Accountant Isekai

Standing inside a deep cave, separated from the outside world by a massive gate, I stood before a parade float. There were crystals in the air that lit it up.

The parade float had a massive statue of a god that I didn't recognize in the center. This deity was depicted as having three noses, two lidless eyes, and a...I'm not even going to mention what the Dark Elves made explicit and long despite the god being fully clothed. It towered over most of the buildings in Gran Kuraz. There was a short wall on the side of the float, coated in images of various elven gods.

Now, as for what it was made of...

This float's wheels were made of imported wood. Its axles came from the bones of various cave monsters. The statue was crafted out of a bone from some sort of giant creature. As for the platform itself, wood was too expensive to be used on something that would only be used once every several centuries.

So, they made it out of cave lizard hide. The problem is that these scales are stretchy. When I stepped on it, my feet sank in. I couldn't move.

"How ist thine float?" a Dark Elf called out.

"It's a bit soft!" I said. "I'm having trouble moving!"

"'tis the point! Now, thou wilt not need to worry about staying upright! Thine legs art fixed in place!" she declared.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

"What happens if I get attacked?" I asked.

Several Dark Elves in full armor jumped on the float. They sank into the platform even deeper than I did. Then, the elves raised their arms into the air. A dome of magical energy formed over us. The dome became transparent before turning invisible.

"Thou art perfectly safe!" the Dark Elf on the ground assured me.

"I hope so," I muttered to myself.

My gaze turned to the statue looming over me.

"What god is that?"

Shock coated every single Dark Elf in the area. They gave each other looks of confusion.

"That ist thine patron god," the Dark Elf on the ground explained. "'tis Dʰéǵʰom."

"He doesn't look anything like that," I said.

"I don't look anything like that," Dʰéǵʰom stated.

The Dark Elves looked more confused now.

"Strange," the woman on the ground said. "Heeksen told us Dʰéǵʰom looked like that."

"Of course, that trickster god did," Dʰéǵʰom sighed.

"It's probably a form Dʰéǵʰom used to take that he doesn't use anymore," I did not want to cause any conflict with the gods of the Dark Elves. "So, it's not wrong, just outdated."

The confusion faded from the Dark Elves' faces.

"It hast been some time since Heeksen told us this," the woman on the ground nodded.

"How long?" I asked.

"500 years."

"I wasn't even alive back then," I said.

"Yes. And even for elves, a lot can change in that time," the Dark Elf stated. "'tis only natural that the god of humanity hast human traits, like frequent change."

"Alright. How long until the parade starts?" I questioned.

The Dark Elf on the ground held up her hand with fingers spread out.

"Five minutes," she said.

Utter shock flowed through me.

"What? Five minutes? That's just...too soon!" I stated before thinking. "I at least want to have my retainers with me!"

"Thou needst worry not, Saint Gustav. Thou needst to do little save smile and wave," the Dark Elf replied.

Dammit. Oh, well, nothing I can do about it now. If this was some sort of trap, I'd just have to bullshit my way out of it somehow. I sighed and got ready for the parade.

Great trumpets blared, sending their cries through the air. Countless drums beat. The gate in front of me opened wide. Ahead of me were several albino lizards. They were the size of elephants and had ropes attaching them to my float. A legion of Dark Elf soldiers were in front of them, lined up in rows with spears proudly displayed. These weapons were engraved with images of gods.

Considering how expensive wood was down here, this must have cost a lot of money. Not as much as a wooden float, but still.

I looked behind me as more glowing crystals were raised into the air, illuminating everything. A set of floats was in my vision. Each one had a statue of a god on it. A priest stood in front of each idol.

The largest float was in the back of the parade. It had a massive statue of what I assumed was the Dark Elf goddess of fertility, standing taller than the statue on my float. All the platforms were connected to giant lizards.

With a sudden lurch, I moved forward. The giant lizards pulled my float out of the cave and into the streets of Gran Kuraz.

Clamoring cheers hit my ears. A great crowd was lined around us, restrained by a wall of guards with large shields. Short swords were on their hips. The spearwomen ahead of us stomped their spear on the ground with each move. This created a rhythm that had the cadence of a marching song.

I tried to hear what people in the crowd were saying, but there was too much noise between the spear stomps and cheering. Raising my hand, I started waving at the crowd. A forced smile crossed my face.

We passed through the city, going along each district of it. I was shocked that most people in the crowd didn't try to get past the guards to the float. They were all clamoring for some blessing when I first got here, but now they were much better behaved. That must either be the power of them respecting a religious ritual or the women with shields and swords keeping them away from me. Probably the former, considering past events.

As the parade continued and my arm got sore from endless waving, we approached a large building. It was carved into a section of the cave made of green rock. The structure's pillars were spiral-shaped and covered in images of the same goddess that had a statue in the back parade float.

The building had at least 369 steps leading up to it. Priests lined the steps, sticking to the sides. Each one carried a glowing green crystal. As we got closer, I saw expressions of pain on their faces. There was smoke coming up from where the crystals met their skin.

"Well, that's disturbing," I thought. "I thought those crystals might be hot, but how long have they been holding those?"

"Since an hour before the parade started," Dʰéǵʰom said.

"I think having access to healing magic made them a bit too reckless."

"Same."

The parade stopped at the bottom of the steps. My float was turned sideways, and a set of bone stairs were brought up to it. Two Dark Elves crawled beneath the float and got right under me.

They pushed up as hard as they could, using wind magic at the same time. I was sent flying into the air. A group of Dark Elves stood at the base of the stairs. Extending their arms, they caught me before I could smash into the ground.

I was placed down at the bottom of the stairs. The Dark Elves who caught me knelt.

"Welcome to the Temple of Fertility, the sanctum of the goddess Melnu, Saint Gustav," they said at once.

With a nod, I started ascending the stairs. I went higher and higher, making gradual progress. My legs started burning about halfway up. My breathing became ragged. All the while, the only thing accompanying me was the distant cheers of the crowd and the various priestesses who were trying to contain their pain. Why the hell were they holding hot magical crystals for this ceremony anyway?

I was struggling to avoid panting like a dog when I reached the top. The gate to the temple was closed. One of the priestesses walked over to me before bowing.

"Saint Gustav, 'tis time for thee to open the gate. Push it open without using thine magic," she said.

The gate was made of solid stone.

Pressing my hands against it, I pushed as hard as I possibly could. My muscles burned from the strain. I felt my feet slipping, and I scrambled to reorient them, narrowly avoiding crashing down the stairs.

When I entered the temple, I looked around. The crystals that lit it up were dim. Countless images of gods were engraved on the walls, ceiling, and floor. Numerous statues were lined up. Most of the images and sculptures were of the goddess with the largest idol on the floats. I presumed she was Melnu.

In the center of the temple was a great basin. I smelled a strange yet familiar scent coming from it.

Several Dark Elf priests were beside me. There were smiles on their faces.

"At last, the time of the ritual has come!" one of them said.

"Yes! Our fertility will be blessed by a saint!" another declared.

They walked in front of me, forming a line between myself and the basin. A priest handed me a ceremonial stone bowl before joining the others.

"Go on, Saint Gustav. Take the waters of fertility. Carry it without using magic," she urged.

"Why can't I use magic?" I asked.

"'tis the ancient traditions of the Dark Elves. Ceremonies such as these must be done with the body of the priest or saint. Magic shall not be involved," the Dark Elf answered.

Taking a deep breath, I walked over to the basin. There was a strange liquid inside. It was sort of brownish in color.

"Thank the gods, it isn't white," I thought.

"We didn't have anything to do with this. Even the Dark Elves' own gods avoid them," Dʰéǵʰom pointed out.

I sniffed the air. Now that I was closer to the liquid, its scent was clearer. It smelled disturbingly familiar. I'd smelled something like this before. There was no doubt about that, but where?

"It doesn't smell bad, so it isn't shit water or god sweat, assuming god sweat smells bad. But what could it be?" I pondered.

"Don't think about it too hard. Just get this over with," Dʰéǵʰom instructed. "You don't want to know what's in that basin."

I wanted to do what Dʰéǵʰom said, I really did, but curiosity got the better of me. Thinking harder, I desperately tried to remember where I smelled this liquid before.

My body shook. Dread crept over me like dusk over a barren wasteland. No, it couldn't be that! Could it? There were no Englishmen in this world! But there was a fantasy England and a former Englishman. That means...this liquid could be...

...English tea.

I forced myself to stop thinking about it. There'd be no way to know for sure unless I tasted the liquid. And besides, tea came from China! It could be Chinese tea! I could be mistaken!

Or, at least, I hoped I was wrong.

Placing the bowl in the liquid, I gathered it up. I felt the possibly horrendous thing move around my hands. A sense of disgust welled up within me.

"Please don't be what I think this is," I thought.

"Don't think too hard about it. That won't end well," Dʰéǵʰom said.

"It's a bit too late for that."

When the bowl was filled up, I felt its weight increase. It dragged down on my already tired arms. My legs struggled to move as I brought the bowl to the temple's gate.

Then, I looked down the 369 steps I climbed up. I'd have to go down all of those while carrying this bowl filled with a mysterious liquid. This bowl that didn't have handholds and I had to carry by its rim.

"Fuck my life," I thought.

Step by step, I walked down the stairs. I proceeded with incredible caution. There was no damn way I was spilling any of it. Eventually, I made it to the bottom of the steps.

My legs ached. My arms felt like they were on fire. My whole body was shot with exhaustion.

"I have the water. Where is the queen?" I asked a priestess.

"Her Majesty itst on the other side of Gran Kuraz. Thou must walk to her."

Merde!