The Charismatic Glass Cannon

“Instead of trying to boss me around and be a total asshole, why don’t you try and work together to figure this out? Do you really want to go back to what you were doing before? Do you think sitting here and whining about it is going to magically make it better?” I said exasperated.

A pause came where neither of us spoke.

“You’re right,” he said, bravado melting away. “We must work together in order for you to serve me by returning me home.”

I guess that’s some sort of progress.

Stercus, God of Campaign, Sanitation has partially accepted his fate of being your current familiar. User now has access to view familiar’s info.

“This must be the closest to bottom I have ever been,” Stercus the diaper God of Campaign Sanitation, said.

I started to feel bad for it, even with all the insults that had just been hurled my way. The diaper was just facing the ground, looking defeated. I pulled up my interface going to my Familiars tab. I could now see its title and level.

[Stercus God of Campaign Sanitation [Level 3 – Locked at user’s level]]

I could see its stats too. Perception was at 10, Athletics was at 5, Strength was at 7, Dexterity was at 6, and Constitution was at 42. I started to get a little pissed off when I got to the HP and Mana area. It had 75 health! 75! And I still only had 2. This goddamn Depends diaper had like 40 times my health.

Scrolling down, I saw they had two abilities listed, my interface taking over.

I didn’t think your situation could get any weirder than it already was, but here you go surprising me. You have somehow trapped a god into a diaper, somewhat under your control. Your new familiar, Stercus, the God of Campaign Sanitation, has its stats, abilities, and other powers locked due to your level. Stercus currently has two abilities.

Absorption - Absorption allows Stercus to absorb incoming liquids and gases.

Minor Rift to Sanitation Department - At current level, this Minor Rift allows Stercus to open a small portal to the bowels of sanitation storage unleashing a torrent of pure filth.

Why couldn’t I just have gotten fireball? I looked at Stercus’s sheet again seeing they had 60 mana. Absorption looked like it cost Stercus 10 mana, and Rift of Sanitation was 50. I had zero clue what Rift of Sanitation would really do. Unleashing a torrent of filth sounded like a terrible idea, and I was having trouble discerning how it could even be useful.

“Damn, you are pretty powerful. Any idea what this Absorption and Rift of Sanitation do?” I asked.

“Of course, I am powerful. I am a god, after all. Even without all my tools and being confined to this material mortal form with only part of a grain of sand worth of the vast desert of my power, I still have control over my domain. I seem to be limited to my powers based on your power. Therefore, I have resigned myself to get you higher level in order for you to increase my power. You shall also help me recover my stolen property,” Stercus said.

“Stolen property?” I asked.

“Yes. My Trip Lever of Absorption. One of your kind has stolen it.”

“And what exactly could they do with that?”

“A very great deal could be done with such a device! But it appears they’ve taken to killing other players and absorbing their experience points.”

A thought started to form in my mind. “I don’t suppose this guy’s name is William?”

I think my number one lieutenant did say the name William or something along those lines,” Stercus said. “She said she would handle it.”

“Yep, I’ve met the bastard. He probably killed my brother.”

Saying the words out loud made it feel even more real. For some reason, hearing the statement out loud going into my own ears from my own voice inflicted an emotional response I wasn’t prepared for.

“Good, good, then we have a common enemy,” Stercus said oblivious to what I was struggling with. “I task you with the retrieval of my trip lever. It is the least you can do for the pain you have inflicted on me. I command it of you,” Stercus said.

“I’m all for taking that guy down, but we are currently stuck in this level. A level where they don’t let you talk to anyone else, so I assume we won’t see anyone until we finish this trivia game,” I said.

“Trivia? Trivia about what?” Stercus asked.

“No idea. Should we give it a whirl?” I replied.

“Yes, I believe that to be in my best interest. I hereby grant you approval to proceed,” Stercus said.

“Why thank you,” I said with a bow, heavy sarcasm in my voice that Stercus didn’t seem to pick up on.

I walked up to the wheel, and as I stood within a few feet, Tap’s face lit up, moving again.

“Are you ready to SPIN THAT WHEEL?” Tap said, the audience chanting along with him as he said, “spin that wheel.”

“I guess so,” I muttered.

“Who in the above is this guy?” said Stercus.

“He is like the gameshow host. I have to answer trivia questions to get through to the next level. If I get them wrong, then we have to go into some sort of challenge,” I replied.

“I really should have paid attention to the others’ job assignments,” Stercus said under his breath.

Wait, did he have breath? He was a diaper after all. I stopped my train of thought there. If this was going to be the type of thing I got hung up on, I would be dissecting this place for years.

“I guess I’m ready,” I said to Tap Shadejak.

“Alrighiiiittt. Let’s SPIN THAT WHEEL!” Tap said, the crowd chanting once again.

There were pins protruding around the wheel that I could grab onto to spin. I still didn’t see any categories but near where I was standing was a white arrow that would bend as the wheel spun. I assume that is what would be selected. As I reached down and grabbed a pin, I started to see writing appear on the different slivers of potential landing spots. The print was small, and there were so many. Near my hand was Celebrity, Religion, Quantum Mechanics, Slogans, Animation, and Architecture. I didn’t feel great about any of those categories.

I gave the wheel a big spin. The wheel was a lot heavier than I thought it would be. The wheel spun, doing a full rotation around, now going for its second lap. It started to slow, the tic-tic of the arrow clicking on metal the only sound in the room, or void space, wherever the fuck I was.

“What’s happening? I can’t see,” Stercus said, fidgeting back and forth below me.

“It’s still spinning. I don’t know what our first round will be yet. Hold your horses,” I replied.

It began to slow, and I saw it was in line for a cluster. It was heading for Art and Literature.

“Oh please no. Please no,” I pleaded to the wheel.

It clicked past Art and Literature and landed on Fantasy Movies, but it was still heading towards the next spot, Classical Music. The arrow pushed against Classical Music, but then sprang back. The wheel had officially landed on Fantasy Movies.

“Holy shit. What are the odds of that?”

“What did you get?” asked Stercus.

“Fantasy movies.”

“Codswallop. Waste of time movies.”

“No no, you don’t realize what this means. I just rolled a Nat 20 here. Like five Nat 20s.”

Cue cards appeared in Tap Shadejak’s hands as he began to speak.

“We have our first round here, folks, on TRIVIA OR FIGHT,” Tap said, the crowd roaring. “Settle down, settle down,” Tap said waving off an invisible crowd. “The category is, Fantasy Movies. Five questions for a chance to win shards,” the crowd chanted “shards are supreme starting at Level 3.” “Now on to your first question. Which movie features the phrase, “Release the Kraken?” Tap said, staring at me expectantly.

Shit, I don’t know. It sure did sound familiar. An answer came to mind, so I replied, “Clash of the Titans.”

“Correct!” Tap exclaimed. “You now have 10 red shards!”

As he spoke, a gameshow-esque sign appeared with exposed lightbulbs surrounding the number ten on a flip chart. A little red stone looking symbol was in the bottom right corner.

“Phew,” I said aloud.

I really had no idea, never having seen Clash of the Titans, but it just sounded right when I heard it.

My interface started talking displaying scrolling text.

You have acquired your first shards! Shards are the currency of the campaign. It’s pretty straightforward. Each shard has a value in increments of 100. 100 red shards make an orange, 100 orange to a yellow, 100 yellow to a green, 100 green to a blue, 100 blue to an indigo, and so on up to violet. Red shards have the least magic inside with violet having the most. Shards are used for both currency and may be used in a variety of tools.

“Straightforward?” I muttered as Tap began to speak.

“Now on to the next question! In Hellboy, directed by Guillermo del Toro, what does Liz have special powers over?”

My wife loved Hellboy in college, watching it all the time.

“Fire,” I replied.

“Correct! You are now up to 25 red shards,” Tap said, the floating sign flipping until it read 25.

“Nice!” I exclaimed. “Miss you, babe.”

“3rd question. Complete the quote “I’m wasted on cross country, we dwarves are-””

“Natural sprinters,” I replied in my best Gimli voice.

The Lord of the Rings trilogy were my favorite movies, and this was an iconic line from Gimli that would be one of the last things even my potential old Alzheimer’s brain would forget.

“Correct!” Tap said as the floating sign flipped to read 45.

“4th question! To avenge his father's murder, Inigo Montoya is searching for a man with what distinguishing feature?” Tap asked.

“The six-finger man!” I replied.

The Princess Bride was a movie I had at least seen a few times. There were some really iconic lines in that movie.

“Correct!” Tap said as the floating sign flipped to read 70.

This really wasn’t that bad. If I kept getting trivia questions like this, I could breeze through Level 2.

“Question 5, in The Wizard of Oz (1939), what is the name of the wicked witch who tries to stop Dorothy from returning home?”

“The Wicked Witch of the West,” I replied.

The sounds of bells dinging at different intervals, an air horn, and cheering filled my ears at my answer. The floating sign read 100 red shards.

“Nice work. Five for five. We’ll be back right after this message,” Tap said freezing.

A door appeared a few feet away from the wheel. It was just there, not connected to anything, just a door. I went over and opened it, revealing a bathroom. The bathroom had a layout like any men’s bathroom in a gas station or restaurant, with a row of urinals and stalls. I went in heading to relive myself.

Stercus ran past me going to a stall. He must have had to use the restroom badly or something. I didn’t think they would have to, being in a diaper and all. You would actually think that would be a perk of being in that form. I heard a weird gurgling noise and walked over.

Feces and god knows what started to back up into the toilet. I involuntarily took a step back worried that it was about to overflow. A face then appeared in the feces.

“My bowelness, I can’t speak for long,” a voice said from between a few floating turds making a mouth. “She is watching all communication, but I have her distracted for a few minutes.”

“What is happening, Urinae?” Stercus said.

“Number One Lieutenant Cacaseen has betrayed you, my bowelness. She has been conspiring against you. She has besmirched your name, stating you are weak and incompetent for losing the great trip lever. Being your ever-faithful servant, my bowelness, I looked into it myself and found that it was her who stole it from you and gave it to a user.”

“So, she is the one who gave it to this user?” Stercus said.

“Yes, his name is William. I can set up passage to get you near him, but I am sorry, that is the most I can do without her finding out. You must secure your trip lever to regain the Bowelers’ trust. I have already shrouded where you are and am compiling evidence to support you on your return. Cacaseen planned all of this. She set it up so that you would send her on a quest that would send her to the user in material form. She made sure the user you are with now received this spell and placed you right in the path to be trapped in a weakened form. She had planned for you to be trapped and William to destroy you using your own trip lever, but this user was more cunning than she thought.”

The toilet bubbled pieces of who knows what floating around. I almost gagged.

“William is a user most vile, my bowelness. She has also given him other trinkets. Don’t underestimate him, especially in your current form. The armor he now possesses is imbued with the trip lever, allowing him to absorb experience from dead users, creatures, and others. You must not only regain the trip lever, you must also help this user reach level 20. If he dies, you die. Forever, my bowelness. Once he is level 20, you should have enough power to regain your throne. I believe if you die, you will come back as long as the user is alive. I must go. Reach out to me again once you are able to get another connection. I feel this one soon fading.”

The feces and other mystery materials flushed themselves away, replaced by clean water. A timer appeared on the bathroom wall, blinking and counting down from two minutes.

“I knew she was ambitious, but mutinous, I never would have guessed!” Stercus exclaimed.

As I stepped out of the bathroom, Tap began to speak.

“Welcome back to TRIVIA OR FIGHT!” Tap said, the crowd cheering. “We are onto round 2. Stay tuned to see what our next category will be!”

I went up and spun the wheel. It ticked and ticked, going around the board. It started slowing down. It was heading right toward Chemistry.

“Oh God,” I breathed.

But though losing speed, she still had some momentum left. Chemistry passed steadily by–the pointer ticked over into Physics.

“Please God,” I begged.

Slowly, the board kept spinning, gliding gently past Physics and into The Whedonverse.

“God?” I asked, surprised as much as anybody.

The wheel continued to spin, crawling, painfully, oh so painfully, across the thin expanse of The Whedonverse and all my hopes and dreams. It ticked over. Geometry.

“Fuck!”

Cards appeared again in Tap’s hands. This was going to be horrible. Could I survive getting all the questions wrong? Tap wasted no time diving into the first question.

“Question number one is on Kähler Geometry,” Tap said.

I didn’t even know much about geometry, let alone whatever Kähler was. I hoped Kähler was German for Kindergarten or something.

I also knew Kiwi wouldn’t be any help here.

“Fill in the blank. A Kähler manifold is a blank manifold equipped with an integrable almost-complex structure J?”

“Oh, dear god,” I said aloud. “Was that even English?”

“Is that your final answer?” Tap said.

“No,” I replied quickly.

“I am going to need an answer,” Tap said in a stereotypical pushy gameshow fashion.

I didn’t know what to do. There was no way I could survive getting all these answers incorrect.

“It’s Symplectic, you dimwit,” Stercus said.

“Symplectic,” I said without thinking twice, repeating him.

“Correct!” Tap said, 110 red shards showing on the flip display.

“How the hell did you know that?” I asked Stercus. “And thank you. You saved my hide on this one.”

“All this you see around you that you think was made by magic is all just a collection of basic math and calculations. It’s actually quite-” Stercus said, being cut off by Tap.

“Question two. In a 30-60-90 triangle, the length of the hypotenuse is 6. What is the length of the shortest side?” Tap said.

“3,” Stercus said.

“3,” I said to Tap.

“Correct!” Tap said.

“Question three. What is the area of a circle with a diameter of 16?” Tap said.

“64 π,” Stercus said.

“64 π,” I repeated.

“Correct!” Tap said.

“Question four. What is the sum of the measures of the interior angles of a hexagon?”

“720 degrees,” Setercus said quickly.

“720 degrees,” I said.

“Correct!” Tap said.

“Now onto our final question. You are watching TRIVIA OR FIGHT!” Tap said, the crowd cheering. “What is the area of a circle in terms of π, whose diameter is 16 cm?”

“64 π cm²,” Stercus said.

“64 π cm²,” I repeated for the final time.

“Correct!” Tap said.

The sounds of bells dinging at different intervals, an air horn, and cheering filled my ears yet again at my answer. The floating sign read 200 red shards.

“Nice work. Five for five. Onto the final round,” Tap said.