realizing. Time continues to flow outside of their bubble which neither wants to leave. 

Dean: How are we gonna deal with those military people?

Lexi: I have an idea… but it does depend on you a lot. Sorry.

Dean: Is it where I portal us onto the train?

Lexi: Yeah…

He sighs and stands up. Lexi stays seated.

Lexi: Are you sure you're ready?

Dean: I'm not sure. Probably not. But I have to try.

She stands up and walks in front of him.

Lexi: What if you can't? 

Dean: Then I try again.

Dean has a determined, yet calm look on his face. Lexi steps back a little, surprised at Dean's shift in attitude from a few minutes ago.

Dean: Let's just do this. 

He closes his eyes as his hands form into fists at his sides. A heavy breath escapes his mouth as his leg starts to bounce. Lexi puts a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Lexi: You don't have to do this right now if you aren't ready, dude. There's no rush.

Dean: I know that. I just wanna try. I have to.

Her hand lingers on his shoulder for a few more seconds before she acceptingly pulls it away. 

Lexi (Inner): Must be nice. I don't think he realizes how nice a comforting touch can be. I'd kill for someone to be there and hug me during a dark time. Oh well. Different circumstances I guess. I should be happy that he doesn't feel touch starved at least. 

Dean (Inner): Okay… How do I do this? Visualize the inside of the train station. Okay… Me and Lexi will die if I don't open a portal right now. Think of that! Visualize that too!

Lexi: Dean? You good dude? You're shaking.

Blood. The image of Lexi's dead body with a bullet hole through her head lingers in his mind long enough to make him feel sick. The blood seeping out of her head in little spurts pools to his feet as he's forced to watch in terror. It's terrifying. 

He holds his stomach and stumbles over his feet. The dizziness and nausea from his own imagination almost make him fall, but he maintains his balance once his feet are planted to the ground. 

Dean (Inner): More. Feel her blood. Smell it. Her brains splattered across the floor as her doll-like eyes pleadingly stare up at me, asking why I didn't save her. Why I had to drag her into my own problems. Be a part of my awful story. Why? For shock value? Is she even important to me? Of course. I don't want her to die. She saved me. I don't care how much more I suffer. I deserve it. I will do whatever it takes to make up for the hell I've caused. And that starts with saving Lexi. Right now. Blood. Tears. Life.

Lexi: Dean?

The world dances along with the unbearable spinning of his stomach. His body and will fight off the urge to spit in a constant battle between the body and mind. He can't even scream. His mind is too flooded with thoughts and feelings to even consider screaming. He doesn't even know if he would hear it if he did.

Dean: It hurts…

His shaking becomes worse as his balance fails again. His own arms wrap around himself for comfort, although the overwhelming swirl of emotions is more than enough to completely drown it out. His eyes flutter in an unorganized panic. The constant flashing lights only enhance his unease and hurt. The world has lost all smell. All sound. All that remains is the pain pulsing through his veins, and the vivid image of a deceased beacon. 

Lexi: H-hey… Dean?

Eventually his legs give out, and he begins to fall backward. Lexi's eyes widen and she acts of pure instinct, rushing forward and extending her arms in a hope to catch Dean. Her arms make contact with his back as he falls, but his momentum alone pushes past them as he continues to plummet. Lexi winces at the slight bending in her arms, but she doesn't pull back. Instead, she drops to her knees on the cold rough concrete and hovers above Dean.

Thankfully he didn't hit his head, but to him, it feels like he did. His eyes stop fluttering just long enough to see a pretty face, backlit by the even more beautiful sun. 

Lexi smiles down at him and lifts him up into an embrace. Her arms are carefully wrapped around his chest, with just enough pressure to keep him up, but not cause him to panic any more. Lexi turns her head and calmly rests it on his. The back of his body is firmly pulled into her front, like Lexi is cuddling with her favorite large stuffed animal. 

Her voice is quietly relaxed, giving off the impression that she's calm, when her racing heartbeat tells a different story.

Lexi: It's okay buddy. Just relax, okay? I got you.

The world began returning to its normal state. He could hear Lexi's soothing voice. He could feel her warm embrace instead of pain. He can smell the cool wind passing by, and the smell of Lexi's hoodie. He could feel warm tears drip down his face, and a slight tingle in his chest, that he assumes was probably there for a while. 

As his eyes adjust to the world again, he quickly notices the extent of his mind and power. Several buildings and structures like signs and even the ground, have missing chunks. Circles of varying sizes litter the street like polka dots. 

Dean: Did I…?

Lexi: Shhhhhh. Don't focus on that. It's okay.

Dean (Inner): At least it wasn't a person. I hope.

The glow on his chest starts to fade. He shifts slightly in an uncomfortable panic. Lexi's arms squeeze just a little bit tighter to remind him that he's safe, and doesn't need to worry right now.

Lexi: Stop. Just be here. Please just let me help you relax, man.

Dean (Inner): Okay… Right… Relax. 

Both of their heartbeats began to slow. Dean's tears stopped falling and his breathing evened out. Lexi loosens her hold on him, but still has him firmly held.

Dean (Inner): That was out of control. My emotions were super high but… Actually they were probably TOO high. Look at this. So many portals I opened without realizing it. I could've…

His eyes squeeze shut in both fear and relief. Upon noticing this reaction, Lexi's once loosened embrace tightens again in a protective manner. 

Dean (Inner): I could've killed Lexi. I need to be more careful. I need to limit how far my imagination goes. If my emotions spill over the limit, then…

His gaze shifts in the general direction of the hole. Although he can't see it from here, the sheer presence of it alone is enough to send a chill down his spine. 

Dean (Inner): …That could happen again. If I want to get a good grasp on my power, and make a real positive difference in this world, then I need to figure out the perfect amount of emotion I should feel to use my power, without losing control of it. I guess I shouldn't complain about not having to experience what I just went through everytime I use my power. But this revelation does make the process just a little more frustrating. Now it feels like I have to practice even more than I would have before. Sure, I have time. But that's sure to take some sort of toll on me. I mean seriously, constantly having to balance negative and positive emotions isn't gonna be easy. 

Although he doesn't realize it, his body language gives off a feeling of confusion and frustration. Lexi is only able to pick up on the frustration part. This is made easier by Dean's body tensing up slightly, and his heart rate increasing just a little.

Dean (Inner): Earlier when I used my power, I used the same strategy of thinking of a super duper traumatic event that could happen despite being very implausible, and it worked out fine. I was still level headed enough to only open one portal to my desired location. This time however, I opened tons of portals that all led to who knows where, since I was too caught up in fear and pain to properly visualize where I wanted anything to end up. So it probably all went to space. Or maybe…

Dean: Lexi, let go.

Although her grip doesn't loosen, her head lifts up in curiosity. She looks down at Dean, who simultaneously looks up. She doesn't sense any fear or sadness coming from his voice or body. In fact she can't tell what he's feeling at all. With this, she decides to make her response a little sarcastic in an attempt to lighten the mood a bit.

Lexi: Why? What's up? My hugs not good enough for ya? Ya big ol' jerk!

His voice is a little strained from the angle of his head. This combined with his lisp that he hasn't gotten used to yet makes it a little hard for Lexi to understand what he's saying. She still is able to clearly make it out, but it is a little difficult. Kind of like someone lowering their voice in conversation. You can still hear them just fine, but it is a little harder compared to their volume from earlier.

Dean: I just gotta check something real quick. Please let me go.

Lexi: Ugh! Fiiiinnneeee!

She rolls her eyes and pouts before releasing Dean from her tight embrace. Her movements are clearly overdramatic. Dean however, doesn't acknowledge or care about her attempt. The only thing he's focused on is seeing the line of people and military outside of the train station. 

Lexi (Inner): Maybe this wasn't the best time to lighten the mood? He looks pretty serious. Jeez actually who am I even kidding dude? Like that was absolutely not the time to lighten the mood at all! I only gave him what, like three or four minutes to calm down before going all jokey!? I gotta learn to read people better, holy cow. 

A large cloud blocks out the sun, making the sky gray and depressing. All the spring warmth is taken away as a strong, hauntingly cold wind shoots by.

Dean turns to see the train station. He lets out a sigh of relief upon seeing that the train is still there, loading passengers. He does get a little nervous however, since he doesn't know how much longer it'll be there for, or when it'll come back once it leaves. The next thing he sees though makes him put a hand up to his mouth and take a few steps back in shock.

Dean: No… I… Why? Oh god…

Lexi, noticing Dean's panicked state, immediately gets off the ground and rushes over to him. She stands in front of him and puts her hands on his shoulders, forcing him to look at her and not whatever he saw earlier.

Lexi: Look at me dude. It's okay. Whatever happened-

Dean: Look.

Lexi: No I'm not gonna look. My job here is to keep you safe. I don't want to see my friend hurting. So I am absolutely under no circumstances whatsoever looking behind me.

Dean drops to his knees and lays his head on the floor, right in front of Lexi's feet. She takes a quick step back, but soon moves forward and crouches down, running a hand through his messy hair.

Dean's voice is shaky. Full of fear, hate, uncertainty, and disgust. A whirlwind of awful emotions. Despite Lexi's determination to face forward and comfort Dean, her curiosity begins eating at her at a rapidly increasing rate.

Lexi (Inner): Don't turn around. Don't turn around. He needs you here so don't turn around. Don't you dare. 

Dean: I-I-I… Why? What did I do? I'm sorry. I c-... I can't do this. All I do is mess up. I'm never gonna learn to control my power. I'm just destined to cause suffering for both myself, and the world around me. I'm an unstable killer walking free. I am a monster.

Lexi doesn't respond. She hears his words and understands what he's saying, but she doesn't comprehend it. Her mind is too split between turning around or not. Her racing thoughts prevent her from comforting Dean any further than she already is.

Lexi (Inner): Maybe it's best if I do turn around. Then I would know how to properly comfort him.

She bites her lip and pivots her body to look at what Dean saw. There, in front of the train station, is the missing chunks from the buildings and the ground are scattered about. Underneath them is a stew of red liquid with pink and purple ingredients. The remaining people are flailing around like a group of flies when someone gets too close. They're scared and confused.

Lexi has relatively the same reaction that Dean does. She puts her hand over her mouth and takes a few steps back. She quickly whips around to face Dean who is now sitting up on his knees, staring into space with a neutrally shocked dead face. He's pale. A faint blue glow illuminates onto his neck and jaw. It looks like there's simultaneously nothing going through his mind, as well as all of his fears, insecurities, and other painful thoughts racing through his head. It's hard to tell exactly what he's thinking with his emotionless wide eyes. All that's clear is that he is far from okay.

Lexi: Oh dude… I… Oh my…

She fidgets with her whole body for a few seconds, trying to figure out what to do. It's obvious that she should just hug him, but in a situation like this, that doesn't even seem like enough. In such a tragic situation, what can you possibly do to comfort someone? Someone who has been through so much devastation in such a short time deserves more than a simple hug.

Lexi (Inner): How did I even comfort him when we first met!? That situation was totally a whole lot worse than this is! 

She slowly reaches out her hand but pulls it back in soon after.

Lexi: D-Dean?

His expressionless eyes spin to her. A little drop of drool slides out of his slightly dropped jaw. His eyelids twitch as his gaze continues to be focused on her.

Lexi (Inner): His face… It's honestly freaking me out. I can't understand it. It's like I'm looking at a dead guy. But he's alive. I think. Just because someone is alive, doesn't mean they aren't dead. It's clear as day that he's suffering on the inside, but on the outside, he looks like he hasn't slept in days. 

He blinks. When his eyes open, he's back to staring into space. Lexi is slightly on his right, so his gaze is just past her left hip. She continues to stand there, completely unsure of what to do. 

Dean: Mom?

His voice is almost silent. Lexi could barely hear it over her own racing thoughts. Her eyes instantly darted over to him and widened. She wanted to speak, but nothing would come out of her mouth except a small noise of confusion.

Dean: Heh heh…

Another strong wind shoots by them with a terrifying whistle as a small smile forms on Dean's face for a half a second. His hair and hood whip in the wind. His eyes start to water and turn red as prickly pieces of hair stab him in the eyes from the wind. But he holds it in. He doesn't allow himself to cry. Lexi watches in confusion and heartbreak at the sight.

He stands up and begins slowly trudging forward. His movements are unsteady, like it's his first time walking. It looks like he'll fall at any moment. Lexi's head snaps over to the side when she hears the sound of the train leaving. She grabs Dean by the sleeve, to which he stops walking and slowly turns his head to face him. Lexi notices that he's slouched more than usual. They both stare at each other in silence. Lexi's eyes show heartache, while Dean's eyes show nothing. Not even light. It truly looks like he's a walking corpse. But Lexi doesn't pay attention to that. She looks deeper into him.

Lexi (Inner): What could he possibly be thinking?

Lexi: Dean? The train's already gone. I'm not about to let you walk there in this condition. And I'm definitely not letting you try to use a portal. We're gonna stay right here. I have literally no clue how I'm supposed to comfort you here, but I'm going to try.

His eyes flash the tiniest amount of annoyance. It's so faint and quick that you'd miss it completely if you weren't paying as much attention as Lexi was. Her mind is put slightly at ease at this, and she lets out a deep breath that she had been holding even while speaking. But despite this, her grip on his sleeve tightens. She doesn't know why. Her body acted on its own.

An uncomfortable feeling in her stomach quickly overwhelms her as her feet lose contact with the ground. Her mind races with fear as she tries to figure out what's happening. Her eyes are still glued to Dean's, who is now entranced with the floor. She blinks and looks down to see a portal beneath them. Below it is the moving floor of the train.

They both fall over by the time they get to the ground since they aren't used to the movement of the train yet. As the portal closes, the glow on Dean's chest fades away. Lexi frantically jumps to her feet and catches her breath, still not used to the feeling of going through portals. Dean however, remains on the floor. His breathing is calm and his eyes are closed. 

Lexi: Dean? Did you pass out?

No response. Lexi spins her head from side to side, scanning her surroundings. There aren't many people in this train car. Maybe around four. Two of them are men who aren't there together. In fact they're on opposite sides of the car. The first man in front of Lexi looks to be in his late forties. He looks tired and is barely keeping his eyes open. The other man looks to be a young adult. He's staring curiously at the scene, but not wanting to get involved. The other two are a mother, who looks to be in her mid to late twenties, holding a small boy in her lap who seems to be around two. The mother and her presumed child are right next to Lexi and Dean. 

Lexi (Inner): That guy in front of me definitely isn't gonna help. He's like totally about to fall asleep! Other guy looks shy, like he doesn't even wanna be here. And I'm definitely not gonna ask a mom to help me lift up Dean. I guess I can do it myself. Whatever.

She rolls up her sleeves and crouches down. She does strain herself a little as she struggles to lift Dean up. He's not too heavy, maybe around 130 pounds, but it's still more than Lexi can lift. She's never done any form of bodybuilding, and has certainly never lifted anything remotely heavy. The heaviest thing she lifted was a thirty pound weight to show off to her girlfriend in high school gym class, and even that was a struggle. But she manages, and lays Dean down on the seat across from the mother. Lexi plops down on the seat next to him and lets out a dramatic sigh as she catches her breath and fans her face with her tired hands.

After a few minutes have passed, she looks over at Dean, who is snoring peacefully. She finds it somewhat adorable how he looks when he's unconscious. A warm smile spreads across her face, even though she knows he's going to lose this cute look once he wakes up. That part makes her a bit upset, which makes her feel guilty.

The train ride is only around two hours. It goes from the heart of the good part, to the heart of the bad part, so it's not a particularly short journey. Throughout the whole ride, the mother in front of them stares intently at Dean's sleeping form. Her child is looking over her shoulder to see out the window. Lexi is quick to notice her stare, and it makes her slightly uncomfortable. She decides to subtly watch her the whole time, just in case she tries something.

Once the train comes to a stop, Lexi gently shakes Dean awake. As she does, the mother stands up and takes a step towards them.

Mother: Hello.

Lexi: Uhh… Hi there ma'am.

Dean: Hhmmmmm?

Lexi's heart rate starts to quicken as she looks up at the mother. Dean's eyes flutter open as he also looks up. Surprisingly, even after a two hour nap, he still has dead eyes, and a blank, droopy expression. 

Mother: I saw you open that portal to get on here. Were you by chance the person who opened those portals and crushed those officers earlier?

Dean's eyes widen for a second, although it looks more like a twitch. Lexi, noticing his understandable hesitance, decides to respond on his behalf.

Lexi: Y-yeah. He was. We'd prefer to not talk about it, but I have to ask why?

The mother moves her right hand under her child's bottom to support him, and she takes one of Dean's hands with her left. Tears start to stream down her face as she grins with overjoyment.

Mother: Thank you oh so very much sir! They wanted to separate my son and I since I have a power and he doesn't! I can't thank you enough! From the bottom of my heart, I sincerely appreciate your truly kind actions!

Dean looks up at her. His expression is unchanged, but his eyes do begin to water. He begins to cry. His face doesn't shift at all, nor does he make any sound, but tears flow out of his eyes as well as a drop of snot from his nose. The mother assumes that Dean is happy that he was able to save someone. She thanks him again and walks off, her gaze still lingering on him until she gets off the train. Once she's gone, Lexi pulls him into a tight hug and whispers into his ear.

Lexi: I'm so sorry.