Delusive Fate

#019

But I just left some weak words and carelessly put down my phone.

I breathed shallowly. I rolled my dry eyes to the left, then to the right. I looked at our home. A house with all the necessary appliances and furniture, showing the vitality of two people’s lives. A house full of memories of me and Baek-woo.

Though it was clearly filled with various things, somehow the house felt empty. It used to be a house that made me feel cozy the moment I came home, no matter how tired or exhausted I was, because it was packed full of Baek-woo’s and my tastes and time. How could it feel so different after just one short phone call that lasted less than two minutes?

I curled up, bringing my legs together and bending my knees.

‘He said “okay”. Just now, Baek-woo…’

When I said, “No, Baek-woo,” he just said “okay” and hung up. He didn’t say anything else.

I expected him to say something like, “It’s a joke, hyung. How could you fall for that? There’s no way I could have forgotten,” or 

“Wait, I was so busy I wasn’t thinking straight. I just remembered, I’m sorry hyung. I’ll come home right away.”

But the call just ended with an “okay”.

I didn’t want to think about anything, so I just fiddled with my hands resting on my knees. I picked and picked at the hangnails around my fingernails until all ten fingers were bleeding before I stopped.

With my bloodied hands, I scratched my forearms vigorously. I scratched until it felt unbearable. When the skin was scraped off and bleeding from my fingernails, I then vigorously scratched the side of my calves. I did this until my fingernails hurt too much to continue scratching.

“Ah.”

When I stopped scratching, a huge mass of emotion crashed over me like a wave. It felt like a tsunami was hitting right in front of my eyes.

The mass that came rushing in, huge like a ghost and forceful like a raging torrent, contained loneliness. Loneliness, emptiness, bewilderment, and vain emotions like being in the middle of a collapsed tunnel, all tangled like weeds’ roots, poured down on my crown with a bang.

My neck felt heavy, and I buried my forehead between my knees.

I didn’t think deeply. I really tried hard not to. So I told myself I didn’t know why I was crying now, that this was just an ordinary trouble that could happen anytime, that a person can’t always be the same, that originally most other people often forget about promises and live that way… As I kept trying to package this incident as lightly as possible, I sobbed a little.

How many times is this now?

No, let’s not think about it. Baek-woo and I aren’t the kind of relationship that can be calculated by numbers. He says he’s busy with work, what can I do? It’s a world where Destruction has struck.

But how many times is this now?

“Why is this suddenly happening…”

Why, why, why. Why aren’t you telling me what’s going on? You weren’t like this before… You really weren’t like this before. Let’s not think like this. But you’ve changed so suddenly. Please don’t think. You should tell me what’s going on so I can do something. Please… please don’t think anything. But I’m still the same, so why has only Baek-woo changed?

Why have only you become like this? Why did you suddenly become like this?

I didn’t feel like getting up at all. I kept curling up. I didn’t move an inch, as if trapped in an egg.

Yes, I wish I could just become an egg.

Like Gregor Samsa who woke up to find himself transformed into a bug, I wish I could wake up and find myself transformed into an egg. If I become an egg, I won’t have to make promises or be disappointed when those promises are ignored. If I’m not disappointed, I won’t have to do despicable things like resenting Baek-woo even for a moment.

But what happened to Gregor in the end… Ah, his family killed him, didn’t they?

If I become an egg, would Baek-woo come to hate me and turn me into a fried egg?

Ending my life as a sunny-side up for Baek-woo doesn’t seem too bad.

“Haa…”

The heart is too fickle. If it had been not long ago, I wouldn’t have thought like this. I would have been certain that if I turned into an egg, Baek-woo would definitely try to hatch me… I continued these utterly useless, garbage-like delusions to forget time. Meanwhile, my tears stopped and my disappointment subsided. It was the exhaustion I’d been feeling often these days.

When I lost track of how much time had passed, my phone rang, and I finally came to my senses.

“Hello.”

– Hello, I’m calling to confirm your reservation time. It’s lunch for two people including you, correct?

“No.”

– Pardon?

“I don’t think I can make it…”

– Oh, Mr. Lee Han-sol?

“Yes…”

– But last time you said you couldn’t come, so we postponed the reservation… You can’t come this time either?

“I’m sorry…”

– Then how should we… Do you want to change the date? But we’ve been accommodating you as much as possible because you said you’re a hunter. It could be because of gates… Usually, no-shows are just no-shows and date changes aren’t allowed…

“I’m sorry…”

I apologized, bowing my head to the empty air while holding the phone. There wasn’t much to say. It was entirely my fault, both last time and this time. As it’s the most popular fine dining restaurant in B district these days, the restaurant had already shown their maximum kindness by allowing one change of reservation.

I shouldn’t have made a reservation at a place like this. Trying to do something nice unnecessarily…

After I weakly mumbled apologies several times, a slightly softened voice came back.

– Then what would you like to do? Should we change your reservation? But this will be the last change. This is as far as I can go with my discretion.

I looked at the empty air for a moment, then buried my forehead between my knees again.

“Just cancel it please… I’m sorry…”

– Cancel? You know the deposit is non-refundable, right?

“Yes…”

– Um, last time we had to discard the custom birthday cake you ordered because you didn’t come… If you don’t even change the reservation, won’t your loss be too big?

“Yes… I’m sorry…”

Alright, I’ve cancelled your reservation. Have a good day. With the restaurant employee’s formal greeting, silence fell again.

These days, Baek-woo kept breaking the promises he made with me. No, it might be better to say it that way. These days, Baek-woo just completely forgot about the promises he made with me.

Until now, the only promise we had ever failed to keep to each other was “not getting hurt”. It was unthinkable for us to forget promises we made to each other. It wasn’t about trying to keep them. For both me and Baek-woo, we simply lived for our promises to each other, so there was no need for effort. Like how people eat, sleep, and excrete to live, it was something our bodies and minds naturally followed without needing to reflect on it. That was our promise.

And I was still like that.

But Baek-woo wasn’t, while I remained the same.

All the plans I had prepared to celebrate Baek-woo’s birthday were already ruined by Baek-woo’s failure to show up.

Reserving a popular restaurant two months in advance, ordering a cake, preparing a gift, writing a very long letter with all my sincerity… All of these were ruined by Baek-woo’s unannounced overnight stay. The reservation became nothing, the cake was discarded due to its expiration date.

The letter… I lost the courage to give it to him. A letter filled with all my feelings, written on five pages of embarrassingly designed paper.

How worried I am about you right now, how much I want to know your feelings, how unchanging my feelings for you are, so I wish you would tell me soon. I can be the unchanging one, so you can change. Just let me know before you change. Because I need to prepare to get used to that new you. I’m waiting for you to be ready to tell me, Baek-woo. And happy birthday, thank you so much for being born, thank you so much for being my Baek-woo, I love you so much. You silkworm pupa that never grows in its cocoon.

Now I didn’t have the courage to deliver such a letter to Baek-woo.

To think that I need courage to give something good to Baek-woo. And to give up giving it because I don’t even have that…

If the me from a few days ago saw this, he would have scoffed, saying this was an impossible, absurd delusion that would never happen. But what can I do? The certainty that my letter would be something good for Baek-woo suddenly disappeared.

Haha, this is funny. Is this really the emotion I’m feeling right now…

I felt powerless. Like floating about a hand’s width above the ground, unable to touch the ground no matter how much I struggled.

‘You’re back?’

‘What, hyung… Did you wait without sleeping?’

‘I didn’t know when you’d come in… I didn’t think you wouldn’t come at all.’

When Baek-woo returned only the next day, I awkwardly smiled while barely managing to hand him his gift. Baek-woo, seeming to realize only after seeing the gift, apologized to me with a troubled face. He said we should go to the restaurant we were supposed to go to next time, and that he would be free on the 17th of next week, so it would be good to go then.

‘The 17th? You’re not busy then?’

‘Yeah, I’m sorry hyung. I should have at least called yesterday…’

‘It’s okay, what can we do about being busy. Last year on my birthday, I couldn’t be with you because I had to go on a raid. This is just like that, right?’

‘I’m sorry hyung…’

‘What are you sorry for? Then I’ll try to postpone the reservation to the 17th. Do you promise we’ll definitely go together then?’

‘Yeah, of course. Promise.’

I extended my pinky finger playfully with a smile. Baek-woo seemed to hesitate a little, but soon intertwined his pinky with mine. I believed in Baek-woo again.

I kept believing like that over and over.

Even though Baek-woo kept breaking my trust over and over, if he promised the next time with an embarrassed smile, I kept believing him willingly over and over. It was a habitual trust.