Accountant Isekai

My party stood with a group of Underground Elves in front of a large cave wall. It towered over us, sheer stone cut flat. The rock was impossible to climb because it was unbroken. Countless were carved into the stone.

Loonia stepped forward. She placed her hand on the stone wall. It split in two with a great rumbling, each half sinking into the wall to its side. They stopped, and a vast tunnel stood before us. It was lit with numerous glowing crystals.

"This is how traders get to the capital," Kless explained. "It would be impossible to send any large goods there otherwise. The cave routes art just too narrow."

"Yes. It took us 200 years to make this passage, even with magic," Loonia said.

"That seems excessive," I replied.

"I apologize if we are not up to thine standards, Saint Gustav. But I can assure thee that removing the rock wast not the difficult part. What took the most time was ensuring that the tunnel wouldst fill up when we art not using it and making sure that it wast safe. And that it wouldst part whenst in use," she stated.

With a slight panic flowing through me, I raised my hands defensively.

"It's fine," I told her. "I wasn't criticizing you. I was just wondering why. Your magic's actually incredible. It's perfect for an underground society."

Loonia swayed on her feet.

"A saint... complimented us so greatly..."

She fell to the side, but Kiptin Krualuc caught her.

"Saint Gustav, I appreciate thine compliments. However, I must ask that thee refrain from them around Loonia," Krualuc said.

Loonia stood up again, leaving Krualuc's grasp.

"Tis fine. It ist a great honor," Loonia stated.

I decided to not complement the Dark Elves when I was in Loonia's presence. I did not want her to hit her head on the stone ground or walls.

My diplomatic caravan traveled down the vast tunnel. It was tall enough that we could ride our horses down it. My retinue was by my side, and Kless stayed close too. Then, Dʰéǵʰom's voice came to my ears.

"Gustav, you're a really good cook," he said.

"Of course, I am. I'm French," I thought.

"Isn't that a stereotype?"

"No. It's a requirement. Anyone from France who can't cook isn't worthy of being called French."

"I should have known you'd say something like that," Dʰéǵʰom replied.

Then, Krualuc rode over to me. The Underground Elves didn't use horses. Instead, their mounts were giant, albino salamanders. They reminded me a bit of olms, except more adapted to living on land.

"Saint Gustav," Krualuc's eye twitched when she spoke. "I must warn thee that this journey shall take a little under a fortnight."

"That is no issue. I've already spent a week in Kless' lands," I replied.

"Fuck! I'm spending too much time here already! This is why the Dark Elves need crystal balls! Communication takes way too long without them! My family's finances are going down the drain as we speak! I just hope my parents can get my plan with Cinnamon started soon!" I thought.

"Calm down, Gustav. If worst comes to worst, King Eduard will intervene," Dʰéǵʰom assured me.

Krualuc's eyes narrowed.

"Yes. I suppose it wouldst not be an issue," she said.

Then, Krualuc turned to Kless.

"Though, thou and Saint Gustav seem quite close," the Kiptin stated.

"We hath much in common. I hope that I canst call him a friend," Kless replied.

"Just a friend?" Krualuc asked.

If I was drinking something, I would have spat it out. Why would Krualuc even think we were interested in each other?

"Yes. Just a friend. Even if I wast attracted to Saint Gustav, he ist from a patriarchal species. And we elves art matriarchal. I wouldst not want to live in a patriarchal society, and I doubt Saint Gustav wouldst want to live in a matriarchal society," Kless answered.

"But art thou not attracted to him?" Krualuc questioned.

"No. Saint Gustav ist too feminine. I prefer masculine men."

My ego is roughly the size of a stegosaurus' brain. And after I heard that, it was nonexistent. Dʰéǵʰom burst out laughing. My retainers' faces were coated in anger.

"He ist feminine?" Krualuc wondered.

"Yes," Kless explained. "Saint Gustav ist reasonably strong, even without using magic. He also is more hardened than he looks, and he hast a natural talent to be a leader and take control of many situations he's in. He's pretty much an alpha female in a man's body. And from his perspective, I art not his type. I hath the wrong hair and eye color."

I suppressed a sigh.

"You know, the fact that Dark Elves have opposite gender roles to humans isn't making this any better," I thought.

"Look on the bright side. At least you're an alpha something," Dʰéǵʰom replied.

"I'm really not. I don't get where Kless gets that impression of me. I don't take control of situations. I'm not much of a leader. I pretty much rely on others."

"You rely on others a lot, but that's part of being a leader. Kless is exaggerating a bit with her praise, but it's a bit more accurate than you think," the god said.

"I can believe she's exaggerating, but not that it's accurate."

"Of course, you can."

Kless shook her head.

"I prefer more masculine men. Dainty, charming, cute all around. When I marry, it shouldst be with a man who loves wearing skirts and makeup. I hath nothing against men who art more feminine, but they art not mine preference."

Krualuc shook her head.

"Men shouldst be masculine, and women shouldst be feminine, even men with magic. Humans art an exception because they art a different race. But elves shouldst conform to the roles the gods gifted us," she stated.

Then, her gaze turned into a cold glare at Kless.

"Although I am thankful that thou wouldst not court a saint, thou shouldst get married soon. There ist no greater disgrace for a woman than being a virgin after 130," Krualuc declared.

Kless looked down, an expression of utter defeat crossing her face. Krualuc rode away. I moved over to Kless.

"Are you doing alright?" I asked.

"I art not," she answered in a whisper.

"Let me guess: you died a virgin?"

"I couldst see why thou wouldst think that from the conversation. And I wast taken before mine time at the young age of 104. That wouldst be 24 in human years from what I understand," Kless said.

"I was 25 when I died," I recalled.

Kless nodded.

"However, despite what it mayest seem, I didst not die a virgin. I wast reminded of mine husband," she stated. "I art certain that he must hath grieved me. Mine hope ist that he moved on after mine death and ist living a happy life with a good wife."

I sighed.

"It can take people a while to get over grief. And with how long elves live, I expect it can take you longer," I said.

"By human standards, yes. Honestly, I shouldst hath gotten over it by now. But I art in no rush. Just like with humans, magic renders elves unaging," Kless replied.

She shook her head.

"We shouldst speak about something else."

"Alright," I said. "What do you think of the High Elves?"

"I hath no thoughts on them," Kless replied.

Shock flowed through me.

"You don't?" I asked.

"No," Kless answered. "I hath never met a High Elf in this world before. All I know about them comes from things Dark Elves told me. My kind hath a massive grudge against the High Elves. Any words they say about the High Elves art poison."

"Basically, you don't want to trust propaganda," I said.

"Precisely," she replied.

Then, Kless entered contemplation.

"Saint Gustav, hath thou met any High Elves?"

"Yes," I stated. "I only met them a few times when I was a child. But my family's lands are close to their kingdom. I know more about High Elves than most people do."

Kless nodded.

"Couldst thou tell me about them?" she asked.

"The High Elves spend most of their time sitting around and doing drugs. They barely function as a society because they are constantly high. Their nobles have a 'stick it to the woman' attitude because they're so high they forget they're 'the woman.'"

Kless sat in silence for a few moments. She took in everything I just said.

"The High Elf nobles art self-hating misogynists?"

"No," I explained. "'The woman' means 'the government' or 'the leaders' essentially. In my old world, there were people like them who said 'stick it to the man.' The difference is that those people weren't normally politicians."

"That explains it," Kless nodded.

"So, what are the High Elves like in Dark Elf propaganda?" I asked.

"They art evil masterminds who make deals with monsters. They control the world, working behind closed doors to manipulate people into serving them," she answered.

A sigh escaped my mouth.

"That isn't even remotely accurate, but propaganda rarely is."

"It also means that my job is going to be even more difficult if the Dark Elves find out that I'm trying to get drugs for the High Elves," I thought.

Eventually, we stopped to make camp. The Dark Elves didn't want to use wood to make fire because of how expensive it was. Instead, they used a special type of crystal that produced a lot of heat.

"It's probably best that we don't have a fire. The caves might get flooded with smoke," I thought.

I was sitting with my retainers, making sure to be at least some distance from everyone else. Dr. Minos was reading a book on architecture while eating grass. Joanna, Astrid, and Johannes were stewing with hints of anger on their faces while eating cave cricket stew.

"Dammit. I can't believe how disrespectful Kless was earlier," Astrid said.

"It doesn't sit right with me either," Johannes added.

"Kless didn't mean anything by it," I replied. "And the Dark Elves have opposite gender roles to humans. She probably thought she was complimenting me and just worded things poorly."

"I know that, but still! You're my Lord! You shouldn't put up with any disrespect!" the girl shook her head.

"I'm your lord, but I'm also a diplomat. Asskissing is part of our job. And talking with Kless has been the most fun I've had down here," I said.

Joanna nodded.

"I understand. Diplomacy can be difficult. I was never a diplomat myself, but I accompanied some lords on diplomatic expeditions," she stated. "Still, I'm certain that Kless would apologize if you brought it up with her."

Then, I wouldn't do that. I decided to change the subject.

"Johannes, are we safe from monsters here?" I asked.

"I don't know. I've never been underground before," he answered.

Joanna looked at the walls. I did the same and saw that they were covered in runes.

"This is a magical tunnel. There are probably some spells embedded in it that ward off monsters," she speculated.

"That's exactly what I would expect from a 200-year building project. Loonia did say that safety took up a lot of time," I said.

Then, I gazed over my retainers.

"Astrid, are you interested in learning Dark Elf swordsmanship?" I asked.

Her eyes lit up.

"I am!" she answered.

"I'll see what I can do. From what I've seen of their weapons, Dark Elves mostly use short swords, but that should still be helpful for you," I said.

"Thank you so much!" Astrid smiled.

My eyes turned to another of my retainers.

"Johannes, I'll see if I can find any books on enchanting. The Dark Elf capital should have a marketplace that I can go to. If that fails, I could see if I could arrange for a Dark Elf spellcaster to tutor you while we're in the capital," I stated.

"Thank you, Gustav," Johannes replied.

Up next, I looked at Dr. Minos.

"I'll see if I can find some more architecture books for you. I'm sure that you're interested in how the Dark Elves carve some of their buildings out of stone."

The minotaur gave me a thumbs up.

"I don't want anything," Joanna said. "Besides, I technically work for your parents and not you, Gustav."

"Alright, then," I spoke before thinking. "I knew Joanna would say that, and she probably knows that I'll try to get her something anyway. I have a week to think this through. I just hope that everything goes alright on the surface world while I'm gone."