The Charismatic Glass Cannon

“Fuck!” I cried out, dropping to my knees.

I looked behind me, but there was no door to return through. My body let out an involuntary sound. An outsider watching may have described it as a single involuntary sob, but I think it is best described as an ‘I’m fed up with this shit’ hiccup. I was so physically and emotionally exhausted. Is Jace dead? Oh God, is my brother dead? I realized then that I might be all that stood between life and death for our families. This place was fucked up. Supremely fucked up.

Is my brother alive? I thought towards Kiwi.

Well, fuck you, lady.

I was now in a room. Well, wait a second, maybe not. Maybe I was currently in a black void. Looking around, I didn’t see any end. Even the very ground my knees were now resting against was pure black, the only proof there was a floor being that I was not currently falling into an abyss. Black is usually defined by the absence of light. That was not the case here. I could see the blackness go on and on. I’m no astrophysicist, but this didn’t seem normal. I was taken out of my unscientifically backgrounded brain trying to make sense of things when not feet in front of me, a giant wheel popped into existence.

I stood to my feet to get a better look at the wheel, taking a tentative step to ensure there was indeed solid floor. It looked like the Wheel of Fortune wheel by pure size and general style, but the inside area that had the potential stops was way more numerous and currently blank of any description.

As I was currently in no seen immediate danger, I pulled up my interface and went to my party tab. It was greyed out. So was my camp. My interface started talking.

Welcome to the Game Show Level! (Look, I tried to veto this one, but I was overruled.) In this game show there is no Regis, no phoning friends, and no commercial breaks!

[No party members or camp access in Level 2]

“Shit!” I exclaimed.

I should have had Jace go first. He would at least have a better chance to free my family than I did. That thought reminded me that I had a spell loot box to open, but as I pulled up my interface, I closed it back again, seeing an undead man now on the other side of the wheel. I may or may not have jumped multiple feet in the air in surprise.

The man was dressed in a sort of suit like a gameshow or talk show host would be, but it had a fantasy flair. Instead of the jacket ending where a suit jacket normally did it flared out a little longer, almost butler style. He also had ruffles instead of a tie, which I don’t ever remember seeing in real life, only in movies. The man had slightly balding, blondish-grey hair and didn’t have a nose. His nose reminded me of the Fallout games Ghouls that were always nose-less, having just a hole you could see inside to the fleshy inside of whatever was behind a nose. What made me think he was undead, besides the no nose part, was his skin. It was darker, greyer, and thicker than a normal person’s skin.

I pulled up my interface again, going to my quest tab. Nothing showed but the parameters.

[Level 2 Parameters:]

[Party – Not Available.]

[Max party size – Not applicable.]

[Loot and Environment – Non-lootable environment (exception story items) and no generated loot boxes.]

[Progress towards Campaign Completion 1 out of 30 Levels complete.]

I am only through 1 of 30 levels in this hellhole. And there were still 11 more before I would even see my family. And I had to do that with what? 2 HP and chicken legs?

Hey Kiwi. If I survive, what level will I see my family? I thought again,

That’s fucking right.

“Welcome!” said the undead man, his voice exactly like a gameshow host showing no signs of his deadness. “I am your personal gameshow host, Tap Shadejak, and you are joining me on TRIVIA OR FIGHT!” At the “Trivia or Fight” part, there was an unseen audience that chanted along with him, the audience sounded like they were all around me. “Now, let me tell you the rules of the game! The rules are simple. You must complete three rounds of five questions. You will spin the wheel and be confronted with a trivia category for the round. You will be asked five questions from that category which will complete the round. For each question you get right, you will receive shards, increasing in amount if you are on a correct answer streak. And let me tell you, SHARDS ARE SUPREME.” he said the audience chanting along at the “shards are supreme.” If you get all five questions correct, you move onto the next round. But get a question wrong, and you will be faced with a challenge. The more questions you get wrong in a round, the harder the challenge will be. Survive the challenge, and you move on to the next round. Are you ready to play Trivia or Fight!” He said, the invisible crowd cheering loudly from all around.

The crowd died down, and Tap just stood there staring at me unmoving. I looked around for a moment and didn’t see any timer or any pressure to start quickly, so I stepped back from the wheel and pulled up my interface. It was in this moment I remembered the Gold Level Spell Tome Loot Box I had that I could open from the tree thing.

How the fuck did I forget I had this? What if we had to fight that disgusting greasy lady? There could be a spell to rain meteors down from the heavens in here. That was really fucking stupid of me to forget to open this. I went to my inventory looking at the Gold Level Spell Tome Loot Box.

“Please, dear god, I need like fire blast or ice shards, or really anything that does some damage,” I said out loud, hands together in a praying pose looking up.

I’m not religious, but I was here for a few seconds as I clicked on the Gold Level Spell Tome Loot Box. I really fucking needed a spell that did damage. My period of piety was temporary, as what two things appeared in my inventory solidified to me that there is no god. And on the off chance there was a god he was just as sadistic as this AI.

[Animate Object]

[Max Mana Potion (4:57)]

The max mana potion had a countdown timer in the bottom right of its block in my inventory that was counting down. I had no idea what for, momentarily panicked my interface starting to talk.

You have been given an item that must be used within the time allotted, or else it will disappear. It’s just like you told your girlfriend in high school. If you don’t use it, you lose it, so I’m gonna need you to just take it. And she fell for it! That’s why I gave you those furry handcuffs, you dog, you.

“That didn’t happen,” I said aloud.

Oh, somebody’s a bit touchy. Doth protest too much?

I went into my abilities tab and saw Animate Object listed under my spell heading. There was no description, my interface taking over.

This spell normally costs 160 mana, which for a normal magic user would be quite high. For you, it’s a drop in the bucket. I think you now get the whole accompanying max mana potion, which doubles your max mana for one minute. Useful for the better…I mean…more standard magic users.

I saw the time ticking away on the potion, the description of Animate Object still blank with only three question marks, my interface taking its sweet time to read out the description. I spoke after a few moments of silence.

“Hello! What does this spell do?” I said aloud.

Sorry, needed to take my alluded break. Is this bad timing? It’s important to have some me time, am I right? Alright, on to Animate Object. Object comes to life at user’s command. User chooses a nonmagical object which animates and becomes under your control. For a normal, user this spell would last ten or so minutes. There is some more stuff about the spell ending when object reaches zero HP and what commands are available, but I’m not sure if that will apply to you.

I looked in my inventory and saw the max mana potion only had two minutes left. I looked around, only seeing the undead gameshow host staring at me and the wheel. I didn’t think it would work out too well, if at all, if I chose the wheel, so that eliminated any choice that I had in my immediate surroundings.

I went into my inventory. I really only had some mana and healing potions, the Depends, half a tube of IcyHot, and those creepy furry handcuffs. I was just too weirded out about the possibility of the handcuffs being attached to someone by accident, so I eliminated that choice. I didn’t want to risk using a mana potion on my first try and waste it, I would definitely be needing those. That left me with the options of a half tube of IcyHot and the pack of Depends. I chose the Depends.

The pack of Depends appeared in my hand. I hadn’t noticed before, but the asshole interface had even put my own picture on the package. I was wearing a black shirt and had on the diaper a big smile on my face, giving off a vibe of isn’t this great, I have a diaper on. I ripped open the package, pulled one of the diapers out, put the rest in my inventory, and placed the single diaper on the ground. The potion was nearing its end, with only 30 seconds remaining. I chugged it–the potion tasted like blue raspberry; it was pretty good. I pulled up my interface, I saw my mana had skyrocketed from 1750 to 3500. I gave a hard point towards the diaper my arm straight finger out, casting Animate Object on the Depends. A jolt of opaque black lightning shot from my finger, hitting the Depends. Seconds ticked by with nothing happening.

The Depends lay motionless as I felt my ability to cast Animate Object disappear, as if the knowledge had been sucked from my mind. I pulled up my interface going to my abilities tab and saw it was no longer there, only my Light Orb remained. Flipping to my inventory, I saw a new item that looked like a letter. I clicked it, and the letter appeared in my hand. The letter was addressed to me as Kent (the guy who has not yet started Level 2 trivia) and had a red wax seal from the Wizard Code Enforcement Committee, with a hammer slamming down on a book looking like their official mascot. I opened the letter and read.

“Kent,

Per 5.2 Subsectium b(i)A(3) of the WC, you have been found in violation of the spell Animate Object, defiling its intended use by trapping a god in a material form, creating a god-tier level familiar. Your spell, Animate Object, has hereby been revoked. If you wish to petition the council for spell reinstatement, you may do so on Level 7. All inquiries must be submitted to clerk Darsy on STANDARD FORM 212-b(REV. 1b-45-79) as prescribed in WC subpart 76.3(B)(i)(a)(3)(c) by Sol 76:9:00 to schedule a hearing. As this is your first violation, we hope this letter demonstrates to you just how serious this infraction is. Further acts of vagrant disregard for spells intended uses will result in increased punitive actions taken against you, including but not limited to death.

Yours truly,

Dolores Inviaduct

Head Enforcer

Wizard Code Enforcement Committee”

“What the fuck,” I said out loud.

Is this some sort of joke? Not only did I not get a spell that could actually do direct damage to enemies, but it was taken away from me? I’m going to die a horrible death; I just know it. William is going to beat all 30 levels and make the whole universe his personal cult. My thoughts were cut off as I heard a voice from below me.

“What is the meaning of this? How did I get here? Where am I?” said a voice from below. It sounded regal, pompous even.

I looked down to see that the Depends diaper was now standing. It was now crotch side up in the air, using each side of the diaper, the part that would go around the waist, as legs the middle caving up slightly. I didn’t know what I expected when I cast this spell on a diaper from my inventory, but I was still momentarily caught in shock.

“Hello? Can you hear me or are you just simple-minded?” the voice said again.

The voice had definitely come from the diaper, as I now saw folds and creases making a mouth as it spoke. And it definitely sounded like a pompous asshole.

“Uh, um, who are you?” I said having trouble with my words.

“Who am I? WHO AM I? I am the God of Sanitation, of course,” the diaper said raising its voice.

“God of Sanitation? What is that?”

“God of Sanitation. Isn’t that clear enough, you simpleton? How do you think things stay so clean around here? When you took a dump that one time in the tree room, what do you think happened to it? Where do you think all that waste goes? That is my domain. I was just dealing with a dire situation and my team needs their leader to do do our utmost duty to evacuate the lands of filth. Send me back at once! And number two, get me out of this mortal form. The thief will not be allowed to steal from me! Unless you are in cahoots,” the diaper said accusatorily.

I let out a small laugh in response to the “do do,” “duty,” and “evacuate.” I couldn’t help it. I could see the diaper did not find my laugh amusing.

“Did I say something funny, boy? I’ll only give you this one warning, peasant, to not laugh at me again. I’ll have you know that two times I have made good on my threats. That is deuce times I have wiped away stink like you,” it said.

“You really don't see what you are saying?” I said, holding back a chuckle. “And I am not in cahoots with anyone.”

“I seem to be temporarily without my powers, as my attempt to wipe you from the face of this world and flush you down the proverbial drain has been thwarted. Free me at once!” it said.

“I don't know how to free you,” I replied.

“Can’t you just drop me off using your pool of magic? You must have a pool of magic and be a great and powerful wizard to cast a spell to summon a god. Or just pinch off the magic so I can plop back where I was?”

This has to be intentional. I looked around in my interface, finding a new tab labeled Familiars but didn’t see anything about releasing him. I kept looking, but there was nothing in my interface to free this so-called diaper god. The interface showed a picture of the diaper. Its title, stats, and abilities just had question marks instead of any information.

“I really don’t see any way to free you. Do you even need freeing?” I said. “Why don’t you just go to wherever you need to go?” I said.

“Go? Like this? You really must have been plopped as a baby. That would explain your illogical statement. I can’t go like this!” it said.

“Alright. That is enough on questioning my intelligence,” I said.

I was usually a timid guy, but this place tested my patience.

“I can feel the magic of your spell. It nags at me, trying to force me to comply with your commands. Such a wimpy compulsion. Idiot! Nincompoop! I will send you to the very bowels of this world!” it said, starting to raise its voice again.

This is just fucking great. I have summoned an asshole diaper.