DXD^FUCKER

So I strolled into the school, like I'm a rock star and ignored the random whispers about me...

Wait... why would students be talking about me?

This makes no sense, shit I haven't even been in school?!

Well, I try to overhear anything I can, and what I manage to hear makes me want to go and take a bath with a toaster!

-

"Yes, that is the guy! See, he is the Pink Zombie, look at my smartphone video clip!"

And many other variations of this truthful slander!

Was this all?

Nope, I could live with this, but the next set of rumors made me want to call Precious over now, and find two bastards, and yell... Sick Balls!

"Is that the guy who sold himself to a supermodel for money? Why would she want him?"

"He blackmailed an American actress to sleep with him, then she got deported... What a scumbag!"

Oh wait, there's more where that came from...

"What, his older lover died and he was out for the week at her funeral!"

I knew this stuff would happen to Issei in the anime, but why me?

I don't think I did anything wrong, right?

Did I make some bad life choices? (Many!)

No, it is definitely those two jealous bastards fault!

Oh~wait... the Pink Zombie was all me, so I will cut their punishment in half!

-

So I spent the whole day in class, giving the pair of future dead men [Penetrating] gazes...

I know they know I know, because not one single time did those idiots turn to look at me!

Of course, while I was hatching my dastardly revenge plan, all the students continued to gossip.

"You two prepare yourself, wedgies inbound!"

I had thought of sicking bees on them, but I definitely would feel bad if that killed them, so I will use classic hazing!

-

During Japanese History class, my teacher Mr. Mai said quietly...

"Wow, he got away!"

He was being super polite to me, and even gave me a pillow to sleep on!

He said nothing about the night, but I got it.

I hoped he was too frightened to notice I was the savior, but he remembered.

Funnily, when a student protested the pillow, the teacher just said.

"If you can get perfect scores like young hero Mr. Tanaka, then you may do as you please!"

Yup he still knows, damn!

-

Ding Dong~Whoosh Whoosh~! Shit, the lunch-bell rang, and my pair of bastard friends used the speed-force to escape.

Wow Is Motohama a Reincarnated Devil as well, he was fast?

-

Well here I am... at a lunch table, by myself.

Literally everyone is avoiding my table, like I'm an axe murderer.

Damn this is like Highschool on Earth zero.

I was a nerd back then, and had few friends... It kinda sucked, this is feeling like that again.

Sniff~! A very nice smell fills my nose, even over the decent smelling lunch I'm eating?

Then I heard an unexpected voice.

"Hello Mr. Tanaka, how have you been doing recently? Mind if I sit next to you?"

It was none other than Rias Gremory?!

Why is she talking to me?

I only sell her books, and I didn't stalk her or any nonsense like that!

I said sadly...

"Um, Seniors, you are always welcome, but I would advise against it. I seem to attract many bad rumors about myself."

Rias sat at my left side with her box lunch, and asked.

"Bad rumors? They don't affect me! Oh, May my best friend also join as well?"

I just silently nodded my head.

As I'm eating another piece of my Bento Box Lunch, I made of course, a long black haired girl sat to my right.

"Cough Cough Cough~!"

Seeing Akeno at my side, caught me off guard, and I swallowed the wrong way, gaining the attention of the whole fucking lunchroom!

It's over, my school life is done!

With her Yamato Nadeshiko smile, she asks.

"Are you alright, Mr. Tanaka?"

Damn her!

She did that on purpose, that's how my Mom looks at my Dad when she does the same thing!

"Cough Um, I'm incredible with the top 2 most beautiful girls at my table, right Miss Akeno Himejima?!"

Followed by a minute or two of comfortable silence they prepped their own Bento boxes.

Of course all good things must end and Akeno asks, after casting a lie detection magic.

"You have come to my mountain a few times, Tanaka, but you haven't come to say hello to my cat Shiro?"

She said this with subtle seduction, I know it's fake, but even fake is real. right?

Kala, save me!

"Oh, I'm sorry if I was trespassing or something! I just really love that part of the forest. If you want me to stop coming, then I will! As far as visiting Shiro, he has forgotten me by now, so no problem there, haha. I didn't want to approach your place of work and make you feel uncomfortable!"

Big G's curse continues...

"Damn, I'm talking too much again!"

Then Akeno covers her mouth and giggles.

I looked at Rias and asked.

"What did I say to make her laugh at me?"

She giggled,and told me bad things...

"You're thinking out loud again!"

And the look of realization hit me... like a fucking truck!

Did Big G curse me to spout bull shit around Rias!

I looked Rias in the eyes, focused on myself and said.

"This is your fault!"

Fuck, now both of them are laughing like tinkling fairies with bouncing breasts, and the whole lunchroom is staring at the 3 of us!

Now I'm just pouting, like a child!

Akeno pulls herself together and suggests.

"You may come to my Shrine any time, in fact I insist, don't be shy okay?!"

"Fuck I'm not shy, I'm just not that bold..."

My mouth betrayed me again!

Rias shoots back!

"Out loud again!"

Fuck, I'm going to stop talking altogether!

And I ignore them!

Just eat and run.

Rias casually asks me.

"I don't want to seem too intrusive, but I'm just too curious, can you clear up some rumors for me?"

Oh shit my eyes just wigged out a bit... I felt that magic from Akeno focused on me now!

So I try to control the topic...

"Like the one about blackmail?"

I boldly state!

"I swear on my family name... I would never blackmail, pay, or force any woman to do anything against their will. I'm not a degenerate piece of crap!"

"Damn that stung a bit to be untrusted, sigh."

"I'm very sorry, and you thought out loud again."

Rias answered with a warm smile.

"Okay, I am half as mad now!"

However, like a good cop and a bad cop, the sexy Akeno puts her smartphone playing a video in my face, and asks!

"Oh, What about this one?"

Devil!

What Akeno is showing me, is a very sad limping and crying Pink Zombie, with a very happy Mastiff playfully talking about the mounting Master crap!

And the whole school is deathly silent, watching this travesty play out!

And these pair of bimbos can't read the room, notice the audience, and the death of any social life I could have recovered!

Fuck it, let us make some Devil Lie Detection Magic lemonade!

I put on a sad face for my acting career...

"I... I was coming from my Wife's house... I was cleaning the place out this last week, and since poor Precious and I were left behind, I... I had to move everything by myself..."

I wiped a fake tear.

"That's why I was crying... I had my clothes destroyed, and I had to wear her tracksuit she left behind, so I and the dog could come back to my house."

Nailed it, just wait for my Oscar!

Don't think I didn't notice the truth detection spell you cast Akeno!

All I have to do isn't lie!

Sure, I just ruined my Gremory Harem Rout, but fuck it!

Because my lower-back still hurts!

While I basked in my greatness, Rias followed with...

"Where is your Wife now?"

Rias the caring airhead!

Um..... Shit.... Oh~well.

With my awkward face, I muttered...

"She is in.... Heaven..."

I said that in a small voice.

If I say anything else, it will be a lie.

This is bad right?

However... I underestimated the D×D world!

Oh, I'm so naive!

After I said those words, the whole fucking place broke out in a sad sigh.

In my confusion, I saw a lot of girls crying?

What DA-fuck.... Oh shit, I see now! (Insert mental facepalm here)

Rias had a tear in her eye, and said softly to me.

"I'm terribly sorry for your loss. It will get better, I hope!"

Akeno hugged my shoulder, and said...

"If you ever just need to talk, this Big Sister is here for you!"

Are you pressing your big ass boobs intentionally, lady?

Damn they are fucking big!

Holy-cow... my Wife is alive in Heaven you idiots.

Well that will teach you to try and use a lie detector on a professional white liar!

I then escape the range of the spell and say to the pair.

"Sorry... I'm going back to class now... Thank you for your company, goodbye!"

Then I beat my feet, and tried to remember if I told any lie, since the spell turned on?

-

After Matsuda bailed, before laughter could explode and bust him...

Akeno, remembering the day at her first meeting with the boy, says.

"Sadly Matsuda told no lies after I cast the spell! It is so tragic to lose a Wife so early. As for a Sacred Gear, I was unable to detect one when I touched him, but I will watch further if you want?"

Rias put her finger on her chin in thought, and said.

"It is weird though, his Dad said he never had a girlfriend? And yes, watch him. Sona already has a full peerage from what my Brother just told me!"

Akeno cleaned up her Bento box lunch and said.

"Yes President! Maybe his Dad didn't know about her? Marriage and girlfriend are two different things after all? How did Matsuda act when his Dad said that?"

"Oh! That's right... Matsuda was actually shocked! Ah, So that's why! His parents didn't know!"

Rias smiled at her own brilliant deduction!

+-+-+--------------------------------+-+-+

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