Delusive Fate

#018

“The dungeon core was destroyed two days ago. All team members returned without any missing. There’s no way Ki Baek-woo hunter couldn’t be contacted, right? Anyway, try contacting him properly once more. We can only confirm whether he’s returned or not from here.”

The center’s complaint team staff repeated words I couldn’t understand in a kind, calm voice that couldn’t hide their curiosity. It was a gentle riddle.

I stupidly answered, “Yes…” and belatedly said, “Thank you…” before quietly putting down my phone.

“The consultation is over, but you haven’t hung up, so I’ll end the call first. Have a good day, Hunter.”

I faintly heard the consultant’s soft voice. The call finally ended completely.

I turned my head to look out the window where dawn was breaking.

Since last week when Ki Baek-woo left for the raid, the curtains on the living room window had been open the whole time. From there, I could see everyone entering the apartment. I could instantly recognize Ki Baek-woo, who would look like a tiny dot crossing the parking lot. If only Ki Baek-woo would come, such a thing would be a piece of cake.

But why doesn’t he come?

I dialed Baek-woo’s phone number again. The dial tone connected and then abruptly cut off.

Why doesn’t he answer the phone?

The destruction hadn’t changed, and Ki Baek-woo had safely escaped the gate. I wanted to deny it. Even though I had prayed for only this all along, for some reason I didn’t want to believe this fact. I thought of all the flaws in the center’s system.

Could it be that they think the gate is closed when it’s not? Could they have just carelessly checked him as returned without even seeing Baek-woo? After all, field staff and office staff don’t communicate well. So maybe even the central center just haphazardly…

But even that soon came to a powerless stop.

Where could Baek-woo be now?

It felt like cold water was slowly filling up beneath my feet.

***

Ki Baek-woo kept zoning out.

When eating with me, talking with me, falling asleep with me, hugging me. Often, during all the time he was with me, Ki Baek-woo fell into other thoughts.

“Baek-woo.”

I found myself calling out to Ki Baek-woo more and more, interrupting various conversations. It was such an unfamiliar thing. It was so strange that when it first happened, I stuttered, not knowing how to draw Ki Baek-woo’s attention when he was looking elsewhere with me right in front of him.

How should I deal with someone who’s spacing out? Should I call their name? Wave my hand in front of their eyes?

After hesitating for a while, flustered by the unfamiliar situation, I just closed my mouth and remained silent. I pretended as if I hadn’t said anything in the first place.

When he comes to his senses, Baek-woo will ask me.

‘Sorry, hyung. I must have zoned out for a moment because I’m tired. Did you say something?’

Then I would answer, ‘No, it’s okay. You can be like that when you’re tired. I didn’t say anything, so don’t worry.’ After that, I should naturally continue the conversation we were having. That was the plan…

But things didn’t go as I thought.

When Ki Baek-woo belatedly returned to reality, contrary to my expectations, he didn’t say anything. Our eyes met, but he didn’t ask anything. It was a very natural silence. Unlike me pretending, he was nonchalant as if his indifference towards me was intentional.

As if he had been distracted elsewhere the whole time since the moment he sat across from me, as if it were natural…

This is strange. I thought habitually at that time.

Ki Baek-woo focused on me even when he was down with a fever. I was the same. It was natural because only we existed in our world. We were the only ones to look at, think about, and devote our energy to. Even when making pointless jokes with no nutritional value, we had never not focused on each other.

Baek-woo acting like this is too strange.

So I wanted to know so badly what Ki Baek-woo was thinking. I was curious. It bothered me too much to laugh off, and it worried me. And for some unknown reason, for reasons I couldn’t even guess why I was feeling this way, a sharp fear kept rising along my spine.

“Ki Baek-woo, you keep spacing out these days.”

“Ah… do I?”

“How can you do that with me right in front of you? That’s too much. I might get upset. You know it’s no joke when I get upset, right?”

My acting skills had improved. Jae-i noona, who might be living somewhere, might praise me if she saw. Jae-i noona, whom I met on the streets when I was young. She used to teach me more skillful ways to survive.

‘Lee Han-sol, the most important thing to survive in these war-like times is a poker face. The reason why you get caught and beaten up for stealing while I don’t get caught and stay fine for doing the same thing. That’s exactly why. Pretending you didn’t steal even when you did, pretending you didn’t lie even when you did, pretending you’re not scared even when you are. Got it? You need to practice pretending even more since you’re dragging around that little kid. That’s how you can survive as long and safely as possible. Understand? If you understand, answer me. What did I just say was important?’

‘Pretending like nothing’s wrong!’

I answered bravely then, pretending to understand, but in the end, I couldn’t break the habit of showing everything as it was. Jae-i noona, who had been training me to pretend, finally gave up and said:

‘Well, there are things you can’t fix no matter how long you try. I guess that’s just your innate nature, Lee Han-sol. Honest and unable to hide. I’m giving up now, so you’re on your own.’

I self-deprecatingly thought that I never expected Ki Baek-woo to fix a habit of mine that even the issue of survival couldn’t change.

By that time, I was constantly testing Ki Baek-woo, pretending not to know, pretending to be okay, pretending it wasn’t happening. I tried to deceive Ki Baek-woo, and in the process, I tried to deceive myself as well.

It’s fine. I’m not doubting. I’m definitely not scared. What would I be scared of? This is just asking.

I felt cowardly and dirty for acting this way. But I couldn’t help it. Because no matter how I asked, Ki Baek-woo only repeated mechanical answers.

“Don’t do that, hyung. I must be tired these days.”

“What? I’m going to get upset? I’m just going to be upset for about a hundred years and torment you for that entire hundred years. If you don’t tell me why you’ve been acting like this in 5 seconds, I’m going to get upset right now. One, two, three…”

“I’m sorry, hyung, you know… The raids these days aren’t like they used to be, so it’s hard. They’re complicated and take longer, so I guess I’m running out of energy. What other reason could there be? So cut me some slack, okay? We can’t help the gates, right?”

“Ah, the gates.”

“Yeah. Would I deliberately think about other things in front of you, hyung? Not just anyone, but in front of Lee Han-sol?”

In front of Ki Baek-woo repeating obvious lies, all I could do was pretend everything was fine. I couldn’t burst out with all my anxious feelings as I wanted to, shouting that I knew he was lying and asking why he was treating me this way. It was instinct.

I can’t stop. If I stop, I’ll die.

The survival instinct from my young days that made me realize things no one had taught me. Like that, faced with an unknown reality I had never experienced before, I came to understand without even realizing it.

I can’t do that. The moment I desperately demand the truth and cling to it, everything will break. Everything will be ruined.

What will be ruined? I asked my chilling instinct.

The instinct, which was ultimately me, gave no answer.

I don’t know, but anyway, it will be ruined. If you don’t want to ruin anything, just shut up and stay put.

It only gave me that feeling. So even though I knew it was an ugly and pathetic attitude, even though I knew I shouldn’t treat Baek-woo this way, I pretended everything was fine.

“That’s right.”

“Huh?”

“There’s no way you, Ki Baek-woo, would be distracted by something else when I’m here.”

“Haha… That’s right, hyung. It’s obvious, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. It’s obvious…”

“Yeah…”

“Gates are bad. They drain all of Ki Baek-woo’s energy and make him distracted… right?”

Watching me laugh even though I was in no mood to laugh, Ki Baek-woo laughed along. I was curious.

Whether I was acting so well as if possessed, or whether Ki Baek-woo was so disinterested in me that he couldn’t tell this was a lie.

But I didn’t want an answer.

It was a fear I didn’t want to acknowledge.

***

Ki Baek-woo started forgetting our promises.

“Yeah, hyung.”

“Where are you?”

“Huh?”

“I came out after showering and you’re not home? Are you a magician, Ki Baek-woo? Where did you disappear to in that time?”

“Ah, I just stepped out for a bit.”

“Without saying anything? When will you be back?”

“Well… when work is done. Why?”

“Did something suddenly come up? You said you had no schedule today.”

“Well, you know how it is with destruction-related stuff. It’s not like gates appear with advance notice.”

“Then when does work end?”

“I don’t know… But why? Did you call to ask about that?”

“Huh?”

“Why are you asking so persistently? Did something happen?”

“I’m… asking persistently?”

“Well, not persistently. It’s just that you’re asking in detail even though I said it’s work. When you know the situation.”

“Ah… But Ki Baek-woo, it’s the 17th today?”

“Yeah, so?”

“It’s Thursday the 17th?”

“I know that too, so?”

I looked into space while fiddling with my still damp hair after the shower.

Ki Baek-woo, are you joking right now? I wanted to ask that while laughing casually.

I wanted to keep the conversation going somehow until our dialogue returned to its normal track. If I had been certain that the current Ki Baek-woo was the Ki Baek-woo I knew, I probably would have really done so. I would have continued the call until my phone got hot and the battery drained significantly, until I heard the answer I wanted.

“No, Baek-woo… Work hard and come back. I just asked because I was curious.”