Him and i - Dreams of trauma

i arrive in front of George's building, it's getting dark, the sun is long gone, and the streetlights are the only source of light keeping the city from getting eaten by darkness. Out of reflex i pull out the phone from my pocket to look at the time. Now i realize, i still have my objects, my phone, the compass, the dagger, my keys. All that happened until now is true, without any shadow of doubt. The objects remained in my possession. Apparently, my mobile is still on, 19% battery and it has signal. i can check my lost calls. Can i call?

i open the call list, the last one on the list is dad, i scroll down until i get to the others, i have George, Sarah, Matt, Andreea, Emma. Without waiting to choose, i go straight for Sarah's number. The call screen comes on and i start hearing the dial tone. It's calling

What am i doing? Why am i calling Sarah? What will she believe when she'll see my phone number, and after, when she'll find that i was long dead at the hour she got called by me? i want to close but it's already too late, she'll see a lost call from me. i'll have to talk to her. What can i say to her? i have to…

"Hello?"

She answered. i don't know what to say, i don't even have the courage to put the phone to my ear. i just look at the seconds that pass on the call screen. She tried to say something, but got interrupted by an ambulance that passed by with the sirens on.

"H-hellooo!"

i can even hear her breathing, her patient waiting to see if i say something, i can imagine her intense gaze targeted at the phone as if it could affect the caller, her beautiful expression when she waits impatiently for something to happen already, her… What is she thinking of me right now? And i don't know what to say…

"Hold on, I'll call you back, I can't hear a thing."

The call ends. i'm scared. i hold the off button down until the warning message comes on screen. Do i want to turn off the phone? Couldn't it just turn off when i press the button, no warning messages, no second guesses? i already called her, i can't… She calls me. i can't. i don't want to answer. But i can't let her like this. i answer.

"Hello."

i open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. i just want to get out of this situation…but i don't want to stop hearing her voice.

"Are you from the phone company? A strange number appears on my screen…and i can't hear anything."

i instantly close the call. She doesn't know. She doesn't know it was me. How good… How cowardly… How sad…

i can call other people, without letting them know it was me. Can they hear me too? i raise my eyes from the screen and see a woman coming in my direction. Maybe i can be heard. i wait for her to come close enough and…

"Excuse me."

The woman keeps going without reacting to me at all. i turn to her and yell.

"Can you hear me?!"

She doesn't hear me. i look at the phone. If i use the phone to talk…? i see George on the street, coming towards the building's entrance, he's holding some papers. He comes close to me and walks right by me, entering the building. It's odd, i kind of expected him to greet me, say something, i hoped he'd just start talking with me, and i'd respond, as if everything is just as it's supposed. i put the phone back in my pocket and run after him. i pass through the entrance door, and get through the elevator's door just before taking off.

i still have some hesitations before going through objects, and flinch right before i should normally hit the object if i had my old body back, but i'm managing all this quite…well. i have this feeling that i won't be able to pass through the next object, or i won't concentrate enough. i don't even know what i should concentrate on, before going through things, i just do it, sort of naturally. And i'm always prepared to hit that thing, that's why i always slow down before passing through.

George sighs. i look at him. His shoulder is going through me, i try to step back without falling off the elevator. And for some reason i breathe very slowly, as if i wouldn't want him to hear or feel my breath. i'm still not used to be so close to someone, without that person knowing. i have this feeling that i'm about to get caught, at every moment, at the smallest mistake i do. And i don't know what mistakes i could even do for this to happen, but there must be some.

i try to get closer, to see what's written on the papers he's holding. i move around him to get the perfect view. They're hospital papers, and that's all i get before the elevator stops and the doors open. George gets out of the elevator, goes to his door and knocks. i get past him, past the door, and into the kids' room, to check on them. On the hallway i see Mara, rushing to unlock the door. Răzvan was laying in bed, watching cartoons. George comes too in here, with Mara. He looks for a second at Răzvan and leaves.

"Stay with him, I'm going to the kitchen to deal with these papers."

Mara sits quietly with Răzvan and hugs and kisses him gently. They both continue watching cartoons, but both their minds feel far away from the drawn images coming on the TV screen. Poor kids, they went through so much, and look so unaffected by anything. They still can't make it true, what happened, they're in shock and need serious help right now, and George…

He's going through it too, but at their age, to deal with this, to suddenly be without a mum, after growing up without a father, he shouldn't prioritize himself right now… That sounded selfish, but… i look at their blank faces, i don't think they even know how to react. i don't think they even talked about it yet… i turn to George, i forgot he left already. He should spend more time with them.

i pass from the room, to the kitchen, and see George at the table. He's looking over the papers. i see him pulling out a pack of cigarettes and lights one. You started smoking again? That's not good. i know it's hard…but… He tries to concentrate on his task, to analyse closely the papers, but he quickly goes into a fit and throws them all over the table.

"It's already 9 o'clock, where the hell are you?"

"Oh no… Fuck, me!"

He's talking about me…i'm not there to be with him. And he's waiting. i promised…i'll be here and help him, but now i can't help him anymore. He grabs his phone, presses some buttons in a rush and puts it to his ear. He's calling somebody. i'm sure he's calling…me!

i get out of the kitchen and run through the apartment door, and past the elevators. i stop halfway down the stairs. i look at my phone. It's not calling. i wait… He can't call me. i don't have my old number anymore. my phone is probably dead, on my dead self. i have my new phone number now, which he doesn't know. i walk slowly back to the apartment.

"Watch now, closely, at how good a friend is George."

i hear again the voice, i look around, nobody. i go through the apartment's door and into the kitchen.

"Of course you have your phone closed! you're a stupid shit! A bad friend, a…a… And I thought, you'd help…me…"

i'm sorry George, you don't know how much i hate me for not…

"I'm sick of you! I wait for you like a dog, I beg like a beggar, for your help, now especially when I need it the most… you're not my friend, you never were. I hope you die."

No, don't say that. Please. Don't… i'm so sorry that i can't be with you in a moment like this, that i can't help you. But don't say…

"you see, what he says of you? What he thinks of you?"

"It's not true. He suffers. He needs my help, he feels betrayed, alone, abandoned. He doesn't know what happened to me, and when he'll find out he'll suffer even more. Poor…"

"Is this what you think? Watch closely."

His phone is calling.

"Yes."

i can't hear what the other person says, but he looks a little surprised.

"What happened?! When?"

It's about me. He's probably talking with my parents. He'll find out. i don't think i can stay here, and watch him suffer even more.

"Then stay and watch him suffer not at all."

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry to hear this."

"George."

His face saddens so much.

"George i'm here! Listen to me, i'm here. i'm with you. i haven't forgotten you, i came. i came… i promised you…i'll come and help and… i'm here!"

"My condolences."

Call ends. George locks his phone and places it on the table. i can't stay and watch… i turn around and run towards the exit.

"It's better he died."

These words, shackle me and stop me before being able to get out of the kitchen. i turn around. i don't see sadness, or shock on his face. He doesn't look like he just got sad news. i see just, disgust.

"he never was my friend."

"Don't say this…"

"I'm so glad I got rid of him."

"Please…s-s-stop…"

"Good riddance."

"Stop!"

"See now, who your friends are?"

"It's not true! He suffers! He suffers."

"I see you suffering, not him. Family, sadly, you are born with them, but friends, you were able to choose them, and you didn't choose well."

"George is my friend, my best friend, i chose well."

George gets up from the chair and opens the fridge, i grab his pack of cigarettes and take one and his lighter and get out. i heavily climb down the stairs and run out of the building.

 *

i feel like running. Now more than ever, mostly i think, because i don't feel the exhaustion anymore, i don't seem to get tired of running, to feel the need to stop. i can just start running, and i can just stop, whichever i want, whenever i want.

But after a little while, and some distance built between me and the building i just got out of, i decide to stop, and just wander on the streets. Under the moon and the streetlights light, it feels so good to, just walk, slowly, with no purpose or direction, or reason. It's dark, but not around me, which is good. i put the cigarette in my mouth and light it up. It's my first time smoking this year, or so, less than a year ago, as i remember, i stopped smoking. Yes, it was just before winter when i gave up this pleasant vice, after three years of being controlled by it. But now…my health is out of the question, so i can smoke how much i want.

i suck in the first smoke. It's…the best. Especially after this long pause. It makes my brain so light, as if it's floating. It gives me a sensation of calm and quietness. But, with each smoke, this sensation becomes weaker and weaker, and the effect is lesser, but never gone. It still calms me down.

i wandered and smoked about until i got near Sarah's place. It's a bad part of the town, rough neighbourhood with garbage filled streets, that i'd be so scared to walk alone at night, but not anymore. Barks, and people yelling, and roosters crowing. This is just a jungle. The stray dogs haven't disappeared yet from this part of the city. They roam the streets along homeless people, beggars, and pocket thieves.

The street Sarah lives on is lit just enough to differentiate puddle from manhole. This area is not much populated after the sun falls under, be it summer at 10 in the evening, or winter at barely 6 in the afternoon. And right now, the streets are deserted.

What am i doing? i have a mission, i should do something, search for information on the cult, on light, on the old woman. i have to find other journals written by Olsana, i have to…

i arrived in front of Sarah's building. The cigarette is burnt no more than half. All that walk, up to here, it's definitely longer than a cigarette, but whatever. i throw it and go to the building's entrance. Right before the steps, i see a beggar sitting on his ass, with his hand reached out. He was wearing so many clothes, too many for a summer night, and he had his head covered with a hoodie or a…babushka.

"Throw me a coin, please."

It's a woman's voice. A faint voice, so weak and trembling that it makes me stop in front of her and check my pockets. Besides the dagger, the compass, the phone and the keys, i have nothing else. my wallet, i know i left it in the car's armrest. i have nothing to give her. i continue to walk, ashamed, making light steps and avoiding eye contact to not be noticed by her. When i know i don't have anything to give them, i ignore the beggars. i feel bad when i keep going on my way, ignoring all these people that are in great need of something so trivial for them and infinitesimal to me, a few coins, but i can't do anything about it.

i climb the steps of the building, and pass half through the door, i stop to take another look at the beggar.

"No problem, you really couldn't help me this time, maybe next. Thank you."

i…how does she…? No, this thought scares me, i ignore it and get in the building. i have to relieve myself from these kinds of thoughts and feelings. i'll try to not give a fuck about what happened today. i call the elevator, get in, close the doors, and press the button for the 6th floor. The elevator doesn't go, the light inside turns off. And i get suddenly scared. It's darkness… No. It's the elevator, i'm not heavy enough to make it go with me. i'm not heavy at all. Something new… i get out of the elevator and start climbing the stairs.

i'm thinking, if i can get through objects when i want, or can touch them when i want, that means that i should be able to have weight, if i want. When i went through the elevator's door, and fell, i instinctively thought at gravitation and at my old body's weight. And so, i fell fast, but before touching the elevator's roof, i remembered that i can't die, and that i am…a ghost. And i floated the rest of the fall.

And the same way it works when i'm walking on the asphalt, on the floor, without falling through the earth or through the floors. It happens so because i imagine it would be my old body, that has its old laws, it happens so because it's an action that i've done so many times with my old body, under the old rules. But if i imagine otherwise, i could just slip down and fall through everything, the floors and even after passing the ground. i'd keep falling down, to the earth's core, and even lower, to my hell… i hate thinking about that specifically, i'm developing a new fear, of falling, and of being stuck in the middle of the earth, surrounded by nothing, and having nothing close. Like…like that floating in nothingness feeling i had before.

But…i also think, based of all these assumptions i just made, i think that i should be able to, fly…

i arrived at the 6th floor, i pass through Sarah's door and go straight to her room. Light's off, but i find Sarah at her desk, working on her laptop. i get close to her, with no hesitation, as if i'd wish to get caught by her. She's working on her college admission curriculum. She looks unchanged, as if not touched by the news yet. i don't think she found out.

Her phone's calling, she looks at it from the corner of her eye, and puts her headphones on. i look at the phone's screen, she already has 4 lost calls. The phone stops from calling. She continues her work on her laptop. i look around, her room is messy. Never saw it this way. Since i was last time here, she acts differently. i hope…she didn't give up loving me.

"Stay and you shall see."

"No. i don't want to see. Leave me be."

i get out of Sarah's room and start going down the stairs until the ground level.

"i want to see nothing, from what You have to show me, anymore."

"Only the truth."

"Then i don't want to know, Your truth…i want to know mine."

"That one, you already know, it's yours after all. Don't you want to find out the universal truth?"

"No. i want You to leave me alone."

i get out of the building and quickly cross the street to the other side. i don't want to have to deal with the beggar again. i stop in front of a store, it's just the store owner inside, i get in and go behind the shop owner and the counter. i grab a pack of cigarettes from the rack.

As soon as i touch it, i notice that all the colours of the pack fade away a little. All but the skin of the cadaver from the image, it remained as pale as before.

i go to the front of the counter, and shake the pack in front of the shop owner. She doesn't notice it; she doesn't see it. i get closer to her and move the pack right in front of her eyes. Nothing. It was risky, what i just did, what if she could've seen the pack? It would've scared her terribly.

i get out, open the pack, light a cigarette, and start wandering. Anything i touch is mine, and part of my world, but i observed that, as soon as i release something from my grasp, it returns, back to the world of the living.

my walk takes me to the centre of the city. To be alone is the last thing i want right now, so i head to the most crowded part of the city. As i get closer to the area with bars and restaurants, the streets get more populated, people are happy or tired. Here, in the old town, between hours 11 and 12 at night, it's the most crowded point in the whole city. Some people are coming just now to party, and others are leaving from partying too much or too fast, and those who partied just enough, change locations. It's rush hour.

There are more people outside the clubs and bars, than inside. It's hard to decide where to go, when so many options reveal themselves. i like this crowd though, the energy these people give and the non-stop noise. Here, there is no sadness, bad news, death. Alcohol drowns it all. Here, people are so lively that even death doesn't have the courage to visit this area.

i like to wander freely, around and through people. Not having to slip myself through the crowd. i can smoke freely, without having to be careful of not burning someone with my cigarette. Without having to watch where i'm going, where i'm stepping. It's perfect here. Especially in this state i find myself in.

i start wandering from bar to bar, until i find one that has the cooler positioned so i can grab a beer without someone noticing it disappears. But i don't search for too much as i get bored, and stop at a random bar i'm finding myself in front of. i go behind the bar, near the bartender, and put my hand through the glass until i reach the last beer from the end of the fridge, and grab it. i slowly pull the beer, but it hits the next one near it. It doesn't make noise, especially in this loud environment, but i still turn to check if someone noticed. Nobody did.

i try to think about how the bottle becomes intangible, immaterial as my body is, i think about how it should pass through the other objects. But i can't pull it. i think it's because of my hand, it's too tensed. To try and slip it above the other bottles, trying not to hit them, is too hard and dangerous. i could just let everything relax. i let my hand be, fall, and it slips down in a circular movement, with the bottle in it, and through everything, until it reaches my leg. The bottle's colours are faded, i did it.

i grab another one and pull it out the same way, and get out of the bar. It's too much noise for me to even hear my thoughts. Now i don't feel so sad as i was before, i want to get to a more quiet place. i open a bottle and start drinking. i have this need, this feeling of sleepiness. i'm not tired, i don't feel like falling asleep. And i don't even think i can fall asleep. But i have this kind of exhaustion, of the soul, the kind of that i would usually solve with sleep, or mediation, would say some gurus. But i don't think i know what to do until tomorrow, and i'll die of boredom if i'll just wait for the night to pass. i want to sleep so the day would come faster. i don't like the darkness at all.

"Why don't you like it? It's very goo…"

"Shut up!"

i start walking, away from the old town, and don't fucking know where to… i start walking, in the middle of the boulevard, between the lanes. i already finished my first beer. my first beer since i'm dead. i should've drank this to my health…my mental health. All that beer that is poured on the ground, for the dead, where does it go? Certainly not here from what i can see.

Green. Flashes, lights, strips of lights. It's kind of dizzying to walk towards cars, or more like fast moving flashlights, as that's all i see, and those flashlights come so fast at me creating this insane, trippy, sensation. It's head-aching. All these cars driving through me.

At the end of the boulevard, after another street, it's the hospital where i got out of the ambulance, the Emergency Hospital. i don't want to sleep in house with my parents, and at any other's place would be too odd to sleep, and on the street or anywhere outside is too much noise. And this constant fear that i might be stumbled upon, even if impossible…

i start to head to the hospital, i'm thinking about my body, and what happened with it. i can't not think about the possibility of being able to come back to how i was before. No matter how much i don't want to build false hopes. i keep thinking, what if i got saved, what if i can still go back, or maybe i'm in a coma and can still wake up? i want another chance…at life, my life.

What if He got the control He wanted…? No, it can't be. In the ambulance, the machine that was connected to my body showed no pulse, for half an hour. The medic stopped trying after that, and declared my death. All that time we waited to get to the hospital… It can't be. For me, there is no chance anymore, and neither for Him.

 *

i arrive at the hospital. It's very, lively, for a place so much frequented by death. Even in the middle of the night, the medics, the assistants, and sometimes the patients, walk the long halls of the hospital. Ambulances come and go. People are born and die. It's a lot of energy. It's a lot of noise. i can't sleep here. i need to find another place.

i'll sleep…near me. i still can feel my old body. And since i got closer to the hospital, i felt it closer to me. It's still here, they haven't moved it. It's down, under me, i feel the…energy coming from under my feet. i walk towards the direction that i feel i should, until i get right above him. And i let my body slip, relaxed, i fall through, down, on the underground level. The fall was smooth. Feet stopped on the floor and didn't go further more, happily.

In front of me, there's a double door, it says Morgue on it. Inside, it's complete darkness. i get out my compass and get inside the morgue. i look for the light switch, and turn on the lights. Inside, there are two stretchers with two bodies on them. The bodies are covered with a thin, white sheet. Besides the two bodies, the others are probably put in the fridges, which i see cover an entire wall. i get close to one of the bodies laying on a stretcher, and pull the sheet off the face. It's burned, everywhere, i cover it back quickly. What an image…

"Matt!"

i didn't got a clear look, a good look to see the burned victim's face. i pull the sheet once more off the face, and look closely at the dead. It doesn't look at all like Matt. No, it isn't him, it's too different. It's an adult, mature, much fatter and taller. It can't be. Even if these marks cover his face so well… i go quickly at his feet and check the tag. Alfredo Roblero. How good. Not for the dead, but i'm glad for Matt, that he's alright, even if i don't know for sure. i'd like to check on him. He sure is at the burn treatment clinic, i'll look tomorrow for him.

i go to the other body. Then this must be… i pull off the sheet, it's him. It's terrible. i can't believe how white turned the skin. It looks exactly like the body from the cigarettes pack. The body, is so disfigured. It has bruises, cuts, open wounds, the right hand is broken…completely ripped off. i can see bones sticking out. i can't look at him… But i don't want to cover him either, i don't want to sleep alone.

i pull out my compass and go to close off the lights. Come back to my body, sit down, near my stretcher, lay my back on it, place the compass on my leg, facing up, and close my eyes. Not good.

i can't sleep like this, it's too uncomfortable. i fall on one side and lay my head on my elbow. The faïence is cold, probably, it's sad that i can't feel… But if i could feel it, it'd bother me, the coldness of the floor, but this too bothers me, that i'm not bothered. The compass falls from my foot and doesn't light anymore. i don't think i can sleep without a night-light. And even so, i don't feel tired at all.

i turn on my back and keep my eyes wide open and targeted at the ceiling. i move my hand and try to feel the compass, trying to touch all the faïence around me, until i finally find it and then place it on my stomach. The ceiling lights dimly, but enough. i feel like only now can i finally breathe. i can finally calm down. But i don't feel like i could relax, like something stops me still. Well…today was incredible. i'm dead. So that might be it…

i breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in, and out again. And so on, until my mind empties, and my heart unloads. Until weights float away, and i can be relieved. i try again to relax, to let my body become soft, my muscles de-tense, and i…but i still can't. Something is still clenched. Something is still tense, flexed, still i'm not completely relieved. i have this feeling that i can't let my guard down, not even for a second.

But i think i know which is that tensed muscle. i know what muscle i can't let relax. Is this constant sensation that something will happen, even falling through the world. Is this danger survival kind of mechanism, that i can't turn off right now, because since the accident…no…since i woke up this morning, i feel on the edge, like something is about to happen. And i can't relax this muscle that is tense in preparation for what is about to come.

And fuck this feeling i'm constantly having, that i could at any moment slip through the floor. Through the ground. Through the earth's crust. Through the mantle. Until i reach the very core. And then?! What would happen there? i wouldn't be able to die, i already am dead. Anyway, i don't wish this anymore… How could i, after what happened? Wish my death…

But if i stay in the wall, i can see all that the wall sees. From the middle of the earth, would i be able to see all that earth sees? i could try, but i'm afraid, not of death, but of an eternity spent trapped in the middle of the earth. i'm terrified only at the thought of this, to suddenly fall out of control, just because i thought about it, i thought it could happen… i stop thinking. No, nothing to fill my mind. Emptiness.

A sound gets me out of this emptiness trance. On the hallway outside, i hear steps. One person, and a stretcher, i can hear the wheels squeaking. It's getting closer. i quickly put my hand to cover the compass, put it in the pocket, and look frantically left and right to hide somewhere. But i can't see anything in this darkness, and also, they won't be able to see me at all.

Steps continue until they get in front of the doors but, they don't stop, they continue going further, stop at another doors. i hear the doors opening, the stretcher hitting the doorstop and the doors closing back. The steps get again closer to these doors, and again move past it, until they're gone. i can again relax, but not too much…

i pull out the compass and place it back on my belly, to light the ceiling. On the ceiling, i notice catching the shine of the compass's light, i think, a sprinkler. Fire sprinkler sparkling in the dark. That's not the problem, but i also see small white boxes that look like smoke detectors, and cigarette smoke could trigger them, maybe…but not my smoke…?

Even though an object from the world of the living, once i touch it, comes into the world of the dead, and once i release it, it returns to the world of the living. An object that is resulted from an action that happens in my world, once i release it, i don't think it goes to the world of the living. Smoke being made by the burning of the cigarette, and the cigarette being in my world as long as I touch it, so burning happens in my world too, i don't think the smoke is visible to the living, or can affect the living world.

Now i'm really curious. i get up and look around with my compass. Nothing to drag over and climb onto it. i look up at the sprinkler and try to reach it with my hand. It's still far, i really need something to climb on. i look at my stretcher, should do… It looks strange in the dark, and the outline of the body under the sheet… i get closer, lay some light onto it, just to assure myself that all is not about to go suddenly crazy…and then i pull the stretcher right under the sprinkler. i look around to check the room's corners, and lay some light on them.

i press the breaks on the wheels and get up on the stretcher, careful to not step on myself. With a hand propping myself to the ceiling, i light the lighter right under the sprinkler. The flame should quickly break the red bulb i see there, that breaks from hot temperatures and activates the sprinkler.

But i hold it there, and i hold it long enough to get bored. It should've broken by now already, so, the flame from my lighter, it doesn't react with the living world, so the smoke won't activate the smoke detectors neither. i get down from the stretcher, put it back approximately where it was, and look at the white sheet. There was another way, simpler, to check this… i light the lighter again, and put the flame right under the sheet. The flame touches the sheet, even gets broken into two flames each on each side of the sheet. But the sheet doesn't turn black, doesn't burn. i'm good.

i get back on my back, compass lighting the ceiling. i pull out the pack of cigarettes, take one out and light it up. It's good. i don't know what to think about, to make the time pass by faster. Apparently, i can't fall asleep.

"you could contemplate on the immortality of the soul."

"i'm living it. Leave me alone, since You've talked to me the first time, You've brought me nothing but troubles."

"I didn't do this, you brought all these problems on yourself. I did nothing but help you. To grant you your wishes."

"Then i want back. In the world of the living."

"I don't have the power to do this. And even if I had the power, why would I bring you back? To consume it as you did until now? …in the worst way possible… No. you don't deserve your life back. I deserve it."

i sit up and choose in all this darkness that envelops me, a random spot to put my sight on and focus.

"It's my life! You don't tell me if i deserve it or not! Who are You?!"

Quiet.

"Who do You think You are, to tell me, if i deserve my life or not?!"

i hear nothing besides my voice. Yeah, do what You know best, begone. There's no reason to fight with Him. It's not Him who has the key to get out of this situation, or who can tell me more about myself. i need to find a place, or a way, to start my search.

i still hear, in this deafening silence, the echoes of my screams. It's too much quiet here to be able to think, i can't even hear the clock. i need a noise, something to fill this void space. Not to lay anymore in the noise of my thoughts. my cigarette fell, probably when i started yelling. It's on the floor, i don't want to pick it back, the 5 seconds had long passed… i pull out another one and light it up. Ah…so much better. Now i can think, with the sound made by my burning cigarette as background noise. i lay once again on my back.

i try to remember the first time i heard His voice. i was with Sarah… No. The first time was in my dream. Yes, when i was in the temple. i don't know who He is, and what He wants from me, but…no, i know what He wants from me. Control. But i don't understand, why me? How did He choose me?

i hear a drip. It's probably the tap. i remember the shallow water, and the dark realm. i remember Him, He was there, i didn't saw Him though, but there was someone else…that i saw. But i don't remember how he looked like. When i try to think about that man's face, when i try to remember it, picture it in my mind, i feel a scorching iron, like the ones used to brand the livestock, i feel that iron pressed on my brain. As if i'm trying to open a wound, through which all my memories should escape, but that wound is always cauterized in time, before any memory succeeds to escape. i remember nothing. i need to find out somehow.

i throw the cigarette and light another. Even if i didn't finish it, if i smoke the same cigarette continuously, i feel the magic fading away. And i could swear that these cigarettes don't ever end…!

The moment i saw his face, i remembered something. Something that i instantly wanted to forget again. And i succeeded. i don't remember his face, and neither what i remembered back then.

i'd like to go check on George, to see what's going on with him. But what he said, without knowing that i was hearing him, what friend could say something like that? And i don't want to see them suffer, my friends, my parents. i'd like to just get away from this place, leave the country. i can go everywhere i want, i'm not tied to anything or anyone anymore. i could disappear anywhere, i already disappeared from their lives. i wouldn't hurt anybody now.

But i can't leave them. i can't forget them so easily. Something still keeps me tied to this place, especially to Brașov. And until i don't find out what's going on with me, i can't leave…

Silence. Darkness. And a dread creeping up on me slowly but steadily…my feet are cold…

i grab the compass, jump on my feet, and look for the switch to turn on the lights. i turn them on. Ahh! It's much better. i can put the compass back in my pocket, i'm safe. i'm much more calmer now that i'm surrounded by light. my body was still uncovered. i go to pull the sheet back on but then i stop right in front of it. The moment i see it, my lifeless body, a scene from a film comes to mind. In that scene, the medics were massaging the heart, during a surgery, straight with their fingers. To make it beat again. And there's also that scene from Matrix, now that i think of this. Maybe i can…

i look at my hand, i could easily do this. i slip my right hand through the body on the stretcher, and start to feel it, my hand, touching my lungs and other internal parts. i drive my hand more to the middle and pass the lungs. i solidify only my fingertips, to try and feel the surroundings, and guide it by what i'm feeling on myself. i'm looking for my heart, the new summer hot single. i touched it. It feels so strange. i feel my own heart, being touched, by my fingers, but it's not like i'm touching a part of my body, it feels disconnected at both ends, this tactile feeling. i feel a heart with my fingertips and some fingers on my heart.

i grab my heart in my palm and start squeezing. In the beginning i squeeze softly, afraid to not squash it, but i'm already dead, so i can press harder. i start to pump my heart harder and faster. i bring it back to what i think is the normal number of beats per minute, a little more than one per second. It's…it's responding…i think, i feel it…it reacts to my hand gesture, and my own heart, beats too with it.

i hear a noise behind me, i suddenly feel a presence, someone else in this room, watching me. i slowly and carefully and fearfully pull out my hand from the dead's body, and turn to check. There's nobody besides…

my arm gets grabbed. i turn to the body, he grabbed me. It has its eyes wide open, white and broken, and so inhuman, and staring at me.

"What did you think was going to happen, when you bring your body back to life, while you're standing there? Somebody will come to take control. To occupy that empty, so good looking, and inviting, vessel. Thank you."

i can't believe this. i struggle to pull my hand out of his grasp, but i can't budge it out. my body just lays on the stretcher, looking at me, struggling, smiling. What the fuck! i try with my whole strength to tear myself away. i get close to it, and then suddenly throw myself back. my right hand is ripped from my body, while i fall on my back, everything moves so slow. i see the blood gushing out of my shoulder. Entire rivers and cascades of blood flow slowly in the air. How the fuck did my arm got ripped before the dead's arm? i'm asking myself while i'm staining the walls with red. my body is still looking at me. Smiling.

i hit the floor and wake up.