Accountant Isekai

King Eduard the Defenestrator and Queen Eleanor stood before a massive wall painting. It depicted a great battle between humans and orcs. They, Hildoara, and Dalv rode ahead of their armies, shooting magic at the orcs with heroic poses. Gustav was flying overhead on Cinnamon, raining fire on their enemies. Prince Jeremy looked at the picture with a dumbfounded expression.

"I was reading the records of the battle of the three and a half armies, and...it looks like there are a few errors with this painting," he said.

"Such as?" King Eduard asked.

"The battle, for one thing!" Jeremy answered. "There was no battle! The orcs ran away the moment they saw the dragon Saint Gustav rode in on!"

His father nodded.

"And the history books will reflect that," King Eduard stated.

Jeremy pointed at the image of Gustav.

"That's another error. He fell asleep before the orcs even saw the dragon," the prince said.

"True, he did," Queen Elenor nodded. "Saint Gustav didn't wake up until after the orcs were long gone."

Prince Jeremy then pointed at the part of the painting that had King Eduard on it.

"Also, Father, you're nowhere near this muscular. And why are you holding a two-handed sword in one hand?"

He then pointed at the part with Queen Eleanor.

"And your breasts are nowhere near this big, Mother! Also, you do not ride on a unicorn!"

She nodded.

"All true, Jeremy. But if the painting was accurate to the battle, it would be a boring painting," Eleanor said.

"Then why make it at all?" Prince Jeremy asked.

King Eduard pointed at Hildoara and Dalv, both of whom were made far more attractive than they actually were. Hildoara really was beautiful, and Dalv was handsome, but this painting gave them ideal human forms.

"We entered a diplomatic agreement with Vandalland and Weltai. We will have to cooperate with them for the next several centuries at the very least. It's essential that we promote good relations between our kingdoms," King Eduard explained.

Prince Jeremy placed a hand on his own chin.

"So, you made that painting so people in Greenrivers will think well of Dalv and Hildoara?" he questioned.

"Exactly," his father replied.

Queen Eleanor shrugged.

"That and we wanted to make ourselves look good. We can't fall behind Vandalland and Weltai, after all," she said.

Prince Jeremy sighed.

"At least the history books will tell the real story," he stated.

Then, a thought came to him.

"Between the four of you, Queen Hildoara is the newest monarch. What sort of person is she?" Prince Jeremy asked.

A sense of curiosity and danger had flown through him.

"She's still getting used to being a queen, clearly inexperienced, and nervous. But she's also very intelligent. Quite frankly, I'm glad that Saint Gustav stopped us from being her enemy," King Eduard answered.

"Yes. It's also safe to say that she cares about Vandalland. After their last king, Vandalland is lucky to have someone like her. Even if she is inexperienced," Queen Eleanor answered.

Prince Jeremy pondered.

"Do you think that I could marry her? That would make me the King of Vandalland and effectively unite our two kingdoms," he said.

His parents beamed with pride.

"Good thinking. Normally, I would have suggested the idea myself," King Eduard stated. "But Queen Hildoara won't accept any marriage offers from us."

"She seems quite taken with Saint Gustav, even if she tried to hide it. And Queen Hildoara probably sees more benefit in marrying a genius like him rather than marrying for an alliance," Queen Eleanor added.

Jeremy grimaced.

"So, are we going to hand Saint Gustav over to her? If he's really a genius, we can't afford to let him fall into the hands of another kingdom," he said.

"My thoughts exactly," Queen Eleanor agreed. "Perhaps you could call Saint Gustav and ask him about his taste in women? If we can arrange a marriage for him, he might not think of even being with Queen Hildoara."

Jeremy nodded.

"I will do that right away," he said.

Before his parents could object, Jeremy pulled out his crystal ball and put some numbers in it. After a moment, Saint Gustav's voice came on the line.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Gustav, it's me, Prince Jeremy. My parents gave me your crystal ball number," the royal answered.

"Huh. Your voice is much manlier than I expected, Your Highness," Saint Gustav said.

No one in the room knew how to react to that.

"Thanks?" Jeremy decided to take that as a compliment.

"You're welcome, Your Highness. And I apologize, but I'm quite busy with a diplomatic affair at the moment," Saint Gustav said.

Jeremy nodded.

"I will be fast. I want to know what sort of women you like. It's guy talk, nothing special," he stated.

There was a moment of silence.

"Well, I like women with red hair, green eyes, nice hips, and big breasts in terms of physical appearance. If they've got athletic muscles, that's a bonus. I also like smart women. I don't want to have to deal with stupid people. In terms of personality: loyal, understanding, friendly, a bit playful, strong-willed but not overbearing, respectful, that sort of thing. Is that all you wanted to ask me?" Saint Gustav asked.

"Yes. I won't keep you any longer. Goodbye," Prince Jeremy answered.

He hung up the phone.

"Now, we just need to find a woman like that," the royal said.

King Eduard sighed.

"He just described Queen Hildoara of Vandalland."

In Weltai, Dalv Sepet arrived at his castle. A messenger had told Trish of his arrival, and she was already waiting for him in the courtyard. Dalv smiled when he saw her.

"I take it everything went smoothly while I was gone?" he asked.

"There were only three coups," Trish answered. "One of which was put down by a mob of commoners."

Relief flowed through Dalv.

"Thank the gods. That's five less than the last time I was out of Weltai. And I was only out an hour then. You made sure to impale anyone we captured, right?" he said.

"Of course," Trish replied.

The two of them walked inside the castle together.

"So, how did things go?" Trish asked.

"Very well," Dalv answered. "From now on, we will be working with Greenrivers and Vandalland to defend a certain area. I will explain more later. Right now, we need to arrange for some soldiers to go over there. We'll need to send supplies over too."

His wife's expression turned grim.

"Is it that urgent?" she questioned.

"No. I just want to get this out of the way as soon as possible. Then, I can focus on other things. Like finding and purging the remaining disloyal nobles," Dalv said.

Trish chuckled.

"Now that their attacks are dying down, I bet there aren't many of them left. Those still alive are dead meat," she stated.

"Yes. Hopefully, we can get it done before the saints gather," Dalv replied.

With a sigh, Trish spoke.

"Is it really that time already?"

"Almost," Dalv said. "It's still a few months away, but the saints will feel the call soon enough."

"I just hope you don't all try to kill each other again," Trish replied.

"That would be a most unfortunate outcome," her husband nodded.

In her castle's solar, Queen Hildoara had a look of exasperation on her face. Prince Wisimir and Duke Carini were with her.

"We avoided disaster, but our finances are still in shambles," Queen Hildoara said.

"Perhaps we could ask Saint Gustav for help? He was able to figure out...inflation, was it?" Duke Carini pondered.

"Yes," she nodded.

"That would require a lot of economic knowledge. Saint Gustav might be a financial genius. Perhaps we could ask him for advice?" he suggested.

The monarch shook her head.

"I still haven't repaid Gustav for everything he's done for me. It'd be wrong to ask him to do more now," Queen Hildoara stated.

Prince Wisimir nodded.

"From everything you've told me, Saint Gustav sounds awesome," he said.

Queen Hildoara smiled.

"He is my friend," she said. "And I should get his help. But I need to reward him first."

"Isn't your crystal ball number enough of a reward? He could call you whenever he has a problem," Duke Carini pointed out.

"You don't know Gustav like I do. I don't think anyone other than his family, his god, and his wet nurse do. He wouldn't want to bother me. Especially because I'm a queen. He might even reject the reward if I don't force him to keep it," the monarch replied.

Prince Wisimir smiled.

"Why don't we give him a really cool sword?" he suggested.

Queen Hildoara nodded.

"That's a good idea. Gustav talked about his fencing in his letters with me. I'll call him later, ask what he wants in a sword, and ask for his economic advice," she said.

"But in the meantime, we need to figure out some way to at least get our debt down slightly."

Then, a revelation flashed through Queen Hildoara. She jumped up with a massive smile on her face.

"I've got it!" Queen Hildoara declared.

"What is it?" Prince Wisimir asked.

"Our father bought a lot of useless, expensive junk that just looks pretty during his time as king. There were a lot of other things like that in our family's palaces even before he was king," she said.

Duke Carini held up a finger.

"You might want to hold off on that, Your Majesty. Or at least not sell everything," he stated.

Queen Hildoara turned to him.

"Why shouldn't I sell them all?" she asked.

"Because many of those pieces of 'useless, expensive junk' are symbols of the royal family," Duke Carini answered.

Queen Hildoara shrugged.

"Can you eat a symbol?" she questioned.

"You cannot, but that doesn't mean they aren't important," Duke Carini replied. "If you were to sell symbols of the royal family, it would be like saying you're selling your power as queen. Many nobles who already don't think you should be the ruler of Vandalland would use that as proof."

Queen Hildoara nodded.

"Then I'll sell the ones that aren't symbols. There should be enough to keep the royal treasury alone for a short while," she said. "First, we'll need to do an inventory of all the useless junk we have."

Prince Wisimir took a bow.

"I'll get to that right away, sister," he promised.

A crowd of mercenaries had gathered in an abandoned castle deep in a forest in Greenrivers. The outside area was so covered in shadows from the tall trees that you could barely see your own hands. Even the inside of the ruins was almost pitch black.

The son and saint of Poseidon stood before them. He held his trident in his hands, and there was a massive grin on his face. Several large crates were behind him, looming over his head.

"So, he asks me, do you wanna be bad? I say, yeah, I wanna be bad. How bad, he asks? I tell him I wanna be real bad, real bad baby!" the demigod declared.

A mercenary was bashing his head against a wall. Another was tearing his hair out. Several were groaning, looking up at the sky at the same time. There were a few mercenaries that were dead on the ground with slit wrists.

"So, then I tell him..."

Before the demigod could continue, Vasilisa Loanid interrupted him.

"Excuse me, Laestrygon. As interesting as your speech is, you've been talking about how evil you are for the last three hours. Did you just invite us to the middle of this monster-infested forest just to tell us this, or do you have an actual point?" she asked.

The demigod held up his right hand while keeping the trident in his left.

"Alright, baby, I'll get to the point. There's a noble in Greenrivers who pissed me off bad, real bad. And not the kind of bad I like," Laestrygon answered.

"What did he do?" Vasilisa wondered.

"He didn't die when I tried to kill him."

Then, Laestrygon held his arms apart in a dramatic gesture.

"And I'm gonna make it all of Greenrivers' problem! They're gonna be victims of Laestrygon, son and saint of Poseidon!"

A gruff mercenary grimaced.

"And what's our role in this?" he asked.

Laestrygon smiled.

"You're gonna go all over Greenrivers, looting, murdering, raping, pillaging, doing all the evil things you can! We're gonna make everyone in Greenrivers suffer, baby! Kill, steal, do whatever atrocities you can, baby!" he answered.

Vasilisa scoffed.

"Do you really think we'll give into depravity and kill innocent people?" she questioned. "For free?"

Laestrygon shook his head.

"I know how you mercenaries think, baby. You don't kill people for fun, but you don't got any morals, baby. You work for the highest bidder, and my daddy's rich," he said.

With a swift swing of his trident, Laestrygon broke open one of the crates. Millions of pearls flowed out of it. Then, Laestrygon smashed another of the boxes. Coral of many colors spilled forth. He went to a third box, and his trident revealed a massive amount of ambergris. The mercenaries looked on in awe.

"All this stuff's from the sea, right?" one spoke.

"I've never seen this many pearls before, or whatever that colored stuff is," another stated.

"This stuff is worth so much. Even if we got a fifth of this, we'd be the richest men in the world," a third commented.

Laestrygon leaned on his trident with a wide grin. His hands were holding onto the trident between its spikes, planting the butt into the ground.

"And there's plenty more where that came from, baby," he said.

The mercenaries erupted in applause.

"Kill, rape, maim, steal...whatever you want, we'll do it!"

"We're all yours, boss!"

"With that much loot, we'll go to hell and back for you!"

"Hail Saint Laestrygon, the world's most generous man!"

Laestrygon smiled as he whispered to himself.

"I'm gonna take your head and feed it to Saint Gustav, King Eduard, baby."