Pink Ranger Problems

"You know what?" I ask.

"Filia you're yelling." Not my fault. I swear.

"He has no right being hot!"

"I'm ordering pizza." She's smiling while rolling her eyes so I can't be bothering her too much.

"Why do I like him, Summer? I'm a boy." Bleh, saying it now feels gross. What about me looks like a boy?

"I don't know. I'm not into guys. Boys can be into boys."

"That doesn't seem right. At least I don't think that's what I am." An image of Ryan kissing Scott flashes in my head. Then things go further and further and the image devolves into them cuddling. It seems so wrong for me. Like guys loving eachother is awesome. But it doesn't quite fit.

"Oh? What do you mean?" Another comically high eyebrow raise. She is analysing me. Smartly. 

I take a big sippy from my almost empty bottle. 

"Well he's hot but I think I like him. Ryan doesn't."

"Aren't you Ryan?" 

"No, I'm Filia."

"I know that but aren't you the same person?"

"I mean yeah. But if I morphed I dont think I'd want Scott like I want him now." Boy, do I want him. Imagining his body tangled with mine. His strong manly hands caressing my soft body as his voice melts every part of me into the mattress. He has a handsome voice.

"Filia you're drooling."

"Bwuh?" This alcohol stuff is weird. I feel very hot. And cool. And everywhere.

"So you think your body is changing your sexuality."

"Uh huh."

"You really are so clueless. Ziggy was right."

"Ziggy?"

"Don't worry your pretty little head about it." Hehe. She called me pretty. 

"I am pretty. Oh!" An idea. A good one. I can show him how pretty I am.  "You have Scott's number. Can we send him a picture?" 

"You are a handful. Are you sure you want to send him a selfie like this?" Hell yeah I am. I want him to see me. I want him to see me at my cutest. And I am very cute right now. 

"Yes!"

"Alright." She pulls out her phone. Selfie mode activated. Now to figure out how girls do selfies. The screen shows me and Summer both looking gorgeous. Oh heck yeah. She lifts the phone up to get a good high angle that somehow makes me look cuter and shows off my cleavage. Perfect. I puff my chest out. He's gonna think I'm so cute. I do a peace sign, something I've seen other girls do, at the camera as she takes the shot.

"Do you wanna see if morphing changes your sexuality before we send this? I mean Ryan might not want this sent." She is right. Why is she right? I want him to see it. He would be so flustered. That might be bad though, if I only like him because I'm a girl it would be pretty mean to him if I sent such a cute picture. Teasing is fun but what if he gets hurt. I can't let that happen. Scott must be protected.

"Okay. Power down." I grab my morpher, stand up and say the words before considering the consequences. 

The pink light rips and tears my body apart. My waist is stretched back back into shape. The floor comes out from under me as my legs can't support my weight without knees. The bones down there snap and elongate. It isn't painful, but it still feels gross. Like invisible hands are molding my body out of shape, breaking it until there's nothing left of Filia. Scratchy hairs sprout up on my chin and the fat on my face retreats. When I become a girl the feeling is pleasant. I can feel the changes but there's a calm warmth, but turning back into a guy? It's uncomfortable. Like I'm taking up more space. What the fuck is wrong with me?

"I didn't mean now!" Summer shouts. She's so loud. God everything is so wrong. I know this is meant to be normal but I want to hurl.

"I don't know what got into me." I whisper. I don't want her parents hearing me. I don't want them seeing a boy in their house. 

"Shit. I was hoping to go back to base to do this. Uhh. Shit." Her cool demeanor had completely evaporated. I guess I'm lost too. My body feels wrong. Probably a result of the alcohol and a rapid sobering up, but it's such a stark contrast to how good I was feeling. "Still wanna see if you are into Scott as a guy." 

"May as well." I grumble. I try to imagine him and I kissing. His strong toned body, his willingness to teach, his eyes that could be so calming yet so fierce. He’s cool. Really really cool. My heart jumps a little, but it's probably just admiration. I just can't see myself with him. He's too good of a guy. He’s too straight of a guy. Him and Fi, I can imagine that. But it doesn't make me want him. It makes me want to dissappear and pretend to be Filia. Lie to everyone, tell them I'm trans, exploit their kindness. 

Wow, that's shitty. That's so shitty. I'm not trans. I know that. I don't want to be a girl. I don't mind it I guess, but it's not like the act I put on for Filia is real. I'm just lonely. And as a girl maybe I could feel less lonely. I mean people like Filia. She's an act, but she's a good one. Even thinking this is so disrespectful to trans people. 

And it isn't even fixing anything. I can't stop thinking about him and doing things with him. I want him to hold me and kiss me and hold my hand but as I am that all seems repulsive. 

"Do you still like him?"

"I don't think I like anyone." I frown. When this is over and I no longer have a morpher will I just be incapable of seeing myself with anyone? Pretending to be Filia has a time limit. I’ll have to man up again eventually and put all of this behind me.

"Huh?" She looks confused. I guess I am too. Why does it make me fall for him when I'm a girl? Does it just turn my childish admiration to love? "We should talk to Astrus about it."

"Yeah." I mumble. I just wanna get drunk again and forget about going back for a little bit.  

"Do you want me to delete the picture?"

I look at it. The girl in the picture is me. I'm smiling and puffing out my chest for a cute boy to see. It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic. 

"Just send it. Let him think we are having a good time. I should probably go home soon anyway."

"Is that a good idea?" 

"I don't know. I can't stay here like this, though and I don't want to keep morphing. I can't let myself get used to being a girl."

"Isn't that what we are doing tonight? So you can let go and try stuff."

"What about when we defeat Loch? I'll go back to being a guy permanently." Why does that make me sad?

"Then shouldn't you make the most of it?" She's trying to cheer me up. I appreciate it.

Maybe I should stop thinking about losing this. Maybe I should just let go and let myself enjoy being Filia. I'm can spend the rest of my life being a man, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. And it's not the worst. I like pretending to be Filia, so why should I stop myself from enjoying it. Most guys don't get to become a girl at will and maybe it will help in the long run. If I know how girls think and act I can avoid it. 

"You okay, Ryan?" I snap back to reality. 

"Yeah I'm fine. Just thinking."

"What about?"

"Morphing again. You're right and I was having fun before? I'll be a guy forever after all this. If you make sure I don't lose myself maybe it will be okay." I flash her a weak smile. That might be the first time she's seen me smile. 

"Sure. I'll try and make sure you don't get too contaminated by girliness." She rolls her eyes playfully. "In the mean time I have some nail polish my mum got me a while ago, I don't use it but we could go full stereotype."

"Fuck it. Why not?"

-----------

"The girls enjoy their night, unaware that elsewhere Loch, their archnemesis watches."

"Boss, why are you saying that out loud? We can all see the monitor." The general's servant asks.

"Don't question me. This is what Dysphorus used to do before these insects almost destroyed him."

"I don't remember that?"

"That's because you weren't his right hand man."

"About the old boss. Are you sure that keeping him on life support is a good idea? It's a drain on our already limited resources. Rebellions have been popping up around the galaxy we should be--"

"How dare you question me, Fins? I will prove to him that I am worthy of leading by crushing these humans like he never could!" 

"But…"

"But nothing Fins. I've been observing the new rangers and I have found their weaknesses. The Pink Ranger."

"What would you like us to do with her Loch?"

"Make her dreams come true."

----

I've never been a big eater, but the combination of morphing and alcohol seemed to be changing that. I devoured a whole pizza on my own and I still wanted more. I had to be careful to avoid getting any on my pajamas.

“You are a vacuum.” Rude!

“Hey!” I giggle. If I’m going to roll with it, I should stop pretending to hate everything about it right? For example: This voice is nice. I actually really like the way it sounds. Stop rationalising everything. I don’t need to understand why. 

“At least you are eating.” 

“It’s not polite to comment on a girl's eating habits.” I tease. I need to just go with the flow. Let go of the manly facade and put on a new girly one. “Plus going back takes a lot of energy."

“That's all well and good, but I’m gonna have to paint your toenails while you eat if you actually want them done." I take another bite. Hot damn, food actually tastes like stuff in this body. "Powder blue, or hot pink?”

“Hot pink. I am the pink ranger afterall.” I pose. A slice of pizza in my hand and a little bit of sauce on your cheek. 

“Consider it done.” My mind goes wandering a bit. Alcohol does that oddly enough. 

“If we are gonna be stereotypes..." I'm definitely tipsy again. Just suggesting this is stupid. "Can I talk about boys, and you talk about girls and we’ll pretend that we are just two teenage girls and there is nothing weird about us?”

“There’s something weird about us?” Summer feigns confusion. She is being good about this. Sure, there had been a lot of misconceptions between us. She thought I was trans and I assumed she was making fun of me, but I think she just wants a girl to talk to. Even if that girl is actually a boy pretending. 

“Of course not!” 

“That’s what I thought.”

“So tell me what do you like about himbo supreme." She asks and I cackle.

"Come on, Summer. You already know who I like." She gives me a very exaggerated 'really' look.  “I don’t know. He fights good?” She continues looking at me. Digging into my soul for a shred of truth. Maybe I'm being dramatic. “We’ve known eachother forever, okay? He’s patient, and sweet and for some reason he sticks with me and forces me to make friends.” I nudge her. 

“How dare he!” She feigns offence. Why haven’t we talked more? Summer is great.

“I know! And then he has the balls to get hot!”

“Gosh, look at you. Gushing like a schoolgirl. Getting a word out of you usually is like pulling teeth.” She seems genuinely proud of me.

“It’s easier to talk when no one can trace it back to me I guess.”

“So what are you gonna do about your feelings?”

“Ignore it obviously. It would never work out. He’s great and I’m… I don’t know. A cheap imitation. Even the power seems to think so." I didn't mean for it to come out that sad.

“Come on, Fi. I mean he likes you.” I’m starting to like having a nickname. And that is the most important thing. 

“He likes Filia.” I roll my eyes. Am I jealous of myself? That’s so dumb. I am Filia. I should be able to do anything she can. 

“And?”

“She isn’t real." I'm not letting m mood get spoiled. I'm no longer sloshed enough to be thirsty. "Anyway, enough of me. Any girls you’ve been into recently?” Quick topic change and I accomplished it perfectly. I took a big victory chug of my drink.

“I mean aside from what I said earlier.” She blushes and looks away as she says it. “There is a new kid in my English class. She’s got this punk aesthetic and it’s just cool. She seems cool.”

“Have you talked to her?”

“No, do you know how scary girls are Filia?”

“You are girls?”

“I don’t approach myself!” 

“You are like the coolest though? Like you are probably the most put together of the group.” She bursts into a fit of laughter. What’s so funny? She’s always the one that thinks things through and keeps Scott in line when I’m not able to. 

“Me? Put together? Filia, have you met me?”

“Yes, we’ve known each other since year nine?” I'm confused.

“And you thought I was put together?”

“Well you always seem pretty calm.”

“Oh my sweet summer child, I’m just autistic. Have we seriously not hung out before this?”

“We have, I’m just…” Socially inept? Confusing? Not sure how to talk to people when Scott isn’t there to mediate?

“Let's leave your nails to dry. What do you want to do next?” She cuts off my train of thought as it gets into more insults.

"I want to see what Scott said." Okay maybe I'm still tipsy enough that I want to kiss him. Oh I definitely want to kiss him.

"You sure?" 

"Yes."

"I mean we can call up the others if you want."

"Oh, do I want that. I think I do."

"Fi, you gotta promise you won't be too flirty."

"I can do that!" I take another swig.

"Okay, I'm calling him for you."

The phone starts ringing and my brain starts racing. I want him to see me. And kiss me and bleh. Okay.

"Summer, I swear to god put a leash on her." Ziggy hisses.

"Hi, Ziggy!"

"Damn it. Hi Filia." They sound surprised to hear me. 

"She's fine. She promises not to flirt too much." 

"She better not. Scott almost shut down earlier."

"Oops."

"At least I don't have to deal with her. Okay, I'm putting you onto the others."

The phone crackles and my heart starts thumping. 

"How's girls night Summer?" Leo, of course. "You two behaving?"

"Yeah. How about you lot? Scott's first boi's night going well." I want to hear Scott, where is he! 

"Dude, it's great I went from having no guys to do guy stuff with to Scott and Ziggy's even tagging along. Its great. Sad that Ryan ain't here but Ziggy said he's busy." He sounds exciteable. Leo's nice. Silly but nice.

"Hi, Leo!"

"Hey, pretty lady! Scott still hasn't recovered." Leo's complimenting me now. And in a not weird way! Being Fi is fun.

"Shut up, asshole!" There he is! Scott. Scott's voice sounds irritated. "Hey, Fi." His voice drops a little. Oh is it nice to hear.

"Hi," I squeak. "This is your first guys night? What are those like? Haha."

"I've hung out with the guys before. The others are exaggerating. Me and Ryan usually just watch movies though. Leo, is, well he can drink." He sounds a little unsteady. I take another sip of my drink.

"You sound tipsy." Gosh. Aaa. "Did I ever tell you, that your voice is nice. Like really nice. It suits you well." Summer is shaking her head. I just want him to know

"Um, no you haven't. Thanks. You're voice is nice too. Have you been drinking?" 

I let out a big squeak. Aaa he thinks my voice is pretty. 

"That answers that I guess. I'm sorry about yesterday. I'm not used to the way my body reacts." What's he talking about? Oh when I hugged him. 

"Don't worry about it, I didn't --" Suddenly the phone is not in my hand. Rude! He needed to know.

"I'm so sorry, Scott. Filia is really drunk." I poke out my tongue at her. She's being mean. And rude.

"Oh. That's okay. Wait, you didn't make her keep up with you, right?"

"Of course not dude. Girl can drink."

"Okay good. Sorry. I don't know why I'm worried."

"Bye, handsome." I shout. 

"Bye, Fi." His voice falters a bit. Success! "I'll talk to y'all tommorow, Leo wants to show us how much he can chug."

The phone call ends and I'm mad.

Summer bursts out laughing. "What happened to controlling yourself?"

"What! He needs to know he didn't do anything wrong." I need to defend myself.

"Fi! You are going to kill him."

"But then he can't kiss me."

"You are going to bed."

“Maybe... But I want to do more girl stuff."

"Like what?"

"Makeup! Girls are lucky! You can do wear make up."

"Are you sure about that. I mean I have some but I can't guarentee I won't poke your eye out."

"Make up! Now!"

"Okay, okay." She giggles a little and join in. I like my giggle.  "You know what, I'll put on some mascara and lipstick and you can even keep the bottles, if you go to bed."

"Mmkay."

We sat across from eachother as Summer instructed me on what to do. It was weird. As gross as I'd felt earlier, Summer seemed to have no qualms about touching me. Or being near me. It's nice. Is this what friendships are like for girls. I like them.

I take out my phone and quickly check. Wow. I'm a princess. I am definitely a princess. This is amazing.

"Summer what did you do?"

"Just basics."

"Thank you, Summer. I feel great.”

“All girls deserve to.” That’s me! I’m a girl. Just for tonight. It’s only tonight but it feels like it’s been a while. I can live with being a girl sometimes. It’s not gonna impact my masculinity. I’ll leave it be.

“Hehe. I hope you talk to punk girl soon.” I crash on the mattress she’d set out on the floor not even bothering to remove my makeup. ”Goodnight” The sleepiness soon takes me and I drift into unconsciousness.