Fatigue Syndrome: The Lassitude

“You were snoring.”

“Did the house collapse from surprise?”

I stretched, loosening my stiff body. Because I stretched out a bit, my hair got messy, rubbing against the fabric. Ithae seemed to feel no discomfort and kept his legs straight. I liked the rustling sound, and I rubbed my head against his leg. Ithae’s large hand touched my forehead. Poke. Due to the dry air, it seems static electricity occurred, and I felt a slight tingling on my skin.

Peaceful.

It seemed I could fall asleep again like this. Lazy drowsiness still weighed heavily on my eyelids. Despite the dark night, I could see Ithae’s shining eyes. Judging by the fact that the sun had completely set and full darkness had fallen, a lot of time had passed.

“You were sleeping so soundly that I couldn’t wake you up.”

“How much time has passed? The food must be completely cold. Why didn’t you eat first?”

“…I didn’t want to. I ordered it to eat together after all.”

Ithae said this in a whiny voice uncharacteristic of him. He tilted his head towards me, and his hair scattered. Like countless falling stars in the night sky. I sat up, avoiding his face that couldn’t come closer. Whatever I was going to do, I didn’t really want to do it. Maybe because young Ithae appeared in my dream? Due to the discrepancy with the present, my heart painfully contracted. I felt as if I had collided with cold reality.

I sat up, leaning on the couch, and looked around the apartment with eyes accustomed to the darkness. The delivered food stood on the table, not even unpacked. Since I had a poor lunch and hadn’t had dinner yet, my stomach started to hurt. It seemed that my stomach had contracted from hunger.

“Ah… Yes, speak. What? If I don’t eat now, I’ll just die?”

I leaned over and pretended to be talking to someone in my stomach. Ithae finally raised his lowered head. He looked a bit drained. This is all because he didn’t eat first and didn’t wake up the sleeping person, but just waited. Stupid.

“…”

“Ah-ah. Yes, teacher. It would be good if someone turned on the light in this gloomy apartment and heated up the food?”

“Wait. I’ll heat it up now.”

“Okay.”

I stopped the meaningless performance and obediently answered, leaning back completely. As soon as Ithae finished speaking, he got up and first turned on the light. My eyes, accustomed to darkness, were blinded by the sudden light. “Ow.” When I reflexively moaned, Ithae covered my eyes with his hand. After a few blinks, my eyes got used to the bright world and calmed down.

At such moments, he’s so caring. Why did he act like that then?

Although I didn’t want to understand you, I suddenly became curious. Why didn’t you take care of your partner and fell in love with someone else? If you were really caring, couldn’t you at least observe decency and announce the breakup in advance?

No. Even earlier, a fundamental question remained. Is your care nature or sympathy? Probably, what you’re doing for me now is a habit. Care that has become a habit is now probably directed at others too. Something in my mouth became bitter. The rough taste buds of my tongue caught on the palate.

“Thank you.”

I expressed gratitude for the care that will no longer be taken for granted.

“For what?”

Ithae, heading to the kitchen, replied with puzzlement. You see. That’s why such caring bastards are no good. He doesn’t even know what he did. I clicked my tongue. Doing something unusual and not even realizing it. That’s why I loved you.

Acknowledging this, I didn’t feel heavy. Yes, you were a lovable person, so I gave you my heart. I didn’t want my love to be spoiled. At that time, it was probably sincere, and you too.

And now? I stared intently at his back. I watched Ithae, who was busy transferring food from containers. He’s still beautiful and caring, but… Kwon Ithae, who no longer loves me.

Unrequited love is disgusting.

I turned away. I no longer had a reason to love you. I didn’t have the luxury of expecting feelings that wouldn’t be reciprocated. This is the most unfortunate end of all my relationships, but during the relationship, I was the happiest. That’s enough.

I straightened up, about to lie down again, and took my phone. More than 10 messages had come from Hyunseon and Yeonu each. Why are they so excited? I pressed on the chat to check the content.

Jjukku

[?]

[Really?]

[Did you really sign the contract without warning?]

[Crazy]

[I knew you were a psycho]

Already an adult, yet he expresses himself so rudely. What’s with “crazy”.

[Housewarming]

[Let’s have a housewarming come on]

[Let’s go-go-go!]

[By the way]

[What will you say to him? How are you going to phrase it, uh, dopamine is off the charts]

[When are you moving out of there? Finally, you’ll become single too, you son of a bitch, I didn’t like you since you started dating, you didn’t even go drinking with me ㅠ Do you know how lonely I was???]

[Don’t become a couple]

[Hang out with me]

I sighed, looking at these messages written without any desire to correct typos. Well done, Choi Kyeoul, for being friends with such a guy. I moved my fingers and briefly replied, expressing gratitude for the concern.

[Ok]

Phew. Tiresome.

Imagining Jjukku getting angry after receiving such a reply, I pressed on the next chat. I smiled, remembering Hyunseon’s face. Personal and group chats from various places were flashing with red notifications, but I easily ignored them. In any case, they weren’t very important messages. Just like my relationships with them.

Cicada

[Kyeoul, I heard strange news from Jjukku, is it true?]

[Are you returning to singlehood??? ㅇ0ㅇ]

[Let’s drink, big sister will comfort you]

[If you need introductions, tell me, I can introduce both girls and guys, by the way, I’m on the list of girls ㅋ]

[By the way, I thought…]

[Why did you tell only Jjukku and didn’t tell me? A bit hurtful ㅠ.ㅠ]

[Invite me first to the housewarming]

[Don’t invite that guy together with me!!!]

Yeonu seemed to be really hurt because a few minutes after the end of the messages, she wrote again. In the messages that accumulated while I was sleeping, concern was felt. Although there seemed to be some satisfaction from the breakup.

Before replying, I slightly lowered the phone and looked at Ithae standing by the stove. He pretended not to look at me while transferring snacks to the table. I saw how you looked at me before.

Yes. We need to break up.

I need to give this decent and domestic, but cheating trash to someone else. So that I never look back again.

[Jjukku asked to play with him a bit]

[Calm him down, and then I’ll meet someone, if you’re there, let’s just go drinking ㅋㅋ]

[Come together to the housewarming, you get along well, although you pretend not to like each other]

I replied in a different tone than to Hyunseon. Yeonu and Hyunseon were friends from high school. Awkward with Ithae. Actually, they dated in high school, but then decided to remain friends and drew a line. Since it was their business, I didn’t ask separately. I wonder if it’s possible to remain friends if you break up cleanly? Ithae and I…

It seems it won’t work out?

We have too many memories. No matter how hard I tried to block them, they broke through the collapsed dam. Like you can’t cover the sky with your hands, our memories swayed, turning into a sea. There are things you can’t approach because you know them too well. The place left by a breakup doesn’t disappear. But this place won’t be empty forever.

It means that someday again will come a moment when new grass will grow in this place, other flowers will bloom, and butterflies will fly. As long as the owner of this place doesn’t trample it. At any time.

It wouldn’t be bad to become a beautiful tree with knots.

“Let’s eat.”

“…Yes.”

I was just imagining how I would become even more beautiful. I came out of my reverie. I furled the sail of the swaying boat and gave in to the current. Before such a huge storm, you need not to resist with all your might, but to give in to the waves. Even if you’re carried away by the ebb, the time of high tide will come. You need to hold your breath and wait for the wave.

I got up and headed to the table. The sound of my steps broke the silence. Ithae seemed to be immersed in deep thoughts and just stood in place, waiting for me to approach. Suddenly, I remembered a scene from a comedy show. And I hated myself for remembering it. I wonder when this joke was popular?

However, unable to withstand the quiet and slightly solemn atmosphere, I finally opened my mouth.

“Let’s eat.”

I tilted my head, pulling out a chair. Most people, hearing such a joke, would grimace or look with contempt. I sat up straight and struggled to look at Ithae. When our eyes met, he laughed with a warm gaze. Ithae was a person who didn’t fit into ordinary frames.

“Let’s do that.”

He smiles beautifully, although he’s not going to support the joke.

I took a spoon and looked at Ithae again. He sat across from me and took his phone out of his pocket, placing it on the table. I averted my gaze from Ithae and looked at the food in front of me. White steam spread in all directions. A familiar smell.

“You ordered from here.”

“It’s your favorite restaurant after all.”

“Well… It was.”

Last month, the owner changed there, so I haven’t ordered from there since.

I swallowed the rice I had stuffed into my mouth along with these words. Seeing my cold reaction, Ithae looked at me puzzled, but I didn’t explain the meaning of the past tense. Now it had no value for us. The sound of clanking rice bowls spread sharply like noise.

I put down my spoon and moved Ithae’s favorite fermented octopus paste towards him. It was a natural movement without any ulterior motive. A coincidence arising from knowing what each other likes.

I thought it was natural because I always gave it to him. Although Ithae was never my family by law, I considered him family. We shared feelings surpassing blood ties.

“Maybe you don’t like it now?”

These words were proof that Ithae could also accurately catch my subtle intonations.

“Last month, the owner changed here…”

I opened my mouth to honestly tell Ithae, but at that moment his phone vibrated, and a bright light flashed on the screen. I involuntarily looked there. I had no intention of looking into his personal life. It was a reflexive action. Why didn’t he turn off the preview? I didn’t want to know this.

Deputy Chief Woo

[Chief, then our 2 days and 1 night trip tomorrow…]