Him and i - Dreams of trauma

Darkness. It gave me birth, and it gives me death. i came from darkness and to darkness i return. The first thing i saw and the last i will ever see. But please, just please, don't tell me, this is going to be the only thing i'll see from now on, forever. i don't want to live an eternity, not like this. Shouldn't i just go into oblivion right now? Into non-existence? Or just pass…something, to something? Maybe just get into heaven or hell or Valhalla, the underworld, something. Anything. At least to forget everything, to reborn. To get another chance…

Maybe i already did it, and this is my conscience, my memories that stay. But i'm not getting born. Nothing is happening. Why am i not dying already?! i feel nothing from my old self, but the thoughts still linger. i don't want them anymore. i want them to stop! i want to disappear! Something to happen!

"Tell Me who your friends are."

"What?"

It's the same voice. As if i could encounter any other, especially now, at the end. The voice that kept following me all this time. Him.

"Tell Me who your friends are."

"Who my friends are? Who are…? Why do You care? What do You want with them? Isn't it enough? Torturing me?! What do You want from them?! What more do You want from me?!"

Let me die.

"Tell Me who your…"

"i don't know. Who are they? Tell me who are they? You tell me, who are my friends!?"

"I can't. Tell Me who…"

"George?! It's good?! George! George! Does it help You?! Are You happy?!"

"George. He's a good friend?"

"Yes, he's a good friend."

"George."

"He's the best friend."

"The best."

"The best…"

i don't know why i said George's name. He's the first one i thought of. i don't know what's happening. i just want it to end. Just for me. i don't want anything more to happen with my friends. With my family.

"Good."

Good what? What's happening?

"Hey! Good what?! What do You want to do?!"

He's gone. Left me alone in my silence. Only the silence answers me back, and answers me through the echoes of my own words. Echoes that aren't going silent, just quieter, but not here, in my mind. It's too quiet, i have to hear something or i'll go mad.

Maybe i'll find the answer. As if i know. What do i know? i know nothing, i know not how to escape, i know not what to do. i know not…

A series of images appear in front of my eyes. i'm not imagining them, but i'm not seeing them either, per se, with my own eyes. They are somehow projected directly in my brain, they're not passing through my eyes or the optic nerves. They're born in my brain, the images. With margins, left and right. Like a picture put in the middle of the frame, smaller than the frame. i see it as looking at the cinema screen, lit screen in the middle of black. i'm visualising a film of pictures.

First appears the cemetery, where i was, but it's night. i'm watching it from somewhere up, from a building. Then appears a boy, a girl, more kids running. Then i see just three kids and the tomb. Then the interior of the tomb. Face of a man. Then his face on fire.

Then i see light, darkness, and the earth. The empty earth, then full of animals, then full of animals and humans and then the old woman. The old woman from the dream. The tower, scared people, people killing people, huge flames, explosions, and different huge natural disasters. And deaths, so many dead people. i see the moon, i see the hag talking with the moon, i see the hag with her mouth sewed ears cut and eyes gouged. i see the community, i see civilization, we're in present, i see myself, Sarah, George, Matt, my family.

Then there's a blue light, a bright light that flickers. i see cops, family and doctors. i see an ambulance. i see a cop yelling at me, screaming at me, making faces. i see doctors. Groups of doctors, or just one by one, but never the same. Until i see the last one. He's good, nice, behind him there's a shadow, shaped as a child, he holds His hand.

Then i see darkness, and in the darkness a white line, in the middle, a line that grows from bottom up and seems that it still grows even after it passes the end. The white line grows sideways until it covers the whole image. And after, a multitude of white photos rewinding one after the other, faster and faster.

Now it's Sarah. When i first saw her at the college. The images start rewinding even faster in front of me. i'm with Sarah in bed, it was the first night when… Then i'm with her again, another night, running, behind her was that shadow again, looking like holding her pinned down. i see myself. i'm in bed, sleeping, dreaming, i'm having a nightmare.

i'm with George when he threw the phone. i'm with Matt…when he still was on fire. Again appears the man with the face on fire. i'm with Sarah when i ignored her. i'm with George, jumps on me with the knife. i'm in the cemetery again. i'm in the tomb. i'm in the dungeons. i'm in the car. i'm in front of the hearse. i'm in the field. i'm between the car wreckages. i'm crushed. i'm dead. i. Am dead.

 *

i start feeling my hair being moved by a gust of wind. i feel my hair, i start feeling my body, and with it the wind that's touching my skin. How good it feels. And it's not just because i can feel again. Actually, it is, it's just because i can feel again. i can feel again, means i'm not dead, i didn't die. In front of me lies the same image. But it's not static, like a photograph. It's not projected on the brain from an unknown source. It's in front of my eyes. Margins are gone. The image came back to normal. i see. i see my eyebrows, my nose, my lips.

i feel my body, but i don't feel the ground i'm laying my feet on. i step on it and feel no pressure on my soles. my chest instead, hurts terribly. As if i am bruised on the whole frontal part of the torso, and even more so, on a smaller diagonal line on the frontal torso. i feel a pressure on the entire right side of my body. A weak pressure. And i feel an immense pain laying inside my body, my whole body, but it's dormant, hidden by the numbness that covers my whole body. i'm afraid that it might just disappear, this numbness, and i'll quickly be in a world of pain, or maybe even the smallest touch, would trigger it.

i feel wet. Wet, but just on one side of the body. The side that it rains on. How strange, i didn't notice until now, but it rains, and it rains only on my left side of the body. It rains with blood drops. On my right it's sunny, clear. The rain drops fall horizontal, parallel with the ground, and hit only my left side of the body. i turn to see how the hell… i can't find the source of this rain, the drops just appear out of nowhere.

my head hurts so bad, but i was in an ugly accident so… At least i survived. i feel like i should've been covered in blood now, and have open wounds everywhere, bruises, broken bones. And a beautiful angel above me, watching me kindly. But i have nothing more than what i just discovered by now. i got off easy. i look at my hands, not one scratch. The clothes are clean, no spots or marks. The blood drops that rain on me are not leaving stains, but just make me feel wet.

my hearing comes back. Only now i realize how all this chaos created no noise for me, until now. i see a small group of firemen, running desperately towards the wreckage, carrying vehicle extraction tools. i forgot about the guy from the hearse, he must be at least in the same state as me, or worse. Dad's SUV is sturdy and safe, but that hearse…

It's odd how everybody runs around me chaotically, uncoordinated, and completely uninterested in my state. i feel as if i'm not part of this painting, being so calm and static. Maybe i'm a ghost… Hah, that's a good one. i can feel my body, strangely, but i can feel it, so therefore i'm not dead. But even if i don't look that bad, but actually even untouched by the accident, shouldn't i at least be just a little looked after? The car i came out of looks horrible, wrapped, mutilated. Maybe i have a concussion or something?

But i did woke up outside of my car, and was already on my feet when i got back to my senses. Maybe they already consulted me and found nothing wrong. i'm still in shock so everything must seem heavily distorted. But i don't feel in shock. i don't remember being checked on and that makes me concerned. Maybe i wasn't conscious. Should i go to the ambulance? i look at the medics, they are very alert and occupied, preparing the stretcher and moving frantically, i don't want to disturb them. Especially when there's just only one ambulance yet.

i get closer to the firemen, to my car. my car is the only wreck from the field. Where did the hearse disappear? i don't see it anywhere. And what are the firemen doing around my car?

"Hey! i was alone in my car. There was nobody else with me! Search for the hearse."

They can't hear me from all the noise the equipment does. They still try to open up my car. Why aren't they going to the hearse?! Where the hell is that damn hearse?!

i get even closer to them. Carefully to not step on the metal sharp and pointy parts of the car that are spread around everywhere. They manage to open the door. It's the passenger door. A fireman goes inside and tries to pull out something. What are you…there's no one else…

i see them pulling out a body from the car and placing it incredibly careful on the ground, as if it's very fragile and they don't want to break it. It was a soft, motionless, lifeless body. It was a corpse. mine.

It's me. And i'm dead. It happened. i wanted this. i wished this. i willed it. And my wish came true. That saying, be careful of what you wish for. i wasn't careful. From all the things i wished for. From all my aspirations and ambitions. From all my dreams and wishes. This one… So many things i wished from life and from myself. They weren't listened to, but one time, one moment of weakness, and this moment comes true? Are you fucking with me?! And me, what happens with me?! Where am i?! What am i?! i'm dead. Am i dead?

"Am i dead?!"

god, death, darkness, whomever i talked to until now. Who talked to me until now?!

"Are you fucking with me?!"

Everybody stops suddenly from whatever they were doing. Even the firemen that were dragging my corpse. All. Stop and turn their eyes on me. my body, lifeless body, he turns his head to me. he looks with those empty and soulless eyes, at me. he opens his full of blood mouth from which even more blood pours out now, even though behind him, on the ground, in the car, and on him is more blood than there should be in a human body. And all of those people, and my body, with their mouths open, say in unison.

"i wished this, don't forget."

his face, so much despair, pain, sadness. It's the face of a man that accepted his death. my death. i cover my eyes. To see him not anymore. To see myself not anymore. But it's too late. i already have his image engraved in my mind. i will forget not.

i did this to myself. It didn't happen to me. It wasn't a random event, a curse, or bad luck. Nobody did wrong by me, nobody killed me. Through my wish, actually, through my moment of weakness… i've committed an act of suicide. Willingly. Not by mistake. i chose the easiest path to escape my problems.

And now i'm left just a corpse, a ghost, and a memory. And this seems to be my fate, this seems to be my punishment, to be left all these things, here, on earth. This is my hell. For the most atrocious sin, for the most unintentional mistake. It seems that this is how i'll pay.

my body is quickly taken to the ambulance that instantly leaves, with the sirens on, to Bucharest. i don't know why, but i felt the need to get in the ambulance myself. Like a good friend that gets in the ambulance with his injured friend to be sure he gets all the help he needs, i too stay along my body to be sure… i don't even know what i'm doing here, i'm sicken to be so close to him. i guess i'll just take this quick ride back to the city.

So pale, stained in so many different undertones, looking like a modernist painting. i feel i can hear the critique, describing the image i'm having in front of my eyes. 'The artist wanted to capture the first phases of human body degradation, and the contrast between the pure white representing actually life in the leaving, and the brutal stains of blood, engine oil, and even dirt, representing death, shows us the eternal fight between life and death in which the victor is always the dirt. The dirt clearly represents the soil from which we are born, and to which we return when the moment comes. By this reason, the pieces of dirt were drawn as if they appeared spontaneously and as if they aren't supposed to be there, and this is the magic of it. They appeared to claim the dead in the name of the soil. The fight is lost, nature won, as always.'

i'm getting sick. i didn't got in this ambulance with the hope of being saved, or from concern for my body. Even though, the medics still try to resuscitate me, with the defibrillator, with their empty hands, with their strong wills. my body is put through brutal shocks. i'm hearing the ribs cracking and breaking, i feel my chest being hit by a sledgehammer without stop. i…

i didn't got in for this, i got in just to not have to walk all the way to Bucharest. i don't want to see these kinds of explicit images. i don't even care what happens with the dead from now on. It's history. i still exist, and because i exist here, i know already that i can't go back there. Now i just need to find out why.

The medic of the ambulance finally stops, the line that kept announcing my death for the past half hour stops suddenly when the nurse turns off the machines.

"Time of death, 18:49."

The doctor was looking at the watch, nurse was writing it down. The two of them turn suddenly to me and talk at the same time.

"your time is up now, now what will you do with the rest of your time?"

i back out, touch the doors of the ambulance and grab the handle, ready to open the doors and jump out. my heart is fighting for life, shocks go through all my body, and i'm shaking like i'm tumbling down on a slope. Then it suddenly stops. i hold my breath to look at them closely. But they're just doing their jobs, not paying attention to me or my body at all. Nothing actually happened? i don't know… i start breathing again, gasping for air, fighting to get it into my lungs, but soon, air comes itself in without any help, and i calm down, to my normal self. my normal dead self. Even my heartbeats calm down, strangely quick, and this feeling of my heart beating, gives me an impression of something new, like i, for some time, forgot how to pump blood with my heart.

i'm calm. i'm calm. i look at the doctor and nurse, they're back to their usual tasks as if nothing happened. But that's their job, they deal with these things daily, it would be terrible for them if they'd be affected every time someone died. But it still annoys me.

i'm…dead… i don't like this. i…i see a billboard outside the window, with an Ad, just some white writing on a black background, it stands out in the middle of the day, in the middle of the light blue sky. It says:

'you want to get out quick and painless and then live happily ever after?

Say yes, say yes, say yes.'

Yes?

"you have to sign a contract with Me, give Me your total control, control over your body, control over your life, control over yourself, forever. And I shall take over, your miserable life, and make it easier for you, make it happier for you, make it better, so you can enjoy it, from behind, from the spectator's seat. Let Me, take everything that pains you away. Say yes, say yes, say yes."

This jingle sounds so strange and creepy in His voice. i don't trust Him. i don't like Him. No…

"No."

"Fine, have it the hard way then."

 *

The ambulance arrives at the hospital. It's time for me to get out of the car, calm, and be on my way. Like a passenger that gets out of the bus when it arrives at the destination. i'm not going to interest anymore, in the body or it's fate, i have to forget it and leave it be. i can't change the fate. It's sealed. i walk away and put one step in front of the other just, nothing more or less. i don't know where. i don't know how to start.

i'll start with a walk, i'm already doing this anyway. i wander, on the long sidewalk, serene, like in any other sunny summer evening. Evening seems nearly the end, but the sun still fights to stay up on the sky, and so, his rays still warm up everything through a simple touch. But i remain cold, i'm not cold…i don't think i'll ever be cold again, nor warm. The rays go through me, without touching me, not warming me, and this saddens me. It's a joy i won't ever be able to feel again. A warmth that i won't feel anymore.

But on the other side, i notice that since i started wandering, nobody hit me, i wasn't touched, pushed, or shoved by people. They went right through me, and i through them. This gives me a sense of…loneliness, but it's a beautiful loneliness… To be able to walk around, unhindered by anybody. To not have to side-step and go around people that don't know how to walk or just exist around others… Or to have to stop at traffic lights. Or to be ashamed by something i did, or be watched by someone. It's perfect to not have to do or be all of these. This huge spotlight that was always shining down on me, is completely gone. i'm invisible, and no more so self aware. And free of any prejudices. Free, but at what price?

Before me, the traffic light changes into red before i get to cross over. But it's just for the pedestrians. All stop like sheep and wait obediently while the big bad scary wolfs pass in front of them at unnatural speeds. i'm not a sheep anymore, nor a wolf, i'm more than that, i don't stop at all, i just pass through the crowd and cross the boulevard.

Even though i step on the zebra with all my confidence, i can't just not look to my left, at all the cars that come after me at those insane speeds, at all the drivers' faces that have no clue they're about to hit me. i can't help but startle and jump at any car passing through me, and even flinch or twitch after enough passed that should've made me get used to. No. After i relax, after a hundred cars passed already through me, my heart still skips a beat, before each passing car. It's scary. But i get used to, after a few minutes, after a few hundred more cars. And so i discover the beauty of wandering around in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by this world that i'm not part of. It's so calm.

i want to go check the old apartment, where my body used to live. For the time being i don't know what to do, and i don't know what's going on. So, i need to find out what's going on, but i don't know where to start from. Maybe an idea will pop up on my way. i need a push, a place from where to start my adventure. Each adventure starts in one place, and i need to find it, my place. i need to find my role, my purpose in all this. Where do i find more information?

i go to the closest metro station and down the stairs. On the platform, the train was waiting for me, in fact, it was waiting for everybody to finish getting in. It was bursting at the seams, and people kept getting in, struggling to not be pushed back out. i head towards one door, and go in through the people as if they weren't there. Everybody is standing, stuck one to another, but i don't suffer from overcrowding. i'm touched by no one, i could even sit down, but it would be odd to sit on someone else, or through someone else.

i don't know why i needed to take the public transport in the first place. Probably i could've got back to my apartment much faster, through other means, but i don't know yet what i'm capable of doing, and what limits this new body has. It's clearly that i gained new abilities following the transformation. i don't know the new limits of the state i'm in right now, the new abilities that i posses right now, and i don't want to test them, yet. i have to focus on something else now.

i have to focus on motive. Everything happening to me now is a big unknown, and every human being is most afraid of the unknown. This is the reason why i don't want to…i don't have the courage to do anything more than walk and pass through people, and now cars. With this, i got used to, probably i can pass through anything, thing that i don't know how actually works taking in consideration that now, i'm not falling through the train's floor. And i'm so happy that i'm not falling.

The train arrives at my station, i walk up to surface and start walking slowly towards the apartment. i'm not too eager to see them. i don't want to meet them at all. Even if they can't see me at all, to watch them continuing their daily activities not knowing that i'm dead, or worse, to see them suffering because of me, being dead. To see them finding out what happened… i never saw them crying until now, and i don't want to. i don't want to be there when they get the news.

i arrive in front of the building, it's quiet, everything is so calm, as if this part of the world hasn't been affected yet by my death. i get in the elevator, get out, head to the apartment and unlock the door. i don't knock, i don't wait to listen at the door, i just open it and step in. All made from reflex, as if i'm just getting back from school or something, in a usual day. But it's not a usual day. Inside, i take only one step, and stop to listen if anybody is in. i hear nobody, so i start walking through the rooms to check, house is empty. It shouldn't be at this hour.

i go to the kitchen and make something to eat, still out of reflex. Even if i'm not hungry, i'm waiting, i don't know for what, so this seems the best thing to do meanwhile. i don't know what else to do. Usually when i don't have something to do, i make myself something to eat so when i have work i won't be hungry. But hunger is no more a problem for me, since the…

While i prepare myself a sandwich, i notice how my actions, even if not seen or felt, leave marks, traces of what i did. The table is filled with crumbs, the bread is not in its place anymore, and the lunch meats are also spread on the table. If my parents get back and notice…i can't let that happen. i quickly place everything back in their place and then i clean the table. After i finish making everything back to how it was, i get out on the balcony to eat my sandwich.

The dark reddish sky reminds me of the accident. The sun is gone, and there's not much until it gets dark. i feel a kind and soft breeze, strange, since i've got up in the ambulance, i haven't felt anything, and i don't feel anything now on my skin. i just see the hangings around me waving from the wind, my clothes too, and this created that feeling. i imagine now just what i'd feel if i could be affected by this… i realize that the hangings' movement is caused by an airstream, i throw the sandwich that i didn't even got a bite from, out the window and get back in the kitchen.

i hear the entrance door squeaking and closing, jump instantly through the wall and land in the living room. i know they can't see me, but i don't want to see them. i can't. i run quickly to the wardrobe and get in. i hear mum entering the living room, light steps, short and fast. The steps are getting closer to the wardrobe and stop. Of course, they just got home, they have to change their clothes… i back out, through the wall and stay there in the wall.

i shouldn't be able to see anything, but i can see everything. i can see what the walls are seeing, i see the kitchen, and the living room at the same time. Dad is still in the foyer, and mum is right in front of the wardrobe that's blocking my view, fortunately. i hear heavy and slower steps coming towards the kitchen. No, i can't, the wardrobe door closes, the shadow from the foyer closes in. i can't see them. i put my hand and cover my eyes and get out through the kitchen, pass probably straight through my father, and through the entrance door outside.

i escaped. i lean back on the apartment door and raise my hand to my forehead. i exhale. Until just now i've held my breath, my heart is in pain, not physically though, it can't be. i want to cry. i'm overwhelmed. Just overwhelmed. i drag some chunks of air in my lungs to get a hold of myself and lower my sight.

In front of me is a cop, holding a notebook in his hand. He's looking straight at me, at my eye level, at the same level the apartment number is placed on the door. He reaches with his hand towards me, he wants to knock, but his hand gets stuck mid air. He retreats his hand. It's hard for him, he probably doesn't know what to say, how to say it. He's young, he's new probably. i think it's his first time. He's doing nothing, stunned from fear.

"Don't worry, it's my first time too."

Not the circumstance in which i thought i'd say this… i grab the door handle and pull hard towards me. Our door doesn't close fully without pushing hard enough, and dad always forgets, and to close it well you have to pull or push hard enough so that the latch bolt gets fully in, and sometimes, when there are strong winds, airstreams push on the door, and close it fully making a loud noise. The cop jumps at hearing this noise, my parents too, i hear steps coming from inside. The cop too takes a deep breath in, and gets ready to deliver the news.

i hear the door handle moving, i can't stay here. i run and jump trough the elevator's door. Funny. The cop used the other elevator to get here, and for me, after the elevator's door, awaits a five floors drop.

The fall was sudden but the landing was smooth, slow as a snowflake. i'm on top of the elevator, the elevator is on the ground floor. i push my head through the elevator's door and see the floor of the first floor, which reaches my chest. And on the floor I see a brown bug big as my hand, so I pull my head back in. i think i'll go down through the elevator's ceiling.

i could wait for the Bugzilla to leave, as i saw it trying to crawl through a crack in the faïence…but, to get up from this position, to touch the filthy faïence…even if i wouldn't touch the material itself with my body's skin, even if i wouldn't smear my hands. i'm disgusted to touch the faïence that on my floor mum has to clean it or else, nobody would.

i squat down, lean forward, and lower my head down through the elevator's ceiling, until it gets out on the other side. i don't see much, the light is off. i push my right hand through the ceiling, i grab the interior of the ceiling, i pass the left hand too, and pull my whole body down until i get hung only by my calves. With my head hanging down, i pause to think how to get down from this position. i could just pass through the ceiling with my calves, and fall, but it's something that stops me, something that i could describe as holding my breath, or flexing a muscle that i didn't know existed.

i push both of my hands, up to the half of the palm, through the ceiling, try to keep my forearms tensioned, and exhale relieving the tension from my legs. my legs fall down, slip through the ceiling without having to pull them, i relax my hands too and land on my feet. i think i could've just simply slipped through the ceiling, as if i jumped in a pool. Feet first. But i don't know yet how, i still don't understand how all this works, and i wouldn't want to fall through the elevator's floor, and even deeper. i'm still getting used to what i can do and how i can do it.

Elevator's light lights up suddenly, and the engine from the engine room makes noise, and starts pulling the elevator up. i quickly jump out and turn to look at which floor it stops. 5th floor. The young cop finished the talk quicker than i expected. i hear the elevator's doors open, and stay open longer than one person needs to get in, and then they close. The elevator comes down. He's not alone. i get out of the building, see the cop's car in a double parking with the lights on, i leave. i start running. i don't know if i can resist not looking behind, just by chance, and i don't risk it. So i turn left at the first intersection.

So i've passed by the old house, where i used to live, when i was, alive… But i found nothing to help me start my new adventure, as this is an adventure, right, but i don't have a direction yet. i don't know from where to start this fucking adventure!

"you could check on George."

Each time i hear Him talking, i just jump.

"What do You want from him?"

i turn around, just to be sure, that He is not near me. From behind me i see a man walking straight to me, looking intensely straight at me, and going straight through me. For a second, i thought He wanted to do something to me, i thought it was Him, but i forgot that nobody can see me. i could go to George, check on him.