NOVEL WEB Girl’s Night!
My pink frilly pajamas are neatly packed into my school bag along with my books and homework. All thanks to Kepler. Not only had they made multiple outfits and packed them for me, they also seem intent on me being comfortable.
I'm really doing this, huh? I feel gross, like I'm invading her privacy or perving on her. All while pretending to be an actual girl. She practically forced me to come and I still feel guilty for showing up. Why am I doing this? Am I stupid? At this point it seems like the only logical explanation for the mess I've got myself into.
"Looking good, Pinkie Pie." She's mocking me and to be fair I kind of deserve it. I'm acting out of line! I should have just told her I'm not up to it. Between last night's nightmares and yesterday's attack, running away would be normal.
"Hey, you're the one who made me come." She decided to walk me to her place from the youth centre. If I knew we were walking I would have worn something different.
"I didn't choose those clothes, princess. I even asked Kepler to make you some more casual outfits." That damn nightmare won't leave me alone. Why do people keep calling me a princess? Summer is obviously mocking me with it, but I like it. Is that why I wore something so embarrassing? Kepler did offer me some more clothes while I was changing. They even encouraged me to try on something new. "There was a hoodie on offer and you still chose the cute dress."
She seems to have made it her mission to make me regret not taking the hoodie. Hoodies are great. They are amazing for hiding when your supposed friend won't stop embarrassing you for sport.
"I- You- Shut." My words aren't working. There's a very good reason that I'm wearing the galah dress, leggings and a faux leather jacket combo. If my words worked I would explain it, unfortunately I'm in purgatory.
"Hey, don't worry it looks cute on you." Being called cute is what snaps me out of it? This is so stupid.
"It's just so no one suspects it's me. Don't call me cute. It's weird."
"It's honest, Fi. You look good." There she goes with that earnest acting again. I'm not desperate enough for it to work. She has to be up to something.
"Fuck off," I mumble. My face feels like it's on fire. Why is she doing this? Does she think I'm a pervert or something? Is this how she's punishing me?
"Alright Fi, I'll chill out. Though I dont get why you would be worried about other people figuring it out when it's just you and me." She's smirking. Ugh this is so frustrating. I should have worn something else. I shouldn't have come. What was I expecting? To be wanted? Fat chance. To become friends with someone I've been hanging out with for three years?
Maybe she was only being nice to me so she could mock me about it tonight. Or use it as blackmail. Or she's trying to lull me into a false sense of security to turn me into a girl. Or something.
"Do you hate me or something?" I whisper pathetically. No, this is not how my feelings are meant to be channeled! I have always been weak, but at least usually I can seem angry. I should be angry. I should have been more suspicious of everything.
Why did I wear the girliest clothes on offer? I didn't even think about wearing something different. Did I assume this was the default? That might make sense, it's the only outfit I've worn and it's comfortable, but the other options were more familiar. Hoodies, jeans, graphic tees with stupid catchphrases, all things I normally wear. Things that would still look feminine but weren't so pathetic. Do I want to humiliate myself? Make it so maybe she would forget the real me? Or did I want to wear this?
"What? Filia no?"
"Then why are you teasing me?" My voice comes out strained. A lump forms in my throat. I should just shut my mouth.
"Teasing? Filia, you're cute. That's all I was saying. Sorry. I thought--"
"You thought I would like being treated like a girl? I'm a man, Summer." And of course more ridiculous half memories from my exhausted self. She enjoyed being called cute. So Summer might be assuming that's how I'll react.
Damn this stupid body and it's stupid tears. At least she might pity me. Why am I even crying? Is it to guilt her? I'm gross. I should have known I couldn't ignore being a girl much longer.
"Let's get you inside." She looks worried about me. Doesn't she, I don't know, want me gone?
The house is warm, something that should be comforting, but instead reinforces just how out of place I am. I should be at home right now. Watching the memories of friendship and bonding from behind a screen. Instead I'm crying, for goodness knows why, as Summer leads me to her room where she'll probably mock me, or try and have a really awkward conversation. I should go home. Going home would be better than hanging out with the guys as Ryan, having to posture as a bro all night, and it would be better than trying to act like a girl in front of Summer, but then I'd be alone. Alone again.
She sits me down on her bed. It feels like I'm invading her space. She's forcing me to and I'm just letting her. Why is she doing this? Does she really want someone like me anywhere near her?
"What do you want me to call you? Ryan, or Filia?" Is this a trick? There is no right answer. If I choose Filia, I open myself to mockery and accusations that maybe I secretly want this. That I am like Scott. If I choose Ryan then I'm gonna be sent home for being a guy.
"Do I have a choice? This is meant to be a girls night."
"Yeah, you have a choice. Mum and Dad aren't home and Ryan can be gender neutral."
"Well I'm stuck as a girl for tonight, so--"
"Which do you prefer? What should I call you when it's just us?"
I'm trying to think. There are too many possibilities. She could be messing with me. In fact she probably is but that means there is no right answer and I'm screwed.
"Ryan? It's a simple question." Something about being called Ryan when I look like this doesn't feel right. Like the happiness I feel when I see that cute girl in the mirror is going to contaminate Ryan. Who I actually am. "Look I'm sorry I pushed you into this. Do you want to go over to Scotts?"
"Filia. Call me Filia. Please don't send me over there." The voice of a trembling girl leaves my mouth before I can stop it. The blue dress, the kisses, the body melting. I can't be around Scott.
"What is going on with you? One minute you are all 'I'm a guy', 'I'm not cute,' and the next you are begging not to go to the guys night? I thought I'd figured it out, but you said you aren't trans. Are you okay?" Maybe I'm not. Does it matter? She doesn't act like she wants to hurt me at the moment, so what's her angle?
"Why are you calling me cute, pretty and princess?" If she's not trying to hurt me, why is she pushing all the worst buttons.
"Damn you are clueless." Her face is a vibrant red. "I was flirting, or trying to."
"Bwuh?" She must have said that wrong. Flirting with me?
"Look, you are cute, and I thought 'since she's a girl, I'll tease her'. You are cute when you're blushing." Summer sounds nonchalant, but her face is still glowing. She thinks I'm cute. As a girl. Why is this ten times worse than the idea that she hates me? She's teasing me because she thinks I'm a girl.
"Oh."
"I get if you want to leave now. I'm not trying to date you. I know you still see yourself as a guy and you are into Scott. I wasn't even going to tell you." Okay a lot is happening. All the coolness she had earlier was gone and she's rambling. Cool. She's gay. And nice. I could maybe try panicking more, but my brain is buffering. She thought I was cute and was flirting kinda. Again cool.
"You think I'm into Scott?" I shout. What the hell is she thinking?
"You are right? You don't want him to like you though because of the guy/girl thing."
"I can't like Scott! I mean we are best friends." This accusation is ridiculous. Sure he had flustered me a few times but that doesn't mean I'm into him.
"Filia? Do you want to go? I mean I just dropped a bombshell on you. I'd understand if you were uncomfortable being around me as a girl." What is she talking about? She thought I was cute. Big deal. At least she doesnt thinking I'm gross. At least she gets something out of me being here. She thinks I like Scott, that's the bigger issue.
"So you aren't grossed out by me being here?"
"I invited you! Why would I be grossed out by you? Are you okay?"
"Okay. I guess that makes sense. Still I am a guy isn't this weird?" She rolls her eyes.
"Filia, you are my friend, You do get that right?"
"You hardly know me, I'm the weird kid that sits at the end of the table."
"Jeez, uh, are you alright Filia?" Alright? Probably not. Is she concerned?
"I guess? Why do you think I like Scott?"
"You pushed your boobs into him and called him a good boy!"
"That was just friendly teasing."
"He doesn't know that!" She has a point. I definitely went to far. "You know what? My turn to ask a question. Why don't you want to go to the bois' night?"
"Scott's there and I definitely can't face him as Ryan." I sigh, I am more messed up than I thought.
"Why can't you face him? Is it because of what I said?"
"It didn't help! But that's not all. Look, promise not to make fun of me." This is going to bite me on the ass later. If she has any ulterior motive this is all the information she needs. Then again I can't keep it bottled up forever.
"Cross my heart."
"I've been having these dreams ever since we morphed and Scott came out."
"And?" She looks at me with a comically raised eye brow.
"Filia is always in them. Usually replacing me. I turned into her mid conversation and kissed Scott in the first one. They've only gotten worse from there." I should stop here! This is already a lot of information!
"Go on." She's smiling. I can't read her!
"We were hanging out and you asked about him and for some reason I was dating him? And I was permanently a girl! It's stupid."
"Like Ryan isn't real?"
"More like I gave up my life as Ryan. I think the power is messing with my head. Telling me I should be a girl. It's like it's trying to erase Ryan. In that dream I was gushing about a kiss? That's not like me!" I'm trying to avoid looking at her. These dreams are the worst
"Uh huh. Anything in particular that makes you want to avoid him now?" I look down at my lap.
"Well, uh, yeah. We kiss a lot, and last night it got worse. I was Cinderella! And he kissed me then the clock struck midnight I turned into me and then he kissed me and I turned into a princess and it was all really cheesy and stupid and…" The gushing just doesn't stop. Summer isn't a dream journal, dumbass!
"Do you think they are trying to tell you something, Filia? Like maybe the power isn't messing with you but it's brought something to the forefront." What is she talking about? I mean they are just weird dreams. Weird, embarrassing and awkward dreams.
"It can't be that. As a guy I'm the same as usual. And Scott being there, what could a dream possibly be trying to tell me?"
"God you are dense. Okay. Follow along with me."
"Okay," I whimper. I don't like where this is going.
"In these dreams you are a girl"
"Yeah." That's just because the whole girl thing has been on my mind. It's hard balancing a secret identity.
"And in those dreams do you seem happy as a girl? Like when you become the princess is that a good thing." Oh. Oh. No. She might be onto something. Oh.
"Yeah…" My voice sounds small. Frustratingly so.
"And Scott, your best friend, the guy whose opinion you care the most about treats you like a girl."
This can't be happening. It just can't be right. It's so against everything I know about myself. But it makes too much sense. That idiot! In those dreams Scott treated me like I was the most beautiful woman on the planet. I could see it in his eyes. The way he lifts me. The way he protects me. The way he treated me like not just a girl but one he wants to kiss and date. How he reacted to me hugging him. Fuck. There is no way. I know what she's talking about. My face heats up like a radiator. I'm so stupid. No wonder she's been so pushy.
"Summer…" I whimper. Is she really gonna be the first one I tell this to? I can’t really hide it from her. Apparently it's obvious to everyone but me.
"Yes, Filia?" There was no teasing tone to her voice.
"I think I'm gay." I let out a sigh. I'm gay.
"You know what. It's a start." She rolls her eyes. Of course, she was going to react like that, it was so obvious.
"No wonder I keep seeing myself as a girl. It's the only way we could be together." At least, I feel like I've made a breakthrough. I'm a gay guy and I like Scott.
I like Scott.
And being Filia is the only way he'd ever like me.
So liking being her makes sense.
Summer was right earlier.
"You might be bi? Have you ever liked girls?"
Have I? I mean, I’d researched how to get them to like me before, but that might have been out of obligation. How does Scott make me feel? His chiseled face, his stupid buff arms that could just scoop someone up, his heroics and manliness that inspires others to want to be better. I definitely like him. I let out another sigh, all this trying to be manly and I'm gay. Likely very gay.
"I don't think I have. I was waiting to run into the right one, but if I think about it. You are like the perfect girl and no offense but you are just badass and cool." I'm rambling. I need to steer this to a conclusion. "The thought of kissing a girl seems fake. I mean a guy like me doesn't seem right with a girl." Or with a guy really. I mean even if I do like Scott I don't think I could do anything with him. I am a man in the end, and he’s straight.
"So what do you want to do, Fi?" She's trying to be supportive. She's so nice.
"I don't know. This is big, Summer. I like my best friend and he clearly likes my girl form based on his-- uh-- reaction to me yesterday." A smile tugs at my lips. I shouldn’t be proud of this! Why does remembering it not horrify me? His reaction was priceless, maybe that’s why. This body is different. Oh, I definitely don't have certain parts anymore.
"Oh you're blushing." And a little bit more than that but she does not need to know that.
"That's enough boy talk. What else do girls do at a girl's night?" Perfect topic change. I didn't have time to think about how he could throw me on the bed and do… no no no no no no.
"You're eighteen right?"
"Yeah."
"Cool cause I don't know about what other girls do but before he got all ripped and manly, me and Scott used to get sloshed." She reaches under her bed and grabs a bottle which she tosses to me. Alcohol? There are worst times to get drunk for the first time. The label says Skinny Sheep, weird name. "Drink up." She cracks open a second bottle and downs a quarter. How much alcohol is in this stuff? The label on the back says ten standard drinks. Maybe I should just sip it
"I guess I am a little thirsty." Oh, it tastes like pineapple.