Him and i - Dreams of trauma

What happened? I feel how I made a crossing. I don't know to where, or what kind of passage it was. I open my eyes. A second ago, I had the discussion with… Anyway. I remember that I fell, I passed out. But I feel refreshed. Too rested. As if I hadn't slept. But stayed in a coma, perfect, all this time. Or I just slept extremely much. But no more than a second passed.

Eyes are open, but still see nothing. Something touches my retina. I can't breathe. My body entirely is pressed by… I'm covered. I'm covered by something gooey, but hard and heavy. I can't move myself. I try to struggle, maybe…

I can move. I extend my hand forward, pushing hard and slow through this hard gelatine. It's out. My hand reached the surface. I try to get a hold on the ground around, and pull myself outside. I can't. My hand just sinks back in. I try to wiggle my way out of here. I can't resist anymore without air. I involuntary open my mouth and haul. Water comes in. I get up. Cough hard. I drowned. I try to get the water out of my lungs. I cough without stop.

I'm alive. I can breathe, barely. I live. I pull out the compass. It lights weakly, but it's enough. It's not complete dark anymore. I'm sitting in a shallow water. It reaches just to my waist. I look around, there's nothing else. Just the water. No sky, no other source of light. But still, I can see around me. It's like the whole water can be seen in darkness. It's dim, but enough to make out any object that is in contact with the water. But anything else that isn't close to the water is dark, the light doesn't reach more than one meter above the water.

I get up from my ass. The water is really shallow, it doesn't go over my ankles. I start walking. I don't know where, in what direction. Everywhere is exactly the same. Even if the water's light is dim, and I can see extremely far ahead, up, at my eyes level, not even with the help of my compass can I see further than 5 meters ahead. I don't get too far from where I started. In front of me a dot starts forming, then an object.

As closer I get, as bigger it gets, and it starts to have a shape. A human shape. I stop. My body stays still, and so does the other. Completely still. It was doing nothing. I hold on. And wait. I don't know what I wait for exactly. But I don't have the courage to something else but wait. I'm too scared of…unknown. I'm stunned. Body doesn't move but I feel, something in my hand, in my fist. As my fist is clenched tight, I feel something inside it, something circular and hard that presses against my hand as I clench harder. I raise my hand and open it. Inside, there's nothing. A sound takes over this realm, so terrifying and unnatural.

An immense roar, that shakes me to the core. A roar that makes me tremble in fear, that makes me piss myself. I look at my pants, I'm wet, I can't believe it, again? I can't realize how scared I am, but I wet myself, without even realizing.

"We meet again, after so long? Wonderful. I never stopped waiting for you, for an eternity."

The voice, I recognize it, but I don't want to, no, not at all. I know it too well, this voice. If I held it and didn't wet myself earlier, I would've done it now for sure. I completely lost control over my body. It's detached from me. I'm under the impression that something's supposed to happen in this moment. Something usually happens, but this time, nothing happens. Why? Wasn't I supposed to be safe now? Why? Wasn't I supposed to be taken care of now? Why? Why is nothing happening?!

I want to run, to turn around, and run, and escape, but I also don't want to have that body leave my field of view. It would be to risky to lose it from my sight. I don't know why, but I have this impression that I know too well what he's capable to do, this monster.

"C'mon, come closer. After all this time, aren't you going to come and hug me?"

"I don't want. Please. I want to go back home. Please. I don't want this anymore."

"To go back home? And you don't want to stay with me at a cup of talk? To reminisce. To play…"

"I want you to leave me alone!"

"I can't leave. It's impossible for me. It's impossible for you."

W…why? I have this feeling, I know what happens next, but I don't know it yet. And with my entire soul, wish it won't come to happen.

"Come. Come closer."

I start walking towards him. Slowly. Very slowly. I want to prolong this moment as much as I can. I can't run anymore, I don't have where to run, I don't have why. It's over. I point the compass towards him as I get closer. The body is getting closer and closer. It starts, little by little, to catch the light of the compass. It isn't just a shadow anymore. It's a man.

My heart starts beating heavily and fast. It's going insane down there in my chest, like a rat trying to get out of a boiling pot. I hear my eardrums pulsing on the beat of my heart. His whole body starts catching colour. He has clothes. Some old ones. Filthy ones. Ripped and full of holes. The light is filling his entire body. His head. His face.

i remember. i am not me anymore. my body is not mine anymore. my life is not mine anymore. i fell long time ago…

"Your face! i remember you. NO! No, no, no, no, no, no. Not possible. Don't want to believe this. Can't. It's not true what i remember. You're lying! Get out of my head! Stop!"

i fall on my knees. i look up on him, i'm at his mercy.

"Please, kill me."

"I can't kill you, it doesn't work like that. you know very well what you need to do. Do it! C'mon!"

Something drips on my hands. i look and see how drops gather up in my open hands. It's raining. No, it's coming from me. i can't stop from shaking. my whole body is trembling. It hurts, i don't know what, but it hurts so bad. A body part long lost, an amputated limb, a pain that i can't localize. A phantom pain. i would've preferred to see death's face, to kiss me and take me. i want to see death's face. i want to die. i want to…anything, but not see him. Please, god.

"you don't like my face?"

i feel how he's leaning down to me. How his breathing touches the back of my head. i look up. We are face to face. Almost glued one to another, like two conjoined, totally different looking, cursed, twins. He suddenly reaches to me and kisses me, for so long, entire hours his tongue is playing in my mouth. i can't move. i want to die. He stops and licks his lips.

"you wanted this. you asked for this kiss."

"No. No!"

i throw myself on my back. He comes after me. i get up and start running. i don't know where to run. i'm just running. And with this perfectly similar panorama of a view, it feels like i'm changing directions constantly, right and left, but without knowing as nothing changes. But he, he's behind me all this time.

i just run. i run to be as further away from him as possible. i run, even though my heart beats chaotically. i can barely breathe. i'm scared. i feel my whole head pulsating. How my neck arteries are growing with each beat, ready to burst. i feel his breath down my neck. And each breath i take, it feels like it's the last one. Each breath of his, consumes one of mine. i must escape. i want to escape. I wan…don't want to die, actually.

"i don't want to die. i don't want to kiss you. i want love, happiness, everything."

The breathing in the back of my neck stays there, constantly, no matter how much i run. i don't understand what's happening, i don't know what's happening, but i must find out. i look behind as i run. He's still there, as close as before, as motionless as before. i run, but he's behind me, without moving, he's stuck to me, i can't loose him.

"Woops! you looked. See? Why you can't get rid of me? you don't want to."

"No, no, no. i'm not listening to you. i don't want to anymore. Leave me! Begone!"

"you'll never escape if you keep running. Doesn't matter how much you run. Wherever you run. you have to fight."

It's His voice, He's here. With me? Where…

"Where are You?! Help me!"

"I can't help you. you're alone. I'm sorry."

i have to escape this. Everywhere i look i see the same endless unreachable horizon. i didn't even thought how to escape from here, from him, i just run like a headless chicken. No destination. No chance. No escape. i don't think i'll ever escape. Anything i'd do, it's inevitable. A fate that i can't change. That i don't have the power to stop. i'm totally powerless in front of him. i don't know what to do anymore. i'm mentally exhausted. Depleted. Defeated. Derailed. Denatured. Devastated. Destroyed. Deceased. Defiled.

i don't know how, but i just want to escape…

"Please. Let me. Please. i want back. i want my life back. i want to live. i beg you."

"Fight!"

"No!"

i keep running. i can't stop. i don't want to stop. i'm too afraid to stop. i'm scared.

"i just want to live again. i want to escape."

"your choice then. you leave how you came."

Through death. That's how i entered the dungeon and the tomb. And that's how i leave this place. But i don't think i can escape anymore. i died then, when i wanted to enter the stone, when i…killed myself. And now i'm in hell. That's what's happening. i'm damned to this etern…

"Always with the melodrama? I think that you really don't want to escape anymore. I really think that you don't want to be happy. Ever."

i need to focus, it doesn't matter now, all that happened earlier. i have to escape, i have to die. i touch my left pocket. i still have the chipped dagger. i don't care if i don't survive this, if i die forever, if nothing happens after. i don't want all this insanity to go on. i have to stop somehow, even if i stop it all. Even if it's forever. i can't do this anymore. i can't handle it. i don't want to die… i want to survive. But i want to escape. i want to die!

i'm still running. i look behind me. He's still there. There where he was before. There where he always was all this time i ran, but i can't stop now from running. i'm in despair. i pull the dagger from my pocket, almost drop it but grab it mid air. i pull it out of the sheath. i drop the sheath out of clumsiness, tiredness, and it doesn't matter, i won't turn back for it. i won't need it. i have a new sheath for the blade.

i keep running, but i feel that my end is near, not just for what i'm about to do, but i'll fall soon, and die, like Pheidippides. i look at the blade. NO. NO. NO. i look at its shine, and the bright… NO! i'm scared. Terrified. NO! i fear of what's next. NO MORE THOUGHTS! Without any more thoughts. With my mind completely purged and empty from any thoughts, fears, and doubts.

i plunge, the chipped blade in my throat. The old, rusty, blunt, blade. i feel it. i feel the cold metal, how it penetrated my neck. How it perforated my skin. How it pierced my meat. How it hurts. It hurts, the choice i made. i feel…regret. i start to feel the hot blood dripping down my neck. i feel it trying to gush out with pressure, but can't because of the blade.

i did it. i can't take it back anymore. i pull the blade out of my neck. It bursts. All the blood from my body is trying to get out at once. It hurts. And the hole, the puncture is deforming, enlarged by the pressure of the blood. Fuck. Why did i had to do this? i almost tripped from the pain. i can't stop, i need to continue running, i need to keep plunging the dagger.

i plunge it again. It hurts. More and more blood is gushing out. i pull it out and stab myself again and pull it out and stab and out and stab and out and stab… Again and again and again and again. i grab the dagger's handle and pull it out again. i can't. i fall. i try to crawl forward, using just my legs but i don't… i don't have any more strength in me. i don't have the strength to even pull out the dagger anymore. Stuck to the ground. i lay, with my hand stuck to the dagger's handle. i can't move anything. i just lay, with my head half submerged in this water that lights weakly.

i can see clearly through it. i can see him clearly. my neck is gutted. Can't breathe. Body is cold. i'm not trying to breathe, i keep drowning in blood and this water. He's not there anymore, he's here. Near me. Bends down and looks at me. i see suffering on his face. my suffering? i see myself in his eyes. i look pathetic. i look like a coward. i look like a cadaver.

"Congratulations, you lost this fight. you lost control, again. Maybe, for the last time, this time."

It's not the man talking. It's Him, from inside.

my sight is getting darker. All the shades are slowly turning red, all the colours, darken. The water, mixed with my blood, covers my eyes. An odd colour forms in front of my eyes. Some dark red, i think is called burgundy, and it's getting darker, this colour. my sight gets covered in this colour. i see everything, like watching through a stained glass, a burgundy coloured glass.

Odd. i'm thinking about jesus. i'm not looking for penance, redemption. i've killed myself, it's a capital sin and an act of blasphemy, there is no salvation from this. But i'm thinking about him, i'm thinking that i'm some kind of jesus, maybe i'm even him. Because i - as him, that turned water into wine - turned this water into blood. my blood. A dark blood. Darker and darker. Darker than black.

But i'm not jesus, i can't turn water into wine, and i can't forgive sins, not even mine. Not even his. But if i'd be, one thing i'd do. i'd make him be gone. Him, the man standing above me, analysing me. Him, the man that I can't escape, not even after death. Him, the man with this voice i won't ever forget as long as i live. Him, the monster.

i don't want to see him again. i want to forget him. And what he did to me. That's what i'd do, if i'd be jesus. But i'm not jesus, he doesn't even exist…god…at least not in this place. And i, won't ever forget.

i just wish to die.

"How strange. We've been through this, before, the two of us. Do you remember? Oh yes, right. I just now realized, where are my manners, I haven't yet introduced myself, nice to meet you, I'm jesus. No. jesus is inside us? No, jesus is among us, that was it. Exactly. Light is among us. I told you this before, hadn't I? But it isn't, isn't it? It can't be. I at least, don't see it, it's dark as fuck in here. Because light doesn't exist. you understand? It doesn't exist! So wake up! Get up! KILL ME!"

i heard every word he said. i understood none. He didn't let me die until i listened to all he had to say, but now he released me. He let me leave his lair.

The last drops of blood drain from my neck the same way the last granules of my life slip through my fingers. Pain has left me, i feel nothing anymore. The voice has left me, i hear nothing anymore. Even he has left me, and now i see nothing anymore. i see just black.