Accountant Isekai

I woke up with an aching back and chaffed front. Sleeping on a hard wood floor didn't do my body any favors, and I had trouble getting to sleep because...well, it's just a small issue. Nothing too big. It's just that...

THOSE FUCKING PRIESTESSES INSISTED ON WATCHING SLEEP!

Sure, I slept in the same bed as my entire household. But having someone stand over you and watch you sleep is very different than that.

"Good morrow, Saint Gustav. Didst thou sleep well?" a dark elf priestess asked.

"I slept incredibly well," I answered.

"Remember, Gustav, you're here on a diplomatic mission. You need to do as much ass-kissing as possible," I thought.

The priestesses smiled.

"'tis good to know. We shall ensure that thou sleeps in this temple so long as thou art in our city."

I needed to get out of this city as soon as possible.

"Speaking of that, how long do you think it'll take for your queen to accept my audience? It should just be a crystal ball call and some paperwork, right?" I asked.

"Oh, there art no crystal balls down here. The magic reception ist horrible," a priestess said.

What the fuck? Magic reception is a thing?

"Dʰéǵʰom, what the fuck is magic reception?" I thought.

"It's not a thing," he replied. "The Dark Elves just don't think anyone should have crystal balls. Those priestesses are trying to get you to not use yours in a way that wouldn't offend you."

I suppressed a groan. I also stopped myself from facepalming and avoided pinching the bridge of my nose.

"I understand. It's a shame that I can't use my crystal ball down here. I'll just have to make do without it," I said.

A priestess nodded.

"We apologize for the inconvenience, Saint Gustav. But we hath no doubt that our lady hast sent her fastest runner to Her Majesty," she assured me.

"You don't have cavalry?" I asked.

The priestess shook her head.

"We doth not. The wide tunnels thou seest here art the exceptions. Most of the tunnels art too narrow to even use a spear. We hath to use magic to transport goods to the deeper cities."

I struggled to suppress a smile.

"Could you use magic to get me there?" I questioned.

"Thou wouldst hath to ask our lady," the priestess replied.

Then, a Dark Elf woman with gray skin, short hair, and unadorned robes entered the room. She stood in silence.

"You may speak," I told her.

"I see thou art awake, Saint Gustav," she said.

"I am," I replied.

The Dark Elf placed a hand over her chest.

"Truly, I art honored to meet a saint such as thineself."

"I'm honored to meet you too," I stated. "What's your name?"

"There ist no need for that. I art not worthy to bask in thine greatness. I am merely here to inform thee that mine lady, Barsom Kless kru Shack, hast invited thee to her morning feast," she said.

"I still should know your name. What will I call you otherwise?"

"Call me thine humble servant."

I nodded, deciding to mess with her a bit.

"Alright, thine humble servant. Escort me there," I ordered.

"Gladly," the woman bowed.

Thine humble servant stopped to pray three times before we got out of the church. The moment we were finally outside, we were swarmed by a crowd of Dark Elf men and women.

"A saint!" one of them smiled. "A saint ist here."

"O' blessed days!" another said.

"Canst I hath some of thine hair? Perhaps some fingernail clippings?" a third asked.

The Dark Elf escorting me stopped to pray, prompting the others to do the same. Then, they went right back to it.

"Dost thou hath any scab remains I couldst take?"

"Can thou bless mine newborn child?"

"Marry mine daughter and join mine family! She ist only 103, but thou canst wait another century, can thou not?"

I gave thine humble servant a look that said, "Help me!"

She chuckled.

"There ist no reason to be apprehensive, Saint Gustav. They merely wish to bask in thine glory," thine humble servant stated.

"I know that, but I have an appointment. I don't want to disappoint your lady by being late," I replied.

Thine humble servant waved it off.

"Thou dost not need to worry, Saint Gustav. She ist well aware that the city celebrates thine coming."

Two hours later, I was finally, finally, finally in Kless' castle. Though, it wasn't a castle in conventional terms. Kless' home was carved into the walls of the cavern. Everything, from the outer walls to the innermost chambers, was once part of a cave wall.

That being said, there were some additions. The floors were made of polished marble. Wood planks were bent to surround stone pillars. This gave it the illusion that it was made of wood, thus increasing Kless' social status, without lessening its structural integrity.

Numerous statues and images of various gods covered the castle. There weren't as many as in the temple, but it was still a lot.

And, of course, my escort stopped to pray constantly. She had to get in her 300 daily prayers somehow, after all.

"The Dark Elves make Crusaders look like atheists," I thought.

"That's underselling things," Dʰéǵʰom replied.

Eventually, I was escorted to the dining room everyone was. They were seated on wooden chairs around a table made of marble. My retainers had tired looks on their faces. Joanna breathed a sigh of relief when she saw me. Kless stood up.

"You may speak," I said.

"Thou hast arrived earlier than expected," she replied. "Please, take a seat and feast upon thine food."

I sat next to Joanna and looked at the meal. It was mushrooms as well as meat from some sort of animal wrapped in what looked like lizard skin. The moment I touched it, a chill ran up my hand. I pulled my limb back so fast that it was a blur.

"Is something wrong?" Kless asked.

It took all my effort to suppress a groan. And somehow, it took even more effort to think of a way to put things diplomatically.

"The food's a bit chilly," I said.

"We were't waiting for thine arrival," Kless explained. "No one shouldst eat before the saint."

My eye twitched.

"You knew that it would take me a while to get through the crowds, right?" I asked.

"Indeed. I told thine companions the same," Kless answered.

I wanted to bash my head against a stone wall until my brains splattered all over it.

"Then why didn't you just wait to cook the food?" my eye twitched.

"If thou arrived later than expected, thou wouldst hath to wait for the food. 'tis rude to keep a saint waiting," she said.

It's amazing how much effort it takes to avoid facepalming sometimes.

"Ist the food not to thine liking?" Kless questioned.

I jabbed it with a knife. The utensile bent when it hit the ice-cold lizard skin.

"I'd prefer it if it was a bit warmer," I said.

"Allow me to handle this posthaste," the Dark Elf replied.

Kless stood up and blasted the food with a wave of fire. The meal was so charred that it was darker than her. I poked it with my knife, causing it to disintegrate upon contact.

"Dʰéǵʰom, do elves understand sarcasm?" I thought.

"They don't," he replied.

"Thank you," I said sarcastically. "This is much better."

Kless smiled.

"I art happy to see that thou art pleased, Saint Gustav."

Because I wanted to avoid offending the Dark Elves, I...wait, why the fuck am I worried about offending them? They want to go out of their way to make me happy! I'm a literal fucking saint, and they're so religious that even gods think they're going too far.

I smiled widely.

"Gustav, I don't like the look you're making," Dʰéǵʰom said.

"Don't worry. I know what I'm doing," I thought.

"I hope so."

With a smile, I put some of the ash in my mouth. My retinue wasn't even mildly shocked. The ash tasted like absolute shit. However, I forced myself to not show any negative reaction to it.

"This is good, but I miss my home of Greenrivers," I said. "Do you think you could make a Greenrivers dish?"

Kless looked like she'd literally bounce off the walls from sheer joy.

"I art truly honored to accept this task from a saint," she stated.

"Good. For my retainers, I'd like soup with your tastiest meats and best broth," I replied.

Kless nodded vigorously.

"I shall hath mine servants make it at once," the Dark Elf said. "And that wast for thine companions, correct?"

"Yes," I stated.

"What shall thou have, Saint Gustav?"

I suppressed a smile so I'd look dignified. Inside, I was so excited that I thought I would explode. This was my chance! I'd introduce these Dark Elves to one of our best French dishes!

"I'd like you to get some snails and bake them in wine. White wine. I will eat those," I said.

Joanna didn't react. Astrid and Johannes looked at me like I'd lost my mind. Dr. Minos was happily eating some grass. Sir Wilhelm was clearly struggling to keep a straight face.

"I knew you were going to bring escargot up," Dʰéǵʰom sighed.

Kless just nodded.

"We dost not normally dine upon snails, but I am certain that humans hath different tastes than Dark Elves. I shall hath mine servants gather snails posthaste," she said.

"Gather enough for everyone," I told her. "You and your retainers are going to eat them too."

Kless' smile faded. Dʰéǵʰom burst out laughing.

"Did...did we displease thee somehow, Saint Gustav?" Kless asked.

"Not at all. This has been the most enjoyable journey I've ever been on," I lied as naturally as I breathed.

Riding on Cinnamon was more fun than this.

"This is my reward for your hospitality," I said.

"We are not worthy of this reward," Kless held up her hands. "Surely, thou canst think of some lesser reward?"

I shook my head.

"This is the only reward fitting for you. Please, accept this gift from a saint. Think of it as a gift from Dʰéǵʰom himself," I said.

Kless' eyes were wide in shock. She must have been desperately trying to find some way out of this situation. Unfortunately for her, I wouldn't give her time to think.

"I must humbly ask that you get the snails soon. Dʰéǵʰom is excited to see how much you like my dish," I said.

Dʰéǵʰom replied, "I sure am!"

"Yes, of course," Kless nodded. "Right away, Saint Gustav."

She gave a rapid string of orders to her servants. They scattered, running to obey her directives. Kless forced a smile.

"They shall be back to us within an hour," the Dark Elf promised.

Then, Kless started praying. I wondered if this was to get to her daily 300 prayers or because I was going to make her eat snails. Of course, I had full confidence that she would like escargot.

The servants returned with my retainers' meals first. Thankfully, they came with the escargot before the other food could get cold. I downed a snail as fast as possible. My retainers started eating the moment I did.

At that point, I ate a few more snails slowly. I savored the incredible taste. Despite not making escargot before, the Dark Elf chefs were still able to pull it off. It tasted almost as amazing as escargot in France did. A sense of warm nostalgia flowed through my body.

My eyes turned to Kless. She was sitting there with the snails in front of her. The Dark Elf was trying and failing to hide her utter disgust. I gave her a warm smile.

"Kless, go ahead and eat your snails," I said.

She hesitated.

"Mayhaps mine servants shouldst eat first?" Kless suggested.

"Of course, they shouldn't," I replied. "If no one should eat before a saint, then servants should eat after their masters."

The Dark Elf forced a smile.

"Thou art wise, Saint Gustav. I hath no counterargument," she said.

Kless reached for a snail with a trembling hand. Her breaths became ragged. As she grabbed the shell, Kless' entire body shook. The Dark Elf pulled the snail towards her as slow as she could.

"Perhaps there ist some other food thou couldst have us eat?" Kless threw a hail Mary.

"You already made this. It would be a shame to put your chefs' hard work to waste," I said.

Kless' internal screaming was clear on her face. She closed her eyes and slurped the snail out of its shell as fast as she could. My retainers looked on in utter shock as Kless' servants cringed away. Utter silence overtook the room.

Then, Kless grabbed another snail and slurped it up. She made a noise that reminded me of a certain cooking anime. The Dark Elf ate snail after snail.

"Thou art a genius, Saint Gustav, a true visionary!" she declared. "Who else but a saint couldst hath come up with such a wonderful dish?"

Probably some really hungry Romans.

"I'm glad you like it," I said.

Kless finished eating her snails. Then, her eyes turned to another plate.

"I must hath more. Servants, prepare more snails to replace this plate!" she commanded.

The Dark Elf grabbed the plate and was about to start eating. Then, she came to a sudden stop. A troubled look crossed her face.

Kless said, "I art full. 'tis a shame, but I shall not let that stop me!"

She faced the floor and jammed her fingers down her throat. Kless spewed vomit all over the stone. Then, she started eating more escargot. My retainers looked like they lost their appetites.

The moment Kless finished, she ran over and grabbed my arm. Thankfully, the Dark Elf didn't use the hand she shoved down her throat.

"Please, accompany me to mine kitchen! Show me more of thine recipes!" Kless said.

"Okay," I replied.

The Dark Elf dragged me off. There was a massive smile on her face. Her body shook with excitement.

"I didst not hath this much fun since I reincarnated into this world," she said.

"You too, huh?" I asked.

"Yes, I..."

Kless stopped dead in her tracks. Her eyes widened as she turned to me with sudden realization in her eyes.

"Thou were't reincarnated?" sheer shock covered Kless' face.