Fatigue Syndrome: The Lassitude

When I finished ordering almost all the things and cleaning, humming a song, it had already started to get dark. There was nothing more to do in the new apartment, so I put on my outerwear and left. Before leaving, I wanted to set a password, but since I had been using the same password for a long time, my brain wasn’t working well.

I raised and lowered the black cover of the electronic lock. What’s today’s date? Hm. 0119. Maybe this? I pressed the buttons to set it. Out of embarrassment, I just ruffled my hair. It was a sequence of numbers completely devoid of creativity, differing from the previous password by only two digits.

I pressed to check. Ding. The door opened with a sound. I closed the door again and went – all this happened just now.

There was a reason why I returned home early.

Of course, it would be useless if Ithae didn’t come home. The contract for the apartment has already been signed. I had already more or less put my thoughts in order. My last task was the breakup. If possible, it would be good to start talking about it over dinner. My heart was calm, without any fluctuations. Until the very moment when I would need to put a period. How did we come to such an end?

I grabbed the doorknob that would soon become foreign. But the space that should have been plunged into darkness was flooded with bright light.

‘Huh? It’s not time to return from work yet?’

Did he not turn off the light in the morning? But it wasn’t on. Not understanding the situation, I froze in place, only moving my eyes. Could it be… a thief?

I only had a phone and car keys in my hands. If I hit with the keys, I could at least cause pain for a moment. I tightly clenched my hand. When my gaze turned to the living room, I opened my mouth, seeing a familiar figure.

“Kwon Ithae…?”

“You came?”

“What is this? A surprise?”

Ithae, calmly sitting on the couch and staring at me intently, moved only his lips, like a statue. Judging by the fact that he blinked occasionally, he hadn’t turned to stone…

He was in uncomfortable clothes, not even changed, which indicated that he had returned home recently. No, I wanted to believe that. Because the air in the apartment was too warm for someone who had just entered. As if someone had been waiting for a long time.

I hoped you wouldn’t wait for me anymore.

“…”

“When did you come?”

I started taking off my outerwear, pretending to be calm. To hide my trembling eyes, I lowered my head, arranging my shoes. There was no hesitation in my actions.

‘…I really didn’t think we would have dinner together.’

Honestly, I didn’t even expect this. In the morning, he was acting strange, but there was no guarantee it would last until evening. The person Ithae was interested in was definitely his colleague. I even doubted for a moment if he would forget about me when he saw that person’s face.

Besides, I hadn’t yet come up with the breakup phrase I was going to say to him. I wanted to think about it calmly alone… How to say it without looking pitiful? Although I pretend to be confident, I wasn’t fully mentally prepared. Somewhere it was uneasy, and a strange feeling overtook me.

It couldn’t be otherwise. How many years have we lived together?

Seeing his face, I lost my speech.

I remembered how our seasons passed. All the moments from blossoming to snowfall still vaguely remained in memory. Although nothing is eternal, we dared to believe that we would be an exception. My stupid past “self” surfaced.

Why does everyone think they’re the main characters in a movie with a happy ending? Although our life can’t even be a secondary character in a movie.

“…You’re not going anywhere else?”

“Yes, yes…”

Ithae answered with a question instead of an answer. A bad premonition stirred in my ankles. This sensation was so unpleasant that I wanted to kick it immediately.

‘Maybe he’s not getting along with the person he’s dating?’

So he’s now considering me as insurance? Ha, well! What impudence. Who’s whose insurance? Me? The branch that grew out of strangeness turned into a reckless form. My mood strangely dropped to the bottom due to the illusion that I had become a support for Ithae. That I had become just that for him.

Ithae was still silently looking up at me. Looking at his face, my restless insides gradually calmed down. Yes, this was Ithae. The one I knew best. Although not as well as before, I still had the ability to understand his mood. I couldn’t help but know.

Slightly lowered eyebrows, frozen lips. Even the intent gaze directed straight at me. Ithae was definitely very upset. For some reason.

“…Did you have dinner?”

“No. I’m about to eat now. The homeless teacher living in my stomach has been crying for a long time. I thought I’d eat with you if the timing matched.”

“Really?”

Ah. Did his eyebrows slightly raise? And his eyes became rounder. What is this guy really up to? These signs weren’t good. I had already gathered hundreds of proofs that he no longer loves me. This accumulated until we reached the point of breaking up, so why are you…

In the quiet apartment, only the hum of the working refrigerator could be heard. Ah, whatever. I carelessly hung my clothes on a chair and plopped down next to Ithae. What is, is, and fatigue doesn’t go away. I had been moving all day, it would be strange if I had much strength left at this age. I reassured myself that I was just following the natural course of things.

I knew I was still too young to be so tired. But it was easier to give up. Like the principle of never crossing the road on a green light if there are 8 seconds left.

“I want to sleep, Tae. Order for me too.”

“…What were you doing before you came?”

“Well…”

How do I explain this? If I say it now, even food that usually goes down easily will get stuck in my throat. So it was more correct to postpone the moment a little. After eating? If I say it then, won’t there be indigestion? But what’s the difference? In any case, this guy cooled off first. Why am I so caring, without any necessity?

Clothes rustled, rubbing against the fabric of the couch. The head that was naturally going to lie on Ithae’s thigh fell next to him. This wasn’t good. It was time to correct even the natural habits that the body had gotten used to.

I closed my eyes. I felt Ithae’s gaze, but I didn’t move. As if I had intended to do this from the beginning. A shadow appeared before my eyes. I didn’t open my eyes. The hesitating hand moved away without closing the light. Under closed eyelids, a flickering light was drawn. It would be good if he closed it completely.

“Do you really want to sleep?”

“Yes…”

Ithae was silent, and I didn’t open my eyes. Gradually, I relaxed my body, as if giving in to the oncoming drowsiness. At least, the delivery would take no less than 30 minutes. During this time, I could doze off and decide what to say. At least, the silence didn’t cause us much discomfort. Even if at some point we started to perceive each other as strangers.

“Are you sleeping…?”

“…”

The lips didn’t part, as if filled with water. It seemed that if I moved even a little in this state, sleep would completely evaporate. This drowsiness that I had barely found was more precious than Ithae. What was unimaginable before was becoming reality.

A little more, a little more.

It seems if I take a few more breaths in this state, I’ll fall completely asleep.

At this moment, Ithae continued to speak. His voice was low and vibrating, as if locked up.

“Kyeoul. Kiyeoul, mandarin.”

…Has he gone crazy?

I instantly surfaced from sleep. I could tolerate anything, but not this nonsense. I opened my eyes wide and stared at Ithae, who was uttering these terrible sounds.

When did it start? Ithae was looking at me. As if he had been doing it for a long time. As if he expected me to wake up, he didn’t even flinch when I opened my eyes wide. His shameless face knew no shame.

As well as I knew you, so did you know me well.

That’s why you knew I would get angry at such nonsense.

“Why did you wake up?”

“Are you joking now? Are you going to do it like this, with incorrect pronunciation?”

“When I looked again, you really look like a mandarin.”

“Do you mean my face is yellow, like with jaundice? Do you think your skin will be smooth forever? I already said in the morning. You’ve aged so much now that a 100-year-old man could call you a friend!”

“I just wanted to say you’re fresh like a mandarin…”

I blinked a couple of times and closed my eyes. As if it was just a sleepy delirium. Shh. I stopped like a robot with a switched-off battery. Belatedly, Ithae’s laughter tickled my ears. I thought I had already gotten used to such jokes. But it had been more than half a year since I hadn’t heard such jokes, and I just fell for this trick.

“Mandarin. Won’t you react anymore?”

“Tsk, shut up.”

You’re like saliva. Tsk-tsk. May you be spat on from a car window on the street.

Imagining such childish thoughts, I tightly pressed my lips. Ithae’s warm hand came down on my forehead. Although I couldn’t see, I felt his particularly warm gaze. I deliberately ignored this and tried to fall asleep again. I needed to fall asleep before the delivery arrived. But it seemed that sleep wouldn’t come so easily.

∞ ∞ ∞

What sleep wouldn’t come.

I was sleeping soundly, even drooling. Suddenly feeling something strange, I abruptly opened my eyes and saw that the living room was plunged into darkness. I wonder when Ithae managed to turn off the light? Even without looking, I felt a presence waiting for me at the head of the bed.

I slightly raised my head. My hair touched Ithae’s thigh. When did we get so close? Maybe I moved up in my sleep?