I Unknowingly Rejected My Favorite

People whispered while looking our way.

But that wasn’t the problem here.

The problem was my girlfriend started crying pitifully.

Flustered by her sudden action, I first tried to grab her hand.

“Doah.”

“Let go... Uheung...”

She was sobbing like a child.

I thought about talking more here, but the gazes of the other people around bothered me, so I got up from my chair, went next to her and bent down.

“What about we go outside, get some fresh air while we talk?”

Ah, yeah, right… It was cold…

I was panicked when I said it, but yeah, that was a hella bad move.

“What about… we talk about this at home…?”

Gently rubbing her shoulder, I succeeded in getting her up somehow and quickly returned the tray to the counter, then took her outside.

“It’s cold...”

I hesitated.

If I were to take off my coat here, I’d definitely look like a crazy dude.

The temperature hadn’t dropped below zero but it was close to zero.

I only wore a thin long-sleeved shirt underneath, so I had to make a decision quickly.

Ugh, you know what? Whatever.

-Slide

I took off my coat and wrapped it around Doah’s shoulders.

My coat was quite long, so she almost looked like a child wearing her dad’s clothes.

“...Oppa?”

Having stopped crying, she looked up at me with red bloodshot eyes.

“So, are you still feeling cold?”

It had only been a couple of seconds since I took it off, but my body was already shivering.

“Wait. Aren’t you wearing too little?”

Hearing her worried words, I put my hand on top of her head, pretending that I was fine.

“Nah, this much is fine for me.”

“Stop, I’ll be fine. Put it back on, Oppa.”

As she tried to take it off again and hand it to me, I grit my teeth and stopped her lovely hands.

“Just wear it.”

I spoke out as forcefully as possible, as a response, she nodded and we walked up the slope to go back home.

Ah, fuck, I can’t take this.

“Sorry, but can we walk a bit faster?”

Guess not everyone could just pull off a cool image, huh?

* * *

The two of us arrived home safely.

I could feel my frozen body slowly warming up, but I couldn’t say the same for things between us.

Doah sat on the bed with a cold expression.

Meanwhile, I sat across from her in the gaming chair.

The room was enveloped in a heavy silence, no sign of a warm atmosphere could be felt.

“Um.”

I tried to utter the reason why she might have been upset.

“Do you dislike it when I constantly talk only about Luka?”

Nod nod

Her small gesture let me know my guess was correct.

While I got the reason right, handling it was a different matter.

Because we needed to reach a point of agreement.

“So, why do you dislike it?”

Doah’s…

Luka’s song was great and it made me happy, so why did she feel hurt by it?

I really thought that it was an occasion that we should celebrate together.

CLOSER’s fans gave the song tremendous praises, not to mention the Pink Army.

That was why I thought if I were to express those emotions to her, she’d celebrate it with me.

“...Because she isn’t me.”

Her voice trembled slightly.

Then, her eyes began to moisten up, as if they were about to burst into tears again.

“You don’t know how you look, do you, Oppa?”

“I… sometimes… No, not even sometimes. A lot. I got scared…”

“...thinking that maybe you actually have no interest in the person Kim Doah.”

Taking a short breath, words filled with her deep emotions were endlessly directed at me.

“Most of the things you talk about on our dates are about Luka.”

“Like how the last stream went, how good the model looked, how she seemed to have great chemistry with this person and that person on collabs.”

“If you’re always so focused only on those things, then...”

Doah’s hand weakly grabbed my knee.

“...When will you actually look at me?”

A clear teardrop fell down from her lowered face.

And I, who had been silently watching her, closed my eyes.

“To you, I was probably...”

These were the words I couldn’t say out loud because they were too cheesy and embarrassing.

“...just a handsome sunbae passing by. But…”

It seemed like the right time to say it.

“To me, Luka was…”

“...a home.”

Doah wore an expression that seemed to say that she didn’t understand, so I calmly explained my reason to her.

“You’ve probably noticed it during our time together. I don’t have any friends.”

“I barely talked to anyone at school and always ate alone.”

“But, you know... How can a human live alone?”

“Being by yourself is so lonely and cold.”

“But whenever I watch you at home…”

I reached out and wiped away her tears.

“I can bear with everything.”

I wasn’t lonely at all.

Every day was so enjoyable.

Laughing with other Pink Army, making clips while playing around, all those things made me happy.

I never felt envious when I saw parties filled with the scent of alcohol or clubs filled with thick cigarette smoke.

“You were right, maybe I was a bit too excessive.”

But still…

That shouldn’t be a reason for me to hurt her.

“It’s just, I talked about Luka a lot because I liked her so much. I’m sorry.”

Thinking that maybe she’d forgive me if I explained this far, I opened my arms. She, too, silently spread her arms, embracing me.

“...I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“I’m… sorry.”

I wonder how long did we spend like this?

As I slowly released the strength in my arms and looked down at her, our eyes met.

It was a little awkward to say this, but her slightly swollen face, due to her crying for so long, and her reddened eyes made her look even cuter.

“...Luka.”

She mentioned Miss Luka, who she said wasn’t the same person as she was.

“It’s okay to talk about her, but...”

My girlfriend dragged out the end of her sentence.

Actually, I expected her to say something like, From now on, don’t bring up Luka in front of me while we’re on a date, so this was good news for me.

I didn’t know what she would say next, but I just nodded my head for the time being.

“Just don’t do it too much, so I don’t get jealous.”

Doah held out her pinky to me.

“Promise me. Talk more about me when we’re together.”

She took out her pinky, but I couldn’t help but find this matter amusing.

Like, both people were you.

Why were you getting jealous of yourself?

“Okay, I promise.”

After we stamped our thumbs together, Doah let go of my hand.

I sneakily went into the bed and wrapped my hand around her waist. She didn’t seem to mind as she leaned closer towards me.

“I’ve been wondering for a while.”

“Wondering for what?”

“You know, you said it earlier.”

It would’ve been nice if she had told me beforehand that she wanted to know more about me.

Why was she holding back?

“Yeah?”

“When did you stop getting along with others?”

Okay, now I understand why she was so hesitant.

That question could end up digging someone else’s painful past.

To some extent, that was actually the case for me.

“...Back in middle school.”

“In middle school?”

“Yeah.”

“Why? Did something happen?”

“Yeah.”

There was no way I would have resented my appearance from the beginning.

When I was young, I liked it when people called me cool. Back in grade school, I was secretly proud when I heard that I was ranked first in popularity polls.

“I had someone I considered a really close friend.”

“Okay.”

“You know, those kinds of friends that are always with you from preschool through grade school? Yeah, I’m talking about that.”

“...It wasn’t a girl, right?”

When Doah slightly wiggled her eyebrows anxiously, I shook my head.

“No, it was a boy. His name was Park Jinho.”

“Okay, so?”

“We went to the same middle school and I still got along well with him. Eventually a group centered around both of us was formed.

“But when puberty hits… Well, the time when boys and girls started to feel attracted to one another…”

It was a story that made my head ache even when I was thinking about it now.

Haaa... Seriously...

Seeing Doah’s perking up her ears to listen, I had no choice but to say it.

“The girl Jinho liked confessed to me.”

The saying that first love was like a fever wasn’t for nothing.

Jinho really really liked that girl, asked me for advice, and tried to approach her.

But the result was a disaster.

I, who tried to help Jinho, ended up becoming a traitor who had stolen his friend’s girl, and Jinho never forgave me for that.

Now that I was an adult, I wondered if it really had to turn out that way.

We were fifteen years old. Middle school students.

Both of us were too young to understand such things.

“So what happened?”

“Well… I got cursed at. A lot.”

It would probably be best if I were to stop at that.

The reality was much more cruel than that.

“But you didn’t do anything wrong, Oppa. Were you even guilty of something?”

To Doah, who was getting angry as if it were her own business, there was only one thing I could say.

One unfortunate thing.

“There is. Why wouldn’t there be? It’s just…”

“The sin of being handsome.”

***

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