Him and i - Dreams of trauma

I stop reading. I can't stay in this room anymore. My eyes are actually burning, even with my back at the fire, it's extremely uncomfortable. This should be the room where the compass is hidden. Was hidden, now it's in my pocket. I wasn't blinded by this light though. It must be from the same reason as why the compass lights up when I hold it.

She said that the adventure is just now starting, for me. But I don't know what my role is, what is that I have to do. I need to find more, I need to find out what is that I have to face and what I am. I need to find more about myself. I get up, open the door, and get out.

Outside, I'm greeted by the same smell that followed me since I entered that hall beyond the archway. The most welcoming smell, the smell you'd wish would wake you up in a winter morning, a cold, very cold, morning. But you are in your bed, far from the outside cold. And from your bed, you start following that smell, which leads you to the kitchen, where your mother awaits you with a cake that is still to hot for you to eat. But the smell is too good, you can't resist it anymore, and you eat, little by little, crumb by crumb, from the cake. From the most delicious cake in the world.

It's a smell that lures, and that's exactly the reason I'm trying to avoid it. There will be no cake awaiting me wherever this smell wants to guide me. I start towards the opposite direction from where I came. I'm tired of running from this smell, I have to somehow get rid of it. Why is it spreading so fast? Why is it following me? Why…?

"What do you mean why? I'm just trying to help you. I can make you forget everything. I'm good at this."

Again this voice. The voice that's coming from my head. The voice that makes me think that my struggle is futile, no matter what I do, I already lost control of my life. I start running again. The smell is fading, becoming weaker, less stingier. Until it dissipates completely. The doors are the same, closed on my right and on my left. But the corridor is very well lit. The light from the room I got out of, now that I left the door open, offers me better visibility than the torch did, and not just for a few meters. But for how long my eyes can see.

At some point I find a door that has 'Meeting Room' written on it. I enter and close the door. The light still enters in the room through the keyhole and all the sides and cracks of the door. But not enough to read comfortable. I walk around the oval room and analyse the walls. This is probably the room where the council gathered.

The walls don't have torch racks. But on the wall opposite to the door, I see a metal lid, fit in the wall. It looks like some kind of stove lid. I grab the handle of the metal lid and slide it to the left. From the hole that lays behind the lid, comes a bright light. Near the lid I see a lever. I pull it and it triggers a mechanic noise behind the walls.

The whole room is suddenly overwhelmed by light. Light that comes from different holes placed throughout the room. This must be somehow connected to the compass room, through a tunnel. Or something like an air duct. A light duct. I sit down leaning on the wall and open the journal. My left hand hurts, as I grabbed the lever with it, so I grab the book with my right hand and hold it so I can read.

 *

Nine more months pass, and Traian's visit repeats. I didn't expect to be needed again. My friends are decaying in front of my eyes. The smell coming from their bodies is not as strong anymore as it was in the putrefaction stage. I also don't feel too well. My time is coming faster, now that I've spent 9 months hanging from chains and just…being. I think I'm done with this life.

In front of me, Traian was also looking defeated. Just from his walk I could see how much these last months have worn down on him. He tells me that the second series of babies was born. I didn't expect him to succeed, in a such short time, to convince people to start conceiving. Especially after the last events, I was expecting the community to be gone, and me forgotten for an eternity down here.

But it was anyway too late. The state that baby was in, he didn't survive more than a day. And they didn't have enough time to conceive. I'm more than sure that Light has fallen now in her hands. I'm now again at the door of the room, in which I checked the babies last time. I feel a negative energy inside. Now, when I enter, I don't see happiness or hope in the parents' eyes. They aren't that eager to find out they gave birth to Light.

Their eyes are filled with fear. Fear that changes into relief after I pass their child. And me passing further, after each child, gave soul serenity to the parents. But I passed by each child in this room, and the compass lighted at none. In this moment, our community ceases to exist. Because its only purpose was destroyed.

"It's not possible. Go again Olsana! Don't make me angry."

I pass again by each child, give them the compass, watch it not lighting, and end with the same result. Traian is enraged. Desperate. He comes to me, snatches the compass from my hand and does the exact same thing I did. With the same result. He's completely mad. He probably now realised, he got tricked by Elena, and more than this, whatever she did to him, must've exhausted him psychically. And now he broke down completely.

"Guards!" yells the mad man at the top of his lungs.

The guards get in scared, ready for war after that cry.

"Take her!"

The boys grab me from both my arms and drag me to the dungeon. Traian was following from behind. He looks completely hysterical. This is the end. This was my journal. I hope it will be useful, for whatever comes next for you, as Moon predicted. Don't worry for me. We will meet again, I hope, but not on paper this time.

 *

Here ends the journal. No more words appear on paper. No more sentences form in front of my eyes. The story ends here. I close the journal. Get up and out of the room. I start wandering along the corridor. Not looking at the doors. Not searching for something specifically. I don't know what to do here anymore. Or what to do with all this information. I'd like to forget it. To forget I ever found this place. To forget everything I read and I saw inside. To forget everything that happened today, everything I dreamt last night.

I feel now how I usually feel after I finish a good book, a good film or TV show. After a beautiful world ends. I feel empty. Like my own world ended too.

I want to get out of here. Back from where I came, I can't go anymore. The smell, and then, there is no exit that way, I know that. I can only go further. Further more on this long corridor. Too long. Not looking for doors or something specifically, just walking.

After a while I see wax spots on the floor. And then gathered near a door, pieces of candles, leaves, petals, stalks, all so old and dry. All above a puddle of solid wax. I open the door. Inside is like a normal room. The bed is different though. It's in the middle of the room, and has two buckets, one on each side. On the left wall I see a door. This is the room. The room where light lived, and that girl. I suddenly get goosebumps and a slight shiver down my spine.

That girl. Thinking about her, that I'm in her room. This gives me a restless sensation. I check the door behind me, just to be sure. No one there. I go and close it and then I go further inside the room. On the bed, I notice a box. It has a corner broken. This must be the cube from the journal. I get closer and grab it. Maybe…

"No."

It's the voice.

"I'm sorry, but even if you destroy the box, I'll still not get rid of you, and you won't get rid of me. We're tied one to another, one by the other, and the box has no relevance, nothing from here has any relevance. But trust me, we both are searching for the same thing. Happiness, and breaking up from the other. So listen to me, and both will be getting this, but only…"

"I want you to leave me alone!"

I get out of the room quickly and start running, holding the box under my arm. I tire myself quick and stop in front of a room with the door open. Light is coming from inside. I get inside and close the door behind. Inside I see a bed, a desk, some closets and shelves. On the walls are anatomical drawings. On the nightstand near the bed, are old hospital tools. It's the doctor's cabinet. In the corner, there's a lit urn.

I go close to the urn and look at the box, but I can't see anything through the crack. I try to turn the box on all sides, my hands are trembling, and I try the best not to drop it. My eyes move fast on the surface of the cube, searching for…something. It suddenly opens and I drop it.

It's on the ground, open. Inside, I can't see what's there. I can't see from the darkness. It's like a fogbank floating inside the box. Not something physically. It's not tangible I guess. It's just like, light can't reach there, can't penetrate that small area.

I bend over to grab the box, and in that moment, all the black smoke from the box is instantly sucked into my lungs. I'm hit by the smell, the same smell, but much more concentrated. I feel how my nostrils are burning. My sinuses. The smell stings my brain and my nose. I'm dizzy, and can't hold myself anymore. I'm trying to get up, but I don't have enough force.

"Come closer, don't be afraid. It's very good. Take a deep breath, and you'll find happiness."

I jump back suddenly. I…i…I remember something, something from my childhood, no, something further in the past. My heart can barely beat from fear. I don't know what I'm remembering now, I don't understand it, as it is in a foreign language that gives me no clue, but it's a visual thing, the thing that I can't decipher. All I know is that it's horrible. I feel like it's not my memory to remember, but somehow, includes me. An alien memory.

I heard these words somewhere. I must run. Every cell from my body tells me this. I must run as further away as I possibly can as fastest as I possibly can.

I run. I run. My legs are going numb from the effort. My lungs don't have the power anymore to pull air in, or push it out. My heart is so tired, it just wants to rest. But I keep running. This sensation. This fear. I feel that I'm in danger, not of dying, but of having a much worse fate. It's not the first time when I'm feeling the exact same thing. But why can't I remember? When was the last time I felt this? When did I met this smell? When did I heard this voice?

The smell is impossible to escape now. I don't think it's following me anymore, I don't think it can be felt here, but it got stuck in my nostrils. No matter how much clean air I'd breathe, it's useless, I feel like it's everywhere. I stop. I can't anymore. I lean on the wall and fall on my knees, trying not to collapse on the floor, as I don't think I'd be able to get up again.

I feel my chest tightening. I've hit my limits, but that was a long time ago, now I crushed them. I can't do anything anymore. I sit down and try to calm my breathing. My heartbeats. My mind.

I look back from where I came. The light from the fire room is still shining bright. And on the other side, it's still lighting the corridor, further ahead. Even if it's good that I have this light with me, it gives me the sensation that I walked in place. That I ran in place. How do I get back home?

This corridor seems endless. I pull out the compass and look at the light it casts. Still so dim compared to the surroundings. The needle is not moving. What is my purpose in all this? What do I have to do? Or am I just a witness, at everything that's going on, and that already happened long ago?

Many events happened in which I decided the outcome. Events I dreamt of, and I stopped from happening in reality too. Until I got here. I discovered this place. Passed all those challenges. Made the compass light just with my touch. I must have a purpose in all this story. Now I just have to find it.

I'm determined to see all this…whatever this is, to the end. I take a deep breath and get up on my feet. Now it's not from my nose. I feel the smell going deep inside me and spreading throughout my body. As if it's a poison. But I don't feel poisoned, I don't feel any bad effects. I feel just, pure pleasure. A happiness and joy that I never felt again in my life, or… I must run.

I try to get as far as I can as fast as I can. I'm running. Again. But I don't feel tired anymore. I'm not exhausted anymore. I'm not feeling anything. Just this euphoria. This sudden burst of energy. My chest is scorching. No. My whole body is scorching. As if I'm having a fucking fever. As if I'm burning hotter than the sun. But nothing can stop me. That's how I feel. But the further away I get, the more is fading this feeling. This frenzy. I need to find an exit fast. I need to escape. I need…

"Tell me, why do you always need to self-sabotage?"

Again. It's the same voice. The same voice that I hear in my head, as if whispering inside my ear. Nobody near me. Where does it come from? This voice. Why do I hear it? Why?

"Shut up! You're too loud. You're too nonsensical. Shut up and listen to me. Since when you started to make your first decisions in your life, you chose to not be happy. You ran away from happiness. And when it happened for you to be happy, you were restless. You didn't like it. Why can't you enjoy the life you were so lucky to have? Why do you have to make yourself suffer? To make both of us suffer?"

"Who are you?! What do you want from me?!"

"Through your actions, you destroy the purpose of my existence, and with it, me as a whole, and with me, you yourself. If you don't like life and don't want to live it happy, then give it to me. I've suffered enough already. Give me the life you don't deserve. Give it back, I'm the one deserving to live your life, give up. Give up control. Cede!"

I can't stay here anymore. I'm going insane. I run. Run. Run again. I want to get away from here.

"Give me back the control! You're killing yourself! You're pushing too hard! Just, give up, don't go further, I don't think you can…"

I've reached the end. In front of me I see black. Just black. I look behind me. There's nobody. I can only see the bright light, somewhere far away. The lateral walls are lit, the floor and the ceiling are lit. But ahead of me. Ahead I see nothing. It's a huge archway that starts from the lateral walls. It's wide as the corridor. On both sides, where the archway meets the lateral wall, the wall is cracked. A huge crack along the archway.

It looks as if the archway was brutally smashed in here. Put in by force. There is no gate or door. It's emptiness. I can't see further beyond the arch. The light doesn't go further. It stops here. From ahead, a small draught hits my face. There's something ahead of me. Into this nothingness. I don't want to get in, but I have no choice.

The euphoria went away. Exhaustion took its place. My body, half numb, wants to sleep. Wants to die. The short pause I just took here, got me drowsy. I'm falling asleep. No. I must stay awake. I have to get home. I have to escape.

"You can't escape. You had to keep running…running away from happiness…it's just how you always do, and…I don't think you should go further…I don't think you can fight this anymore, just… Just…let yourself fall asleep and all will be well… Stop fighting. Accept this sleep. I'll take care of you. Give me the control and I'll take you far away from the smell and the wicked. Far far away from this place. I will protect you."

No. I have to keep going. Ahead. I drag my feet and continue going towards the darkness mass. I don't stop. I wiggle left and right, heavy, weighted down by exhaustion and gravity. Each step, heavier. Each step, shorter. I can't even drag my feet anymore. I'll collapse.

The darkness is coming closer to me, gradually covering my entire field of view until, I see nothing else. My eyes can barely stay open. My eyelids weight heavy. I stop. I'm already inside. My left knee fails to hold me anymore. I drop low for a moment, but I get back up instantly, awakened by the jerk.

My knees keep going forward. I can't stay on my feet anymore. I fall. Propping up on my left knee. I'm still awake. All this movement makes my wounds hurt. Especially my shattered left wrist. I open my eyes, trying to look at it. But can't see anything. I try to open them as wide as I can and move my right hand in front of them. It's useless, I can't see it. I turn my head too look behind, where I came from, to see the light that was always behind me. It's gone.

Everywhere I look, same black greets me. I pull out the compass, I'm holding it, but it doesn't light. As if light doesn't propagate in this room. As if as soon as the light leaves the source, it's consumed by this darkness. As if light doesn't exist here. I don't know the direction I came from anymore, or where I was headed towards, I didn't even change my position. I completely lost my sense of direction. I can't get out of here now. What is…

"Enough? Or do you want me to let you a little more? Make some more obvious statements. Who knows, maybe you really find an escape."

I don't want… I don't have the force to… I can't.

"Enough. I can't…anymore. Please…"

"I got it from the beginning. I tried to help you. But you always ran from my help. Ok, I didn't like try try, I admit. I can't say that there wasn't a part of me that didn't want to be in control. Actually, since I was born I wished to hold the control, to own it, since I saw you how ungrateful you are of this chance that was given to you. But, not just for the moments when you didn't want it anymore or the moments you gave it up completely, but I wanted to have control forever. Although I kept trying to take you to safety. To happiness. Now you are, in fact, in my trap. And it will get much worse from now on."

"What do you want from me? Tell me, please. Why won't you leave me be?!"

"But you, why won't you, leave me alone?! It's not like I have a choice, or you have a choice. Remember this thing very well. You are not the victim in all this story. I am."

"I can't stay here anymore. You don't understand, it's because of the darkness. Help me. Please."

"It's not because of the darkness. If anything, it's because of the light. You follow it blindly, when it's missing altogether."

"W…why?"

"I kept trying to keep you far from bad and wicked. Even if, it wasn't quite a good thing… No more. It always finds a way to get to you, we must fight it. And the light can't help you. Forget all these stupid things. Only you, can help you. Sleep."

"How can I…?"

"Enough! Sleep."

"I don't want…"

"Sleep. Accept this sleep and I promise you. It won't be your last."

"What if it is?"

"Close your eyes and let yourself sink in darkness. We'll talk again. I promise. But first, you have to meet someone."

I don't know why, but I trust his promise. I trust, Him. I fall.

"It's time you fight your past."

But I don't touch the floor. I touch nothing. I float. Or just fall. Continuously. I'm tired. My eyes close. I fall asleep. And it's so deep, this sleep, this darkness, this shit I keep repeat. I'm afraid, I'm weak. And I can't help but keep feeling like a freak. I just want to retreat.