Fork This Life!

Chapter 12: Forkin sand slimes!

Well, I can now say with no qualms that I am an expert at minesweeper.

Gaming – Minesweeper (Expert) (Mid rare, passive) 12.98% - You’ve sunk way too much time into this game. And despite the statistics saying 0 wins, 304 losses, you are way better at this than almost everyone else. Slightly increased analytical abilities. Slight instinctive ability to correctly guess the outcome of a 50/50 gamble.

And there’s another level above expert by the looks of things, so that’s cool.

Meanwhile, self-repair is at 98.73%. Seriously, just one more repetition of this left and it’ll get to the next level of proficiency. Still, it won’t be long now. An hour or two is nothing to me after all this waiting.

Especially now that I’ll have the surroundings to distract me. People are starting to wake up, moving around the city. And of course, I can see everything that’s currently happening in the city. If I could just see a bit finer detail, I would be able to see who did what, when. I can see things happening now… ish, but if I don’t specifically keep track of someone, I won’t be able to tell them from the rest of the city.

It is quite surreal, though. It took me quite some time to realise that when somebody looks like they are doing a very weird punch that stops just short of someone’s body, causing them to fall over, that it’s actually them getting stabbed.

Not being able to see metal makes things surprisingly difficult.

But I can see the sea, now. It looks super weird. It’s mostly empty space to me, but there are little dots of mana at regular intervals, which bob up and down with the waves. If I were human, looking at this would make me nauseous. Then there’s all the fish, flitting here and there. A few sea monsters too, by the size of them.

All in all, quite the mesmerising sight.

Still, mana sight is getting around half a percent of proficiency a day, so it’ll be, like, a third of a year until that gets there. Hopefully, that will allow me to see in much greater detail. Although, by then I’ll ideally have a better way to see. Who knows?

Now, on to the Ferdinand hunting show.

(POV Ferdinand)

Yawning, I get out of bed. I wish I could sleep for longer, I was having this awesome dream where I was riding a dragon. Still, if I sleep all the time, I’ll never get anything done.

After getting dressed and having some breakfast, I head down to the adventurer’s guild. Unlike the adventurers in… what was that place called again? E…e… Etre, that was it... wait, no it’s not. Unlike the adventurers there, the ones here often look like sailors, because many of them are.

At a port like this, there are many trading ships and transport vessels coming and going, all of which needed defences against monster attacks. And pirates, vessels from enemy kingdoms, mutinies…

The average adventurer from the mainland simply doesn’t have the required set of skills. But adventurers at ports often specialise in such areas. And if you don’t, well, there is still the occasional land-based monster in the area, as well as some other miscellaneous requests, so it isn’t like this place is completely dominated by seafaring adventurers.

As for me, I barely have my sea legs. That one time I went on a ship… my legs still quake at the mere memory of it.

Mundane land quests are good. I like mundane. Not much mundane lately, it’ll be good to have some in my life again. Perhaps a few sand slimes, a giant crab or two… I might able to get a nice crab shield made with the cash I have on me.

Or maybe not. That shade of red… I don’t know if I want to be carrying something that bright around with me.

A nice relaxing walk on the beach. Refreshing breeze, the gentle crashing of waves…

LVL 6 Sand slime killed

Experience gained: 99.75

I love how you can kill these things by taking a walk, sometimes. They can be extremely annoying if you accidentally sit down on one, but otherwise are mostly harmless.

Cresting a small ridge of sand, I instantly crouched low to the ground, trying to be stealthy. I just ignored the large sheet of sand crumbling away in my wake. It must be my lucky day! That giant crab doesn’t notice me at all! Now if I can just sneak up on it…

Slowly… slowly… slow-

LVL 6 Sand slime killed

Experience gained: 99.75

WHAT ON EARTH!?

…It didn’t notice?

Phew.

Step, and…

With my mighty muscles, I shall flip this beast!

haaaaAAAAHH!

With a great exertion, I succeed in… almost flipping it.

Never mind! With this fork of mine I shall cut through the beast’s carapace!

Wait, my best cutting tool is a fork? Hah, haha… I just wanted mundane… Why can’t I have mundane any more…

LVL 16 Giant crab killed

Experience gained: 745.75

Now I have to lug this thing back to town… Woe is me!

Panting heavily, a figure slowly traipses along the beach, hauling a massive crab behind him with a rope. A reddish orange colour, the creature has a strange hole in its underside, and a light crusting of sand covers the parts dragging along the ground.

And I’m getting so exhausted that I’m thinking of myself in third person… great. This would be so much lighter if I took it apart back there, but then it would be impossible to carry… if only I had one of those bags of holding…

A long time passes in silence, just the soft shifting of sand beneath my feet and the considerably louder grinding of the sand as the crab moves over it.

Nothing but me, the sand, the waves, that guy over there, the sand, more sand, lots of sand, so much sand, I’ll never get the sand out of my shoes, why the sand, all this sand!

LVL 5 Sand slime killed

Experience gained: 71.25

I stop a moment, then continue on.

Just leave me alone please…

Breathing heavily, I sit next to the corpse of a giant crab near the entrance of the city. Just a bit more, and I’ll be at the guild. If not for how tasty this stuff is and how much it sells for, I wouldn’t be doing all of this.

A few minutes and a lot of huffing and puffing later, I’ve dragged it back to the guild’s materials warehouse. Now to dismantle it. I could hire someone else to dismantle it, and there are a few people hanging around the warehouse for that purpose, but that will decrease my earnings a bit.

So, I do it myself. After a good twenty slippery minutes going at it with a knife, cutting myself not a few times on the sharp edges of its armour, I successfully separate the flesh from the rest of the body. I sell most of it to the guild, but this chunk here is my lunch!

I can’t just start a fire in the middle of town, and I don’t have a dwelling place where I can do the same, so I head out of town again. Just to the outskirts, where I gather some sticks and dry grasses from around the area and start a small fire with my flint and steel. Taking out my pot and filling it with water from a nearby stream, I set the crab meat to boil.

A while later, it was done, and I have myself a delicious meal. Now that is relaxing!

Standing up and stretching, I-

LVL 6 Sand slime killed

Experience gained: 99.75

STOP HARRASSING ME!

Darn it, my good mood is instantly gone. Then I hear a voice in my head. Oh great.

‘Hey, what’s up?’

(POV Gerald)

“Hey, what’s up?”

I’m in a good mood right now. My self-repair skill has gotten to the next proficiency level, and with the reduced cost, I can now do three repetitions with my current mana pool.

Self-repair (Expert) (High Rare, Active) 2.48% - By expending a type of energy available to you, you can repair your own durability and recover your original form. Current energies able to be used: mana. Exchange ratio: 6 mana: 0.1 durability

The exp gain has dropped severely down to 0.05% per 1 durability. This meant I will have to repair the equivalent of 2000 durability to get it to the next level, or a bit over 158 cycles of three repetitions. Which will take around 10 days. Seriously, only 10 days? To get it to the level above expert?

Hacks, I call hacks. Admins, fix this exploit!

Not really, please don’t, I love it, don’t.

So yes, I’m in a good mood.

“Not in the mood, Gerald.”

He isn’t in a good mood.

“Why, what’s happening?”

“These sand slimes won’t let me take a break!”

Yeah, I noticed that exp slowly trickling in. He was just walking around, I couldn’t even tell when he killed them.

“Sounds like you need to relax. I know a few brothels in town, do you want me to direct you to them?”

“What? No. How do you even know where they are?”

I see all, know all. That, and it’s pretty hard to ignore all those shapes flopping away at each other in the one building.

“Mana sight. Speaking of which, I saw another place which might be good for relaxing. Back where you killed that crab, there was this seaside cliff nearby, and there’s this big cave facing the ocean in it. No people or big monsters in it at all, that I could see.”

“You know what, that actually sounds alright. As long as it isn’t some kind of pirate cove…”

“Eh, if it is, no-one was there. And if it is and no-one is still there, you can take all their stuff safely. With my current length of vision, I can easily alert you of anyone approaching. As long as they don’t come from the ocean, then they might see you coming out. That is, if they exist at all.”

“Relaxation with the slight possibility of easy treasure? Sounds good to me.”

Not that I saw any treasure in there, but I can’t see metal, so there could be golden coins littering the floor for all I know.

(POV Ferdinand)

As if all the time I took to get from there to the city was a lie, it only takes me about twenty minutes to get there.

Well, I was pulling a giant crab before.

Anyhow, how am I going to get into this cave? There’s no path or anything… I suppose I’ll just have to walk around in the water, it’s shallow enough.

‘Just so you know, there’s still nobody there, and nobody in the area either.’

‘Great, thanks.’

Pulling off my boots and socks, I hold them as I walk through the water around the edge of the cliff. Sure enough, there it was. A nice little cave, sunny and sandy.

Now… The real challenge is putting my boots back on without getting sand on my feet, and ideally drying them a bit… That boulder should do.

Sitting down on it, I carefully shake the water off my feet and put my boots back on. Damp, but it’ll do. I’ll have to do this again going back out.

Now to get a better look at this place…

Sand, sand, rocks, more sand, boulder, sand, hermit crab, HERMIT CRAB!?

I scratch my head furiously, crouching low to the ground. A moment later there’s that weird feeling that means Gerald has contacted me.

‘What is it?’

‘WHY DIDN’T YOU MENTION THE HERMIT CRAB!?’

‘Why would I mention the hermit crab?’

‘Why WOULDN’T you mention the hermit crab?’

‘Are we talking about the same thing here? Small, slow, completely harmless, that hermit crab?’

‘No, I’m talking about the small, fast, potentially deadly hermit crab.’

‘This world is weird. Back on mine, we kept those little things as pets. Boring pets. That’s why I didn’t mention it. Besides, I could only tell it was something really small, basically looks the same as a rock to me.’

Fair enough. Still, I don’t think I can win in combat with one of these.

‘Okay, I don’t suppose you have a plan?’

‘In fact, I do. Oh, what a plan do I have. I have wanted to use this plan all the time you’ve been hunting, but we just haven’t met an enemy… small enough. Just throw me somewhere near it. Not at it, I’ll do the rest.’

‘Do what? You can’t move?’

‘What need is there to move? It’ll be coming to ME.’

And with that, he severs the link. Great plan, but could you tell me a bit more detail? Like, anything? So, I just throw him and hope he knows what he’s doing? I mean, really, he should just tell me the whole plan, it isn’t that hard.

Whatever, it’s his own… head… if it goes wrong.

Fetching him out of a pouch, I toss him near the boulder the hermit crab is on. It doesn’t twitch. I don’t know if that’s good or bad for that plan of his.

So I wait. And… nothing really happens. I wait more. Still nothing.

And- Oh, something’s happening. It’s wandering down the side of the boulder it’s on… towards Gerald?

Very slowly, too. Are the things I’ve heard about it lies? I’ve never seen one before, since they’re so rare. Not only that, I heard that most of the time they only move for food… And combat. Otherwise, they just sit in secluded areas… like on a rock in a secluded cave.

It slowly crawls over to Gerald… Then starts crawling over him.

Strange… It all happens in an instant. They make their moves almost simultaneously; one fork, one hermit crab.

One moment, it’s moving on top of him. The next, it’s falling, somehow. It almost seems as if it’s sinking into his body… I didn’t think his absorb skill is that powerful.

In that moment, I think it’s already over. He’s surely won with that move.

But then there is a loud sound, an explosion. The ground around Gerald caves in, sending sand flying at the speed of an arrow in flight, stinging against my arms as I raise them to protect my face.

And over it all, a clear Snap.

When I feel the sand stop pelting my arms and am able to take a clear look, my eyes widen in shock.

Where there used to be flat sand, there is now a crater, the about half as deep as I am high. The boulder that was sitting in the sand, although weathered with age, was still a sturdy rock of considerable size. Now I see it crumbling before my eyes, sheets of stone rolling off like a snake shedding its skin.

At that moment-

LVL 32 Hermit crab killed

Experience gained: 4094.5

Level up! You are now level 22!

4 Stat points gained.

Stat points can wait, where is Gerald?

Looking down from the edge of the crater, I spot him at the bottom of the crater. Split into two pieces, what is left of him was warped beyond recognition.

(POV Gerald)

LVL 32 Hermit crab killed

Experience gained: 215.5

LVL 32 Hermit crab absorbed

Experience gained: 4310

Durability recovered: 0.7

Skill proficiency increased: Absorb 1.1%

Skills gained: Ki blast (Basic), Meditation (Basic)

Traits gained: Ki practitioner

Window will close in 29s

Level up! You are now level 28!

4 Stat points gained.

If I had nerves right now, I would be in serious pain. Wait, no, I think that I would be unconscious. Definitely unconscious. Perhaps killed by the shock?

Durability: 2.3/16.2

Probably dead. This level of damage, converted to a human body, would be… All limbs broken, internal organs ruptured, I think. Not to mention this is after being repaired by absorb… Good thing I’m not human. Now… Oh yeah, he’s probably thinking I’m dead right now.

“Hey, I’m fine, just so you know. Currently extremely glad I have no sense of pain, but fine all the same.”

I get a reply instantly. He really must’ve been concerned.

“That’s great… But seriously, how are you not dead?”

You’re still thinking like a biological, that’s why. You have to think like a fork to become a true fork. Wait, he’s not a fork.

“Because I’m a fork, not human. Humans would have bled to death right now, if they didn’t die instantly. I’m a fork, so I just got bent. Give me a few hours and I’ll have healed this right up.”

“Great… But did you have to be that reckless?

“I didn’t know It was that powerful. Still, although I wouldn’t try this again, at least it ended well. Now, I need a moment to check my status if you don’t mind.”

“Me too, I levelled up from that.”

“Congratulations!”

“Thanks.”

Now, what are all these cool-sounding things I got? Let’s start from the trait.

Ki Practitioner: You have gained the ability to control the energy within you, and to reinforce it with the energy around you, enabling you to perform far beyond the normal limits of your body.

Stat unlock: Ki.

Okay, but my body’s limits are 0. What does that give me, 1?

Out of the two skills, the most interesting one is the ki blast, so let’s leave that till last.

Meditation (Basic) (Low Rare, Active) 0.00%: Enter into a state unburdened by the worries of the physical world. There is only you, and your thoughts that exist in this world. While in this state, mana regeneration multiplied by 1.5, Psi regeneration multiplied by 1.5, Ki generated at 10 times the normal rate.

Are you mocking me!? You’re mocking me, aren’t you!? Stuff you too, then, status!

Still, that’s wicked cool. Double regen for mana and Psi is cool enough, but why is Ki a crazy 10 times?

Let’s see, status, ki, ki… Aha. That’s why.

Ki regen: 2.07 (20.7)/day

20.7 a day, though? That’s not much… wait, if I convert mana to per day… almost freaking 12k!?

Madness!

Madness?

THIS! IS! FORK!

Ahem.

Still, there’s a limit to how much ki I can have at one time, as well. 20750. Or 100 days. That’s a while.

Ki blast (Basic) (Low Rare, Active) 0.00%: Expel Ki from your body in a concentrated blast. Power varies with ki infused. With your lack of experience, you are not able to accurately control the amount of ki you infuse into the skill, it may vary by up to 20 points.

Boring, but what if I infused a whole load of ki into it? Hey, that’s probably what the crab did. That really did pack a pun- hey, I’m in a crater. Huh. That’s… powerful.

I wonder, could I use tiny ki blasts to propel myself around?

…Better not try that until I’m back to full durability.

Anyway, it doesn’t look like I’ll be able to play minesweeper much, if I’m using meditation to boost my growth rate. Too bad, I think I was getting somewhere with my last game… but it’s not like playing it is actually useful for anything but passing the time.

With that all said and done, I’ve done what I wanted to do, so I contact Ferdinand again.

“Hey, sorry about that, that really didn’t work out like I’d hoped. Still, at least nothing happened to you. That would be more difficult to repair.”

It takes a few moments for him to reply, and he seems a bit absent-minded.

“It’s alright. Like you said, it ended with no lasting harm done.”

“What’s up? You sound distracted.”

Another pause.

“I’m not sure where to put my stat points. I used to focus all of my points into strength and dexterity, with a bit of a focus on endurance, but that was when I never thought I’d ever get much stronger. But now I’m getting all these levels so quickly, I’m not sure what to do.”

“What’s endurance? I don’t have that one.”

“It relates to your body’s toughness and stamina.”

Okay, that makes it easy.

“What weapon do you want to use in the future? Just a sword? Sword and shield, or perhaps a greatsword?”

“Perhaps a greatsword, they look powerful.”

“Then you’ll probably want to focus on strength first, endurance second and dexterity third. If you’ve already been focusing on dexterity in the past, just ignore it for a while until your endurance catches up. You’ll probably want to learn this ki stuff too, it looks pretty powerful.”

“Okay… That sounds reasonable. Wait, you have ki now? What don’t you have!?”

“The ability to move, hear, speak, smell, taste and touch. But apart from that, I seem to have a bit of everything.”

“Um, sorry…”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ve been living like this for ages now, I’m used to it. Besides, this telepathy is a big improvement to what I had before. So, what now?”

“I’m going to go back to the city before something else happens.”

“That’s another jinx. But… what makes you assume nothing will happen in the city?”

A long pause.

“Oh holy gods of mercy, kindness and peace, protect me in this grim world from the terrors that seek to destroy my daily life. I implore you that my days will return again to the past of simple hunts, without great danger and insane events occurring around me. I ask the gods of…”

He continued on like that for a long time. I eventually just cut the link. Well, all in all, a successful day!

Oh, the stat points. I'll chuck a bit into STR for luls. 1.5 to WIS, 1 to INT, 1.5 to STR. And with that, I have nothing to do again. Let's try out this meditation skill.

Gerald's status: 1337 H@X0R

Ferdinand: Mad coz bad