Fatigue Syndrome: The Lassitude

∞ ∞ ∞

Kyeoul, who said he wanted to be friends with me, continued to get closer to me, as if wanting to keep his word.

Into my daily life where I never met him, Kyeoul burst in like a huge wave, pretending it was a coincidence. Pleasant accidents, like meeting on the way to the cafeteria or having physical education classes at the same time.

Every time our eyes met, Kyeoul would approach me, shouting the two syllables: “Ithae”. Before meeting Kyeoul, I didn’t know that my name could make my heart beat like that.

There were always many people around Kyeoul.

Sometimes it was some beautiful girl alone, sometimes a group of guys who were a palm taller than Kyeoul. Kyeoul was never alone. When he noticed me, he would apologize to the people around him and run over to me.

“Hi. Where are you going?”

“…To the science classroom. We have a class there…”

“Ah. A class with Chan with clay pots?”

“Huh?”

“At first we called him Kongji’s best friend because he looks like a toad, but then, since his lessons don’t stick in your head and everything flows out like water, he was nicknamed Chan with clay pots. More precisely, a broken pot. Kaedoki.”

Kyeoul lowered his voice as if telling a secret and explained in detail. Thinking about it again, the science teacher did look like a toad. Thick lips, eyes widely set between the eyebrows… But isn’t this just slander?

I looked around fearfully. Fortunately, Kaedoki didn’t seem to be nearby. When I quietly sighed with relief, Kyeoul, apparently noticing my anxious look, smiled widely. Is it that funny? He wiped the tears that appeared in the corners of his eyes and shook them off.

“Don’t worry. If we get caught, I’ll say it was only me who was cursing.”

“But it really was only you…”

“Ithae, I didn’t know there was no Boson in your heart.”

(Wordplay: “I didn’t know there was no sincerity in your heart”.)

Why suddenly Boson?

…Could he be talking about that person?

I thought I did well not saying I was from Seoul. Kyeoul seemed to like people who supported such jokes. He often spoke in hints and casually threw funny phrases.

“Yes, I’m not very faithful.”

To my casually thrown answer, Kyeoul laughed again, saying it was funny. For some reason, I felt pride, and the corners of my lips involuntarily lifted. Kyeoul’s laughter created an illusion as if a cool breeze was blowing, very bright and fresh, like the current weather.

“Ah. The guys behind are waiting. I’ll go. Then after self-study, let’s go together. Got it?”

Kyeoul ran to the group without even waiting for my answer. Only the echo of his words dissipated in front of me.

The words I wanted to say got stuck in my throat, tightening it. Kyeoul seemed to often call his friends by nicknames. Last time I heard him call one student “Jjukku”. Seeing that guy’s face, I understood why he was called that and quietly chuckled. Even that guy himself seemed to accept this nickname without expressing displeasure.

Although I wasn’t that close to Kyeoul, I was curious if he had a nickname for me. He even gave a nickname to the disliked science teacher. Recalling, Kyeoul always called me only by the two syllables of my name. Maybe I’m not close enough to him yet?

I decided to definitely ask him on the way home, clenching my fist in a small determination.

Kyeoul seemed to always do what he said. As soon as the homeroom period ended, I quickly gathered my things and left the classroom, and he was standing by the door waiting for me. He was doing something on his phone, possibly texting someone.

Although Kyeoul had warned me in advance, when I actually saw him, I felt excited. We’ll just chat about trivial things on the way to the academy.

My head was full of thoughts about nicknames. How to start the conversation so it doesn’t look awkward? I was burning with impatience. I wanted to hear the answer by any means.

I wanted to be a little special to Kyeoul, that is, a pleasant person for him. Because the duration of this coincidence depended entirely on Kyeoul.

“…Kyeoul.”

“Oh, you came out. Let’s go. On the way, hyung will buy you chocolate milk.”

“Do you like chocolate milk?”

“No. I just thought Ithae would like it.”

What does that even mean?

It seemed that every time Kyeoul said something, you had to look for hidden meaning in his words. I was thinking intensely, not even noticing how I frowned. Chocolate milk is brown… maybe it’s because of the color of my skin? No, it can’t be. I’m not that dark. Although compared to Kyeoul, maybe. Then what?

At that moment, I suddenly felt Kyeoul’s warmth on my hand. A very light touch.

“Because you’re cute.”

From this unexpected statement, heat rose from my face to my ears. Surely I blushed so much that anyone could notice. I just blinked, looking at him, unable to utter a word. Kyeoul looked back at me with puzzlement.

From his point of view, this might have been just a light joke. I knew my reaction was excessive, but I couldn’t return my reddened cheeks to their normal color. Because I really heard such words for the first time.

At that moment, one question surfaced. The words escaped my mouth involuntarily, without my desire.

“Then is my nickname chocolate milk?”

It was a disaster created by the combination of nickname and the word “cute”. As if the nickname could be “chocolate milk”. No… I should have first asked if I had a nickname at all.

My face turned even redder than before. I wanted to immediately bury my head in my bag and hide. I wonder how strange I look in Kyeoul’s eyes.

I lowered my head deeply. I didn’t have the courage to look at Kyeoul. We needed to go to the academy soon… We didn’t have time for this. I couldn’t hide my embarrassed facial expression.

“No. Ithae is Ithae.”

A voice full of laughter hit my ears. Forgetting about my reddened face, I raised my head again and looked at Kyeoul. I had a feeling as if a wind blew amidst the hot summer heat. Kyeoul’s hair, although remaining motionless, seemed to be fluttering in the wind.

I stared blankly at Kyeoul.

The unbuttoned summer uniform, the white T-shirt underneath, white and clean skin like his name, even teeth visible between slightly raised corners of his lips. Red lips… Ah.

“…Why, why?”

Why am I Ithae?

Instead of answering my stuttering question, Kyeoul moved forward. Maybe he doesn’t want to get that close? Although he himself suggested being friends. A wave of resentment rose in me.

I forced myself to move, although I had frozen in place, and followed Kyeoul. The fact that he called me cute had already dissipated in the air. My elevated mood quickly collapsed.

Kyeoul was quietly humming. Although I felt a little offended, his voice was pleasant, and in the end, I snuggled closer to him. Yes… Anyway, our relationship was unlikely to last after graduation. Because we’re different. Both lifestyle and attitude towards things.

My lips drooped slightly. I had no strength left to lift them.

When my heart was heavily pounding at the bottom, Kyeoul’s lazy voice lifted it. He spoke in a calm tone, as if saying something very insignificant and obvious.

“I haven’t thought of one yet. For me, you’re just Kwon Ithae. Ithae suits you more than any nickname. When I see you, only Ithae comes to mind… That’s why. It’s not because I have any special feelings for you. Or, maybe this is exactly a special attitude?”

Kyeoul explained the reason in detail.

It seemed he knew how to charm people. Even if it was calculated, Kyeoul was right. I was completely charmed. I nodded silently. My ears turned red again.

This was the moment when a small bud began to bloom from the sprouted seed.

∞ ∞ ∞

Ithae didn’t react at all to my words about breaking up. No, he completely froze, as if not even breathing. Without blinking, without moving his lips, he just stared blankly at my face. He completely stopped, like a turned-off machine.

Suddenly, I wanted to drink a glass of cold water.

Thirst appeared. I wanted to wash away the roughness in my mouth with water and finish everything freshly. Both the food and our breakup. As if nothing had happened. I wanted everything to pass like an ordinary day.

I didn’t avert my gaze from Ithae, leaving everything as it was. Although I expected and feared this moment, for some reason I wasn’t sad at all. Instead, my fingertips were tingling.

I wanted to believe that Ithae wouldn’t be in despair from our breakup. No, it shouldn’t have been like that. If you had even a drop of attachment to me left, you couldn’t have behaved like this.

Even if feelings can’t be eternal, we once loved each other. I didn’t want to see you crumble. Is it possible that when all prepared feelings are exhausted, even personality changes? It’s impossible. Then why did you do this to me? Why were you so cruel?

“Why…”

“You’re not asking because you really don’t know, are you?”

Leaning towards Ithae, I accidentally touched the rice bowl. With a loud sound, the bowl shifted. I pushed the bowl that was about to fall back. Ithae still wasn’t saying anything.

The heaviness in the heart area was somewhat strange. A breakup should be a severing of relations, we might never see each other again… But I felt relief. I felt that I was freed from the round emotions that were pressing on me. Yes. It seemed that I finally got on the right path.

Regret remains only for those who didn’t have time to say everything. So this is not my share. If Ithae asks about the reason for the breakup… Hey, come on. He couldn’t not know.

Ithae observed with unfeeling eyes the moments when I was completely destroyed. Although I didn’t beg or cling to you, you couldn’t have not noticed my despair, even if you ignored it.