Him and i - Dreams of trauma

my neck starts burning. i can barely inhale air, but i can breathe again. my eyes burn. i can't see. i've dreamt this too. i was burning. But i hear no fire. i hear movement. i hear the wind. i hear noise, engine noise. i felt. my whole body jerked. i can control it. i open my eyes. i'm surrounded by smoke. Everywhere. And i see just metal ahead of me. Metal and huge clouds of black smoke coming towards me. i'm in the car. i'm at the wheel, driving. In front of me, the truck leaves enough smoke behind to barely see anything. In the car there's not that much smoke, but the air is stifling. The dirty air comes in from the air vents. i brake to get some distance from the truck and open the window.

i don't understand. How did i got here? How did i drove until here? i'm again in the car, driving, and just now woke up. It happened again. Again i did things without having control at all. But now i have some answers. i think i know who had control.

But i don't understand how i got out. Did i die? Or just dreamt everything? But what had i dreamt? What's happening now has the same eerie feeling like everything else that happened today. What happened earlier must've been a dream. i slowly start to remember. i can remember, finally. But not all yet. i must focus.

The truck in front of me swerves right and exits the main road. i'm on the national road. The road signs tell me that i'm driving to Bucharest. i'm driving back home. This road gives me a strong feeling of déjà vu. This sight. At one point, I see the left lane getting blocked by road signs, and then the oncoming traffic moves on it. From 4 now there are 2 lanes.

The other lane has a slow-moving traffic, while my lane is completely empty. Ahead of me and behind me, i see no other car. The other 2 lanes are in construction. All this is giving me a strange sensation. As if i was here before, in exactly the same circumstance. As if all this happened before. But not in the sense that it's my first time driving on the national road. No. But it gives a sensation of repetition. As if i've done this exact thing, before. Same road, same hour, same reasons, same road problems, same… i'm trying to search deep through my memories, but find nothing. No matter how much i'd try, i don't remember what i should remember. Maybe there was another dream…

Yes. i know. It was an accident, here. Mum…spent the night at grandma's house, and today she is supposed to come back. Why do i have this ugly feeling? i take the phone out of my pocket and put it on the steering wheel. i try to look at the phone screen without crashing the car. i have dozens of missed calls. From dad, George, Sarah. i scroll down the list, faster and faster, can't even watch the road. Don't tell me the dream is about… Please. i don't want… i found it, some missed calls from mum too. i feel more relieved. i call her but the line's busy. The fear creeps again in me. i call dad. He answers.

"Dad! What happen…"

"Take it, you talk with him."

"Where the hell did you leave with your dad's work car?! And why haven't you answered the phone all day?!"

She's alright! Thank god. But i won't be…

"Mum… How good that's all good."

"Where are you?"

"i'm on my way, now i'm coming back home. Everything is good, trust me. Everything is alright. i went to get…"

"I know where you went. I talked with George on the phone. We heard about Matthew too. Just…just come home safe. Drive safe."

"i will… Bye."

She just closes the call. After all, there was another dream, and happily, it was just a dream. It didn't come true. i'm so relieved right now, breathing like i held my breath the entire day. A stone lifted from my heart. All will be good.

i just need to remember now, what happened earlier. Or not. i don't know, i won't force myself, maybe it'll come by itself, maybe i'll completely forget. But now, i know it's there, and i know where it is.

But first, get home, talk with Sarah, solve our problems, check on George, stay the night at him, visit Matt, raise his morals. Oh, and apologise to parents.

Sarah. i'll tell her the truth regarding what happened, then…even if i'm ashamed and don't know how she'll react, i'll have to force her forgive me. i love her too much. i hope she'll still love me.

i'll finally get back home, to normalcy. Hopefully.

i'd like to forget everything, but i can't let all that happened today end like this. With no answers. i need to learn more. i need to remember. From tomorrow on, i'll start searching for information about the cult, light, darkness. About the story from the journal, the magic journal. i feel that everything is somehow tied to me. Absolutely everything is linked somehow to me. But yet, don't know how.

That's why i must find out. i must find out how did i got out of the tomb, and why am i ridden with this memory loss, and control loss. i have to find out what's happening with me, but not today. Tomorrow on…

i know! The place i escaped. Who i was with… god, oh no. i remember…where i just was… No. i remember…absolutely, everything.

"Wait! We can start it over. I promise I won't try it again. Forgive Me."

What's that? Who is talk…? Radio turns on suddenly. Starts changing stations quickly until it stops, on static noise.

"Too late. You'd better go dead, than go on."

i feel a sudden rage, i don't understand why, but i really really want to crash into a tree. i want to fuck something up. To destroy myself. i want to kill myself. i really want this. i want to die. Like never before. Why do i want this?! i don't want this, but at the same time, i want my death. Why?!

i don't get to get scared by the radio or these sudden wishes, urges, rages. i don't even get to react or realize. From reflex, i notice after the curb, a dead animal in the middle of the road, but my sudden urge to do a radical swerve told me it was an imminent danger that needed avoided right away. Good thing i waited just a moment more before swerving and saw what it was.

i slow down. It's already dead, poor thing. Above it, there's a swarm of flies. i haven't ever seen so many insects in one place. i can't see beyond them. i don't get to slow down the car enough, that i already pass through them.

The flies enter my car through the vents and the open window. They're everywhere. All this happened so fast. In less than a few seconds i'm enveloped by them, completely covered with flies, drowning in their dark mass. They're stacking themselves over and over, forming lots of layers of flies on me.

They're coming in. Through my nose. Through my mouth. Through my ears. Through my eyes. Through my skin. Forcing themselves in, when i try to force them out. i can't see. Can't hear. Can't breathe. Can't move my body at all. Why?

i see just black. Darkness. Again darkness. Same darkness that i'm scared off. That i can't get rid off. That i can't escape. That i won't ever escape.

That darkness is penetrated by a blue shiny light. i can't see it very clearly, but it seems far away. Even if it's far away, i can see it flickering, like a star, even though, much weaker than the others.

When you watch the sky, when you choose a single star from the huge ocean of stars, because of the immense distance between you and it, it can happen, even though extremely rarely, it can happen that exactly that star you chose, to be already dead. And the light that still travels the distance, from the dead star to you, makes us think that star is still alive. It still exists there.

And when you see that beautiful star, shyly shiny, and not quite bright, that star fills you with hope and makes you make a wish upon it. But that wish won't come true, because that star you made the wish upon, it's long dead. And so will i.

And so i can't, in this circumstance, do anything else than make a wish and hope that that star, that's slowly coming towards me, is not dead. Sight is enveloped by a reddish colour then, and it becomes darker then, and the colours of red and blue get to be replaced with the everlasting black. The star is gone. It seems to have been one of those so rare occasions.

Again. Red. Blue. They're back. These two colours. This time playing synchronized. i don't know why, but the sight of those made me so calm, sure of myself, safe. Each time i saw them, no matter how scared i was, i instantly knew that everything will be alright. These two stars that shine, they shine for me. They never stopped protecting me. They never were late… If i see them now, it means that all is still not lost. It means i'm saved…

 *

"Boo! I found you."

Suddenly i feel a hand on my back. i hear steps and stomps and kids' laughs. i turn around. It's a small boy running on the narrow, cemented footpath. He's running away from me. i turn back to the wall and look through the small crack. i can still see the police car running on the boulevard. It's going somewhere far away. Very far away. From here.

i got caught. Curses. i didn't heard anyone else being caught before me. i'll have to be it, i have to put hope in the last one to save the flock. i quickly run to the tree to see how the situation is. Alex was wandering around the tree, he was scared of being spit by someone. In this darkness, someone could at any time come out and touch base and spit him. But he sure was even more scared, of searching alone.

"Done? you're back?"

"Yeah."

"When I saw you looking through that hole, so focused, I had to scare you."

"You didn't scare me."

"Not even a little?"

"Not at all!"

"It was a little. I scared you a little."

It was, but just a little.

"Whatever."

Ionuț was on the bench, he was tense, always looking around himself. Always focused on his surroundings, he couldn't relax.

"It's so scary in the cemetery at night. I don't know why you want so much to come and play hide and seek here. We could play back at our homes, between the buildings, safe from all these, dead people. Here is so dark, and there are the graves. god almighty, please protect me."

"Yes, but back behind our buildings, I can't spit you so easy as I can here. You're so scared that you only hide around the base. Ha, ha, ha. Chicken, chicken, chicken…"

While Alex is laughing at Ionuț, the second caught, he doesn't get far much from the tree, that Ana and Andreea instantly pop out to spit him.

"We spit you. Ha ha, loser. If you don't pay attention. Standing there and laughing like a stupid kid."

"And take a walk already, we looked at you the entire game and you didn't moved away from the tree much."

"Ok, ok. I'm so glad you two are so good. Stop hiding together, that's not fair. And if you did saw me the entire game, that means that you've hid somewhere near the base. Again!"

Alex is displeased and starts searching deeper in the cemetery, just to not have to hear more of those two girls' complaints. Ana and Andreea sit on one side and the other of Ionuț.

"Tell me, Ionuț, are you scared of the graves?"

"Or of the dead people under the graves?"

"I'm not scared of anything. But you two always hide together. Stop trying to show yourselves so courageous."

"OK Ionuț, I'll hide with you the next round."

"Ana, are you sure?"

"If you're scared, i can come hide with you Andreea."

She's incredibly beautiful, Andreea, even though she is just 12 years old. Her tits already started growing. She's the only girl in our group that has tits, for now.

"Sure, why not? I see Ana betrayed me."

How good, i'll hide with Andreea, just the two of us, alone.

"Oh you, you stop crying, you know why I do this, for you I'm sacrificing myself right now."

Andreea's face turns bright red.

"Shut up!"

Rapid steps can be heard from where Alex went to search. Multiple steps on the cemented pathway resonate around the cemetery, and the darkness around us makes us think of dead horses galloping around. The first one that gets in the light is Marcu. Behind him, Alex sprints as fast as he can, and behind him is Luca. It was just as expected from the two brothers to hide together. Even though Alex tries his all to catch Marcu from behind, he stands no chance. Marcu gets first to the tree, spits Alex which gets second and spits Luca.

"Hah! You didn't save the flock. I'm the fastest around here. And you Marcu, had an advantage, but next time…"

"Next time, will be next time, Alex."

"It's not over yet. There's also Matt. He saves the flock."

"Matthew? Forgot about him…"

Alex's face changes suddenly from happiness to vigilance. He isn't imagining himself as the fastest around anymore.

"How long is Matt staying at you this time?"

"i don't know Andreea, he came in today. Probably just one night."

We all gather around the bench, least Alex. He's tensed and alerted to his surroundings.

"Alex…"

"Yes, I know, I know. Take a walk…"

Andreea continues talking with me.

"Hey, you think I can come tonight and sleep with you two, in your room?"

"With me and Matt? We already sleep two in a bed so little, if you join us… But you can come and sleep tomorrow night when Matt isn't aroun…"

Short time after Alex finally starts to walk further from the tree, Liviu shows up. He gets out from behind a tombstone and walks slowly towards the tree, barely puts his hand on it, and then sits down on the bench.

"Hey, don't push yourself."

He looks at me and smiles a little. Alex sees him and gets enraged.

"Who said that, only Matt's left?"

"We forgot about Liviu. What do you want from us? Isn't it your job to keep track of everybody?"

"Really? You forgot about me?"

Andreea looks at him, analyses him from head to toes, and tells him with some kind of heavy lack of interest.

"It happens, stop flattering yourself."

She then turns suddenly to me.

"C'moooon. Please?"

"Do your parents even let you come sleep at us? i don't know what to say, let our parents talk between themselves first."

"Ahhh! Can't you just say yes?"

From far away i see Alex starting to run towards the tree. His sprint, faster than ever.

"Dammit, he found him. i'll have to be it now."

"It's not yet decided. I have trust in Matty."

We all look at her perplexed. She isn't even trying to hide her feelings anymore. i like her so much, but she likes Matty of course. Matt dashes out of the same bush Alex sprinted out from moments ago.

"We already know you love Matt, but try to act a little normal, Andreea."

"What? It's not true. When did you waked up talking, Ionuț?"

"Wow!"

Ionuț is stunned, they all are. i turn my head back to Alex and Matt. It's incredible. He caught up to him and he even passed him and touched the tree first. Matt spat out Alex and saved the flock.

"Fuck. Who the hell even invited him? It's not fair, he's much bigger."

Andreea gets up from the bench and happily goes to Matt.

"Oh stop crying. He's just eleven, I'm bigger than him."

"But you're a girl Andreea."

"C'mon Matt, come hide with me."

"Yeah, she isn't even paying attention to me."

"i thought we were supposed to hide together, Andreea. What are you doing?"

Andreea keeps awkwardly close to Matt and looks at him like looking at a superhero. She isn't paying attention to me either.

"Yeah, she isn't listening to me either. Apparently love is deaf, not blind. C'mon Alex, go again."

Alex places his hand on the tree and his face on his hand, covering his eyes and starts counting loud.

"1. 2. 3. 4…"

Everybody spreads fast. Ionuț goes with Ana. Liviu hides as usual somewhere close and scary to not tire himself. The two brothers go together again, and then Andreea and Matt. They go furthest away from the tree. They walk around graves, with Andreea holding Matt close, motivating it with the fear of the graves and darkness. They get far enough from the tree and hide behind a big tomb.

And right behind them is me. Who does Matt think he is, to simply push me away as if i don't exist? He thinks if he's older…what does it matter!? Who does he think he is? i get to the tomb, go around it and find them sitting one near the other. They didn't seem like trying to hide, or looking for Alex to see when to go for the tree. They weren't playing hide and seek anymore. They were almost ready to start kissing. But Andreea sees me and yells at me, in a whispering tone.

"What are you doing here?"

"i told you i'll come with you. Why did you run without me?"

"C'moooon, leave us alone, pleeeease."

"i don't want to!"

"you're a…"

Matt interrupts her before she finishes her thought.

"I have an idea. Let's better hide in the tomb."

"This is what preoccupies you right now?"

"But how do we get inside?"

"Calm down. I've thought this through."

Matt is looking at Andreea with a face that says he has everything under control. i didn't expect anything less from my bigger cousin.

"Alright, let's do it."

"Good, now up there, I see an open window. I'll leg you up to climb first. Then I'll help Andreea. Stay ready to help her on the other side."

"Yes, yes."

i'll grab her on the other side, i'll look like a hero then. How good.

"And then I'll climb after. I don't need help, I can do it alone."

"Alright, let's do it."

The three of us get closer to the wall of the tomb. Matt goes with his back against the wall and puts his hands on his knee for me to climb him. The open window is kind of high up. i don't know how he'll get up there. i raise my foot and put it in his palm.

"C'mon, up we go!"

Matt pushes me up until i get at the same height as the window edge. i quickly grab it and stick my chest to it. i pass my left underarm over the edge and grab the edge of the interior wall. i look down at Matt.

"C'mon, faster, and be ready to catch Andreea."

The wall is pretty thick, thick as the length of my whole arm. i have my fingers on one side, and the armpit on the other, and the arm completely extended. i manage to get up and pull myself with the other hand. i take another stop, holding my belly on the window's threshold. Half in, half out. i pull myself even more inside the tomb and stop. i haven't thought what i'd do from here on. How do i get down on the other side, face first?

"C'mon already, we don't have the whole night! I think I hear Alex coming."

i build up courage and throw myself forward. i won't look scared in front of Matt. In front of Andreea. i fall, but don't hit something hard. The landing was actually soft. Now, Andreea is next. But i don't hear any noise on the wall or at the window anymore.

"Hey, are you coming?"

Nothing. i try to look through the window i climbed down out of. i see nothing but the night sky.

"Hey! Matt! Andreea!"

Nothing.

"Where are you?!"

They left me here. i now notice, even though the tomb has windows up, near the one i entered through, there's barely any light coming inside. Almost none at all. It's dark and i'm alone in here. Alone in this deep darkness. Alone, in this tomb, with all these dead people. Alone, but not for long. Suddenly, i don't feel so alone.

A noise comes from another corner. And now i know certainly, i'm not alone. But i don't know…i don't know what's happening. i don't see anything through this thick darkness. There's just a smell here, strong, stingy, and so pleasant. And the rough rustling of dry leaves. And the black of the darkness.

 *

Darkness that doesn't last long though. Happily. A misty image of yellow colour comes into my field of view. And another one, striking white and bright, appears and gets closer until it almost blinds me, and then disappears completely. Another one comes, the same as the one before. And they start coming constantly, until i recover my sight completely.

i'm in dad's car. In front of the building i live in. It happened again. i don't know why, but i'm under this impression that this time it was more like a memory and not something imagined. But was this my memory? i don't remember anything similar from my childhood.

Ah! My head hurts and my mind's weary. i feel my brain like a numb weight. At least i'm ok. i don't know what connection is between me and all that happened today. But even the dream…or memory…whatever this was, it seems to have answers. But it can't be my memory. i don't remember the events that happened in it, or the kids. Except Matt. But the cemetery, the cemetery is exactly the same one that i visited today, it's the one in Brașov. Maybe it isn't my memory, maybe it's a memory of another child, maybe it's a memory of His. i don't know what to believe.

i'll think about it some more, but tomorrow. Now i'm too tired. The sky gets darker by the thought. i look at the phone, it's past 9. i get out of the car. Go towards the stairs. Something seems off. I hear a deafening metallic noise. Something is getting crushed. i turn back to the car. The front of the car is flat. The doors ripped off. The whole body is wrecked. The whole car is completely destroyed. As if i hit a wall and then went off a cliff with it. What the fuck?!

i blink. And it's back to normal. No, no. It's my mind. It's just my mind, i'm too tired, i'm hallucinating, i just need sleep, that's it. Maybe i do need to see a doctor. No, i just need to lay down on my bed, and just rest.

i enter my building. Call the elevator. And press the button. The elevator goes up…so freaking slow. So heavy. It's the longest trip i ever took with the elevator. Even the scary trip i took with the elevator down 200 metres to the salt mine i visited with my parents wasn't that long. And scary.

 My parents are very angry with me. Even if it was an emergency. That i took my dad's work car and drove it to Brașov and told them nothing and didn't even answered the phone…

i got here. Finally, but not happily. i get out of the elevator and knock on the door. i'd go straight to bed and just die if i didn't have the worst hunger ever. If i didn't had to have the worst and hardest talk i ever had with my parents. And it just now hit me, this most cruellest hunger.

Nobody answers. i pull out the keys, unlock, enter the house. Place the keys from the house and car in the hanger. i just see mum getting out of the bathroom. i avoid my eyes out of shame and fear and start taking off my shoes. Then i go to the kitchen. There, my father was sitting at the table, eating. i sit too at the table, in front of him. i'm afraid to raise my head, to even open my mouth. i don't even know what to say. i'd better wait for him to say something first.

He takes two more spoons from his soup and stops. He raises his head, and his gaze stops at me. He looks straight at me, but doesn't give me anything. He has nothing to say. He's so disappointed. i made him that mad. His face, doesn't even bother to show me how anger it is. i think now is the moment to apologize. Mum enters the kitchen. i didn't get to say anything. Now i'll have to deal with her angry gaze too.

She stops to my left, facing me and leaning on the kitchen counter. i don't want to look at her face too. i lower again my head to the ground. i can't look at them. i'm so scared. i feel my mother looking at me, her gaze wearing down so intensely on me. She just sits there and taps her foot so angrily that she could generate enough electricity for an entire city. She's waiting for something.

For me to explain myself. i know how much i'm in the wrong here, but i couldn't just let them die or do something they'll regret for the rest of their lives. i couldn't forgive myself, for the rest of my life, if all the events from my dreams came true and i just sat at home the whole day doing nothing. If i did nothing while my friends were suffering…

The TV is playing in the background. There's some news about the roadworks on the National Road and about the traffic congestion caused by said works. It's not live, it's still day there. The footage seems to be from around the same time i was driving there. i don't remember to have passed a news crew, however, it could've happened when i was…when i wasn't…

i hear mum sigh. Dad started to eat again, he keeps looking from time to time at the news. i need to break this silence. i have to apologise.

"i'm sorr…"

A ring interrupts me. It's dad's phone. It's ringing. Dad grabs it and looks at the screen. He didn't even give me a chance, a small pause at least, to listen to me till the end.

"It's him."

i see mum going quickly to dad. Dad answers the phone. i don't understand what's happening, why am i ignored so… i just wanted to apologise. And who the fuck calls at this time?

"Who is it?"

They don't answer me. i see my dad's face changing. He's angry.

"Take it, you talk with him."

He gives the phone to my mum. Who the hell is at the phone? It's the dead animal. At the TV, i see the dead dog from the middle of the street. i see clearly how he tries to cross the street and is hit by a car and thrown to the other lane, the one i came on. Camera turns towards the dead dog. Why…why would they show something like this on TV, especially at this hour?

"Where the hell did you leave with your dad's work car?! And why haven't you answered the phone all day?!"

i…look at mum. These are the same words she… Who is she talking to…?

"Mum. How good that all's good."

It's my voice. Coming from the phone speaker. i hear my voice. Loud. Coming from the phone, from my head, from the TV?!

"Who is at the phone?!"

"Where are you?"

i hear everything echoing around me, in me. As if i'm not there. As if i'm just a spectator. Separated from my own self. i'm somewhere there, in the back, in the cinema hall, in the last row. Looking at the events unfolding on the screen, using binoculars held backwards.

"Who are you talking to?! Answer me! Stop ignoring me!"

"i'm on my way, now i'm coming back home."

"Who the fuck is on the phone?! Who?!"

i hear my voice coming from the TV. From the TV that now shows my car. Dad's work car. He noticed that too. He gets up, goes closer to the TV, and looks bewildered. Yes, it really is my dad's car. With me at the steering wheel. The news cam moves to the oncoming traffic. i see the cars driving one after the other, all slow. Except one. From the line of cars, one gets out. A black one. A black hearse. The hearse accelerates on the opposite lane to overtake the line of cars. On my lane. Camera turns back to me. i see myself entering the turn with speed.

"No, no. Brake. Brake! Floor the mother fucking brakes, you fucking stupid!"

"Everything is good, trust me. Everything is alright. i went to get…"

i'm not slowing down at all. Neither the hearse.

"Aaaaaaaaaa!"

The frontal crash makes the cars end on the field. The camera stays on both cars during the crash. my car, my dad's work car, is doing tumbles so many times, on the green grass. i see how metal pieces are thrown from the car. It starts to come apart in a brutal way. But not only metal pieces fall off it. i saw, i think, even a hand… You can't, just can't, survive an accident like this. It's impossible to survive this kind of accident.

i see the cars lying there. Mutilated metal beasts. Torn. Wounded. With gas, oil and blood pouring out of them. A lot of blood. my heart is pounding like hell, and it's already tired after this day. i'm terrified. i'm dead. i'm dead?

i turn towards my father. He's not there anymore. i see mum, just a little more to the left. She's waiting. Back in her spot. Tapping her foot. my father is back at the table, eating. The phone rings. Not again. Please. Don't answer. He picks up the phone and looks at the screen.

"It's him."

No. It's not him!

"i'm here! Why don't you answer me?! Why don't you see me?! i'm right fucking here!"

Mum goes to dad.

"Take it, you talk with him."

"No! Don't take the phone! i'm right fucking here! Don't talk with him, please. i beg you. Look at me. Talk with me. Don't talk with him. Talk with me! Close it!"

No… i don't want to die. i don't want to die. Not before talking with Sarah. Not before checking on my friends to see if they are alright. Not before i find out the truth about the cult, before i find out about my connection with, Him. About that mon…man from that world of his. About me.

"You killed me!"

Tears start filling my eyes. my face. my palms. my…parents, both turn towards me. They see me… They speak. Their mouths move in unison. But only one voice comes out.

"you'd better go dead, than go on."

i see how the image gets further and further away from me. my parents, the table, the kitchen. Everything goes further and further away from me, until just black remains in front of my eyes. Different black. Different from what i met until now. This is pitch-black. And the feeling i have now, is like the one from the dream.

Oh yes, the dream. Now i remember. The final dream. The one in which i speak with my mother on the phone. The one in which i'm hit by the car. The one in which i meet the same darkness. Darkness in which i lie dead. In which i don't exist. i dreamt it all. And then some more, i remember this black dream too.

i could've stopped it. Or maybe it was inevitable. Either way, i'm glad it's all done now. That i won't meet, ever again, this kind of darkness. Or… Is this what death is? To exist just in this darkness, drowning for an eternity? Alone?