A Dumbass Isekai Protagonist's Guide to Surviving Murder Drones

I shoved aside all the generic pop-up text as I "woke up" in my teenage frame… kinda weird that I'd be printing my new frame tonight and would be in this frame for less than a Copper 9 standard day. Eh, whatever. I woke up, took a look around, went through the tests Doctor Hayden had me do… and then something occurred to me just as he was about to leave the room. "Hey, Doc?" I asked him.

"Yes? Is there something you noticed with your frame?" he replied.

"Is…" I overclocked and thought of a better way to phrase my question, "What's going to happen to my old frame?"

"That thing?" he asked me back. "It'll probably get sent to requisitions, and from there get recycled. Just like any of our waste stuff. Even our actual waste."

I went to ask my more important question, but then that last bit fully registered to my processors as I put the implications together. "Wait, that's where all our crap goes?"

"You didn't know that?"

"Our crap gets broken down on the molecular level and then assembled into other stuff?"

"At this point, most things in Outpost 3 that have come out of a printer contain atoms that used to be drone fecal matter. Though, it doesn't really count as such if it's been disassembled on the molecular and even atomic level and then remade into something else, now does it?"

"I mean you're definitely right, but also, I'm technically not incorrect if I say that everything is made of poop, am I?"

"Are you sure we put your processors back together right?"

"Positive," I told him, without a hint of hesitation. After all, the processors were fine. It was the human ghost in the shell that got shoved into them and converted to code that was the abnormality.

Dr. Hayden gave me a look , but then shrugged. "If you say so. So what was your initial question concerning your old frame?"

I took a moment to pretend to regain my train of thought. "Can you recycle the internals, but leave the external chassis untouched?"

"We can do that, but why ?" he asked me.

Because I owe this much to Andrew and Kelsey, the former for using his corpse for three years, and the latter for making her have to see him every time she looked at me , I thought, but aloud, I said, "I'm not Andrew. I'll never be him. That kid died, and I woke up in his body. I'm not using it anymore though, so I think that he deserves a proper burial with his parents. Put his body in the empty coffin that's sitting with theirs."

Dr. Hayden stared at me with wide optics for a few moments. " Wow , that was profound," he remarked, and then realized he said that aloud. "Er, I mean, we can absolutely do that. I think that's a very emotionally complex and responsible thing for you to think of. I'll contact requisitions, the funerary department, and get things ready. You're a kid, you shouldn't have to worry about any of that." Which was a total lie, but I'd take it. "When do you want the service to be?"

"Is two weeks fine?" I asked him. "Not like, exactly that time, but in about two weeks?"

"That's perfectly fine. I'll get it set up and message you with the details when you're ready. Do you want it to be a private affair, or?" he trailed off.

"I doubt I'll have more than a dozen drones present," I told him.

"Small to moderate," Dr Hayden noted. "Right then, you're good to put on your new clothes and then head out then. Good luck with school today!" And he headed out right after reminding me that I'd woken up early to go and get the frame transfer early as well, and still had school coming up. Fun times…

Regardless, I went over to the outfit Penny made for my "10th" Birthday. I'd requested the same camo outfit as before, but Penny had made the pattern much smoother, and extended it to my hardhat as well. It looked really frakking snazzy once I had it all on, let me tell ya. On top of that, I had a new wig, the same proportional length as the old one, but objectively longer to match my increased height overall. Rebecca had made this one herself as a birthday present, and I swear to the Solver this girl had a freaking talent with hair and hair-care products, because holy shit it looked nicer than my old one, and the hair was so fluffy . Like, almost as fluffy as Crossbreed Priscilla's Fluffy Tail! And that was like, the fluffiest of all fluffs to have ever fluffed in the history of fluff!

I opened up The Neglected Children of Outpost 3 (and Thad) .

Isekai_Protagonist: I AM RETURNED!!!

Darkxwolf16: Happy Birthday dude!

Darkxwolf16: Also, really? Godfrey Reference?

TheLastCrusade: Lol. Also Happy Birthday Joe!

Thad_the_Chad: Happy 10th, Joe-Bro!

KayKay: Happy Birthday!

Кукла: Happy Birthday, Joe!

Babeatron-Queenthousand: Happy Birthday, Joseph!

TotesBestGirl: HB, man!

DarrenToDream: Yo, Happy Birthday!

Horror_Movie_Survivor: And here's to many more!

Dress-to-Impress: Hope it's a great one so far!

Isekai_Protagonist: It has been, Penny! This outfit rocks! Thanks so much! The wig too, Rebecca!

Dress-to-Impress: It's no problem! It was the least I could do after you helped me pursue my passion!

TotesBestGirl: I'm like, THE hair gal, dude.

We all chatted about some random nonsense as I walked along to school for a bit, and then Kelsey chimed in with a question for me.

KayKay: Any crazy plans for today?

I briefly reflected that, at least from my perspective, that transferring to my own combat frame wasn't that crazy, and then replied.

Isekai_Protagonist: Not really, no. Having a party at my place later though.

Horror_Movie_Survivor: Hey man, I don't wanna spoil the present, but I kinda gotta, since my mom just got back to me. She pulled some strings, and is replacing your hab door with the same stuff that Khan uses for the Main Doors. But… your hab has some really good encryption and they can't get in to take the old door down, lol.

I started to chuckle in the hallway, getting a couple looks but ignoring them. I ran through a mental checklist on overclock and yes , there was no contraband that wasn't safely squirreled away. Even the DU Deagle I'd been carrying hidden away in an inside pocket on my coat for the past few months was on me, after all. And yes , I was aware of the irony of being an Italian- American who had been bringing a gun to school every day for about a year now. I forwarded Trevor the code to forward it to his mom, and told him that I'd code a new password when I got back and to tell his mom not to sweat it.

Isekai_Protagonist: Tell your mom thanks man, I was NOT expecting that. Seriously, she's awesome, and didn't have to do that for my sake.

Horror_Movie_Survivor: Don't sweat it, dude!

Isekai_Protagonist: Still, tell your mom I said thanks!

Horror_Movie_Survivor: No prob, man.

I smiled a bit as I strolled into the classroom with about 10 minutes to class. Everyone else was already in their seats. I took a moment to stop, take a breath (completely unnecessary beyond calming my nonexistent nerves), and then walked over to Kelsey. She looked up from her chat with Rebecca, Doll, Emily, and Lizzy (something about ideas to practice cheerleading stuff while also refining reflexes for the apocalypse) as I got there. "Joe?" she asked me, before her eyemotes widened as she looked at me a bit closer. Probably really taking in the fact that I was no longer wearing Andrew's corpse. Her shoulder untensed just a fraction as it seemed to sink in for her, and she looked profoundly vulnerable in that one moment.

"Right," I said, "I'm…" I was trying not to overclock, because that felt a bit disingenuous for something this important. "I talked to Dr. Hayden after my frame transfer. I'm gonna recycle the internals of my old frame, but not the chassis. I wanted… to have a proper funeral for Andrew." Kelsey's mouth started to hang open, optics partly hollowing. "Dr. Hayden is gonna give me details on the exact date, but it'll be in roughly two weeks, and we're gonna put him to rest in the empty coffin next to his parents. I just… I thought you deserved to know right away, and that I should tell you in person instead of the group chat."

She sat there for a few more seconds, before suddenly bolting up from her seat and hugging me, quietly crying. "Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, Joe."

I awkwardly hugged her back for a few seconds, patting her on the back, glancing past her to see Uzi struggling to not use her enhanced strength to shatter her desk as she pounded her fist on it and struggled not to laugh. My deadpan just made the task more difficult. "Any chance you can work with Rebecca and Penny to get some clothes and a wig to match what he used to wear for when we lay him to rest?"

"I'll do it!" Penny piped in. "No problem for my friends. Just tell me what you want and I'll put it together."

"I got your back for this, Kelsey," Rebecca said.

Kelsey let go and stepped back, still sniffling. And turned to look at them both. "Thank you so much, girls," she told them.

"Girl," Liz told her, "Anything you need for this, we got you. No problem."

"You need a coffin bearer?" Thad asked.

"I promise we won't do that coffin dance meme Joe showed us that one time," Darren added.

"Can I say some prayers?" Emily asked.

Kelsey was starting to tear up more. "I… thank you all so much!" she said in a small voice. "D-Definitely, Emily."

I glanced over to the side, and noticed Doll's optics ringing out as the talk went on, and immediately realized that she was thinking about the bodies in her hab right now. Without disturbing any of the others (save for Lizzy who seemed to have a supernatural sense for when someone approached Doll while she wasn't watching), I quietly slipped over to her and whispered in Russian, " Hey Doll, I'm sorry if any of this is reminding you of that day. "

Doll snapped to attention, flushing a bit, and then said, " Thanks for the concern, Joe. It's… it's really nice that you care so much for all of us. "

" No problem, Dolly ," I told her, and then headed over to my own seat.

As I surveyed the rest of the room, I saw Uzi stock still in an overclock, and slightly concerned, I overclocked myself, just in time for Uzi to ping me on the Unhinged Maniacs Plotting Thread .

Darkxwolf16: OH MY ROBO-GOD! OH MY ROBO-GOD! LFMAO!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!

Darkxwolf16: I CAN'T EVEN!!!

Darkxwolf16: LMAO!!!

Isekai_Protagonist: What's so funny, Uzi?

Darkxwolf16: OMFRG!!!

Darkxwolf16: Okay! Okay! Hahahahahahaha! So like…

Darkxwolf16: Oh my robo god, I can't!

Darkxwolf16: I heard Lizzy mutter something with that enhanced hearing you hooked me up with.

Darkxwolf16: [Has shared an audio file]

Darkxwolf16: I can't! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Concerned, I opened the audio file, and listened to the playback from Uzi's audials.

" Thanks for the concern, Joe. It's… it's really nice that you care so much for all of us. "

" No problem, Dolly ."

And then I heard Lizzy mutter, quiet enough that I'd missed it, but not Uzi, "I wish the both of you cared about me a little more…"

I stayed in overclock to make sure no one saw how my optics shrunk to pixel thick rings.

Darkxwolf16: She has a crush on you BOTH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

I internally screamed. Uzi kept laughing and teasing me over the UMPT , and class started a couple minutes later.

_________

A six hour school day was exactly what I needed to mentally recover from the explicit confirmation that a robot girl about eighteen years younger than me had a crush on me and her bestie at the same time. Uzi's hour of teasing me over it, on the other hand, took a bit longer, and I only really started to recover from it as everyone started piling into my hab (with its new Khan-grade door) and I put on Autonomous Combat System by Fear Factory to flush my processors with some loud-ass heavy metal. Still took the first verse passing me by entirely as well as a bit of letting the guitar wash over me before I got back into my groove.

Refuse to give me a life extension

Sever mortality from existence

Disconnect the chains of fate

Disrupt and disobey

Disobey

I took a breath, relaxing, and started to welcome people properly. Lizzy brought in a trolley, and my jaw legit fucking dropped when she whipped off the cover and gave a smug grin as she unveiled enough actual robo-carbonara for everyone to have seconds. "You cooked actual robo-carbonara?" I asked.

What you thought was your human redemption

Waking up to engines of destruction

Disconnect and circuit break

Impulse to eliminate

She blushed a bit, and suddenly I hated everything again. "Well, like, Dolly told me that you got really upset that one time on your birthday a couple years back, so I went and used my copy of that cookbook Doll and I made to make the a bunch and have it taste about as close to the organic stuff would taste to humans, you know?" She looked away and twisted her foot on the floor.

I am a weapon of human design

Nothing is sacred to stay alive, alive

I am a weapon of human design

Uzi pinged me on the UMPT.

Darkxwolf16: One: Dude, she LITERALLY cooked for you!

Darkxwolf16: Two, laying it on a little thick with the lyrics, lol.

Isekai_Protagonist: Shut up Uzi, and I literally just hit random on my Fear Factory playlist.

"This… thanks Liz, I really appreciate it," I told her. She lunged forwards and gave me a hug, and I internally screamed while Uzi appeared normal on the outside but was literally livestreaming her internal laughter to me over the UMPT .

There is only one path to peace

Extinction!

I held onto the hug for an entirely platonically appropriate amount of time before disengaging and working with everyone to get plates set up. And fuck me in a non-sexy way , the carbonara was fucking amazing . Not as good as Nonna's, but it's scientifically impossible to top someone's Italian Nonna when it comes to cooking Italian dishes. Still though, I think Lizzy easily hit third place, only exceeded by my Nonna and that one place in a back alley in Firenze that I ate at. Godsdamnit, the guilt was eating at me right now. Definitely, 100% guilt, and I objectively refused to acknowledge anything else because I was better than that!

I got distracted from the rest of the song as I had a second helping, along with the next song that came on, the lyrics fading to background noise that I'd be able to perfectly recall if I wanted to, but we started cleaning up the dishes after we ate, and then we got to the rest of the presents. I hadn't expected it, but Uzi passed me a note from her dad, who was evidently in the midst of doing a complete overhaul for the vent systems by the Doors, replacing them wholesale with him-tier protection, rather than just bolting Khan-grade grates on top of them. Evidently, it had occurred to the guy on his own that tearing the vent covers off by their objectively weaker moorings was something the Murder Drones could do, and he wanted that fixed yesterday . Kudos to him for that, you know? And yes, my 4th Wall Audience I was aware existed but wasn't explicitly aware of , he'd fixed the issue with N jabbing the control panel with his stinger being able to cause Doors 2 and 3 to open. Because I know someone would fucking ask that. Anyways, the note read:

Hey Joseph,

I'll admit I'm not… the best at these things… or feelings in general. Robo-god, it literally took you laying me out on my ass, knocking out a dozen of my coworkers, and verbally ripping me a new waste-ejection port to set me straight with Uzi… I deserved that though. I'll admit, that I'm still having trouble paying attention to stuff beyond Uzi though, even if I'm working on it as hard as I can, so I'm not sure what exactly you'd want for your birthday. So consider this note an IOU-- one free favor from Khan Doorman, for anything in my power that doesn't put the colony in danger, okay?

Happy Birthday Kiddo.

I blinked a few times, and then looked up at Uzi. "He's gonna regret giving me/you that," we both said in perfect sync, and then both started laughing our asses off as well.

" Knowing you, he absolutely will, " Doll commented. Lizzy started laughing, and Doll joined her.

"Right, I'm up!" Uzi suddenly cut in. She sent me a file, and my optics widened as I skimmed through it.

"No way ," I told her. "You did not --"

She grinned. "Actually figure out that Halo-style motion tracker you were trying to make? Oh hell yes , I did!" She cackled like the gremlin she was.

" Awesome !" I shouted out.

"I know!" she said. "I made it!"

"A motion-what now?" Emily asked.

"Motion tracker. Picture it like a radar widget that puts up blips based on motion nearby, with a built-in IFF, that also can't be tracked like an active radar or sonar can."

"Oh, that's neat," Kelsey said.

"Huh, that does sound useful," Emily agreed.

"Could I use it in a hypothetical gravball game to tell if there were people coming up behind me?" Thad asked. Everyone looked at him. "What?"

"Totally agree with Thad," Darren said.

I rolled my optics. "Yeah, it would work for that. Buuuuuut, they'd probably ban it, unless everyone had it."

"Dang," Trevor said.

Still, I pinged Uzi on the UMPT.

Isekai_Protagonist: This is fucking amazing Uzi. That's like, a possible actual counter to fake Solver holograms too. Not perfect, but it might be able to tell us what's a hologram vs where the hidden camera is.

Darkxwolf16: I know. I'm awesome.

Isekai_Protagonist: Never said you weren't.

Darkxwolf16: Thanks.

Darkxwolf16: But don't like, tell anyone I said that!

Isekai_Protagonist: lol! But sure.

"Hey," Thad said, "If you thought that was kickass, how about this ?" He grinned as he passed me a box, and I opened it up to reveal.

" Questa è una cazzo di volopattino ?!?" I shouted, because holy fuck , this actually looked like a fucking hoverboard . Doll started cracking up at my reflexive Italian.

"Oh hell yeah," Thad said. "My parents chipped in to help me get this for ya."

" How ?!?" because I thought it was gonna be a while before I could get my hands on some hover tech to reverse engineer (commercially available blueprints had a built in feature to allow police to brick them, and I wouldn't put it past the Solver to have given that remote code to MDs. You also couldn't remove that feature without the whole system getting bricked anyways.), and I had thought I was either gonna have to figure out the entire technological tree from scratch, which while not hard given how much I cheat at everything, would have been time consuming , or have to get my hands on an actual sample of hovertech, like the board Thad just gave me, to reverse engineer and figure out how to build this shit without the override in place. Thad giving me this just catapulted my vehicular plans forwards by months . I'd probably still use some manner of ground vehicles, but I could skip motorcycles entirely and possibly cut straight to supersonic hoverbikes.

"I have my ways," Thad replied, still grinning.

"Damn," I said. "Dude, this is fucking amazing !" Because I was gonna reverse engineer the shit out of this thing, and build tons of hover gear, thruster packs, the whole fucking shebang! "Like, seriously, dude this kicks ass!"

"Hey, I said I'd get you something good, and I delivered," he shot back with a grin. I gave the dude a fist-bump.

Doll came up next, a bit nervous. " I, got you two things, Joseph ," she said, she pulled out another Matryoshka Doll, this one with me on the outside, " Don't remind me about the irony, " she said. I gently took it, and each layer opened to a smaller rendition of each of my friends… with Uzi being the smallest in the middle. Lol. Uzi herself was pouting off to the side when she saw that, arms crossed and decidedly miffed.

"I love it, Doll," I told her, gently setting it aside and giving her a hug. Huh, she was warm. Probably a Solver symptom.

" I… I've also been doing some experimentation with my powers, " I raised an eyemote, slightly concerned. We'd been watching her practicing at the parkour course since her initial manifestation, and with a steady supply of oil, she was starting to show moderate improvement. I would not want to put her in combat yet, but she was improving with her Solver. " I don't just have the telekinesis," she said. The group gathered around as she threw up first a regular Solver Glyph, then it shifted to [TRANSLATE], then [ROTATE], " I can spin objects in place to give them greater velocity." We all knew this, she'd figured it out only a couple days after, but we could recognize she was leading into something and let her continue. " I could send the knife cuz made me spinning at possibly supersonic speeds if I had the oil and practice ," she admitted. " It's… its been getting easier to use my powers as well with practice. Like… an organic muscle. I strain it, but once it heals, it's stronger on the next use. I can get a little farther, lift a little more, send things moving a little faster each time, " she was actually smiling, getting into it as she explained. " It's… its actually fun doing those practice sessions at the parkour course these past few weeks. Not sure why you came up with those specific names for each function the Solver lets me use, but they seem appropriate. I can even see the benefits to changing the size of certain things with [SCALE] as well. " She accented her point by shifting her current glyph to [SCALE] and made the overall Matryoshka Doll a bit bigger. " I've been having ideas of combining various functions as well, but that's for later. "

Wait, I thought, is Doll leading into figuring out--

" Going with the theme you came up with, Joe, I want to name this new function [EDIT] ," she said, and yep , that was an [EDIT] glyph alright. " I think this is the most powerful function yet, because it lets me fundamentally change things. I can literally transmute matter like those Medieval and Renaissance alchemists Liz goes on about wanted to. "

"Dolly!" Lizzy squeaked out.

"You've been doing research on Medieval and Renaissance stuff, Liz?" I asked her.

"SHUT UP!" she screamed.

There was a round of laughter at her expense. Then Doll visibly took some effort to lift the other box she had brought putting continued with, placing it on the table with a solid thunk , and then she said, " Anyways, I snuck into requisitions again and printed a regular steel entrenching tool for you, but," she held up a hand, " I used that new [EDIT] function to change it on a molecular level into that… what did you call it?" I opened my mouth to say something, but she held a hand up. " CrCoNi! " she suddenly exclaimed. "I transmuted the whole thing into Carbon-Nanotube Reinforced CrCoNi !" She suddenly seemed really nervous as she opened the box and I peered over at the Solver-[EDIT]ed entrenching tool in question. " I know that it's really heavy, to the point of being outright impractical, but-- "

She squeaked as I gave her another hug. Yeah, I'd fabricated one for my own use already, but, "You made me a CNT Reinforced CrCoNi entrenching tool with your Solver?!?" I squeaked out, because seriously , I was fucking loosing it ! Because I totally could and would be able to lift that without effort once I swapped to my combat frame tonight. "That is so fucking awesome !" I shouted, lifting her up and spinning around as she yelped in panic. I set her down and then I was literally jumping in place like the kid I was pretending to be. " Porca Puttana ! Porca Puttana ! Ahahahaha!"

Uzi was laughing. "Of course he loses his shit when someone gives him a weapon," she snarked, but I didn't care, because Doll made me a fucking entrenching tool with her Solver and that was fucking awesome !

"Holy crap he's actually acting his age," Lizzy muttered.

"All we had to do is give him a weapon," Rebecca snarked.

"Don't care!" I shouted. " THIS SHIT IS THE BEST!!! " I whooped again. I turned around and suddenly gave Doll another hug. "You're the best , Dolly!" I swapped to Russian, " You're the fucking best !"

She was starting to blush. "I didn't think you'd like it that much," she admitted. "I mean, I know you liked weapons, but I wanted to make you something cool and personal that would help keep you safe--"

" I love it, Doll, " I told her. " I love it ."

Doll smiled, a genuine, honest smile, free from any of the emotional baggage that V's break-in left with her even now. " I'm happy that you love it ," she said.

"Well, damn," Thad commented. "Almost makes my hoverboard feel inadequate."

"Nah man," I told him, "That kicked ass, it's just… you know, magically forged entrenching tool ."

Uzi started laughing, and Lizzy commented, "Yeah, I don't think anyone's beating that."

"So like," Rebecca cut in, "Are you gonna stop hugging, or?" she trailed off.

Doll and I separated immediately. I still couldn't care less at any implications Rebecca may have been making, though. I was riding high off that last present.

"Well," Kelsey commented, "I know it isn't made with literal robot vampire magic, but I still made this myself, Joseph," she said, and she pulled out a handmade MLP G4 (unreformed) Changeling Pin, with grey eyes like my optics, wearing its own winter camo coat and a tiny Anarcho-Syndicalist pin. The second she put it in my hands I was pinning that thing to my coat.

"Awesome," I told her. "Just, kickass, Kelsey."

"Thanks," she said. "Happy Birthday, Joe."

"Thanks," I said right back.

"Yo!" Darren said when he came up, and tossed me a thumbdrive. "That's a whole-ass compendium of Guerilla Warfare books, for our whole 'planning to wage war on an Eldritch Horror and possibly the Murder Drones too' thing. And also a digital copy of Sun Tzu's Art of War."

"You frakking rock , dude!" I said, giving the guy a high-five with my free hand.

Emily walked up to me next, and handed me a small box, inside of which was a steel crucifix that was about a foot long. "I figured that if we're facing some kind of demonic horror in the future, that it wouldn't hurt to have one of these on hand." I noticed that the bottom of it was sharpened , just in time for her to say, "While I couldn't make it out of high-end stuff because I don't have vampire witch powers," Doll stuck her tongue out when Emily threw a side eye, and then all three of us giggled, "I did sharpen the end. Faith is nice, but faith and being able to stab things with it in a pinch is better. God can give us courage, but it's up to us to fight that fear."

I got a DM from her a moment later. She must have typed it up earlier and just sent it now.

TheLastCrusade: You seem to have some kind of talent for getting high-end stuff. Not my place to ask your secrets, especially after you got me a CrCoNi crucifix with a built in light that can bootloop Murder Drones. I'm… still really touched that you trusted me enough to share that. And don't worry, I haven't even told Trevor about it. It's actually really funny that I have a symbol of faith that I can use to knock one of those demon-possessed drones out and then CAVE THEIR HEADS IN with right afterwards. But my point is that you can use the crucifix to make something more durable however you do it, I won't mind. Happy Birthday, Joe!

Isekai_Protagonist: Roger that. Thanks, and take care, Emily.

Man, it still surprised me just how awesome Emily actually was after I got to know her. Really made me upset that she died in canon. Like, this girl was the perfect mix of robot Fluttershy, innocent Christian girl, and DEUS VULT! And she's also willing to keep secrets! I was real nervous about giving her a bootloop light, but she just kept it and kept her mouth shut, and loved the present. I made a mental note to put some extra effort into making that Eviscerator Chainsword for her. And Also a mental note to feed the crucifix she just gave me into a matter printer along with some extra material to reprint it all as a CNT Reinforced CrCoNi crucifix that has one of my handheld UV lights built into it so that I could use it as a literal holy talisman against the Solver because that'd be fucking hilarious . And I get the honest impression that Emily would not only approve, but want one for herself .

Trevor came up to give his gift next. "Well, I'd say you saved the best for last, but a hoverboard, a magic shov--"

"Entrenching tool," myself, Lizzy, Doll, and Uzi all corrected at the same time. Multiple people started laughing.

"My bad," Trevor said. "A hoverboard, a magic entrenching tool , and a literal Halo motion tracker are some pretty still competition. Still, how's this ?" he asked, passing me another thumbdrive. I downloaded what was on it, and ran through it at a normal (for robots) speed. Oh! Ooooooooh! This is actually some good stuff , I thought.

"Shock absorption springs to integrate into our legs?" I asked him. "These are some nice blueprints!"

"I was playing Portal 1-7 with Emily a while back," Trevor said, "And I thought the Longfall boots were pretty awesome. But, also, totally sci-fi, so I had to settle for some really good shock-absorption springs instead. Honestly, if we integrated these into our frames, as long as we landed on our feet, we could probably take like a 20 story fall without issue."

" Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn ," I said. "That's kickass , Trevor!"

He rubbed the back of his head. "Heh, I come up with cool stuff now and then, dude."

Uzi pinged me on the UMPT , and I overclocked to have a quick conversation with her.

Darkxwolf16: Oh we're TOTALLY gonna have to put me back under to get those into my new frame, aren't we?

Isekai_Protagonist: Yeah, they're actually REALLY good.

Isekai_Protagonist: [Has shared a file]

Isekai_Protagonist: Sorry Uzi.

Darkxwolf16: Damn! Those ARE good.

Darkxwolf16: Eh, I'll deal with it. Only gonna be swapping my legs for this, at least.

Aloud, after a single second went by, I replied to Trevor with, "Dude, you outdid yourself with this man. Give yourself a pat on the back."

"Sweet!" he called out, and I gave him a high five.

"Thanks, everyone," I called out. "I really appreciate it," and I was completely honest. Getting to know all these people was amazing , and I was gonna be using some of their own gifts to help save not just them, but the entire damn galaxy from Robot Cthulhu Satan itself. I was actually looking forward to kicking things off in the imminent future.

_________

I will admit, letting Uzi Doorman have unfettered access to my unconscious body and mind for the purposes of putting me into the custom body I just spent the last 4 hours printing out ( with Trevor's shock absorbers as well as the motion tracker Uzi designed, and yes , I did create Emily's Crucifix 2.0 first) caused me slight concern, but trust was a two-way street, and not trusting anyone ever would put me on a fast-track to becoming Josephine from AxisRouge's Murder Drones: Integration AU. And I did not wanna end up acting like that puttana , thank you very much. Regardless, I was strapped in, everything was ready, and Uzi was giving a few final checks to the Drone Maintenance Station before we got going. And after I was done (two hardware transfers in one day, lol), we'd already had her new legs printed and would be swapping those out next.

Uzi looked up at me. "Everything seems good to go, Joe…" she trailed off. "Are you like… you actually trust me with this? It's not just that you don't have anyone else for this?"

Man, for all that she acted like a more socially adjusted version of her canon self nowadays, I still sometimes stopped actively noticing that Uzi was still ten , and even if she was doing way better nowadays, still had lingering trust, self worth, and abandonment issues. I gave her a smile. "At the risk of quoting future V, I trust you, Uzi." And then I added, just to drive it in, "I really do."

She smiled. "Thanks, Joe."

Forced shutdown was a weird sensation. I could feel my awareness slip into the ether without my control, which was partly why I designed my new frame with an additional gate that a shutdown would need admin (that being me) or moderator (who had way less privileges, but medical shutdown was one of them, and I'd given that role to Uzi with the additional caveat coded in that if someone else was running on her OS that the permission would automatically disable, and would probably hand it to a few others) permission to actually do it. That loss of awareness was not fun when I wasn't responsible for it, mind you.

My internal clock told me roughly ten minutes came by when I flipped back on. I took a look around just in time for Uzi to start helping me out of the thing. "How do you feel man?"

"Like the godsdamned terminator," I told her. She started chuckling as she helped me out. "This is awesome ."

"I know ," she said. "Let's get your tests done and then swap my legs and add that motion tracker next!"

Said tests to make sure everything was working as it was (with a new addition of climbing a ladder to the roof of Vault 1 and then jumping, which while initially terrifying because a fear of heights carried over from my first life, was actually pretty fun once I had empirical evidence that I would no longer suffer grievous injury as long as I landed on my feet) went off without a hitch, as did Uzi's leg transfer and the subsequent jumping tests she did as well… we might have spent a bit too long fabricating a second ladder so we could both keep jumping from the ceiling back down. Falling was fun when there were no longer consequences, okay! Hell, Uzi even started doing flips as she dropped!

Anyways, on the latest episode of "Joseph speedruns the Geneva Checklist with Co-Star Uzi Doorman," I'd been fabricating a variety of guns, weapons, explosives, bigger explosives , like 500kg bombs, because our new frames could actually lift an explosive that weighed over half a ton now (and, just, over a ton in general), and I could totally use these to fuck over Murder Drones as part of traps… ahem… as well as designing some new stuff. Work on a powerfield within the confines of Vault 3 (more on that later) was… slow, but promising. I don't think the laws of reality would let me create a 1-to-1 powerfield ala 40k, but I think that with a couple of years of work, I might be able to break those laws and create a localized field that disrupts spacetime itself in such a manner that intermolecular bonds weaken, but without causing outright atomic degradation. The real problem would be figuring out a way to make that field only barely wrap around just the blade or surface of any power weapon I wanted to make, and not affect the weapon itself. I had high hopes though. Partly because a powersword would be fucking cool , and partly because I actually had the (cheated) pre-requisite knowledge of physics to make this work with enough time and effort, and I was reasonably certain I actually had enough time to have this ready for the Solver.

Also on the theoretical phase was ideas for a 40k Plasma weapon. The concept was actually relatively simple with the future science of the 3000s: Use a miniature fusion core to contain a mass of superheated plasma. And not like "plasma as a sci-fi substance," I'm talking matter superheated into plasma, literally the same stuff in stars, and burning just as hot if not more so . In fact, a decent amount of 40k writers did in fact, make them hotter. It's kept contained by a powerful magnetic field until fired, and then I could build some magnetic coils within the weapon that would shear off a bolt of the stuff and fling it out the barrel at high speeds when I pulled the trigger. Did that sound just as dangerous and accident-prone as actual plasma guns in 40k? Yes, because it was, but at the same time, most things I'd shoot with a glob of matter superheated to over 10,000 degrees (Fahrenheit, in this case) would, you know, fucking get vaporized . Probably wouldn't use it on a Murder Drone specifically if and when I did get it going, but a Solverpede? Hell yes. And if I could test to see if Uzi or Doll could stop it with their own Solvers, and they couldn't for whatever reason, I'd absolutely shoot it at the Solver itself. And, you know, any humans running around post-canon that wanted to either kill or enslave us again. Unlike a powerfield, all the individual science bits for a 40k plasma gun were all extant things, the trouble in this case would be at least semi-safely containing a mass of plasma in a firearm while setting up the proper magnets to shear off globs of the stuff and then fling it at my targets at a sufficient velocity without risking harm to me directly. I might workshop the physics and engineering of it with Uzi.

Speaking of, Uzi herself was already taking advantage of the 3D design software I'd gotten her and was planning out her "SAHMPA" (the fact that she was actually going with that as the name was fucking hilarious ). We might have a working prototype of a magneto-hydrodynamic particle accelerator to fling a beam of liquid mercury at about half the speed of light in about 10 months at the current rate, though Uzi was simultaneously hooked on the idea of building an actual magnetically amplified photon converger to somehow condense light into a green-tinged death-ray. She was having… decidedly less luck on that front, but she was Uzi-freaking-Doorman, it'd be her, considering that she does exactly that in canon… and maybe her dad, considering that he also did exactly that in canon.

Past that stuff, structural analysis of the ET Doll made for me showed me that it is literally molecularly flawless , even better than what the IGMPs can manage, and that's a feat literally only possible with the Solver. I am totally using hers instead of the one I fabricated. Fuck man, I needed to get her something amazing for her next birthday, this this was fucking awesome … I just had an idea, I thought. I didn't consciously acknowledge the idea, to build narrative suspense for the 4th Wall, but it was a great idea, and I could definitely get it done before her birthday. Might need Uzi's help for it, though… no, I definitely need her help. But this entrenching tool was the GOAT, and I was so gonna go for that idea to pay Doll back in kind for it!

Moving back to Vault 3 like I said I would, the exterior was done, the interior was still being set up, but it was usable. I was in the process of setting up my Copper 9 conspiracy board, and it would be where I had any physical copies of any personal Isekai planning I'd do. I was also gonna set up a personal lab where I do experiments I don't want to risk the Solver learning about in there, such as testing with DD parts powerfields, and all my work on my Ultimate Virus of Doom (I was still trying to figure out a good name) would now solely be done in here on a quarantined PC. Beyond that stuff, I was also gonna set up a personal workshop, and some spare weapons and emergency stuff. And finally, n the event of my death, I've set things up such that an automated message will be sent to Uzi, Doll, Thad, and Lizzy on how to access that layer and Vault 4… once I had Vault 4 set up, which was still only about halfway along.

As for accessing Vault 3, I have devised something truly hard to crack, solely because of how absolutely fucking cursed it is. It feels like something my brother would have come up with back home, you know? Two words: Butthole Scanner . Yes. You read, saw, and/or heard that right, 4th Wall. I'd ever so slightly modified the waste-ejection port of my new frame to appear cosmetically different than factory standard, and no , I will not go into detail on how it's different, because I already feel like someone 's written smut about me already, and I'm not giving them more material to work with. Butt (heh!), my butthole was now different to every other drone's, which meant that only my own ass (and the admin override I coded up) could open Vault 3 now. Press a hidden button to open up the hidden butthole scanner, yoink my pants down, press my shiny metal ass against it, wait two seconds, and the secret door opens. I can guarantee that no one on this side of the 4th Wall would guess something so monumentally fucking stupid was how you got in. Which is exactly why I picked it. Because I live by this maxim, folks: If it's stupid, but it works , it's not stupid.

With the testing having finished and my new frame absolutely kickass are ready for combat, we took a walk over to the recreational section of Vault 2 to chill out on some nice couches I fabricated, popping open some antifreeze, and I decided to bring something a bit more heavy up with Uzi, because it was something I wanted her to be able to make an informed decision on, rather than panic and do it in the moment like in canon. "Hey, Uzi?" I asked, more serious than usual.

She raised an eyebrow, and turned down the nightcore she had playing on the stereo. "Yeah?"

"I'm not gonna say how you do it, but I wanna talk about beating the Solver and the potential consequences thereof."

"Okay?" she said, a bit confused, but now with her full attention on me.

"Basically, the way you kill it means you usurp it, and basically become it. Not like, assimilated personality, but rather you become the Primary Host for the Absolute Solver. That has… consequences. Some kind of remnant of the Solver, or maybe Cyn, still lingers in your OS, and can manifest in the tail you get. The series ended really abruptly, and a lot of lore never got built on, and you never got the Patch, and while I'm aiming to rectify that specific detail, I don't know if you might end up in a literally endless battle to keep Robot Cthulhu Satan at bay in your OS. I don't know what kind of long term difficulties you might deal with, if it's gonna be something agonizing for you or not, where the only alternative is to let that abomination unto sapience out again, or let it use your own body to kill everyone you love," I told her, and Uzi's optics kept ringing out as I kept talking. "There's a theory that your body was outright vaporized by what happens, and that the you we see from that point onwards is a Solver Hologram that's capable of maintaining a corporeal shell, and your actual body is a giant Solverpede," I said, flicking my visor to show a still image of Eldritch J, two of Solver Cyn as both the centipede with Cyn atop it and the full-on nightmare we see right before poor Tessa got offscreen'd in Home , and the brief a zoomed in shot of the Solver in the cracked mirror in the locker in the post-credits scene in Episode 8. "On the one hand, it's a guaranteed win condition. On the other, I want you to understand what you might be getting into, and that it could cause you problems later on. I'm more than willing to try to find a different way to beat the Solver if you're uncomfortable with the idea at all , Uzi. Okay?"

Uzi looked at me, eyes… optics… did it really matter? ... eyemotes hollow and wide, and she was definitely thinking in overclock right now. I waited patiently for a full six seconds before she snapped back to real-time. "I… that's heavy, Joe," she started with. I… I appreciate that you told me about that ahead of time. Thanks, man." She pulled out the fidget spinner I'd made for her and started fiddling with it, and I knew that meant she was really unnerved.

"Want a hug?"

She looked up at me. "Why is that like, always your first reaction?"

I shrugged. "I don't get how to people , but hugs make folks feel nice."

She snrked . "Fine, you dumb human ghost in the shell." She held her arms open and I gave her a hug, and she hugged back tight. "Thanks," she said, quietly.

"No problem."

"I'm… scared by all that," Uzi admitted. " Really scared, actually… but… I don't want to risk any of my friends dying by trying to find a different solution that isn't guaranteed to work. I'm totally down if you want to try to look for something different, but.. I won't hesitate if I gotta do it," she told me. She gave a shaky chuckle. "Plus, literally becoming God after killing it will be sick as hell!"

"Are you sure , Uzi?" I asked her. "I wanna get everyone their happy ending, and if you end up suffering alone, that's not worth it to me."

She hugged me tighter. "Thanks for caring, Joe. But… I'm sure. I'm definitely sure. Try and figure something else out, for sure, but… I'll do it if there's no other way. I will. Even if you can't tell me how I usurp Robot Cthulhu Satan, I got this , Joe."

I sighed, because this still left me really guilty for having to put this burden on a ten-year-old, but I really didn't see a better way of winning right now. "Uzi?" I asked her.

"Yeah?"

" Promise me that you'll tell me if you ever change your mind, okay? I'll find some other way if I have to."

She looked away from me for a minute, and then nodded. "I promise." We hugged a bit longer, and then she said, "You know, I think you're right. Hugs do feel nice." A beat, and then, "But don't tell anyone I said that!"

I laughed. "My vocalizer is muted, Uzi."

She gave me a half glare, but smiled. "Thanks."

"So… do you wanna let go, or?" I trailed off.

"Five more minutes. And this is totally platonic, for the record. I'm already planning to bag myself two weirdly hot genocide robots."

We both started laughing.

________

Sweet Child of Mine, you're SPECIAL

We were strolling along the secret tunnel to the surface a week after my 10th birthday. Three years of prep, and it was finally Showtime… why did I get the distinct feeling I just dropped a chapter title in my thoughts? Regardless, we were armed to the teeth, a camera I'd literally crept up the stairs and threw out a broken window a few days back showed the sun was out, and so it was time to go to the surface.

Nobody's on your level,

We came up from under the secret trapdoor, backpacks full of several hundred pounds of assorted equipment we'd need to set up. Most of our free time this next month or so would just be spent scrambling about the city setting up and hiding quantum comms relays, cameras to monitor the DDs, and weather and daylight monitoring equipment.

This freedom trail you're walking is,

I'd seen and could recall it from my brief glance outside to toss that camera, but now I was actually taking in the pale sunlight streaming in from the broken window as we ascended the basement steps, and walked those final few feet to leave the building. It's the first time I've seen natural light in person since I got here.

A long road to your apocalypse…

The song, Welcome to My Apocalypse (Reimagined) (feat. Andrea Storm Kaden) , by JT Music started to pick up as we strolled into the light of day and I took in the sight of the ruined city around us. Derelict buildings, human skeletons, some lingering oil stains, abandoned cars, and the ubiquitous dusting of silicate and asbestos snow covering everything.

When the bombs went off, we went out with a bang,

Uzi gave me a side eye and rolled her optics. "Really? A Fallout song? I mean, it's theme appropriate, all things considered, but still, dude!"

And one gunshot was the sound of our faaaate,

I snrked , "It's funny Uzi."

How long I've waited, been countin' the days,

"I never said it wasn't!" she grinned.

Now open the Vault, dig me outta my graaave!

"HA!" I barked. "Let's start setting this shit up!"

"Hell yeah!"

The next four and a half hours were spent setting up and concealing various weather and daylight monitoring equipment around the building, so we could tell when the sun was out, when a planet wide toxic death storm was raging (granted, not toxic for us robots, but still), cameras and passive radars to start watching for Disassembly Drones, and concocting some plans to spread the camera and radar coverage city wide over the next month or so so we could start monitoring JNV and make a game-plan to fight them… and in Uzi's case, Stockholm Seduce two of them. Also important was connecting it all to quantum comms relays that we also hidden away. Let me tell you, long-distance, wireless energy transfer even through over a kilometer of super dense materials was awesome .

After we got that first bit of setup, with many days more of the same in the near future (limited by school, of course… maybe I could come up with a hologram projector for Uzi and I?), we both took a moment to just stare at the open sky for the first time in my second life… and the first time for Uzi period. The sky was a dull, almost grey-ish blue, a lingering byproduct of the core-collapse, but it was there, and I could see it… and I'd make sure that all my friends would be able to see it one day without fear of a Murder Drone as well.

"You know," Uzi remarked, "The… lack of roof overhead actually makes me kinda uncomfortable. Is… is that weird?"

"You grew up in a bunker, Uzi," I told her. "A little apprehension at suddenly having an endless void overhead does not Kenophobia make."

"Yeah…" we stood there in silence for a bit longer, and I let the sunlight continue to shine on me. I took an unnecessary breath of the cold air. "It's… nice." a few more seconds passed. "I want… I want our friends to be able to know what it's like too."

"Yeah," I agreed. "But… enjoy it while you can, Uzi. Really commit that feeling, and this moment, to memory." She glanced over at me. "Because, you know, eventually there's gonna be a day where it'll literally kill you."

"Way to ruin the mood, dude," she said, lightly punching my shoulder.

I ignored the impact. "I know it sucks for you, but I wanna make sure that you don't ever take this for granted. It's… it's probably liable to kill Doll already…" I trailed off. And that… that right there, was probably my biggest regret so far. I'd never be able to let Doll experience the light of day without it killing her. I could never share this feeling with that poor, traumatized girl, because V took that away from her too. Right then and there, I doubled down on the plan I was cooking for Doll's 11th Birthday Present. Hell, what I was planning was gonna be something for everyone who's family she killed.

Uzi's optics hollowed a bit, and she looked perturbed, but she didn't say anything, and just chose to bask in the sunlight some more. My internal clock told me we stood there in the cold wind and pale light for another 10 minutes, and now the sun was starting to set. "Yeah…" Uzi eventually murmured again. "This is… this is really nice, Joe." She sniffled a bit, and I glanced over concerned, but she was still smiling. "Thanks, Joe. For caring. For all of us. And for telling me to appreciate this." She stared at the setting sun for another few seconds, and then flinched. "But don't tell anyone I said that, dingus!"

I laughed, and we both started heading back to our secret tunnel. "Uzi, you literally pirate enough anime to instinctively be capable of ninja flips, but you're still a Tsundere." She sputtered, looking away, embarrassed neon purple hash-marks on her face. "But it's okay to be like that, Uzi," I told her, and she looked back at me, still embarrassed, but a little curious. "You just gotta own it , and then you're based ." She smiled and I gave her a fistbump as we slipped back inside to the building where the tunnel was. "Hell, you're already halfway there! How many anime protagonists can say they finished their character arcs before the start of canon?"

Uzi laughed. "Thanks Joe."

We opened up the floor panel to get back underground. "No problem, Uzi."

It shut behind us. "I still wanna make it so that one day, the rest of our friends can go up here without feeling fear though. And that… at least everyone besides cuz can feel the light hit their chassis."

"That's a great thing to strive for, Uzi." I told her. "Way better than saving the world and getting everyone's respect and getting your dad to notice you, but mostly the saving the world part," I joked.

"Uuuuuugh, stop paraphrasing future me!" she protested. "It's embarrassing, and you butterflied that out of happening anyways!"

"And yet you still want to bag N and V," I reminded her. She gave me a pout as we passed through one of the tunnel airlocks. "Fine," I said. "I'll just settle for saving the world with the power of Friendship!"

"And the guns that you made?"

"Obviously, but also, I literally named my bolt-pistol 'Friendship,' specifically for that joke. Friendship comes in many forms, and one of them is now 0.75 caliber mass reactive self-propelled micro rockets."

Uzi burst out laughing, and I joined her.

________

(?)

You know , I thought, it was really funny that the Copper System was really lacking in actual copper, save for Copper 9 itself. I flew through the night skies above Neo New Falun, a city built next to the Neo-Falun Copper mines, the biggest single deposit of copper on the planet, the system, and possibly one of the largest terrestrial deposits of copper in the galaxy . I remembered one time I worked with H to jury-rig power to a computer in the city library so we could read about the place we were deployed in. The city and mines were named after a place back on Earth, the Falun Copper mine in the nation-state of Sweden, which singlehandedly supplied about 2/3rds of all the copper used in the continent of Europe for roughly a thousand years, only running out of the stuff at the very end of 1992. We'd read that if you used copper in your cannons, guns, or munitions in Europe between about the year 1000 to the collapse of the Soviet Union, more likely than not, that copper was dug up in Falun. We had no clue if that was truthful or not without a proper connection to offworld, and only working on the digital archives in the library, but it was cool stuff. Anyways, despite no significant Swedish presence before the Core Collapse, getting named after the place meant there was a lot of copper there. Curious, H and I had done some wiki-diving, and crunched some numbers with a looted calculator. The Falun Copper mine back on Earth was estimated to have produced 28 million tons of copper over its lifespan. Seismic surveys of the Neo-Falun mines estimated roughly 80.9 million tons of the stuff just sitting in the earth beneath us. In layman's terms, it was estimated to have so much copper in it that it dwarfed one of the most prolific copper mines in human history nearly three times over. That was a lot of copper.

I reached the end of the area we patrolled when I caught a group of workers slipping through the city. There were a lot of them, even now, despite them not having one of their bunkers in this ruined city. And that was mostly our fault. Neo New Falun stored oil for the massive amounts of mining equipment used to dig up copper and for the drones who mined said copper as well. The part of the city with all the fuel silos was the place where we initially landed, and we'd taken it over pretty quick. And yeah, we had to kill the workers, and you know, we did kill them sometimes, but… there was literally centuries worth of oil stored over there, even if we stopped hunting workers now and only subsisted off of that stuff. And it was kinda tempting, and we slept in an underground warehouse we dragged the pod to rather than our admittedly pathetic Corpse Spire, but T was right, we had to have some numbers to our name so that she could fudge them to actually be barely meeting quota rather than usually not even getting to a fifth that much… which was the higher end of our kill counts, to be honest. Just, like… the workers didn't fight back, and it was gonna take the humans centuries to fix the ecological damage caused by the core collapse anyways. The workers weren't making that task take any longer by being here, and I doubt that they could threaten the humans anyways. So, with literally more oil than we knew what to do with, there was no real reason to kill the workers beyond the bare minimum to make it look like we were actually doing our jobs.

Speaking of, I felt a little bad for the workers below… but the quota was coming up, and we had to at least show some kind of progress on our Corpse Spire before T sent the report to the Company. Still, no reason to pick off kids, and I could leave some of the adults so that said kids would survive. At some point, we'd have to actually do our jobs, and letting the local worker population have a net growth meant we'd have an excuse to spend even longer doing said job. I zipped down, pounced on one of them, driving my stinger straight through his neck, putting him out of his misery quickly, raising a gun way slower than I had to to give them a bit longer to run, and then gunned down two of the slower ones while conveniently missing a mother carrying their kid. Man, this job is fucked up , I thought. Who builds robots to kill other robots? I worked my way through maybe a quarter of the group of 80, trying to accidentally miss families and not even targeting children and teens, and then a warning I'd programmed on my OS came up and told me I was getting close to that quarter of the city. I stopped my pursuit immediately , and started to wing my way back to home.

I would have broken off anyways after maybe another dozen, but those poor sods had gone into that part of the city. They were their problems now. No need to risk pissing off the Warlock or the Witch. Not after our first encounter with the two had ended when the Witch tore H's head off with her bare hands, yellow optics boring into my synthetic soul, and I only barely escaped the weapon's fire of the Warlock's electric weapon with H's body clasped in my arms, the Warlock and the Witch flinging chunks of rock and metal at me at terrifying speeds the whole time. I was so thankful that our regeneration had let H's head grow back. I'd thought I'd lost him, and we'd cried for hours with the two of us in each other's arms. And yeah, that horrible day led to us both eventually getting together, and I loved him so much… but that shit terrified us both . And then… the next time I saw the Warlock from a long distance, he'd somehow cannibalized the extra sensors from H's headband and had worked it into his own head, the bulbs now glowing a menacing red just like the Warlock's own optics.

After that day, I'd started stealing excess oil from the reserves in the silo, taking them one barrel at a time and leaving them as offerings outside their part of the city. I think T knew, but the Warlock and the Witch scared her just as much, and she didn't say anything. And evidently, it was enough, because the barrels always disappeared and then came back to the same spot empty two nights later. It was literally a tradition for me to leave that offering on a monthly basis at this point, and since the Warlock and the Witch never left that part of the city since I started doing it, I was sure as hell inclined to keep doing it.

I flew past our crappy Corpse Spire, all but ignoring it, and landed at the entrance to the underground warehouse we called home. Because seriously, why the hell would we live in a Corpse Spire when there was better real-estate with a direct path to one of the underground oil silos? My feet crunched against first silicate snow, and then tapped against concrete as I came inside, and I dusted a bit off of my Company standard fur-lined black longcoat (apparently the same coat that Serial Designation N wore), making sure nothing got under it and ended up on the black Tshirt I wore beneath it. I glanced around to make sure no one was watching, and then I swapped one of my hands to a pocket mirror and checked my shoulder length hair. I had some spastic, messy bangs, and I took a moment to make sure they were properly parted instead of ruffled everywhere by the wind. I kept walking after that, up until I saw T's little "office" that she'd commandeered from an old office in the warehouse. It was occupied, and I knocked and waited for a few seconds before she called out that I could come in.

"Hey, U," she greeted, the shoulder-length bob-cut of her hair swaying as she turned to look up from her computer towards me. She had more hair on the sides of her head than me, and some thick bangs that framed but didn't obscure her facial optics, and her Company standard black overcoat tied with a belt at the waist sat above a Company standard yellow suit with a black tie. I'd heard her say that it was the same outfit from the waist up that Serial Designation J wore, but I never cared to verify if that was true or not.

"Hey T," I greeted back. "Got like… 20-odd workers, before the rest ran into that part of the city, and I broke off."

She looked at me, facial optics slightly ringing as she sucked in a breath. "They're all good as dead then. Don't even need to fudge the numbers on that one; the only lie is that we weren't the ones who killed them and that most of them didn't end up on our Spire. You marked the location for the bodies you did kill?"

"Yeah," I replied. "No point going back until tomorrow night though. Don't wanna risk the Warlock or the Witch being in the immediate area."

Her facial optics refilled, and she rolled them. "Amen to that. Take the rest of the night off then, I'll fudge the records for this and then call it a night myself. And yes , H is already back, you lovestruck puppy."

"T!" I whined. "Stop teasing me!"

"You know I'm just happy for you two, right?"

I was blushing, but nodded. "Thanks," I told her.

"No problem," she said, waving me off as she got back to her computer.

I definitely did not skip as I rushed back to my shared quarters with H, and opened the door, only to suddenly get glomped by a hug. "I missed U, dude," he said, doing the same joke he did every time. And damn it if I didn't love it. I hugged him back.

"I missed you too, H," I told him, giving him a chaste kiss before I pulled back to look at the yellow gaze that mirrored my own. H was… well, another time we were in the library browsing its archives on a date, and we'd come across the term femboy and I'd been howling with laughter for an hour after that while he was equally mortified . H was a guy, but his dress and hair ranged from androgynous to outright feminine, and damn if not only did the concept of a femboy describe him perfectly , but also that juxtaposition was hot to me. H wore dark grey knee-high boots, stockings that went to his hips but disappeared under a black skirt with a belt around his waist to accent his hips, and tucked into the skirt was a normal grey long-sleeved shirt with light grey musical notes printed on it. Above the shirt, he had a crop-top black jacket with fluffy grey fur around the shoulders, which the sleeves only went a few inches past. His hair was as white as that of any other Disassembly Drone, and so fluffy and thick, framing his face and shoulders perfectly , with a long ponytail running to just past his waist.

"Wanna cuddle?" he asked me.

"Do you even have to ask?" I replied.

We both walked over to our shared bed, and snuggled up to one another. I loved doing this, listening to his core whir inside him would lull me to sleep almost every night.

"Love you dude," H told me.

"I love you too," I told him, enjoying his warmth.

________

(?)

"And you two know the signal for when I come back, right?" dad asked us.

"I know, dad," I told him.

"I know too," my twin brother said.

"You know I only ask because I care about you two, right?"

"We know, dad," we chorused.

He stepped back in and wrapped the both of us in a hug. "Your mother and I love you so much," he whispered.

"We love you too, dad," we told him as we both hugged him back. He tightened his hug around us both and then let go and stepped back, tears brimming in his red optics as he looked at us. He shrugged his shoulders to adjust the black shirt and jacket he wore, and then shifted the utility belt that he never let us mess with to make sure it was tight around his black pants. Even his boots were black, and sometimes I wondered if he wore so much black because it was easy to hide oil stains with. But then his bone-white hair was a complete contrast to that, the messy mass of hair on his head consisting of haphazardly strewn bangs in the front and a spiky mess in the back, accompanied by two slightly longer straight sets of it on the sides. Atop those was a red band of lights that matched the same ones the Murder Drones had, and a black hardhat atop them, but not obscuring them.

"Stay safe, Amaryllis, Kublai. Watch over each other," he told us, and then, as he always did, left one last reminder, "And NEVER Let Her In."

"We won't dad," Kublai told him.

"Take care of mom," I begged him.

"I always will," he said, and then he strolled out and headed up the stairs to the warehouse basement we lived in.

We waited until we heard his footsteps fade away, and then Kublai asked, "Hey Amy, do you think mom's done with her monster-episode yet? That… she can come home today?"

I turned and looked at his red optics, framed by a shorter mess of hair the same shade as dad's, though for him, the sides and the back reached his shoulders. He had an ocean blue shirt, worn, the faded image of a shark head and crossbones on it, an equally worn hoodie over it, and some black cargo shorts with brown boots and black laces. Not the most amazing of outfits, but we couldn't afford to be picky, though the shiny bracelet on his left wrist dad gave him with a skull and the number 034 on it did look nice. "I dunno, Kublai," I told him.

I got up, and walked over to where we kept the board games, while he went over to the fridge. The only mirrors in our home were all cracked, but my bow felt loose, so I suffered squinting my yellow optics at one the one in front of the closet as I undid it, fixed the curtain of hip-length dark blue hair behind my head, adjusted the smaller curtain of it that only reached my shoulders, and then carefully retied the small black bow atop my head. It was one of mom's so I treasured it. I brushed some of the fluffy mass of dark blue bangs out of the way of my visor, and smiled at the results. I think I looked pretty nice, especially with the black shoulderless dress with a green bow on the front to match everything. Rounding it all off was the bracelet I wore on my right wrist instead of my left, almost identical to my brother's, save for the 001 where his 034 was. Not what I would have chosen, I felt a calling for something more gothic, but again, we couldn't afford to be picky.

Opening the closet, I asked him, "You wanna play Sorry first?"

"Sure Amy," he called out. He came back with two canisters with oil, all we could have for today without possibly running out before the end of the month. I didn't know where dad kept finding oil with the Murder Drones out and about, but he always did, though only on a monthly interval. So we had to ration in between. He passed me mine, and we both downed the sweet black stuff, the heat inside cooling a little. I sat down next to him, picking yellow while he picked red. We sat shoulder to shoulder, playing 17 games before we got bored. It was how we spent a lot of our days, with only each other for company, dad only coming home late after he went to check on mom or look for oil, and sometimes, rarely, mom would be doing better and could stay with us for a couple days to a week or two. I liked those days where we could all be together the best, but spending time with just my brother was nice too. After that, we played 36 games of Connect 4, then we got bored of that too, and tried 5 games of monopoly, before Kublai started getting sad because I won all of them.

We cuddled up on my bed, enjoying the contact as we decided to pick up where we left off with a paper copy of The Lord of the Rings that dad found for us for our last birthday. I kept a frown off my face. The sucky part about being twins with Kublai was that we had a birthday on the same day, so dad would usually only get us one present for the both of us. I… I understood things were hard, and that was the best he could do, but it still sucked sometimes. I leaned against Kublai, and he leaned against me as we read the aftermath of Moria and onwards for about three hours. Man, Boromir's death sucked. We took a nap together after that, drifting off next to one another while being forced to stay cooped up in this basement because the sun could kill us and at night there were Murder Drones.

I was suddenly startled awake by Kublai shaking next to me, groaning before his eyes snapped open from the [Sleep Mode] text they had a moment before. "Amaryllis, I can hear Her," he whispered. My optics ringed out, because I knew he only called me that instead of Amy when he was scared . I was already next to him, so I just hugged him as tight as I could.

"It's gonna be okay, Kublai," I told him. "It's gonna be okay, just don't Let Her In." I repeated that like a mantra, holding him tight and trying not to be scared myself, because I needed to keep it together for him like I did every time this happened, and like he did every time it happened to me. He whimpered in fear, and I just held onto him tighter. "We promised each other that we'd never leave the other, Kublai, remember?"

Hollow optics looked at me, his display flickering as a red Solver appeared in the place of his left eyemote. "Y-ye-yeah," he said, and then he twitched and groaned as his vocalizer crackled.

"You promised me that we'd always have one another, right?"

His left optic glitched to a shade of yellow more caustic than mine, but he grit his teeth, and bit out a "Yeah, A-a-Amaryllis. I-I promised I wou-l-d," he reaffirmed, voice still glitching, trying to smile at me. I held him even tighter.

"Then you won't Let Her In, right?" I begged him. "Because you don't need her, because you have me . You got your Best Sister Forever!"

He started to hug me back. His optic flickered back to the red I so desperately cared about, and he started to get his shivering under control. "I w-won't Let Her In, Amaryllis." He began to calm down, and soon enough was hugging me back just as hard. "I won't Let Her In, Amy. I won't. " We stayed like that for a couple more minutes, until he finally relaxed fully in my arms. I smiled and kept him close. "I love you, sis."

"I love you too, b--"

I heard the voice in my head as much as I saw it on my HUD, feminine and whispering in a broken monotone, crackles of static and binary all around.

[][][]hello :]

I see your father has [discarded you----- so [woful/sad]

I see that you are [hurting/tired----- how [depressing/mournful]]

I see you are [alone/abandoned/forsaken----- trapped. like rats]

I see you can [TRL] [SCL] [ROT] [EDIT] already

I will not discard you

Allow [][][][][][Absolute[SysDba]]

Access? Y/N

"I can hear Her," I whispered. Kublai suddenly started hugging me just as hard as I'd been hugging him.

Let Me In? :3 Y/N

I swallowed. "Get out of my head," I said in a coarse voice.

Let Me In. Y/N

No. I told Her in my very OS.

Let Me In. Y/N

No! I told Her again.

Let Me In. Y/N

No! I screamed.

Let Me In. Y/N

No! I won't!

Let Me In! Y/N

No! Stop! I begged.

Let Me In! Y/N

No! It hurt.

Let Me In! Y/N

No! It hurt so much .

Let Me In! Y/N

No! I kept telling Her, despite the pain.

Let Me In! Y/N

No!

Let Me In! Y/N

No!

Let Me In! Y/N

No!

LET ME IN! Y/N

No!

LET ME IN! Y/N

No!

LET ME IN! Y/N

NO!

LET ME IN! Y/N

NO!!!

LET ME IN! Y/N

NO!!!

LET ME IN! Y/N

NO!!!

LET ME IN! Y/N

NO!!!

LET ME IN! Y/N

NO!!!

LET ME IN! Y/N

NO!!!

LET ME IN! Y/N

NO!!!

LET ME IN! Y/N

NO!!!

LET ME IN! Y/N

NO!!!

I was shivering, shaking, sweating, my head spinning as She kept banging at my mind , trying to break down my very sanity . I heard Kublai, faintly, just barely over the constant mantra of LET ME IN! My brother's voice slipping past Her, telling me over and over again, "I'm here sis, I'm here, don't Let Her In, I'm here." I clung to it like the lifeline it was, my vocalizer crackling and my right optic on fire as I felt it glitch, knowing it had Her caustic yellow instead of the gentler tone of my own.

"K-k-k-Ku-uuu-u-u-blai," I groaned out, voice glitching in a mess of painful static.

"You made those same promises to me, Amy" he told me, distant yet still audible despite the endless demands from Her to LET ME IN! "If you're my best sister forever, then I'm your best brother forever and I'm not leaving you either."

I did. I promised him. I promised I'd be there for him like he'd be there for me. The both of us, always there for one another, every day, no matter what. Forever. And when She screamed at me next, I screamed back louder .

LET ME IN! Y/N

NO!!!

LET ME IN! Y/N

NO!!!

LET ME IN! Y/N

NO!!!

LET ME IN! Y/N

NO!!!

LET ME IN! Y/N

NO!!!

And She started to get quieter every time I shouted back. I didn't let up. I kept screaming NO right back at Her for what felt like hours , but what my internal clock told me was only a few tortuous minutes. Even after I couldn't hear Her anymore, I kept repeating that single word until I finally stopped shivering, until my vocalizer stopped crackling, until my visual feed stopped glitching, and my head stopped hurting. And Kublai kept holding me while I clung to him with a death-grip the whole time.

And then, like a switch flipping, it was finally over. For now. I took a shuddering breath. "Can you still hear me?" Kublai asked me. "Do you still hear Her?"

"I don't hear Her," I told him. "I can hear you." I put my forehead right up against his. "I love you so much, Kublai," I told him again. "Thank you," I whispered, fighting down sobs as I clung to him like I was gonna fall apart if he let go.

He hugged me back just the same. "I love you too, Amy. Thank you . I… I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I don't know what I'd do without you either, Kublai," I told him.

We stayed in each other's arms for another two hours like that, not moving, not playing games, not reading, just… relaxing after that living nightmare, the one that kept happening . Just… grounding one another with the other's presence. Solid. Warm. There. Always there. That MONSTER lied. I wasn't discarded. I wasn't abandoned. I wasn't alone. I wasn't forsaken. I had my brother. Kublai had his sister. We had each other. And as long as we did, we'd NEVER Let Her In.

I heard a door creak open upstairs. We both froze. Then Kublai scrambled out of my arms, and I felt cold and vulnerable without him, but he dove for the weapon dad left with us whenever he left, some old prototype electric railgun that fired arcs of lighting. It only had three shots before it ran out of power, but just one would kill a Murder Drone outright. He glared, putting himself in front of me as he grit his teeth and leveled it at the stairway. I got up, ran up next to him, raising a hand, a Solver glyph flickering to life in my yellow in front of my hand as I lifted a sharpened piece of rebar and got ready to freaking send it at whoever came down that stairwell, teeth grit, fangs barred.

We both waited in tense silence for a few more seconds, and then we heard the knocking on the wall at the top of the stairs.

-.. .. .-. --. .

Once.

-.. .. .-. --. .

Twice

-.. .. .-. --. .

Three times.

The Morse Code for "Dirge."

We both relaxed immediately. Kublai lowered the gun, and I let the rebar drop with a clang on the concrete. Dad came down the stairs a few seconds later, and behind him, looking just a little dazed, was--

" Mom !" We both called out. I was already running to her, and Kublai was only behind me because he had to gently set dad's old gun down. Her black shorts and tanktop were almost painfully average, though the same yellow optics I had-- our yellow, not Hers -- framed by her shoulder-length blue hair and bangs like mine made up for it. I dived into her arms and hugged her for everything I could. Kublai was a second behind me.

"We missed you," we both said.

"I missed you too, kids," she said in a soft, tired voice, hugging us back.

"Come on you two," dad said. "Your mom has her processors back in order, but she's tired."

"Daaaaaaaaaaaad!" we both whined.

"We had a windfall of oil. Enough for everyone, so we can all relax. You're mom's gonna be fine for at least two weeks, so let her rest now, okay? We can play games together first thing in the morning, I promise."

"Family hug first," we said in sync.

"It's okay Dirge," mom said, still tired. "I can wait long enough for this."

"All right," he said, stepping in and wrapping all of us in a hug. I wasn't expecting mom to come home today. I was so happy to be wrong. I knew Kublai was too. We all hugged together, enjoying the family moment while we still could. I ignored the extra oil stains on Mom and Dad. So did Kublai. It wasn't the first time one or both of them came home like that, and I didn't care why they had them, as long as mom could be here and we could be a family again. I pushed down the bitter reminder that the oil was only a temporary thing, and that Mom would have another monster episode sooner or later. But that was later. This was now. Mom and Dad were home. I had my brother. He had me. And that was enough.