Delusive Fate

#020

The disappearance of conversation happened in an instant.

“I’m going.”

“Have a good day.”

From waking up in the morning, washing up, having a quick breakfast of cereal, changing into outdoor clothes, to standing at the entrance ready to leave the house.

Ki Baek-woo and I didn’t exchange a single word.

After putting on my familiar sneakers, I grabbed the doorknob. Today was my day to go on a raid.

I hesitated for a moment and looked back. I saw Ki Baek-woo finishing up in the kitchen and leisurely walking into the living room. Our eyes met. So I greeted him. “I’m going.” Ki Baek-woo nodded and said, “Have a good day.”

That was our first and last conversation of the day.

I debated whether I should spread my arms as usual, waiting for Ki Baek-woo to hug me back. I didn’t come to a conclusion. But feeling awkward as quite some time had passed since the farewell greeting, I just spread my arms.

As I smiled at Ki Baek-woo, this time he didn’t meet my eyes.

‘Ah, I should have just left… I guess Baek-woo doesn’t want to do this anymore…’

I naturally thought this as I watched Ki Baek-woo standing motionless about three steps away.

I shouldn’t have done it. Whether we always did this or not, whether this was our way of greeting or not, I just shouldn’t have done it…

By then, I was getting used to these pathetic thoughts. Humans are indeed animals of adaptation. At first, even a slight change in Ki Baek-woo’s behavior would make my heart race anxiously and leave me restless all day, but now this situation wasn’t unfamiliar or particularly shocking. In the meantime, I even had thoughts like this:

‘Instead of being anxious about Baek-woo changing, I should just adapt to this new Baek-woo. I’m the hyung after all. Rather than pathetically resenting him, I should adjust to and understand Baek-woo no matter what he’s like. Why didn’t I think of that before? I must be really stupid. To only realize this now. No matter his attitude or appearance, Ki Baek-woo is still Ki Baek-woo. The important thing is the essence that we love and depend on each other. I shouldn’t force my way. I should endure patiently and get used to the changes…’

That was the conclusion my adrenaline had come to. The great hormone that, when stress builds up excessively, bursts out at some point and makes you figure out how to survive.

Let’s adjust completely to Ki Baek-woo. Let’s accept any version of Ki Baek-woo. Let’s act calmly and composedly like a proper hyung. After all, Ki Baek-woo still loves me. Even if Ki Baek-woo’s attitude changes, that’s an absolute fact that doesn’t change, like the unchanging truth that the Earth rotates and the Sun is hot. So I shouldn’t judge that the past and present are different based on small behaviors. Yes, that’s just being childish. Don’t act immaturely.

Act your age, Lee Han-sol.

Be a proper hyung because you’re the hyung. You must support all versions of Ki Baek-woo.

Looking back later, it was the most pitiful and pathetic self-rationalization, but at that time, I needed that kind of mental victory. If I didn’t think that way, an anxiety that made me feel like I would die in the next minute approached.

Ki Baek-woo was just tired from fatigue, and if I acted according to Ki Baek-woo’s desired way, eventually everything would be resolved.

I had to think vaguely and optimistically to breathe easier. I didn’t care about when it would happen.

Anyway, we were going to be together until we died, and we promised to be together even after death. If whatever it was didn’t get resolved in this life, we could look forward to after death. After death is eternity. So all I needed were happy thoughts. The unidentified chill that followed my heels like a shadow. If I could pretend not to know it, that was enough.

It was from then that I started acting while watching Ki Baek-woo’s mood.

Not making promises since Ki Baek-woo seemed tired of being bound by promises with me, not urging him to come straight home after raids since he seemed to want to rest outside, and keeping my mouth shut since Ki Baek-woo didn’t seem to want to chat.

And today.

‘I guess he doesn’t want to hug anymore either. I shouldn’t do this either…’

There are too many things I shouldn’t do…

I started to wonder if I should just lower my awkwardly spread arms. Just as maintaining my smile started to feel difficult, Ki Baek-woo finally walked over reluctantly and hugged me.

‘Oh no… This is bad.’

I became confused about whether I should squeeze my eyes shut or open them even wider. It was because my vision blurred with tears that suddenly welled up.

I didn’t want to shed tears here. Shedding tears meant crying. Crying was out of the question. Crying because Ki Baek-woo hugged me… That was something that really shouldn’t happen. This was supposed to be natural. No matter how much Ki Baek-woo had changed, I shouldn’t feel this way about hugging, an act we had repeated endlessly throughout our lives.

Doing this makes me feel like… like an idiot stuck in a hopeless one-sided love who finally received a charitable acceptance after years of unrequited pursuit.

Ki Baek-woo’s broad embrace that could completely envelop me. The cozy scent of Ki Baek-woo that I could smell when I pressed my cheek against his firm chest. Ki Baek-woo’s warm body temperature that made me want to lie down together in the sunlight right away… The delicate shape of the arms around my back, the strength giving just the right amount of stability, the gentleness that could lull me to sleep. Everything looked like I was someone outside of Ki Baek-woo’s life, moved by experiencing it all for the first time…

Ah. Why am I acting like this?

I bit the inside of my lip and tried to feel Ki Baek-woo’s embrace for as long as possible. Since Baek-woo seemed to find it bothersome, I couldn’t ask for hugs anymore. So I wanted to remember this moment meticulously, without missing anything. When I want to hug Baek-woo, I’ll have to endure like a proper hyung each time by recalling this moment.

‘Just a little more, really just one more second…’

I lingered pathetically again. Then, as Ki Baek-woo started to show signs of annoyance, I hurriedly pulled away.

There was a moment of silence. It was a familiar silence now.

This time too, I waved my hand with a forced smile.

“G-goodbye, I mean, Baek-woo, I’m going now.”

I quickly changed my words after almost saying “goodbye.” Somehow, “goodbye” sounded like it meant the end of our relationship. Thinking that now every little thing bothered me and that if others knew, they would surely see me as some kind of deficient idiot, I opened the front door. I glanced back slightly.

Ki Baek-woo waved his hand with a blank face. He didn’t let me hear his voice.

I’m not disappointed, I’m not disappointed, I’m not disappointed.

I muttered as if chanting a spell in my mind. I stepped out and closed the front door.

It was quiet outside.

It’s just as quiet inside and outside. A very good environment for mental stability. Haha.

I tried to force a joke in my mind. I pressed the elevator button. Watching the floor indicator numbers change slowly, I realized that the only time I heard Ki Baek-woo’s voice today was the short “Have a good day.”

But he did tell me to have a good day. That means he wants me to come back.

It was the only words, but more valuable than any other. I nodded blankly.

We really haven’t been talking lately.

As I also kept my mouth shut to please Ki Baek-woo, the house became filled with lonely and desolate silence. I too was lonely and desolate… No. That’s not true. I won’t be childish. I will understand Ki Baek-woo patiently and maturely. Because I love Ki Baek-woo no matter what kind of person he is. I don’t like him because he does something for me. Of course, Ki Baek-woo also…

‘…Is that so?’

I doubted unconsciously, then startled, shook my head as if to shake off the thought.

Let’s stop these useless fantasies and think about the upcoming raid. The teammate I’m going in with this time doesn’t seem to match well with me… Well, it’ll work out somehow. Let’s just do my part.

Ding, I got on the elevator that arrived with a mechanical sound. Through the closing doors, I looked at our apartment’s front door, which somehow seemed like it would never open again.

***

When did I become such an idiot?

“Lee Han-sol!”

I heard someone calling my name along with the sound of consecutive explosions. Boom, boom, boom! It was the voice of Kim Jin-oh, a colleague I’m often teamed with. Although Kim Jin-oh just shouted my name briefly, I knew it implied a long rebuke: “Lee Han-sol, you idiot! What are you doing?! Are you trying to die?”

It’s not that Kim Jin-oh and I are close enough to understand each other without speaking. It’s just that, objectively, I was currently acting like a complete fool.

Screeeeech! Screech!

I heard a noise that could burst my eardrums. I stopped my leisurely running and turned around.

The flames I created were explosively spreading, interlocking with Kim Jin-oh’s barrier. Inside, a huge destruction was writhing.

So this is how it feels… I quietly watched the red fireball burning the pitch-black destruction while destroying everything around it.

When teamed with Kim Jin-oh, we always attacked like this. Kim Jin-oh would create a confined space with his barrier, and I would push flames into it. Then, just as the oxygen inside the space was almost completely consumed, we would break the barrier.

The flames would then explode enormously as if they had been waiting, engulfing and burning the destruction vigorously.

This method had the risk of injuring us too, but it had the great advantage of increasing attack power, allowing us to finish raids easily and quickly.

Despite ending many raids with this method, it was the first time I watched how these flames burned the destruction. The massive flames that swallowed the huge destruction. The intense and hot red light that could blind your eyes.

So this is how it feels… It’s too hot. Can’t breathe…

Until now, I had always desperately hidden my body to avoid being injured by this explosion. I would find any place to hide, curl up tightly, and keep my eyes closed until the flames subsided. So I saw it for the first time. Both the overwhelming flames and the destruction being miserably melted and burned.

And the dungeon structures scattering in all directions from the explosion.

“Shit, hey! Lee Han-sol!”

I heard Kim Jin-oh shouting again. I think I heard something like “you crazy bastard” following, but I couldn’t hear clearly.

Thud!

Because the sound of a fire-heated rock flying and crashing into my shoulder was louder.