The Charismatic Glass Cannon

I woke to a knock on my door. I rushed over, opening it, thinking the worst.

“Sorry to wake you, man. It’s been 10 hours in here. Five hours out in the dungeon. We only have 19 hours left before it’s all over. I think we should get a move on,” Jace said.

“Sounds good. Let me shower and use the rest room, and I’ll be ready.”

“Works for me. I’m making up the last bit of food I have in my inventory for a good start of the dungeon breakfast. Little deglazed alpha dire pigeon,” Jace said.

“That oddly does not sound half bad,” I replied.

I closed the door and headed to my bathroom, turning on the shower, which quickly started to steam up the room. I still felt like crap. Even the warm water giving me a sense of home didn’t make me physically feel much better. I really needed to get my stats up. My Level 3 changes just included increases to Charisma and my mana. I stood in the shower trying to do mental math on what my mana recovery time was at and also tried to remember what my stats were before my level. I really wished there was a log. Then I remembered my helpful down under girl.

Hey Kiwi, I thought, what changes occurred for me going from level 2 to level 3?

That’s it for my level? That didn’t seem like much.

Why did I only get a stat bonus for level 2? I thought towards Kiwi.

How long does it take my mana to go from zero to full without using a potion? I thought towards Kiwi.

<18 minutes.>

Damn, 18 minutes was a long ass time.

I dried off with a nice fluffy towel, put back on my coward underwear, dawned my wizard gear, and looked at myself in the steamed mirror.

“You got this,” I said to myself.

I left my room, going back into my tower spire. It felt almost as comfy as the bed I had just slept in. I always had a soft spot for old college library study areas. I stopped my momentary time of enjoying the scenery and made my way to the hallway that linked our two areas. We didn’t have much time left.

As I entered Jace’s area, he was in the kitchen, just sitting down two plates of food on the table.

“With all the fucked-up things with this campaign,” I said to Jace as I sat down, “or dungeon or game or whatever it’s called this place is not half bad.”

“I was thinking the same thing. But then the cynical part of me is wondering what the angle is here. Get us complacent so we just stay here until Level 1 is over? I asked my assistant, and he said we die once Level 1 collapses, and we don’t get to Level 2. Even in our camp,” Jace said.

“Fuck. Yeah, that puts a different taste in your mouth. Speaking of what do we got here.”

“Well, before you to enjoy is a glazed alpha dire pigeon topped with a shredded tongue and love handle goulash.”

He kinda lost me with the goulash description with ingredients that I was hoping too never have again. The bird was pretty good until I started thinking about how the Alpha Dire Pigeons were created, and it turned me off.

We got ourselves situated and a few minutes later, we were both standing next to each other, staring at the exit in Jace’s area. We turned to each other, silently giving each other a nod, and we walked out the exit.

We appeared back at the same spot. We hadn’t been back but a moment when Jace quickly made a be quiet hand gesture, putting his finger to his lips. I took a look down the hallway, seeing a band of what looked like orcs jogging. Orcs straight out of the Lord of the Rings movies. I think Peter Jackson should sue as their armor, appearance, and pretty much everything about them was a shot for shot remake. They marched, turning down at the fork in the hallway. They were going the same direction we planned to go if we didn’t want to go back to the dead end with the onion guys.

“Let’s give it a few minutes then we’ll check it out,” Jace said, whispering.

I pulled up my map. The map up until this point had been pretty useless, but now that we had gained a few levels, it was now up to being just barely useful. At 3% visibility, it was still pretty limited. With its limited range, I could just barely see down each of the halls for a little ways. I saw grey dots indicating the orcs. A feature I was excited to have. The dots disappeared as the last one turned the corner. Then I saw something else on the map. I saw Jace’s green dot, but there was now a white circle with the letter P inside. A key popped up on the right of the map as I looked at the letter. It showed P was player and N was NPC.

“It looks like there is a real living person right where those orcs turned,” I whispered to Jace. “Should we go help?”

“I don’t know. We should, right? Would be the humane thing to do?” Jace said.

“They might have info on how we get to Level 2. At this point, we would take anything. Also, might be easier to take out those orcs with someone else helping,” I said.

We walked quietly down the stone path. Jace was a lot quieter than I was, his high dexterity paying off. Jace took the lead. The dot showed the player unmoving right at the fork in the road. The orcs had to be right on them, but we didn’t hear anything. Just as we were about to peek around the corner that the orcs turned down, I tripped. A loose stone turned as I stepped on it, twisting my foot, then my other foot caught on a lip in another stone. I landed face down right in the middle of the fork with a thud.

There was a man standing next to a frozen woman. He was holding a noob level loot box.

“Holy fuck!” The man said dropping the loot box.

He was wearing full plate armor, his head that was exposed moments ago now covered with a helmet, only a slit for the eyes visible. The armor looked badass. Beyond badass. It was black and blood red. Most of the plate was blood red with borders of black, except for the chainmail from his shoulder to his wrist and the chainmail that went down to his thigh, all black. The armor was ornate, to say the least, with patterns and flanged pieces throughout.

“You guys scared the living shit out of me. What kind of entrance was that?” He said, still catching his breath.

“Sorry, man,” I said as I stood up. “I tripped.”

“What are you doing?” Jace said to the man.

“I know it’s gross, but I’m just looting to stay alive. Once a player dies, there is a low-level loot box that’s up for grabs. I haven’t gotten much from them yet, but in this place you gotta do what you gotta do. The name’s William Hunter by the way.”

“Hello, William. My name is Jace, and this is my brother, Kent.” Jace said, pointing to me.

William’s helmet retracted behind him. William looked to be in his sixties, with short, wispy white hair messed up from his helmet.

“Nice to meet you both. Good to see some living people down here,” William said.

“Nice to meet you too,” I replied.

“Where are you from?” Jace asked.

“I was in Colorado before moving to this glorious place,” William said sarcastically, waving his arms around to his surroundings.

“We are from Colorado too, Denver area,” Jace said.

“Yeah, so far, the bodies I have seen are mostly people from Colorado. Saw one from Nebraska, but all the rest are from Colorado. I was up in Florence, Colorado. This is a fucked-up place, right?” He said. “But it beats where I was before, believe it or not. But there have been a lot of dead around here,” he said, looking down at the dead woman.

She had multiple stab wounds on her body. Stuck into the ground next to her was the same gravestone we had seen on the others. On the gravestone in blue letters, it read.

[Lauren Boebert]

[Rifle, Colorado]

[Slain by enslaved orcs]

“We have seen a ton of people that were slain by enslaved orcs. They must really be tough. Did you see them come this way?” I said.

“Orcs? I’m not even sure what those are. Nothing came down here that I saw,” William replied.

We all looked down at the woman for a few moments before Jace broke the silence.

“Do you know anything about how we get down to Level 2?” Jace asked.

“I do. You guys really haven’t found them yet?” He asked.

“Found what?” I replied.

“There are rooms all over the place of different queens that have domain over certain areas. They’re the ones that have the keys. At least I assume they do. The doors to the second levels are also close by to the queens. I was actually going to go take one out right now if you guys wanted to do it together. I know where one of them is. Not too far from here. I was hanging around trying to get another level before I go to Level 2. What level are you guys?”

“We are both level 3. Just got it not long ago. You?” Jace said.

“5,” William said. “You guys close to your next level?”

I pulled up my interface. I was surprised, I was already over 50% of the way there.

“I am about 20% of the way through level 3. So still have a ways to go,” Jace said speaking first.

“I’m at about 50%,” I added.

“Do either of you have a class?” He asked.

“Yeah, I’m a chef, and he is a really weak one-trick pony.”

“Did I hear that right? Did you say a chef?” He asked.

“Yes, sir, you sure indeed did. What about you?” Jace said.

“It’s the armor. Part of my class. Don’t fully understand it quite yet,” he said.

“Alright, follow me,” William said, leading the way.

There were a few times I wanted to ask who he was, what he had seen down here, what his story was, and what else he knew about this place, but the moment had passed, and we were all in survival mode. Talking would only distract us and signal to monsters where we were.

William led the way, somehow keeping track of all the twists and turns in the hallway until we reached a wooden door. On top, it said “Fat Lady Jurisdiction 665269.”

“Well, I guess it’s pretty obvious now with the fat lady should scream hint and it literally says fat lady,” Jace said.

“Yeah, you don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure this one out,” William said as a small knife appeared in his hands.

“So, I guess we just go in?” I said.

“I’ll take a peek.” Jace said.

Jace tried to gently push the door open to take a peek, but once he pushed it a little, the door automatically swung open. The first thing that hit us was the stench. It was awful. Rotting fast food restaurant dumpster scents assaulted my nose. There was a long hallway that ended with those black rubber flaps that attached at the top of the doorframe hanging to the floor.

God, did it stink.

“Think it’s a trap?” Jace said.

“Not sure how we would find out until it’s too late. We could start throwing things to see if they trigger?” I suggested.

“I’ll just go first,” William said, as you would think a stereotypical old man would at newfangled ideas.

We slowly walked down the hallway with William in tow. We all made it up to the rubber flaps, the smell intensifying. And then I saw her–the largest, most massive, most rotund woman I’d ever seen. Literally, no exaggeration, she was ten times the size of Jabba the Hut. She looked like a mix of Jabba and Fat Bastard from Austin Powers, if that combination was multiplied by ten and you added a lot more greasy fat rolls spilling out. God, she was fucking massive. I’m all for body positivity and doing your thing, but she was disgusting and massive. She had no neck to be seen, even her forehead bulging with fat. If she had breasts, they were lost in the sea of fat rolls. But I was damn glad to see a giant fried chicken bucket right in front of her blocking her unmentionables. If they could even be seen. She was currently munching down on a large chicken wing, oblivious to her new guests standing outside her doorway.

“What’s the play?” William asked.

“I have an idea. Let me go first. If things go south then we fight,” I said.

I stood up straight, taking a few deep breaths, and then pushed the flaps, entering the chamber.

“Hello, fair lady,” I said, putting on my most regal voice as I stepped into the room.

“Who dares disturb my feeding time?” She replied.

“I am sorry to interrupt your meal, but I have something of great import to speak to you about. I am in need of safe passage to Level 2 and am in need of a key I believe you possess. You see, I am on a quest most dire in which-” I said being cut off.

“Are you a chef?” She said, interrupting me, eyes locked on Jace, her mouth full of chicken. “Oh, how I crave chocolate cake.” Chicken sprayed out as she made the v sound. “Bring me cake and I’ll give you the key,” she finished bluntly, going back to her chicken.

I was a little caught off guard by how quickly she had made a demand. I saw William walking around trying to get behind the massive lady. We made eye contact, and I subtly waved him off.

“Is there any chance you could whip up a chocolate cake?” I whispered to Jace.

Jace looked at me flatly. “I have literally none of the ingredients required to make a chocolate cake. Not unless you want it to taste like undead onion.”

“Right,” I said. I returned to the Fat Lady and bowed.

“That is actually why I am here, fair maiden. We are starting a cake delivery service, you see. But we must have access to Level 2 for the most delicious and mouthwatering ingredients. I wish to collect them and make a round of the most delicious chocolate cakes. The first round free to you, of course, as trade for giving us a key. I will personally deliver you a cake in short order once I have collected all the ingredients,” I said, lying my ass off, hoping upon hope this Charisma thing was actually worth something.

Then I saw it. What I was waiting for. The somewhat opaque cartoon bubble-looking hearts were now floating over her head popping as they floated up. The hearts were quite large, seeming to have increased proportionally to the massive lady’s size.

“You promise you will come back?” She said staring at me.

“You have my word and my brother’s word as a chef. A chef would never go back on his word of sharing food,” I said lying my ass off again.

The large opaque cartoon bubble hearts were now a more solid pink as they continued to float and pop above her.

“So be it,” she said as she started rummaging in one of her fat rolls.

A glob of grease slid off of her on one side, making a splash on the floor. A peasant girl quickly came out using what looked like a dog pooper scooper. She picked up the grease and placed it in a bucket and took off back through the door she had come from. Three keys were produced from her fat roll, and she tossed them towards us with surprising accuracy. Jace and William caught theirs out of the air. Mine collided with my face, the key hitting the ground with a ting.

“Thank you, my lady. We shall return shortly,” I said with a bow, picking the key up as I bent over.

We then left, walking backwards through the rubber flaps down the hallway and closed the door behind us.

“Well, I had no idea that was going to be our approach,” William said. “That lady was hideous. We should have tried to take her out. People like that don’t deserve to live.”

Jace and I exchanged an eyebrow raise behind William’s back.

“Old people.” I mouthed with a shrug still out of sight from William.

“Door to Level 2 is this way,” William said, pointing as he held out his key.

I took out my own key, and a dotted line appeared on the floor in front of me an arrow at my feet pointing me in the right direction.

“Well, that is convenient,” Jace commented once he was holding his own key.

After walking for about 20 minutes, we finally sat down to take a break in another alcove. I was relieved we hadn’t encountered anything along the way. I pulled up my quest tab which showed we had 17 hours left.

“Hopefully, it’s not too much farther. These keys seem to show us the way, but they never tell us how long it takes to get there,” William said.

“Have you been to your camp?” Jace asked.

“No, not yet. Didn’t want to waste time,” William replied.

“So, you haven’t seen the stats?” Jace inquired.

“Stats? Don’t think I have.” William admitted.

“Sorry to be the one to tell you, but there are only around 500 million people left. All the rest are dead, NPCs, or in stasis,” Jace informed him.

“I’m not surprised this all happened. The way the world has been going. I called this outcome years ago. We have not been in God’s shining light. The authoritarian plots by our government, you see. That’s what got us here,” William said.

Jace gave me a look that said–is this guy fucking crazy or something.

I saw Jace take out his magnifying glass it materializing in his hand. He discreetly lifted it to his eye and peered at William. His eyes went wide.

“Oh, fuck,” Jace mouthed to me as he handed over the magnifying glass.

I picked it up, held it to my eye, and pointed it towards William. Blue text appeared on the glass.

[Name: William Hunter]

[Level: 5]

[Race: Human]

[Class: Mythic Rare Monster Slaver]

[Location at Nanobot Infection: The United States Penitentiary, ADMAX Florence, Colorado.]

[Notable Noteables: William Hunter was serving life in prison for multiple counts of domestic terrorism where he has killed over a hundred people via multiple bombings.]

[Fun Fact: There were more situations of domestic terrorism that the authorities never linked to him!]

I finished reading the text and handed the magnifying glass back to Jace. As I was handing it back, William turned towards us, looking at it.

“What’s that?” he asked.

Jace quickly put it behind his back.

“Nothing,” he replied too quickly, “just a magnifying glass. I have bad eyes.”

“Let me see it,” William demanded.

“Hey man, we are grouping up for now, but we are not at the point of sharing loot just yet,” Jace replied, forcing a laugh trying to defuse the tension.

“I said, let me see it,” William said forcefully starting to stand up.

Jace and I rose along with him, with Jace stepping next to me so we could be side by side.

“It showed you who I was, didn’t it?” William said. “I can see it on your faces. Damn game. Well, I was going to wait until I could fatten you both up a little more so my armor could be satisfied but I guess the cat is out of the bag.”

As William spoke, four orcs rose up from the shadows behind him. They were the same four orcs we had seen earlier running through the hall after we had come back from our camp.

“They’re called enslaved orcs,” Jace said looking at them.

“So, all those people? That was you?” I said, frustrated, searching for answers. “Isn’t there enough hardship in this fucked-up place without us going after our own?”

“These are the same people that locked me up for life. The people I was trying to tell what they were doing was going to lead here. To this moment. Where humanity is all but gone. It’s these people. People like you that destroyed humanity. I am going to beat this game, and when I do, I will create a world where something like this will never happen again,” William declared.

The orcs started to close in. I looked at Jace and gave him a nod. I could tell he knew what I was going to do next. There was a flash, and we ran. Key in hand, we ran down the halls. I was wheezing something fierce when we finally arrived at a large wooden double door with a key slot. A large wooden sign read “Passage to Level 2.” Even with my wheezing, I still ran. There was something of a motivator knowing a mass murderer was on your tail.

“You go first!” Jace shouted as we stopped in front of the door keyhole.

I fumbled with my key, finally getting it into the slot. Just as my key slid into the keyhole, I heard a strange noise escape Jace from behind me. I turned and saw Jace falling backward, a large thick black arrow in his chest. I looked down the hall to see William next to one of his orcs, a bow in its hands, the other three charging with their swords drawn.

“Jace!” I shouted as I vanished.