Pink Ranger Problems

I’m surprised by the lack of nightmares. I mean shouldn’t being a girl make them worse. Heck shouldn't everything from last night make it worse? I was flirting! Drunk flirting! And yet nothing, nada, zilch. Not even a dream.

Did I make peace with it? Is there no longer a need to torment me now that I've realised liking being a girl is just a weird manifestation of my feelings for Soctt, or that I have feelings for Scott? I shouldn’t be questioning it. It’s nice so I’ll take it. I probably shouldn’t question why I felt so good after waking up, but it was weird. Usually just the idea of waking up and being me sucks the life out of me, but today I feel fine. Not amazing but fine. Maybe the morph has something to do with it. I pull my dress out of my bag and head to the bathroom to get changed.

I slip my dress over my head and reach behind me to zip it up. It all feels so natural. Even seeing my body doesn’t freak me out. And dresses. Well dresses are nice. I’m still a guy. I’m still manly, but it’s okay that I’m pretending to be a girl. It’s okay to enjoy pretending to be a girl. I’m still a man. I’ll still become someone that can rival even Scott. I just might end up having a boyfriend as well. Not Scott obviously. But another guy. 

I take a quick look at myself in the mirror. I need to take my make up off. How am I even meant to do that? I'll have to ask Summer when she's up. I did a lot last night. Learnt a lot about how to take care of this body and yet I didn't learn how to take off my make up. Maybe she's up now. I look back at the mirror one last time. Neat. Good. I don't look like a total mess.

“Good morning, Fi,” Summer murmurs from her bed. Girls can be so pretty without trying. Summer is just laying there with bed head and she’s pretty? Am I pretty like her now? Would I look pretty without even trying?

“Morning!” I chirp. I like that, I like being peppy, sue me. Filia isn't real so she can be whoever I want her to be. I’m going to stop all of these hang ups. I’m a guy and nothing is going to change that. I’m a gay guy and the lack of dreams last night means that I have got this sorted. Summer blushes. Maybe she had a weird dream or something.

"You really have leaned into the girl thing haven't you?"

"It just comes naturally. Being a guy is so stuffy sometimes." It's freeing, not being bound to the ideals of masculinity. For now I have no chains! I'm just Filia!

"Right," she's thinking about something again. "Since you've got everything figured out. What do you think about seeing Scott today?"

Do you ever want to do something so desperately every part of you is screaming say yes, except your brain? The leashes and restraints on the girl exploration and the sexuality stuff were loosened (I wasn't going to date him, we are still best friends and also I'm secretly a guy.). I just want to just throw myself at him and tease him. Is this how teenage girls feel? Going back to being a guy seems so dull compared to the intensity of everything. 

"Earth to Filia. The tomato you call a face told me everything. Want me to do your hair?"

"Yes please."

"You should also take off the makeup."

"Oh shoot, yeah. How do I do that?" She rolls her eyes. 

I look gorgeous. She'd brushed my hair and I removed my make up, with very little help. Despite there being very little I can do with my limited wardrobe and lack of make up skills. I look great. It's almost too good to be true. 

We start walking to the Youth Center for brunch, and all I can think is 'Jeez, Ryan, why does this make you happy?' and the answer is 'because Scott' and then I stop questioning. Thinking is becoming dangerous. I'm happy for once, so why ruin it.

The upbeat feel of the youth center seems unmarred by the attacks. In the corner where we usually sit is the guys, seemingly tired after a night of whatever they were doing. There's a spot free next to Scott. A seat I'm glad to take. They had hurried us over, but Scott was quiet as he looked at me. By the power he was looking at me. And looking away. And blushing. And bleh. How does he go from cocky and flirty to cute? It's not fair. How is anyone meant to resist his charms! The warm pools of joy in my brain and gut shouldn't be there. As his friend I shouldn't be happy about this. I can't let him like me, or he'll get hurt. 

"Hey, Fi, about last night. I'm sorry for springing that apology on you." he whispers. My body feels like it's on fire. Oh my goodness, I was going to tell him that I didn't mind. Why was I going to tell him that?

"It's okay it happens." I know how guys bodies are. I'm a guy, afterall. "I'm sorry for how I was acting." I add. My face must be lit up like a Christmas tree.

"I didn't mind." Fuck. "Just let me know if I do anything wrong? I don't want to make you uncomfortable and…" Can he please stop being so considerate? I know he's trying to apologise but… Damn it

"Scott, it's fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course." I smile. Smiling comes more naturally like this. Does morphing boost my charisma? Am I gonna start spouting one-liners?

"How was your night, ladies?" Leo asks with a mock flirtiness. For once I giggle at his silliness. "Any pillow fights." He winks at Summer.

"No, pillow fights!" Summer barks.

"Is this a running joke I'm not privy to?" I ask. I'd been around these people for so long, but I hadn't paid too much attention.

"Code for kissing, and no she's straight." She glares at Leo. It's kinda weird thinking of myself as a straight girl. It feels right. I think. Maybe this body is straight because I think of myself as a girl when I think of him? Maybe it's because as a guy I feel next to nothing? Too many think. Stop think.

"Obviously," Ziggy mutters, shooting me a very tired look. "Scott almost died."

"I did not!"

"Shut up, Ziggy." I hiss.

"How about you shut up, Miss Oblivious?" They laugh at me! The nerve.

"You hardly know me!"

"I swear I recognise you from somewhere." Where could they recognise a fake person from? What are they talking about?

"She is kinda familiar now that you mention it, Ziggy." Leo squints at me. Does he have to make everything exaggerated? I look over to Scott for some back up but he's staring at his phone. Summer isn't much use either. Her face is in her palms.

"What are you two on about?" 

"Has anyone heard from Ryan?" Scott asks, smashing the little world I had been building and also saving my ass. "He said he was at home but I went by his house this morning and his dad said he was coming here with us?" My heart drops. Of course he'd be worried, I wish he wasn't but that's just how he is. I'm a girl and he's a guy. The world isn't in danger. Why should I give this up? He looks at me like I'm attractive rather than as a puppy he needs to protect. I should be thrilled to go back, but I'll lose this if I do. 

"Maybe he got caught up?" I suggest. Staving this off isn't helping anyone. 

"He's not texting back." My bag's heavy. I should check what he said. I know I should. But I don't want to go back to being Ryan yet. 

"I'm going to go to the toilet." I don't wait for a response and run around a corner leading to the toilet.

"Fi, wait up!" Summer stands up.

[10:02] Scott: Wanna come to the youth center today? I really wanna introduce you to this girl

[10:46] Scott: Where are you?

[10:50] Scott: I went to check on you this morning since you weren't feeling well and your dad says you aren't home.

[11:30] Scott: You okay?

Maybe juggling two lives is a bad decision. Summer appears next to me as I finish typing a message. Maybe she'll know what to do.

[12:00] Ryan: Sorry, bro was going to surprise you by showing up but felt gross and went home.

She reads my face. I don't know how she does it. "Fi, what are you thinking?" It's not fair for me to keep this up. I can't make him sad. But I don't want to leave. 

"I should go back to being Ryan."

"Are you sure?"

"I don't have a choice, do I? He sounds worried."

"Are you going to be okay if you do?" I mean obviously, I'll be fine. I'll have to be.

"It's just going back to normal." There's a pit forming in my stomach. I'm tired.

She doesn't say anything as she follows me back to the table. Why does she look worried?

"He's been weird since I became a guy. Maybe he's, I don't know, mad at me," Scott says, before we get there. 

"He thinks the world of you, Scott," Summer says as she sits down.

"Oh, welcome back.” he pauses for a second and looks down at his food. “I mean maybe I let him down by becoming a guy? I don't know." Summer looks at me with a look of pity.

"You didn't become anything, Scott. You were already a guy and Ryan knows that." I take a deep breath, and pull out my phone being careful to obstruct it from view as much as possible. "Shoot. I have to go. Mum wants to do homeschool stuff." I run towards the door and down the side of the youth center

"Release." Immediately, the seams that make up my feminine form tear and my true form bursts out. Starting at the bottom those seams unravel and everything breaks. Like I'm an overstuffed build-a-bear. Everything feels numb, the pressure is uncomfortable. Everything feels off. The few inches I've regained, feel like feet. My arms feel like they've been put in the Wolly Wobler Taffy Puller and my legs feel like jelly. It's alien. A familiar unpleasant feeling wretches my gut as I try to take a step. I need to sit down. 

The clothes I'm wearing are perfect for covering up the mess I'm dealing with. Thank you, past me for wearing oversized clothes before morphing for the girls' night. The ground underneath me feels unsteady as I make my way back to the front door of the Youth Center. 

I push myself through the door and see my friends again. This time, it feels less exciting. As Filia it was easier to interact with Summer and even do a little banter with Leo. At least Scott was smiling at me.  It was a big genuine smile that somehow managed to tap back into the girl's feelings and melt my heart. This is worth it. Seeing Scott happy is worth it. 

"Ryan! I thought you weren't feeling well?"

"Haha, I'm feeling a little wobbly on my feet but seeing you," I catch the words before I can finish embarrassing myself. "I mean y'all, it's worth it." I take the seat next to Scott, this time realising how much bigger I am. 

I pull out my phone. My usual distraction and possibly the best tool in an introverts tool kit.

Summer: So much for no feelings when you're a guy.

I give her a look from across the table. The meanest look I could muster. She gives me a concerned smile? What the heck?

"Anyway I'm sorry you missed her."

"Missed who?"

"Filia." 

"Oh well. Maybe another time." Stubble grazes my hand and I recoil. I've been too lax on shaving. I probably look disgusting after everything we'd done earlier to make me look cute. "Sorry I dipped after the anemobot attack." 

"It's okay, dude." Being called dude stung. I know he's not interested in me, but being called dude just reinforces it. He'll always see me as a dude as his bro. Thank the power this body doesn't cry. "Were you alright?"

"I was fine after I got home," I lie. Ziggy seems to be listening in on us while having a conversation with the other two. I don't need Ziggy figuring out I'm Filia either. 

"Good. I was worried."

"How did you get out?" I ask. Maybe this will throw them off.

"Dude, I fought like ten of them and you know I have my martial arts skills, then this girl showed up and helped me kick ass and she was cool and hot and powerful and then she disappeared. It was like a dream." So the feelings definitely carry over. They are just slightly duller. Which isn't helpful when my brain is trying to process the fact that he called Filia cool, hot and powerful and I could be her! He thinks she's cool.

"That's awesome." My face must be completely red. My phone buzzes. Another Text from Summer.

Summer: You all good. Need anything?

Ryan: I'm all good. He's just unbearably him.

Conversation starts back up as Summer and Ziggy drag Scott into some weird argument. I need to just catch up with everything. I'm so off balance. If I was on a tightrope I would fall to my death faster than you can say morph. I definitely like the idea of being with Scott, or more importantly Filia being with Scott. The idea of my stubble scratching against his face repulses me. I'm not homophobic I just don't want to kiss him as myself. I want to kiss him as Filia. I want him to touch her delicate face and lean in to plant a soft kiss on her--

"Anemobots everybody run!"