Accountant Isekai

It had been a week since I'd first gotten to the kingdom of the dark elves, and I'd explained to everyone that Kless was from another world like I was. Most of my time here was spent in the kitchen, cooking and instructing chefs. I also spent some time with my retainers and talking about my old world with them and Kless.

Currently, I had finished some cerveuax. The dish was on a dining table, and Johannes and Astrid were looking at it. They were both trying desperately to hide their disgust. Aside from them, Kless and I were the only people in the room.

"Where did you get sheep brains? I didn't think they had sheep down here," Astrid said.

Kless was eating the cerveaux with a wide smile on her face. The dark elf was in utter bliss.

"Traders transport a few down here. Sheep art a delicacy to us dark elves," she stated. "And I never knew sheep brains couldst taste so good! I wish I couldst go to France! It must be a wonderous place!"

Johannes shivered.

"I'm not sure about that. I spent most of my life on the road, and eating sheep brains is a bit extreme for me," he said, making his words as diplomatic as possible.

"It's a good thing I'm not from Scotland. I don't want to know what everyone would think of haggis," I thought.

Astrid pondered.

"Kless, in your world, what sword fighting styles did they have?" she asked.

"I art not really sure," the dark elf answered. "I wast never into fencing."

The sound of footsteps came to my ears. I turned to the door and saw an armored dark elf woman step inside. She knelt before Kless. Then, the newcomer spoke.

"Barsom, some women from Her Majesty hath arrived to see thee. They request Saint Gustav's presence too."

Kless nodded.

"I shall greet them at once."

A hint of anticipation flowed through me.

"Hopefully, I'll finally get to meet their queen," I thought.

"I hope so too," Dʰéǵʰom said. "The sooner you leave this place, the better."

Astrid and Johannes followed us as we walked through Kless' place into her great hall. There, several dark elf women were standing. They wore suits of plate decorated with images of various gods carved from black opal. The woman at their head wore gilded armor. A surcoat adorned her chest. It had the image of a tall, muscular elf woman wearing a toga.

"That's Lestryx, the head god of the elves," Dʰéǵʰom explained.

"Yes! You finally got to do your job as the God of Exposition!" I thought.

"Damn straight, I was!"

Kless bowed to the head woman.

"Tis an honor to have thee here, Kiptin Krualuc," she said.

I contacted Dʰéǵʰom.

"Is Kiptin a title or a name?"

"And just when I thought I could do my job again, you ask me something I don't know," he said.

I heard the god sigh. Considering the naming patterns of nobles, I decided to assume that Kiptin was a title.

"Save thine courtesies, Barsom Kless," the head woman held up a hand. "I hath arrived on business from Her Majesty. Tell me, ist the saint present?"

I stepped forward.

"I'm right here," I stated.

Kiptin Krualuc's eye twitched. She forced a smile.

"Tis an honor to meet thee, Saint Gustav. I had hoped that Kless jested about thee being a human," Krualucsaid.

Oh, fuck. We got a racist here.

"I art certain that the gods hath chosen thee to be a saint for a good reason," she stated. "They know better than us mere mortals."

With a nod, I gave her my best smile.

"The gods work in mysterious ways," I said.

Krualuc's eye twitched more. It looks like someone was poking it.

"Yes. Tis why there hast never been a dark elf saint. Instead, impious humans get chosen above us, even though we art the worthiest servants of the gods," she forced an even wider smile.

Fuck.

"This is surely some great test," I stated.

Krualuc's eye twitched so hard and fast that I was worried it would fall out of its socket.

"A test that hast gone on for thousands of years," she nodded.

Kless spoke up.

"Kiptin Krualuc, what message did the queen send?" the Barsom asked.

"Her Majesty accepts the Saint's request for an audience. She wishes for thine presence too, Barsom Kless. But first, we shall obtain proof that this human ist a saint. I know that thou were't given documents, Barsom Kless. But tis imprudent to trust the word of an impious human king," Krualuc stated.

A dark elf woman approached me. She wore grand robes of white and gold.

"Saint Gustav, I am Oracle Loonia. Dost thou know how I shall prove thine sainthood?" the woman asked.

"You put your hand on my head and talk to Dʰéǵʰom," I answered.

She nodded.

"Then, art thou ready?" Loonia questioned.

"I am," I said.

She put her hand on my head. I heard her voice flow into my mind.

"Art thou here, God of Humanity?"

"I am," Dʰéǵʰom stated.

A wide smile crossed Loonia's face.

"Joyous days, he ist truly a saint!" she said.

The Oracle knelt before me.

"Thou honor us with thine very presence, Saint Gustav! Her Majesty shall have a grand celebration upon thine arrival!"

Dammit! What sort of celebration do these lunatics have in mind? Elf sacrifice? A parade where everyone in the city touches the Saint? I...I don't want to know!

"You don't need to go that far," I said.

"Humble as well! Thou hast proper traits for a saint!" Loonia smiled.

"I appreciate the kind offer of the dark elf Oracle and the queen she serves," I tried to refuse as politely as possible. "But I must insist against it. Dʰéǵʰom doesn't want his followers to do too much in his name. He's a very generous god who wants to leave things to humans as much as he can."

"Good thinking, Gustav," Dʰéǵʰom said.

Loonia stood up and bowed deeply.

"You were already kneeling. Did you stand up just so you could bow?" I asked.

"But of course, Saint Gustav. And thou needst worry not. Dʰéǵʰom wishes for humans to not do too much for him, and no humans shall help prepare the celebration. It shall only be dark elves," she stated.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

I forced down my nervousness. My body struggled not to shake.

"Could you tell me more about this celebration?" I asked.

"Gladly, Saint Gustav. It shall start with a parade. Thou shall be at the forefront of it, of course," Loonia answered.

Okay, that isn't too bad. A bit more attention than I'd like, but that's inevitable here.

"Then, thou shall officiate the animal sacrifices. I canst not wait to see thine dagger pierce their flesh!" she continued, wiggling with excitement.

That's not that bad either. I expected some god in this world to like animal sacrifices, so I was ready for this.

"Thou shall sacrifice a thousand erkals in an hour to commemorate thine arrival!" Loonia declared.

I'm going to have to kill 16 erkals a minute. I hope that erkals are small and weak. I also hope that I'll just have to slit their throats and not have to do something like tear their hearts out.

"Then, thou shall perform the fertility rites with Her Majesty in front of the entire city!" Loonia grinned ear to ear.

And that is where I draw the fucking line!

"I apologize," I took a deep bow and lied my ass off. "But I'm already engaged."

"And Her Majesty ist married. It shouldst be fine," the Oracle replied.

Fuck.

"The gods wouldn't like it if I cheated on my fiance," I said.

A look of confusion crossed Loonia's face.

"Cheating? What art thou saying?" she questioned.

Hope flowed through me.

"Does the fertility ritual not involve sex?" I asked.

"It dost not," Loonia answered.

Thank the gods. The elf gods, specifically.

"Then what will I do?"

"First, thou shall take the waters of fertility from the heart of the temple of Heeksen," the oracle explained. "Then, thou shall take the waters to the heart of the city where Her Majesty will wait. Her Majesty's maidens will be with her, all dressed in the garments of fertility."

"And what are those?" I wondered.

The fact that I was in the body of a hormonal teenage boy was starting to get to me. I was REALLY interested in what the 'garments of fertility' were.

Loonia smiled.

"They shall be buried up to their necks in rocks," she said.

...

"Dʰéǵʰom, Heeksen is a trickster god, right?" I thought.

"Yes. He is," my patron god replied.

Loonia continued.

"Then, thou shall pour the waters of fertility over Her Majesty, the maidens, and Her Majesty again. After that, thou shall put a blindfold over thine eyes as Her Majesty and the maidens leave the rocks and are clad in their finest garments. Then, the ritual wilt be finished."

Dammit! I wasn't going to see anything! No, no, bad Gustav. Control yourself. You are here on a diplomatic mission, not to be a hormonal teenager.

At that point, I heard Kless whisper in my ear.

"Whatever thou dost, do not ask her what the waters of fertility are," she said.

Kless was right next to me, so close that we were almost touching.

"Thanks for the save," I whispered back.

"Thou art welcome."

I smiled.

"I will perform the fertility ritual to the best of my abilities, on my honor as a saint," I said.

Loonia's expression was one of pure joy.

"Thank thee, Saint Gustav. It hast been 300 years since a saint came to our capital, much less perform a religious ritual! I art truly grateful to thee!" she stated.

I gave her a bow.

"I'm the one who's honored. As a saint, I am overjoyed that I can do something that would normally be restricted to the priests of the pious dark elves," I said.

Loonia almost fainted from sheer happiness, but she stayed up. Her knees shook from excitement. Max diplomacy from me.

"I hath one more request for thee, Saint Gustav. Couldst thou meet mine husband? He hast never met a saint before, and meeting thee wouldst make him truly joyous," Loonia stated.

"I'd be happy to see him," I said.

Loonia fell back, but Krualuc caught her.

"Thou shouldst not hath brought thine husband into this diplomatic affair, oracle. Tis inappropriate," the Kiptin told her.

There was a cold glare on Krualuc's face. Sweat poured over her body.

I held up my hands in a placating gesture.

"It's fine," I said. "It just shows how much she loves him."

Krualuc breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yes. I suppose it dost," she stated.

Just when I thought I was in the clear, Johannes' voice hit my ears.

"Excuse me, but what are the waters of fertility?" he asked.

Complete and utter despair poured through my body like a great flood.

My eyes focused on Loonia as sweat dripped down my brow. She took a deep breath and composed herself. The oracle stood up straight, getting out of Krualuc's grasp.

She said, "I art glad thou asked. The waters of fertility art."

Wait, Loonia didn't actually say what they were? She just stopped.

"Are you alright?" I asked, concern flowing through me.

"I art fine. Why didst thou ask that?" the oracle questioned.

"You didn't finish explaining," I said.

Confusion crossed her face.

"Didst thou not hear me?" she wondered. "I shall explain again for thee. The waters of fertility art."

What? Loonia just stopped again. She didn't explain what they were. Something weird was going on.

I was about to open my mouth again when I heard Dʰéǵʰom's voice.

"Don't. Say. Anything," he ordered.

"What's going on?" I asked.

The god sighed.

"Your mind blotted out that dark elf's explanation," Dʰéǵʰom said.

It took all my willpower to suppress a shiver.

"So, the waters of fertility are something so horrible that my mind couldn't comprehend it?" I asked.

"No. It could comprehend it just fine," Dʰéǵʰom answered. "That's why your mind blotted it out."

I don't know how I avoided shivering.

"Is it dangerous?"

"No, but you're better off not knowing what it is. Just assume it's cave water and don't think about it again."

"That won't work! There's no way anything that horrible can be cave water!"

"Then assume it's god sweat."

I clenched my hands as tight as I could, trying desperately to control my shaking.

"My mind is already picturing what it is," I thought.

"Don't assume it's that either! Just don't think about it, okay? You're better off just pretending this conversation never happened."

The various dark elves looked deeply concerned. They saw Gustav trembling.

"Ist he sick? Shouldst we get a doctor?" Loonia wondered.

"There ist no need to worry," Kless assured them. "Tis a human thing. Saint Gustav's retainers will know what to do."

She walked over to Johannes and Astrid and got in a near huddle with them. There was a look of concern on the dark elf's face. Johannes looked down, guilt flowing through him.

"I apologize for this. I didst not know that the oracle wouldst wish to perform the fertility ritual," Kless said.

"It's my fault. I shouldn't have asked about them," Johannes replied.

"No. The fault lies with me."

"Where did you even get the waters of fertility from? I didn't think there was anything like them in our world," Astrid questioned.

"Trade with a saint. The ritual ist fairly recent. The saint ist a saint of the god of the sea, and he hast sold goods to some of our trading ports. Our priests hath decided some of these goods hath religious significance," the dark elf explained.

"Gustav said that some of the other Saints were from his world," Astrid recalled.

Kless nodded.

"Yes. That saint of the god of the sea must be from there. He likely recreated a recipe from his homeland," she said. "Still, I didst not expect Saint Gustav to tremble from hearing that the waters of fertility art Authentic English Tea."