Lunar Shadows: Awaken

Kyran

Once I have expelled the grief I’ve carried for my entire life, my body feels lighter and I can sense a sort of peace settle within me. The thought of Sisu now feels like melancholic longing rather than the sharp stab of a knife it once did, and I’m okay with that for now. Rising to my feet, I wipe my face as I step through the arch and look into Selene’s concerned eyes.

She pulls me into a hug silently, holding me for a while until I lean back and let out a deep sigh. Selene threads her fingers through mine and nods her head to the side, taking a step away from me. I glance over at a plush swinging bench she conjured and give her a smile as we sit down together.

“You had asked me about my scar,” I state quietly, pulling the collar of my t-shirt down to show her. “It was from this night, from Sisu. I chose not to heal it because I wanted to keep a reminder for what I had done to him, as if I could ever forget,” I scoff and look up at the candles floating around us.

“Kyran, look at me,” Selene says seriously and I turn my head to face her, “Sisu’s death is not your fault. You are not to blame, your father is. Though it was your body that ended his life, your father used you like a tool to do his work for him. You were only a child, that is not a decision meant for you to have made, okay?” she speaks softly but firm, holding my gaze intensely.

I nod my head slowly as her words wash over me. “You’re right, Selene. I’ve always held guilt over his death, feeling like a monster for murdering my best friend. I have come to truly realize that my father is to blame for the fucked up mess that I became, not me. It wasn’t until a few decades ago did I come to understand that I could choose to be better, that I didn’t have to be the monster he created. I think I can finally forgive myself for this,” I say quietly and smile wondrously at my words.

The doorway before us disintegrates and blows away, showing me I have truly let go. Selene squeezes my hand and smiles warmly at me as I take a deep breath, feeling better for not harboring the heaviness any longer. Pushing the swing with my foot, we sit in silence for a little while and knowing I don’t have the luxury of taking my time with this, I pull another arch in front of us. I think about how this memory will hurt differently than the others but is equally as painful to feel. A realization creeps over me as I recall this moment in time and I have confidence I will surpass it more swiftly than the last two.

“This was the moment I watched my mother’s abduction. I arrived home just barely too late to make any difference and have carried the guilt of it since, always thinking I could have or should have done something to save her. I just realized now, though, that there was nothing I could have done to change it, based on how things were in my life at the time,” I say quietly as the scene silently runs in fast-forward through the smokey archway.

“I had separated from my pack for a while before she was taken, I was living in darkness for a long time after discovering my mate had died without meeting her and dealing with the fallout from Vala, as you now know,” I murmur, glancing at Selene. “I had been heavily involved in the Underground, which is a supernatural fighting ring basically, except where only one being leaves alive. It is a violent, nasty place to be and only the vilest of beings participate, the prize being a large sum of money from a betting pool. I had first been there because of my father, he wanted to display the power his pack held to intimidate the rogue wolves and other packs with my abilities. The Underground had become a sort of twisted addiction for me, the self-inflicted pain and torment of the fighting was like fuel to my fire, allowing my rage to unleash monstrously.” I take a breath, gritting my teeth with the memories.

“I had been there, that night, when I heard my father’s pleading mindlink to get home and how he needed my help to fend off the vampires. Believe it or not, there is a portal to the Underground in the center of town, every pack has one near the vicinity of their territory for easy access. Sometimes Alpha’s will recruit wolves or other beings from the Underground to work for them in various ways. You know that old dilapidated looking diner that sits in the middle of the shopping district? Yeah, that’s the portal, it has never been a real diner,” I laugh humorlessly at the thought.

“No way,” Selene’s eyes are wide as she absorbs everything I say, “that is wild! Um, if you don’t mind me asking, when was the last time you fought there?”

“Over a hundred years and I don’t have any intention of ever going back,” I say flatly with a shrug.

Sighing, I stand and Selene gets up as well, giving me an encouraging smile. We cross over to the arch and I step right through, expecting the despair that washes over me.

I’m sprinting across our field over hundreds of dead bodies, my eyes locked on my mother’s flying blonde hair as she is hauled over the shoulder of a large vampire. My father is swarmed as Einarr and Kara fight viciously to chase after our mother. I whine as I see my sister fall, pounding my paws into the earth harder to reach them. Einarr tears the vampire who killed our sister in half and keeps going toward the group of vampires running away. I cannot bring myself to look away from my mother’s limp body dangling over the vampire as they disappear into the woods when I hear Einarr’s sharp howl of pain.

I follow the scent trail as far as I can for miles until it vanishes, as if they left earth entirely. I circled the woods for hours, searching for any kind of clue as to which direction they could have gone. My father’s distant howl pulls me back toward home and when I arrive, I stop short at the sight of my dead siblings. If only I could’ve—

I shake my head and pull out of the memory, reversing it to the beginning and watch it like a movie. No, there is nothing I could have done differently, I did what I was able to do. Although I am unsure about my brother, I know Kara died honorably, defending our family and her death would be something she would’ve been proud of. I cannot blame myself for her loss, nor my brother’s. Thinking about my mother as I watch her capture, I feel the grief of her loss and bow my head. Whatever it was that she had endured, I hope her death was a reprieve for her. I trust she would know that I would’ve done everything and anything to prevent this from happening if I could have, and that’s what matters most. My love for her will never disappear and I have sought out and enacted vengeance on those who were responsible that day, all except for Caedes now.

Opening my eyes, I watch as the scene slowly fades away from me as I accept the past for what it is. I will always carry my mother with me and I cannot blame myself for things happening that were entirely out of my control. Life just fucking sucks like that sometimes.

I step out of the archway holding the memory of killing my father as it blows away behind me. His death at my hands formed a festering illness inside me since most of my mental shit had been essentially tied up with him. Killing him had been a mercy since he was berserk and it was also a curse upon me, because I used it as my way of punishing him for everything he caused me. I acted out of anger and spite, not through mercy for his life. Harboring that ill will toward him pushed all of this shit deep down inside me instead of being released upon his death. I don’t think I could ever truly forgive him for what he had done to me through my life, but in a twisted way I can understand where he was coming from in choosing to do so. With that understanding came the ability to let go of the burden I’ve carried for so long, of the immense pain I never let myself validate or feel through.

Selene’s gentle touch pulls me out of my thoughts and I sigh, feeling extremely worn out. I look at the last remaining archway and smile, knowing I don’t have to enter it for me to move past it for good. I glance down at her as she looks up at me patiently and I brush my fingers over her cheek.

“This was the moment I got my mark, when I learned the truth of losing my real mate and Vala’s deception. It was an extremely distressing moment when I had gone through it, full of despair and remorse, grief and anger. This was the essential breaking point for me, the final straw that really sent me over the edge. I didn’t see a point to my life anymore, I wanted to die after this. I think that was a huge reason why I went to the Underground, I had hoped someone would be able to do what I couldn’t bring myself to do. Everything I had endured before could have been worth it if I met my mate and could be loved by her. When that got ripped away from me, I felt that my life held no meaning, no purpose.” My voice drifts as the despair I’d lived with for so long rises to the surface for the last time and I swallow thickly, taking a calming breath and letting it go.

“I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t have to go in there because that pain no longer exists within me. I’m standing here with you as you have literally held my hand through what I thought would never happen. My healing. I feel lighter than I ever have, I feel free now, Selene, thanks to you. If not for you, I would still be going around the endless cycle over and over until I died and I can finally say that cycle has been broken. You have given me my life back and it has meaning. I have people I care for who care for me, I have my family and my pack, and you, if you’ll have me,” I murmur as my heart beats heavily in my chest with my emotions.

“Now you know my dark truths. You have witnessed the ugliest parts of me, of what I’ve done, and I will not deny that I chose wrongly when I had the choice to do good in my life. I chose to remain the same, even though I could’ve changed for the better. So here I stand now, accepting who I am, and I bare my raw self to you, if you’ll have me. Even if you won’t, I honestly understand and I will always be grateful for the time I’ve had with you and for the immeasurable help you have given me to forgive myself. To truly heal,” I shed a tear and smile as I cup her beautiful face.

“Thank you, Selene,” I whisper on a breath, “you do not have to answer right now. I want you to take as much time as you need. Just know that I will always be here, no matter wh—”

Diamonds fly from her eyes and she leaps up, crashing into me as she wraps herself around my body and kisses me deeply. I hold her tightly and kiss her back passionately, more intensely than any I’ve had before. Her fingers dig into the back of my head as her soft lips glide over mine and I feel like I’m flying, Selene’s touch like electricity shooting tingles to every inch of me. She gasps against my mouth and I open my eyes, seeing we are surrounded by thousands of glittering stars.

I glance down when Selene does, seeing the floating candles hovering below us and I realize we are flying. I laugh deeply and bury my face into her neck, kissing her velvet skin and making her shiver against me with a sigh. Keeping an arm locked around her waist, I caress her back and run my hand up through her hair as I slowly kiss along her jaw and work my way to her mouth once more. We remain here for a while, floating in the night sky and holding each other tightly.

When Selene leans back, her mouth is swollen and flush, the rosy color matching her cheeks as she meets my gaze. I grin widely and kiss her nose, pulling her legs from around me and cradling her closely to my chest. She bites her lip and smiles back at me, resting her head on my shoulder as I descend to the ground. My legs feel shaky beneath me, an entirely strange sensation and I finally understand the old saying of ‘weak at the knees’ and huff a laugh at the thought. Sitting on the bench swing, I set Selene down in my lap and gently sway, feeling completely at peace for the first time in my life.

After a few moments I reach out and touch Valdr’s bond, feeling his presence immediately.

Is everything alright, do you need to come back? He asks instantly.

I’m fine actually, more than alright. I’m wondering how much longer we have in here? I want to try to get Selene’s memories unlocked before Asteria has no energy left, I respond in a rush.

I wait for a few heartbeats, assuming Valdr is speaking with either Asteria or Hekate and I smile at Selene’s curious expression. I wonder if I make a face while talking with Valdr and am about to ask her when he responds back.

She is doing okay, though you have about a third of the time left that you’ve used, if that helps. I will come back to warn you before she pulls you out, he informs me and I feel his presence fade away.

“Hey, I just reached out to Valdr, we don’t have much time. Do you still want to try to find your memories of your past life, before your stasis?” I ask her and she nods her head enthusiastically.

“Yes! Let’s go,” she chirps, pushing out of my lap and grabbing my hand as she stands. “Wait, how do I find that?” she asks, turning around.

Chuckling, I reply, “think of inside your mind, where you can recall people, places, or events and envision something that can depict that energy. For your case, you might be able to feel the blocked area of your memory and if you focus on that, maybe your subconscious can manifest it for us to explore,” I prompt, watching her face as she closes her eyes.

She squeezes my hand as her eyebrows bunch together and a frown pulls her mouth down before our field vanishes and a forest appears. Enormous trees stand around us blocking out the sky and I can hear loud wind and crashing water not far away. Curious, I glance at Selene and she just shrugs, looking around at the woods before us. I feel drawn to the trees and reach my hand out to brush the trunk nearest me. The bark glows at my touch and I can see a younger Asteria running around with their dogs at the cottage and can hear Selene’s laughter as she sprays them with a hose. I smile and withdraw my hand, turning to Selene.

“These trees are your active memories. This is a beautiful way to picture your long term memory,” I murmur, looking around us again.

I notice how the trees vary greatly in type and wonder how that correlates with her memories, thinking about how each type could either be parts of her life representing different people and things within them. Selene tugs on my hand and I follow her, walking closer to the waters I heard when we arrived. Within moments we break out of the forest line and I gasp loudly at the same time as Selene, not believing what I am seeing in front of us.

A high cliff stretches before us with a rocky face and at the edge sits a large cage with a bright golden cord threading around the bars, disappearing into the ether above it. Within the cage is Luna, her pure white fur coat beaming like moonlight as she paces around in circles. She is absolutely magnificent. Our eyes meet and she goes stark still for a breath before thrashing against the bars, the entire cage rattling but remains intact. I cannot wait for Valdr to meet her, he is going to lose his mind, I wonder with awe. She is breathtaking and I grin widely at the sight of her, turning to share the excitement with Selene.

Her face is not turned upward toward her wolf, however. Her eyes are wide and her lips are slightly parted as she stares out below us. I rest my hand against her back and quickly follow her line of sight to a dark, churning ocean with large waves that crash angrily against the shore, white froth spraying into the air and in the distance I see a tiny island with something shining on it. I can sense fear and anguish around me as I focus on the raging ocean.

“Selene, what is it? Look at me. Selene,” I say sharply, stepping in front of her.

She blinks and her eyes flick to mine, filled with tears. Harsh wind whips her hair around as she shakes her head and bites her lip, her tears dripping down her cheeks. I cup her face gently and look into her eyes, seeing the fear rising up behind them.

“I think this—this ocean is from…Bolvi,” she whispers on a sob, pressing her hand to her mouth.

I take her hands in mine tightly and raise my voice over the lashing wind, “We can try to go to Luna if you’d prefer, but there is something out there in that water, and it seems important to be surrounded by this ocean. I am here with you, no matter what, Selene, in any way you need me to be, okay? You do not have to go in there. We can talk about this if you’d like or leave to come back another time when you are prepared. Whatever you choose, know I will be by your side, always,” I speak firmly as my deep voice booms with the crashing waves.

She nods her head and steps aside, raising her hands to her face for a moment to collect herself. I clasp my hands with concern and watch as she turns to look out at the stormy waters with so much pain on her face. “I…I don’t think I’m ready to face this. Not yet. I’ve been silently fighting this…this agony for a while, trying to just move on with my life and leave this shit behind,” she whispers raggedly, shaking her head as she takes a step backward.

She looks over her shoulder at me with a deep despair in her eyes as she reaches her hand out for mine and I immediately take a step toward her. The moment I raise my arm to take her hand, a monstrous wave rises up, swallowing Selene and rips me off of my feet as it pulls her into the ocean. I hear her terrified screams as they disappear beneath the water and without any hesitation, I scramble forward, diving over the edge after her.