Surviving marriage in yandere world

Royal Magic Academy Coliseum and its finals morning. There were three things Rei never wanted to be in his reincarnated life:

1. Dead (again).

2. Married (five times).

3. A referee for a death-match between obsessive yanderes.

Unfortunately, fate—and the Headmaster—had just decided he would accomplish all three simultaneously.

"By the authority vested in me as Headmaster of the Royal Magic Academy," boomed the old mage, adjusting his pointed hat, "I hereby appoint Duke's son Rei Velden as the official referee for the grand finals of the Wives Tournament!"

The crowd erupted in cheers.

"Referee! Referee! Referee!"

Rei, standing in the middle of the arena with the grace of a man who had just been handed a cursed bomb, blinked rapidly.

"…Wait, what?"

From the competitors' lounge, the five wives-to-be exploded into motion.

Lilia pressed both hands together in pious joy. "Ah, it is only fitting! My groom will judge fairly, for his heart already belongs to me."

Drakana slammed her clawed gauntlet into the wall, cracking the marble. "YES! Let him witness my dominance firsthand!"

Seraphina folded her wings dramatically. "He shall gaze upon me in radiant awe while I annihilate the rest."

Rosette quietly slid a dagger into her garter. "If the referee is my master… then the match is already mine."

Emilia just tilted her head, smiled politely, and said, "Referees get snacks, right?"

Rei raised both hands frantically. "No! No, no, no! You can't make me referee! That's—That's a conflict of interest! That's five conflicts of interest! I refuse!"

The Headmaster stroked his beard. "Nonsense. Who better to oversee the wives' contest than the man they are all attempting to wed? This ensures impartiality."

"Impartiality?!" Rei's voice cracked. "They've all tried to stab, kidnap, or cook me at least once this week!"

[System Notification: Reminder—statistical likelihood of homicide disguised as affection currently exceeds 87%.]

"…You're not helping."

A student assistant trotted up and handed Rei a little silver whistle on a chain.

"Here you go, sir referee! Just blow this to start and stop the match."

Rei eyed it like it was a cursed artifact. He took a deep breath, blew with all his might—and produced a noise that could only be described as a dying duck choking on a kazoo.

The crowd blinked.

Drakana folded her arms. "Is that a joke?"

Rosette cocked her head. "I could lend him a throat-cutting knife if he prefers."

Emilia clapped softly. "Yay, it squeaks!"

Rei turned scarlet. "I—it's broken! Look, it doesn't work!" He blew again. Wheeze-honk.

[Congratulations. You have mastered the legendary martial art—Duck Summoning.]

The arena shook as magical banners unfurled, announcing:

FINALS – WHO WILL CLAIM THE HUSBAND?!

Stalls sold even more propaganda:

Lilia Hymn Hymnals (comes with free incense).

Drakana's BBQ Smoke Bombs ("Smell the dominance!").

Rosette's DIY Dagger Kits (already banned in three kingdoms).

Seraphina's Holy Light Sunglasses.

Emilia Plush Dolls (accidentally adorable).

Rei stood at the center, sweating bullets.

The wives entered one by one, each in their final form outfit.

Lilia wore a divine bridal gown with armor plating and glowing rings orbiting her wrists.

Drakana's dragon-scale bikini-armor steamed with molten heat.

Seraphina's saintly dress had more feathers than an entire flock of swans.

Rosette wore assassin's black trimmed with lace, carrying roses that were definitely poisoned.

Emilia… wore a simple academy uniform and carried cookies.

The crowd screamed their names like bloodthirsty gamblers.

Rei gulped. "O-Okay, contestants… remember, this is supposed to be a friendly match, no killing, no dismemberment, no—"

Five pairs of eyes turned toward him. Predatory, shining, loving eyes.

Rei froze. "…Okay, just try not to hit me?"

[System Notification: Warning. Probability of referee injury—999%.]

"WHAT KIND OF NUMBER IS THAT?!"

Rei raised the whistle again. "Alright. On my count… three… two… one—"

He blew.

WHEEZE-HONK.

The wives didn't wait.

Lilia summoned holy rings that exploded like grenades.

Drakana conjured a fire dragon shaped like a heart with Rei's initials carved into its wings.

Seraphina unleashed a ray of pure sunbeam directly upward, splitting clouds.

Rosette vanished in a puff of petals, daggers raining from nowhere.

Emilia tripped on her shoelace, sending her cookie tray flying like frisbees.

The arena detonated. Spectators clung to their seats, and vendors screamed. The Headmaster casually raised a barrier over the VIP box, sipping tea.

Rei was not so lucky. The shockwave hurled him three meters backward into the dirt.

[System Notification: Referee Health -20 HP. Referee Dignity -300 HP.]

"STOP! STOP THE MATCH!" Rei shrieked, waving his arms.

No one listened.

Drakana grappled Seraphina midair, both screaming about "who knew Rei longer."

Lilia launched rings that lassoed Rosette, only for Rosette to smile and cut them with poisoned blades.

Emilia sneezed, releasing a wild mana surge that vaporized half the arena wall.

Rei staggered up, grabbed the whistle, and blew with all his strength.

HOOOOONK.

The wives paused—only because the sound was so pathetic it stunned them.

Lilia frowned. "Beloved, perhaps you should simply kiss me now and declare the match settled."

Drakana growled. "No, he'll kiss me after I cook him a victory feast."

Seraphina glowed brighter. "No, he shall bask in my eternal holy matrimony first."

Rosette licked a dagger. "Or I could just drag him away unconscious."

Emilia blinked. "…I baked cookies."

Rei's left eye twitched. "This is my nightmare."

As chaos renewed, Rei stepped back, waving both hands. "Look, look! I resign! I can't referee this, you all are insane, I—"

His heel caught on the edge of the stage.

"Oh no."

The crowd gasped as Rei toppled backward in slow motion, flailing, eyes wide.

He crashed face-first into the dirt below, raising a plume of dust.

Silence fell. All five wives froze mid-attack, staring in horror.

"Rei?!" they chorused.

The audience held their breath.

Rei groaned weakly, raising one trembling hand. "I… I'm okay… just… dirt sandwich…"

[System Notification: Referee Status—KO. Match Paused Automatically.]

The wives immediately dropped their weapons/spells/poison and swarmed the edge of the stage, shrieking in worry.

"My groom!"

"My mate!"

"My saint!"

"My master!"

"My cookie-tester!"

The crowd began chanting again, this time:

"REFEREE DOWN! REFEREE DOWN!"

The Headmaster sighed, stroking his beard. "Well. That works too."

Rei was dragged out on a stretcher, covered in dirt, cookies, and divine feathers. His whistle dangled from his neck like a mocking noose.

"…Never again," he whispered. "I'll never referee again."

[System Sarcasm Mode: Achievement Unlocked—World's Worst Referee.]

[Reward: Lifetime Trauma.]

Rei closed his eyes as the finals loomed.

Tomorrow, the wives would clash again and Rei knew one thing for certain.

He'd be lucky if the whistle wasn't used to strangle him.

Rei was carried out of the coliseum like a fallen war hero, though the only battle he had fought was against gravity—and lost. The stretcher-bearers, two nervous first-year students, kept tripping over the debris of the exploded arena as the five wives shouted contradictory medical advice.

"Don't move him! His head is fragile!" cried Lilia, clutching a glowing holy staff.

"No, bend him backwards until he hears a crack—that's how dragon warriors realign their spines!" Drakana barked, rolling her sleeves up as if preparing surgery with her claws.

"Silence, heretic," Seraphina snapped, holding a feather quill like a scalpel. "He requires divine matrimony blessings! I must conduct the Rite of Eternal Bonding right now before he perishes!"

Rosette crouched low, dagger gleaming. "Or we could just knock him out deeper. Then he won't feel pain."

"Cookies," Emilia said simply, shoving a half-broken chocolate chip into Rei's mouth. "Medicine."

Rei choked, sputtered, and somehow swallowed. "Hhhh—no more… no more cookies…"

The crowd's cheers reached a fever pitch. "KISS OF LIFE! KISS OF LIFE! KISS OF LIFE!"

Rei's eyes bulged. "No! Don't listen to them! No mouth-to—mmf!"

Too late. Lilia dove first with priestly conviction. But Drakana yanked her by the veil and shoved her aside. Seraphina tried to bless Rei's lips midair. Rosette slashed the straps of the stretcher, flipping everyone in a pile. Emilia toppled forward, accidentally smothering Rei with her cookie tray.

From above, the Headmaster finally clapped his hands. BOOM! A barrier separated Rei and the girls like divine intervention. The wives were thrown back, hissing and clawing at the glowing wall.

"ENOUGH!" the old mage roared. "The finals will resume tomorrow, after the referee recovers. Until then, contestants, restrain yourselves—or I shall disqualify the lot of you!"

The wives froze. Disqualification. The word hit harder than any spell.

Slowly, like predators retreating into the tall grass, they withdrew—though their eyes never left Rei.

Still sprawled in the dirt, Rei lifted a trembling finger at the Headmaster. "You… you set me up… you evil Gandalf knock-off…"

The Headmaster only chuckled. "Character development, young Duke. Character development."

[System Notification: Warning—Villainous Mentor Archetype Detected.]

"Shut up…" Rei groaned.

The stretcher-bearers dragged him toward the infirmary again, his body a patchwork of dirt, feathers, frosting, and scorch marks. The whistle bounced on his chest with every step, wheeze-honking faintly, as though mocking him.

He closed his eyes, praying for a coma. Maybe a nice, twenty-year coma this time.

But somewhere behind the coliseum wall, the wives were already plotting.

"I'll win him tomorrow."

"No, I'll win."

"He'll be mine forever."

"Mine."

"Cookies."

Rei's soul whimpered.

Tomorrow promised more chaos, more fighting, and more "accidental" near-death.

And Rei Velden, against all his protests, remained the world's most cursed referee.

To be continued…