Surviving marriage in yandere world

Royal Magic Academy Coliseum – Finals Day, Mid-Morning

Rei Velden was not dead. But he was seriously considering it as a lifestyle choice.

He lay on a cot in the infirmary, body wrapped in bandages, smelling faintly of burnt feathers, cookie crumbs, and dirt. His arms were pinned at his sides like a burrito, courtesy of some overly enthusiastic healers who believed "total immobilization" was medically sound.

"…Maybe I'll just stay here," Rei muttered weakly, staring at the ceiling. "If I don't move, maybe they'll forget about me. Maybe the finals will just… happen… without me."

[System Notification: Probability of being left alone—0%. Probability of being dragged back to the arena—100%.]

"Can't you sugarcoat things once in a while?" Rei groaned.

[System Sarcasm Mode: Sure. There is a 100% chance of sunshine, rainbows, and everyone politely respecting your boundaries.]

"…Shut up."

The infirmary doors slammed open. A shadow fell over Rei and his heart sank.

"Oh no."

It was the Headmaster. Still in his ridiculous star-splotched robe, still smiling like this was all some kind of educational bonding exercise.

"Rise, young Duke!" the old man boomed. "The finals await!"

Rei flailed inside his bandages. "No! I resign! I retired yesterday! I'm unqualified, I'm biased, I'm—"

"—exactly the referee this tournament requires." The Headmaster snapped his fingers. A healing spell surged over Rei, knitting bruises, straightening bones, and unfortunately, unwrapping him from his burrito cocoon.

Rei sat up, blinking. "…I hate you."

"I know," the Headmaster said cheerfully. "Now hurry, the crowd grows restless."

The Royal magic academy coliseum was in ruins. Yesterday's "pre-fight warmup" had blown out half the seating, collapsed three towers, and left a crater in the center shaped suspiciously like Rei's body.

But nobles and peasants alike still crammed the stands, waving flags, chanting names, and buying propaganda merchandise like it was the end of the world—because in a way, it probably was.

Vendors screamed out their wares:

"Buy Seraphina's Sacred Sunglasses! Block out the holy glare of judgment!"

"Get your Drakana BBQ Wings! Roasted in authentic dragonfire!"

"Lilia's Wedding Hymn Vinyls! Comes pre-cursed with binding oaths!"

"Rosette's Pocket Daggers! Free bloodstains included!"

"Emilia Plushies! Limited edition—only slightly explosive!"

Rei was shoved into the arena center, wearing yesterday's dirt-stained uniform and still dangling the cursed silver whistle. The crowd went wild.

"REFEREE! REFEREE! REFEREE!"

"…Why do they cheer like that's good news?" Rei muttered, shielding his face.

[System Notification: Because they want to watch you suffer.]

"Fantastic."

The Headmaster floated into the air, projecting his voice magically. "Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed nobles, foreign dignitaries, and curious demons watching illegally from scrying mirrors! Welcome to the Grand Finals of the Wives Tournament!"

Then the whole crowd roared.

"According to the brackets," the Headmaster continued, "today should be a duel between Lilia and Seraphina."

Lilia stepped forward in her divine bridal armor, face shining with holy ecstasy. "Beloved! Today I shall prove our love before all!"

Seraphina unfurled her wings in a blaze of holy feathers. "Nonsense, Only my eternal light is worthy of his gaze."

The crowd split into chants: "LILIA! SERAPHINA!"

Rei raised his whistle nervously. "…Well, okay, at least it's just two of them—"

The ground shook. Flames erupted as Drakana stomped onto the stage.

"TO HELL WITH BRACKETS! IT'S ME TOO!"

The crowd went insane. "DRAKANA! DRAKANA!"

Rosette slinked from the shadows, tossing poisoned roses that melted the stone. "Mm… rules are for corpses."

The crowd screamed. "ROSETTE! ROSETTE!"

Emilia wandered in last, tripping slightly on the rubble, holding a fresh cookie tray. "I… I baked victory snacks…"

The arena shook with cheers. "EMILIA! EMILIA!"

Rei's whistle dropped from his lips. "…Oh no."

[System Notification: Brackets ignored. Chaos probability—100%. Referee survival odds—negative.]

"Negative?! That's not even mathematically—"

"BEGIN!" the Headmaster shouted, washing his hands of all responsibility.

The Five-Way Clash made the whole arena explode.

Lilia's glowing rings shot like meteors, each inscribed with Rei's initials in holy script.

Drakana summoned a flaming dragon, its heart literally shaped like a heart.

Seraphina blasted radiant beams that burned holes through clouds.

Rosette hurled daggers so fast they whistled like angry songbirds.

Emilia sneezed—cookies went flying like shrapnel.

Rei hit the dirt immediately. "I RESIGN! I RESIGN! I—aaaaugh!"

A holy ring whizzed overhead, taking his hair ribbon clean off. A dagger stabbed the ground inches from his face. Then a cookie splatted on his cheek.

[System Notification: Referee HP -10. Referee Sanity -100.]

The wives didn't even notice him anymore. They were too busy trying to annihilate each other.

Drakana grappled Seraphina midair, wings and claws tearing at feathers. Lilia bombarded them with divine hymns that shook the stands. Rosette darted between shadows, stabbing ankles and poisoning weapons. Emilia summoned a giant cookie golem that began punching through the rubble.

The crowd screamed in ecstasy, nobles fainted and vendors got rich.

And Rei crawled through the chaos on his belly, clutching his whistle like a war relic.

Half the coliseum gave way under the magical strain. Pillars crumbled, seats collapsed, and the audience had to cling to floating platforms conjured by emergency mages.

The Headmaster, sipping tea inside a protective bubble, finally muttered, "…You know what? I quit." He ripped off his hat and tossed it into the wreckage. "This job doesn't pay enough."

Then the whole crowd roared even louder.

From the sky came the blaring horns of an airship and holy banners unfurled.

Rei blinked up through the smoke. "…What now?"

The Pope himself appeared at the prow of the shining golden ship, hurling barrels of holy water down like bombs.

"IN THE NAME OF THE CHURCH—CEASE THIS BLASPHEMOUS HUSBAND WARFARE!"

Barrels smashed into the arena, drenching everyone in sanctified rain. Steam rose from Drakana. Rosette's daggers sizzled. Lilia absorbed it like ambrosia. Seraphina glowed even brighter. Emilia just held out a cup and caught some like it was milk.

Rei coughed, soaked head to toe. "…This is officially the worst day of my life."

[System Notification: Correction—second worst. First worst was death by divine lightning aimed at cockroach.]

"…Shut. Up."

The Pope, arms raised dramatically, called down yet more holy water. But he made the fatal error of looking directly at Rei.

He froze and his eyes widened.

"That… That's the Duke's son?! The one every prophecy spoke of? The Chosen Husband?! Quick! Someone deliver the Holy Matrimony Scrolls!"

Rei spat mud. "NO! No more scrolls!"

[System Notification: Incoming Forced Marriage Contract Detected. Estimated Escape Odds—laughable.]

The airship dropped a glowing scroll tied with a golden ribbon. It landed in front of Rei with the weight of fate itself.

The crowd went insane. "SIGN IT! SIGN IT!"

Rei shoved it away. "I refuse! I'm not signing! Not again!"

Drakana burned it. Seraphina purified it. Lilia sanctified the ashes. Rosette tried to poison the ashes. Emilia baked the ashes into a cookie.

The Pope fainted on the spot. And the five-way brawl reached critical insanity.

Drakana unleashed her full dragon form—massive wings, molten fire, a roar that cracked the air.

Seraphina ascended into a pseudo-angelic form, blinding everyone with her halo.

Lilia called down holy chains from the sky, wrapping half the coliseum.

Rosette multiplied into a hundred shadow clones, each wielding poisoned daggers.

Emilia fused entirely with her cookie golem, becoming a horrifying yet adorable "Cookie Titan."

The arena floor gave up. It shattered like glass, leaving chunks of floating platforms drifting above a bottomless abyss.

Rei dangled from one edge by his fingernails, shrieking. "HELP! Somebody! Anybody! Even—no, NOT you Rosette!"

She peered down at him sweetly. "Don't worry, Master. I'll catch you… on my dagger tip."

"NO THANKS!"

[System Notification: Referee Dignity has fallen into the abyss. Would you like to follow? Y/N]

"N!!!"

The floating platforms became battlegrounds. Fire against light, chains against poison, cookies against everything. Spectators screamed as spells whizzed too close. The Pope's airship tilted sideways under the backlash, spilling nuns into the sky.

Through it all, Rei scrambled desperately from platform to platform, blowing his whistle.

"HONK! STOP! HONK! NO KILLING! HONK!—"

But no one listened.

At last, all five wives clashed at the center. Fire, light, poison, divine chains, and cookie dough collided. The explosion lit the entire capital sky like a second sun.

Rei was blasted backward, tumbling through the air like a ragdoll.

He screamed, flailing—until he landed face-first in the Pope's abandoned tea tray.

"…I hate my life."

[System Notification: Achievement Unlocked—Witnessed All-Wife Battle Royale.]

[Reward: One (1) Complimentary Coffin Voucher.]

The coliseum was gone. Nothing but floating rubble and smoldering flames remained. The wives stood panting, glaring at each other, hair wild, dresses shredded, still very much ready to kill—or wed.

The crowd erupted: "ROUND TWO! ROUND TWO!"

Rei rolled over weakly. "No… no round two… please…"

The Headmaster dusted off his robes. "Well. I quit. Permanently." He teleported away.

The Pope's airship drifted into the distance, still on fire.

And Rei Velden, still referee, still unmarried, still alive against all odds, knew one thing with absolute certainty:

Tomorrow will be even worse.

To be continued…