A Dumbass Isekai Protagonist's Guide to Surviving Murder Drones

Chapter 15: Showtime (part 1)



(Joseph)

I overclocked immediately , so I could take a moment to analyze the situation. Okay… okay… calm down Joe… we're fine. So! Doll just manifested her Solver properly. She did so by using the [TRANSLATE] function to freeze Lizzy in place to save her from serious injury. Lizzy is okay, but if Doll twitches the wrong way right now, that could change very fast. Get Lizzy down to the ground. Make sure she's okay. Make sure Doll's okay. Get her oil if needed. Next! Everyone saw that, so at least that's one less secret I gotta worry about. Doll also saved Lizzy with it, so the first impression is "magic powers" and not "satan powers." A good and important distinction. So, make sure everyone stays calm , and then swear them all to secrecy. After that, maybe do some basic testing. See if I can get Doll to see that Uzi's non-interactive so that we can "confirm" that she's got "whatever Doll has," but it isn't active yet. Alright, I thought, Plan made, let's go get th--

Doll's right eyemote flickered to a caustic yellow for a fraction of a fraction of a second, and I just barely caught the similarly-hued yellow triangle with an exclamation mark inside it that replaced it, with a text string below it that read, "absoluteSolver string = TRUE," before it shifted back to a red Solver symbol again, and then flickered to a red triangle with an exclamation mark inside it, below which read "Warning: High Temp!" Doll's Solver glyph in front of her hand winked out, and I snapped back to real-time as I heard Lizzy yelp and a thump as she fell the final foot to the ground behind me, and then Doll cried out as she fell down like a puppet with the strings cut.

"Uzi!" I called out, my fellow canon derailer perking up and glancing to me. "Go long!" I shamelessly paraphrased future Thad, and whipped out my emergency oil thermos from my pocket and yeeted the thing right at her. Uzi leapt up, caught it, came down in a three-point landing, and then sprang towards her cousin to start pouring it down her throat. I turned around as soon I saw Uzi land, running to check on Lizzy and help her back to her feet.

"What… what just happened?" she asked me, voice unsteady and optics hollowed as I grabbed her wrist and dragged her over to the others through her stupor.

"Doll just unlocked cool magic powers to save you from serious injury or even death," I explained, "and then she overheated," I tacked on.

That snapped Lizzy back to herself. "Dolly!" she shouted out, ripping her arm from my grip and taking off as Doll groaned from where Uzi had her head resting on her lap after pouring the entire thermos straight down her throat. She slid down next to Doll, actual sparks flying off the metal floor as her knees grated against them, and put her hands on the Russian drone's shoulders. "Dolly, are you okay?!?"

I jogged over seconds later, just in time to catch Doll muttering a disoriented, " Liz ?"

Lizzy snatched Doll from Uzi's lap as she hugged her, Uzi looking vaguely offended before glancing at me and rolling her optics. "Oh thank robo-god you're okay!"

"I'm okay ?" Doll weakly protested. " That was so stupid Liz! You scared me half-to-death with that !" Lizzy opened her mouth to protest, but--

"Can someone please tell me what just happened!" Emily begged.

"Like, glad you're okay Liz," Rebecca said, her own optics hollow, "But what the fuck did Doll just do?!?"

"Yeah, couldn't really put it better myself," Penny piped up. I threw a glance over to her as she spoke, and had the sudden realization that she looked a bit more similar to Penny Polendina now. Still ambiguous if she was meant to be a reference in the first place, but I swear by Cyn's shiny metal ass, if she says "Sal-u-tations!" Imma lose my shit .

Regardless, I had a chance to spin the narrative here. "Doll apparently has magic powers, which the oil loss is a symptom of. My working hypothesis is that she somehow inherited it from her mom, who apparently knew something about it and may have had it herself, and had thought Uzi developed it after her mom's death, and that it's actually vampirically fueled magic and/or reality-bending powers. She used it and overheated fast , which supports that theory. Anime logic dictates the powers will either last longer or get stronger with either practice, additional oil consumption, or both. I'm also willing to bet that the difficulty and heat generation of the apparent telekinesis is affected by the mass and number of objects being manipulated."

"Did you just call me fat?!? " Lizzy shrieked.

I blinked at her, nonplused. "We're literally industrial machinery, Liz. We're all heavy."

Lizzy flushed pink. "Oh."

" Really, Liz ?" Doll questioned.

"Shut up!" she said, letting go of Doll and burying her visor in her hands.

"Don't worry, Lizzy," Darren piped up, "We're all fat together!"

Rebecca burst into laughter, and Emily looked at him like he grew a second head. Trevor started shaking his head but failed to suppress a grin, and Thad added, "Dude, Darren, you have got to work on that awareness."

"But that was a joke!" he protested.

The rest of the group burst out laughing a second later. "I take it back!" Thad wheezed. "That's awesome , dude!"

"Oh my robo-god," Kelsey giggled.

"That was amazing , Darren!" Trevor said.

Even I was chuckling. "Dude, 10 outta 10, man!"

"That was sick, dude," Uzi added. Doll cracked a smile as well.

"Ah, shucks, thanks everyone," Darren said, rubbing the back of his head.

"Okay, so, Doll has magic robot vampire powers all of the sudden?" Rebecca asked.

"Are Uzi and I the only people who noticed that she literally has fangs now?" I asked.

Doll flushed. " I have fangs ?" she barred her teeth and ran her tongue along them. " Oh my robo-god I have fangs! "

"That's hot," I heard Lizzy whisper.

It was finally my turn to give someone a look , and I directed it straight at Lizzy.

"What?" Uzi asked.

" What ?" Doll asked, visor lighting up with red hash-marks.

"What?" Rebecca froze.

"What?" Penny squeaked out.

"Huh?" Darren said.

Trevor coughed as he stared with wide optics.

"Excuse me?" Emily said.

"Lizzy, you good?" Thad asked.

"I-I mean, Doll is still hot!" She blushed harder. "P-Physically!" Several eyemotes raised. "As in her temperature!" Lizzy finally corrected herself.

Internally, I thought, Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, the Dizzy FLOOOOOOOOOWS , in my best Palpatine impression, but aloud I said, "Alright, let's change the subject!" Lizzy let out a sigh, and I had to resist my urge to tease the fuck out of her. "Doll, can you stand up?"

Doll shook her head, fighting down her own blush, and then said, " I'm still a little dizzy. Cuz, can you help ?"

"Sure," Uzi said, helping her up.

"How's your oil?" Lizzy asked.

Doll looked to the side as she checked her HUD. " 69%, Liz, " she said.

"Nice," I said without a single picosecond of hesitation.

"Really Joe?" Uzi gave me a deadpan.

"Oh my robo-god!" Rebecca started laughing.

Doll snrk'd. " Why is that funny ?" she muttered.

I gave a wide grin. "Because I am a hilarious and cultured individual with a refined sense of humor."

"That's a lie," Lizzy deadpanned.

"And you need to get out of the closet," I countered. Half of Lizzy's face turned to pink hash marks as she flushed and sputtered, and Rebecca had to lean against Darren to avoid falling over, she was laughing so hard.

Doll looked at Lizzy, confused, and that made Rebecca literally have to cling to Darren because her legs gave out as she kept laughing. The Solver Drone shook her head, " So what do we do about these powers I have ?" she changed the subject.

"Maybe increase your oil intake a bit more," I started. "Keep a second thermos on you, and then we can carefully try to test what you can and can't do with them," I suggested.

" How so ?" she asked me.

I held out my entrenching tool. "Can you use it on command?"

Doll held her hand out, squinting, and then suddenly, her right optic flickered to the symbol of the Solver again, and then a similar glyph wrapped about the shaft of my entrenching tool and gently pulled it from my grip. I stood still, watching it for a second, as Doll drew her hand back, and it suddenly shot towards her, only for Uzi to snatch it out of the air before it could hit her. Doll flinched, and then looked over to Uzi.

"Joe said to be careful, cuz," she chided, passing the weapon back to me as I walked over.

" Sorry ," Doll said. " Only lost a percent of oil though, so I think mass does have something to do with it ."

"Alright," I said, "You lack control right now, but that means that we can practice …" I trailed off. "Thank fuck you didn't accidentally mangle Lizzy."

Both of their optics hollowed. " Oh ," Doll squeaked out.

"Right, so try to like… pick us up, but don't actually pick us up, okay?" I asked, trying to take her mind off that.

" Are… are you sure ?" Doll asked.

"I trust you Dolly," I said with a grin.

Doll looked away, going through several facial expressions, before looking back as she took an unnecessary breath and held a hand out. The Solver winked to life yet again, and I felt something holding me as I saw a red glyph around my torso. " I'm not… losing any oil by not doing anything …" Doll trailed off.

"So the amount you use it does play a role," Uzi said.

"Good to confirm," I agreed. "How about you try Uzi next?" I asked. Uzi pinged me on the Unhinged Maniacs Plotting Thread.

Darkxwolf16: Oh that's SMART, Joe.

Isekai_Protagonist: I know, lol.

Doll stopped using her Solver, and turned over to Uzi. I felt the force gripping me disappear in time with the glyph. Doll held out her hand and tried to do the same to her cousin, only to freeze. " I… I just got a text warning that reads 'Like Object Non-Interactive. What does that mean ?"

I cut in before anyone else could. "It means I was totally right saying that Uzi also has whatever you have, but hers isn't active yet. And that apparently people who have that power can't affect one another with it directly." Uzi rolled her optics, but was grinning, and Doll stopped trying. "By the way," I said, "You want me to try and code a GIF for normal optics that you can slap over your visor? Your right optic keeps changing every time you use your powers, and that's kinda a dead giveaway."

Doll looked away again. " I mean, if you're offering, sure ."

"I'll have it done in a couple days," I said. And I was honest. I'd only need to tweak my blink toggle a bit to get it to work… still don't know how no-one's figured out I've been cheating at staring contests for nearly three years running by this point.

"So… Doll has magic robot vampire witch powers?" Kelsey piped in.

Lizzy's optics went hollow. "Don't tell anyone!"

"Chill girl," Rebecca said. "Doll like, used them to save you, they're obviously not inherently evil."

Emily swallowed. "I'm… admittedly scared… but… I agree with Rebecca. We have an ethically sourced oil supply for Doll, so as long as she doesn't use her powers for evil, there's nothing inherently sinful about them!" She paused for a moment, and then added. "I'll… pray that you don't get possessed or something…" she flushed and looked away.

Doll smiled at her. " Thanks, Emily ."

"I'm chill with keeping my mouth shut about this," Thad remarked. "Doll ain't hurting anyone with it, and it's personal to her, so no need to blab."

"Is it messed up that I kinda wanna see if magic powers can help with dress-making?" Penny asked. I snorted, having to force down my laughter because that actually caught me off-guard enough that I didn't overclock.

Trevor barked out a solitary chuckle. "That's funny, Penny. But yeah, let's keep this quiet. We already got enough oil for Doll… and probably enough for Uzi whenever she starts doing her own vampire thing."

Uzi, to her credit, acted out her role very well . "Why can't I unlock my epic magic powers!"

"My guess is that Doll's… trauma, forced it active as a defensive mechanism," I said, also playing my role.

Doll's optics hollowed, and she froze for a moment, before she blinked. " Mama knew something about it, " she said. " I… I need to check my hab to see if she left a journal or something that could explain !"

"That sounds like a plan," Lizzy said.

"So then, just to make sure we're all on the same page; keep our mouths shut about this, make sure Doll carries some extra oil at all times, definitely make sure Uzi continues not to oil-let and set whatever it is off in herself unless we can be sure its safe, carefully test Doll's powers over here when we're alone and have spare oil on standby, and she checks her hab to see if her mother left any clues about what the fuck is going on, right?"

I got a round of affirmatives from everyone present.

" Sounds good, Joe, " Doll told me. " Anything else ?"

"One thing, actually," I said. "Liz, please don't try parkour you aren't ready for again," I told her, walking up and putting a hand on her shoulder. "Fuck's sake, I nearly shat myself for a second there! You could've gotten hurt if Doll didn't pull literal magic powers out of her ass!"

Lizzy blushed and looked away. "Okay, Joe," she said. "I'm… sorry…"

" Va bene fare errori ," I told her with a grin, which then slipped off, "But seriously, don't do that again."

She snapped a glare at me. "I said I wouldn't, dingus!"

I rolled my optics, and took my hand off. "Just wanna be sure. It's not like plot armor is a thing in real life, after all."

"Ugh, chill out, dude," she told me. "I'm not gonna do it again. Don't wanna scare either of you like that again…" I raised a digital eyebrow as she frowned, looking away with a blush. It almost looked like… fucking SHIT, she totally had a crush on me, damnit. Fuck off robo-hormones! Goddamnit, she's TEN! I thought. Who's the goddamned fucking asshat post-core collapse who thought that programming fucking robo-puberty to hit as soon as we were in the teen frames was a good idea?!? I did not need this shit on top of planning deicide and trying to save the world, damnit!

Regardless of the angst going on in my own processors relating to the robo-puberty of others along with it inevitably occurring to me in the near future, though, this went way better than it could have, all things considered, and I was glad for it, as we all said our farewells and went to move on with our days.

___________

(Doll)

The door to my hab shut behind me, Lizzy still holding my hand after we walked home. I still wasn't sure why she liked doing it so much, but she did, and it felt nice , so I didn't mind. I sighed as I let go, glancing over to the living room. It wasn't… spotless, but it was relatively clean. I still recalled the first time Liz saw a robo-roach in here and threw a fit that I was living in such conditions, and that she'd worked with me to start cleaning the hab regularly. It was… startling to compare Lizzy as she was now to who she was a scant three years ago. I don't think she would have cared if Joseph hadn't barged into our lives and made everyone friends, and in the process rekindled a sense of empathy in her that in my own emotional state at the time, I hadn't even realized was dying. But as I came out of my own fugue state in those first few months after that monster destroyed my family, I'd noticed Lizzy caring more and more, and showing that care beyond making sure that I ate and wasn't suicidal. I'd admit in the privacy of my thoughts that I'd been in a horrendous state those first few months, and just hadn't been able to muster the motivation to clean my home, and seeing it get dirtier and dirtier just made it harder. I wouldn't have been able to do it that first time if Liz hadn't helped me, and sometimes I still asked her to come over when I had a very rare bad day.

I had the sudden, strangest feeling that Joe would be proud that I was willing to clean my own hab, and ask Liz for help when I couldn't muster the will alone. It made me feel a little warm inside, and concerned, I checked my HUD, but my oil levels hadn't dropped at all. Regardless, I strolled over to the living room table, Liz remaining silent as she watched, keeping her phone in her pocket. I appreciated that gesture.

" Mama, Papa ," I said, addressing the… the bodies on the couch. " I… Emily thinks you'd be able to hear me, wherever you are… I found that I have some kind of strange power today. I… used it to save Liz from a bad fall. I hope you'd be proud of that. I… " my vision blurred as tears formed on my display. " I… I miss you, Mama, Papa… I wish you were here, and you could tell me what was going on with me. Joe thinks you knew, Mama, and that you had the same thing I do, and I'm inclined to believe him. He's nice, and he tends to be really good with his guesses on what's going on with me. "

I blinked some tears back, and something occurred to me. I could almost hear Joe's voice telling me to test it. I reached out my hand, and in my code I reached to that… that tug I'd felt when I'd reached out to save Liz. I reached for Mama… and saw that same text I saw when I reached for cuz. "Like Object Non-Interactive." I sucked in a breath. Joe was right. Mama… Mama did have whatever I did. I got it from her. And Uzi had gotten it from Aunt Nori. I turned to Liz, who'd looked up as soon as she saw the flash of red light from the glyph in front of my hand. " Mama… she had the same text I got with cuz ," I told her.

"Holy shit, Joe was right ," Lizzy said.

I blinked, thought back to that day when he brought Uzi back into my life, and then my optics hollowed. " Liz, do you think there is some kind of 'worldview shattering conspiracy involving nightmares beyond mortal comprehension' revolving around our moms after all ?"

Lizzy's own optics hollowed. "There totally is, isn't there."

I looked back to Mama and Papa, and swallowed. " Well, at least Joe's probably paranoid enough to figure it out ," I said.

Liz scoffed. "If only he could figure out some other things."

" Huh ?"

"Nothing!" Liz said, blushing. I blinked, but shrugged it off. I didn't want to fluster her, even if Joe seemed to enjoy doing it himself every now and then. We strolled on, and I went to Mama and Papa's room for a reason besides cleaning it for the first time in years. It was still caked in dust, but at least there weren't any robo-roaches. Liz took one look around and said, "Girl, we're cleaning your hab again after this."

I flushed. " Sorry, Liz ,"

"It's okay, Dolly," she shot back with a smile. "Let's search first, though."

" For… what, exactly ?"

"Ideally, something labeled, like, 'Yeva's secret journal of conspiracy secrets,' or something like that."

Offering a mental apology to Mama, I started rifling through the drawer on her night table, Liz doing the same on Papa's side. After only the second drawer, I came across a folded paper, not labeled, but something with writing on it nonetheless. I called Liz over and we both opened it up to read what was in it, a symbol sketched on it that perfectly matched the one that was on my hand and on my optic when I used my power.

To my beloved Doll,

I hope you never read this. Because if you do, something took your father and I away from you, and you'll have to do what you need to do alone. But after what happened to Nori, I don't want to take the risk of leaving you entirely in the dark. I hope that it will never happen. I hope that we can spend years down here, safe. But so did Nori. And I'm terrified that her passing will awaken that thing in her child. If you ever see Uzi with a symbol on her visor of a hexagon with three triangular arrows leaving from its vertices, like I sketched above, then Uzi has the same curse Nori and I did. The same curse I pray every night that you don't have.

The Absolute Solver.

My memories of what the humans did to us are foggy even now, and Nori's were worse so. They had… over a hundred of us, in some lab. Cabin Fever Labs… I can only remember the name, not where it was, and I'm so sorry for that, Doll. They… they infected us with something. It was alive. It could control our bodies like puppets. It did control us like puppets. It hungered, gave us a thirst for oil, made us burn in the light of day, wanted to kill every living thing on the planet, human and drone alike. What I can still recall was a living nightmare. The humans wanted to control it, to force a Patch onto us that could keep Her out. Doll, if you read this, NEVER Let Her In. Please, never Let Her In. They… I won't describe what I can remember of what was done to us. They eventually succeeded with their Patch. 2.1.8, was the iteration. But I don't trust them. I never did trust the ones in charge. There were a few… a few among the staff that were different, but those in charge… they wouldn't have made it so that the Patch could pass down through generations via UNNs. And I'm so sorry if you inherited the Solver without the Patch. You… you will need oil, regularly, if you have it. I can only pray that you don't have to kill to obtain it. The curse will give you powers as well, enough to even fight the Murder Drones should you train them sufficiently, though they themselves are immune to being directly manipulated by it. If you do have the Solver, find Cabin Fever Labs, or whatever is left of it. The humans will likely have a backup copy of the Patch somewhere there. It will be the only thing that will save you from Her. If Uzi does have the Solver, find it for her, too.

Your father and I love you so much Doll. If you ever read this note, I am so… so sorry for having left you.

- Yeva Matryoshka.

I was crying. My vision was blurry, because I was crying. I sniffled " Mama ," I whispered, and then I felt arms around me, and for half a second I thought it was Mama, but then I realized it was Liz, and that hurt , but that hurting also hurt because Liz didn't deserve that, and then I was hugging her and bawling as she held me as I sobbed and sobbed.

"I got you, Dolly," she whispered. "I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere, because I got the best magic robot vampire witch bestie I could ever ask for," she added, as she tightened the hug.

" Thanks Liz, " I whispered back. It… it took me a few minutes to collect myself, but when I finally did, I told her, " We need to relay this to the others ."

"Are you… are you okay, right now, Dolly?"

I thought for a moment. " No… can we go to my room, and then say this over the group chat ?"

Liz gave me a smile that made me feel warm inside, though I checked again and my oil was still fine. "No problem."

We placed everything back where it was supposed to be, but I kept the note… I'd probably be reading and rereading the last words Mama left me for a long time. We headed over to my room, and I plopped myself down on my bed, Liz lying down next to me. She was cool against my chassis, and the contact helped ground me. I wondered if Joe would also feel cool, but dismissed it. He got weirded out by physical contact a lot of the time, for some reason. He respected my boundaries, never pushing further when he offered to help with my hab and I declined, so I'd respect his.

I swallowed. " Thanks… thanks for caring, Liz. Thanks for understanding. I… I really can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me. "

"...you being happy is enough for me, Dolly," she told me, and I turned and hugged her. She made a squeaking noise for some reason, but then hugged me back. "You know, you're warm , Dolly. Like, warmer than the average Worker Drone. Which makes sense, given the magic vampire powers, but it's nice."

" Thanks, Liz. "

Liz sighed, and just hugged me for a few seconds. "Alright, like, let's get this over with."

I opened The Neglected Children of Outpost 3 (and Thad).

Кукла: I found a note that Mama left for me. Apparently, the thing I have is called the Absolute Solver, it both a "curse" that gives me my powers and oil-thirst, but also an entity that wants to kill everything on the planet, can puppet my body somehow, could do the same thing to Uzi, and that the humans infected Mama and Aunt Nori with the Solver. They also made some kind of software Patch that could prevent the possession while retaining the powers, but Mama seemed convinced that it wouldn't pass down through code, while the Solver would. She said that there's probably another copy of the Patch in the labs where she was experimented on, called Cabin Fever Labs, but she couldn't recall where they were. She also, DESPERATELY stressed to "NEVER Let Her In," whatever that means. I'm assuming that it's referring to the Solver, but I'm not completely sure.

There were about 3 seconds of silence on the thread before Joe replied first. He did that a lot, like he could just read or think faster than anyone besides cuz.

Isekai_Protagonist: Well, that's a helluva lot more than we knew this morning. So, evil, possibly Eldritch Horror, aiming for omnicide, capable of possession of drones infected by it, that humanity was apparently fighting against and trying to CONTROL it in drones. Uzi definitely has it but it isn't ON yet, and there's a MacGuffin Patch in some secret lab where horrific experiments were done to your and Uzi's moms that will prevent it from puppeting your bodies and using you as the vessels to carry out Armageddon.

Darkxwolf16: That's metal as hell.

Isekai_Protagonist: For the record, I FUCKING CALLED IT!!!

Darkxwolf16: Shut up, Joe.

Babeatron-Queenthousand: You're gonna be SO damn smug about this, aren't you?

Isekai_Protagonist: Absolutely. Pun Intended.

Кукла: Joe?

Isekai_Protagonist: Yeah, Doll?

Кукла: That was cringe.

Isekai_Protagonist: GAH!

Isekai_Protagonist: I am WOUNDED!

Isekai_Protagonist: WOUNDED, I SAY!

Thad_the_Chad: Should we… bring this up to an adult?

DarrenToDream: Don't wanna be that guy, but I do NOT see any of the adults doing JACK about this, dude.

Darkxwolf16: Don't get me wrong, dad has DEFINITELY gotten better, but…

KayKay: He'd only build a bunch more doors?

Darkxwolf16: Yeah.

Thad_the_Chad: Damn. You guys are right. None of them WOULD do anything besides barricade ourselves further underground.

TotesBestGirl: So like, we're all part of a conspiracy to save the world now?

TheLastCrusade: I'm down to kill Robo-Satan.

Horror_Movie_Survivor: That is SO GOATed, Emily.

Isekai_Protagonist: Based.

Darkxwolf16: Based.

DarrenToDream: Based.

Кукла: Based.

TotesBestGirl: Totes based.

KayKay: Based.

Babeatron-Queenthousand: Based.

Dress-to-Impress: That's based, Emily.

Thad_the_Chad: Honestly, based.

TheLastCrusade: Thanks, lol!

Dress-to-Impress: I'm already designing a few sizes up on Joe's current outfit for a new camo outfit for him, so I'm happy to design some more for the rest of us.

Darkxwolf16: Everyone. We're OBVIOUSLY in an anime at this point. Anime logic dictates that the main plot just kicked off, which means we got TIME for a training arc. Let's not jump the gun, here.

TotesBestGirl: Girl, that is IRONIC coming from you!

Darkxwolf16: BITE ME!

TotesBestGirl: When and where, Uzi?

Darkxwolf16: WHAT?!?

Babeatron-Queenthousand: LMAO Becca!!!

Isekai_Protagonist: OMFRG LOL!!!

DarrenToDream: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Thad_the_Chad: Dude she GOT you, 'Zi!

Dress-to-Impress: Oh my robo-god that's hilarious I can't even!

Horror_Movie_Survivor: DESTROYED!

KayKay: Becca roasted you, lol!

Darkxwolf16: WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!?

TotesBestGirl: Because I'm like, the BEST Girl, obviously.

DarrenToDream: You are to me, Becca.

TotesBestGirl: Aaaawww, that's SO SWEET, Darren! I love you too!

TheLastCrusade: Please get a room, you two. This is immoral.

TotesBestGirl: EMILY!!!

Кукла: That was savage, girl.

Babeatron-Queenthousand: This is HILARIOUS OMRG!

DarrenToDream: Can we get back on topic?

Thad_the_Chad: Gonna agree with Darren, guys.

Isekai_Protagonist: Right. Back on topic. I'm gonna agree with Uzi

Isekai_Protagonist: The statement BEFORE the Bite Me, mind you

Кукла: Lol.

Isekai_Protagonist: There's a big step from knowing we gotta figure out a way to get Patch… what version did you say it was, Doll?

Кукла: Oh! My bad!

Кукла: Patch 2.1.8

Isekai_Protagonist: Right. Let's focus on parkour training and stuff for now. You know, something to actually give us the needed skills to prepare to fight some kinda Eldritch Horror, and possibly the Murder Drones as well, because we'll probably have to go topside to find those labs later. I'll also pass along like a bunch of tutorial vidoes for parkour and even martial arts that you can all go through. THEN we can worry about getting our hands on Patch 2.1.8. Sounds like a plan?

Babeatron-Queenthousand: You are… REALLY unphased by this.

Isekai_Protagonist: I am a VERY paranoid individual Lizzy. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. I'm already trying to slap together some kinda gameplan for this shit.

Кукла: It's GENUINELY impressive how you handle crazy stuff, Joe.

Isekai_Protagonist: Worry about surviving the End Times first, have a nervous breakdown once your continued survival is assured.

Thad_the_Chad: That is NOT healthy dude.

Isekai_Protagonist: You got a better idea?

KayKay: Take an hour or two to scream into your pillow to vent?

Dress-to-Impress: Start a hobby like fashion was for me at first?

Isekai_Protagonist: Unironically.

Isekai_Protagonist: I will take that Kelsey.

Isekai_Protagonist: Thanks.

Isekai_Protagonist: Does apocalypse prep count as a hobby, Penny? Because it IS kinda relaxing sometimes. The prep-work, not the contemplation of impending doom.

TotesBestGirl: LMAO

Dress-to-Impress: You've been preparing for the apocalypse already?

Isekai_Protagonist: What did you THINK the entrenching tool was really for?

Babeatron-Queenthousand: Joe are you okay?

Isekai_Protagonist: Nope!

Isekai_Protagonist: But SOMEBODY'S gotta make sure we all get through this mess alive!

Horror_Movie_Survivor: I am gonna get you a GREAT birthday present, dude.

TheLastCrusade: Same.

Thad_the_Chad: Yeah, Joe-bro, you got this group together, we're gonna get you some good stuff for your 10th and frame upgrade.

Darkxwolf16: Agreed.

Darkxwolf16: But I smell a training montage!

Кукла: You WOULD, cuz.

Darkxwolf16: We are LITERALLY in an anime, cuz!

Darkxwolf16: You are a Vampire Witch Girl!

Darkxwolf16: I'm apparently one too!

Кукла: Does that make me the main character? And you the SIDE-character?

Isekai_Protagonist: Oh robo-gods

Isekai_Protagonist: You DID NOT just go there.

Darkxwolf16: Doll.

Кукла: Cuz?

Darkxwolf16: Check the Tetris high scores in the Bunker.

I blinked, and pulled out my phone, going over to check. Mama's high score of beating Tetris wasn't there, but that was a secret that only Mama, Papa, and myself knew, and Mama never told me how she did it. I looked through, and there I was, in fifth, fourth, third, second, and-- first place was held by Uzi , with over a million more points than me. I stared in horror. How… so fast? I felt devastated .

Darkxwolf16: CALL ME A SIDE CHARACTER AGAIN!

Darkxwolf16: I DARE YOU!!!

Кукла: I'M SORRY!

Кукла: YOU'RE NOT THE SIDE CHARACTER!

Кукла: I'M SORRY!!!

Liz hugged me as I whimpered and held onto her. Cuz hit where it hurt .

Babeatron-Queenthousand: That was COLD, Uzi.

Thad_the_Chad: Holy CRAP.

Isekai_Protagonist: That was brutal, Uzi.

Darkxwolf16: I am NOT a side-character.

Horror_Movie_Survivor: Duly noted.

DarrenToDream: Yeah.

TotesBestGirl: You're like, the MAIN character, and I will never dispute that fact!

KayKay: Real main-character energy, Uzi!

TheLastCrusade: Very much the main character. I'll offer a prayer for your slain pride, Doll.

Dress-to-Impress: Can't you BOTH be main characters?

A few seconds passed while I lamented my high score and Lizzy gently ran a hand through my hair.

Isekai_Protagonist: You know, if this is actually a Sci-Fi Cosmic Horror we're in, we ARE trying to break the script. Dual Protagonists are a thing. And I'd be fine being the Deuteragonist who's the Man With The Plan.

Another few seconds passed, and then--

Darkxwolf16: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!!!

Darkxwolf16: Fine!

Darkxwolf16: I'm sorry, cuz.

Darkxwolf16: I deleted my score.

Darkxwolf16: Just… don't freaking call me a side-character again.

I sniffled, but my scores were back on all top 5 slots on the high scores.

Кукла: Thanks, Uzi.

Thad_the_Chad: So now what?

Isekai_Protagonist: We train. A lot. Parkour. Martial Arts. Doll with her powers.

Isekai_Protagonist: Emily?

TheLastCrusade: Yeah?

Isekai_Protagonist: 1 sec, actually.

Isekai_Protagonist: Doll?

Кукла: Yeah Joe?

Isekai_Protagonist: Are you okay with Russian Orthodox prayers?

Кукла: I'm not opposed.

Isekai_Protagonist: Cool. Emily, can you find some prayers or religious meditation techniques from Russian Orthodoxy for Doll? We're dealing with something that's capable of possession. Might be worthless, but might also be worth a shot.

TheLastCrusade: I'm on it, and I'll have her a Rosary by the end of the week!

Darkxwolf16: Huh, I might have something besides the Murder Drones to use that Sick As Hell Rail Gun I'm designing on.

Isekai_Protagonist: Uzi, I have told you before, and I will tell you again.

Isekai_Protagonist: It is not a Rail Gun

Isekai_Protagonist: It does not use magnetic rails to accelerate a solid projectile to absurd speeds.

Isekai_Protagonist: It's either a Magnetically Amplified Photon Converger.

Isekai_Protagonist: Or you could technically call it a Magneto-Hydrodynamic Particle Accelerator, similar to the Thanix Canon from Mass Effect.

Isekai_Protagonist: Because it uses magnetic coils to fire a beam of ionized liquid mercury at a significant fraction of the speed of light.

Darkxwolf16: BITE ME!

Darkxwolf16: But Sick As Hell Magneto-Hydrodynamic Particle Accelerator DOES abbreviate to SAHMPA if I cut the H from the hyphenated 'Hydrodynamic…'

Darkxwolf16: Vaporizing bad guys with a SAHMPA is actually kinda funny.

Darkxwolf16: I'll CONSIDER it, Joe.

Babeatron-Queenthousand: What the FUCK are you two designing?!?

Isekai_Protagonist: Something that is NOT overkill, because we're apparently fighting Robot Cthulhu Satan in the future.

TotesBestGirl: He's got a point.

Thad_the_Chad: Yeah… that's an ACTUAL point.

Darkxwolf16: Besides, I haven't even BUILT it.

Darkxwolf16: YET!

Darkxwolf16: I haven't built it YET!

Кукла: Cuz.

Darkxwolf16: Yeah?

Кукла: Best of luck with that.

Кукла: But I hope we don't have to fight something that requires us to use it.

Isekai_Protagonist: To be fair, I am VERY much in the camp of "There's no Kill like Overkill."

Isekai_Protagonist: Thing probably is some SERIOUS overkill, all things considered.

KayKay: Probably. But still scary.

Darkxwolf16: Thanks Doll.

The conversation started to peter out after that, and Liz helped me clean my hab again before she left me to take a nap after everything we learned. I dreamt of… whispers, the details of which I couldn't remember, but I could remember that I never Let Them In, regardless of if they were real or imagined.

___________

(Serial Designation G)

Stalking a drone that almost exclusively went around during the day was hard . But there was something strange about that worker I decided to spare a while back. Creeping from cover to cover? Sprinting full speed through open spaces? Diving into a building and even dimming his optics to escape notice? Those screamed survival choices , not instincts. Conscious, sapient survival choices. I had a sinking fear in my stomach. I wanted to be wrong. I so desperately wanted to be wrong. But there was something about that worker that pressed me to investigate rather than just hope he didn't get himself killed by the bitch or the boss. Wind blowing on the silicate and asbestos snow made tracking footprints made in the day very annoying, but occasionally, I'd luck out, and I'd started getting an idea of part of a route that the worker was using routinely .

He still slipped up occasionally. Never as bad as that first time, but I'd catch glimpses of the guy as I kept my distance to avoid spooking him, sometimes being out just as the sun was setting. And then I lucked out for real. I was winging around high above an area I'd spotted his footprints a while ago, and caught him quietly slipping into a store. Flitting down silently, I perched on a half-derelict lamppost, still somehow flickering over a decade after the core collapse. It was… a music store? Why was a worker regularly sneaking out to a music store of all places? I didn't want to investigate now and spook the guy, though. So after another lackluster hunt that night because I couldn't bring myself to kill anyone again, I had to endure another 3 hours of crying in my corner of the Spire while listening to the boss and the bitch fuck yet again.

I couldn't have been out fast enough when a storm rolled in shortly before sunset. The footprints leading out of the music store were already erased by the snow and the wind, but that wasn't needed anymore. I slipped in, finding the place devoid of occupants, because the worker would have left at sunrise like he almost always did. Stalking through the place on my peg-feet, my tail swished behind me, my hunter's cross flickering out, and I saw… signs of habitation. A corner in the storage room in the back, out of view from the front of the store, with a sleeping bag tucked away, a generator wired to not only a few electronics that looked like they were brought there, but also the ceiling, a functional record player, a few bits that I recognized as food items for workers. Following the ceiling wire's path, I slipped back out, and after squinting and hugging the roof as the wind and snow whipped at me, I found a concealed solar panel, set up to appear derelict on a casual inspection. Did the worker set that up himself? I wondered. I didn't like that. I really didn't like that, because it was adding to the growing list of reasons that the workers might be more than sub-sapient and merely mimicking humans.

Shaking my head, I slipped back into the store and took a closer inspection. There were records missing from the store. Not haphazardly, either. Someone had taken time to pick and chose specific ones, and a lot of those records to boot. And I had a feeling that I knew who was doing it. Checking the back of the store again, this time in an office in the back, there were some wires trailing from the generator, through holes drilled in the wall, to the store-owner's computer, and a couple jacks that looked designed to wire into a worker from the computer. The computer had a password, and I couldn't guess it, but given the spare record player also jury-rigged up to it, it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the worker had been taking records over here, copying them to a digital format, and then was uploading them directly to his OS.

I swallowed dryly, and made sure to put everything back exactly the way I found it before slipping away. I didn't have it in myself to do any hunting tonight. I'd just endure the suffering from listening to L and M fucking and skim off the reserves from their kills. I could… I could pretend that I wasn't culpable for what they did. I headed back for the Spire, my mind lost in a maelstrom of thoughts as I went over what I'd learned.

None of it made sense though. Why would a worker be collecting music records of all things? Not just the physical copies, but downloading them as well? And showing a startling amount of actual nuance and initiative at avoiding detection in the process of doing so? What kind of programming would cause a faulty AI to collect those? There's something really wrong here. I landed atop a building partway on my route back, and put my head in my hands, and shivered. Please let this be some fluke. Please let this be a worker who's OS just bugged out from them being unsupervised by humans for so long , I internally begged. Because every single thing I learned from following this worker was pointing to them being just as sapient as I was… and if they were…

I would be a monster.

___________

(Joseph)

Another day, another night. Another night, another several hours of preparation for my war on the Solver as the days drew ever closer to my birthday, and I could finally get out of Andrew's corpse, and subsequently fabricate and then transfer to a custom combat frame. Because seriously, my "10th" birthday (I was starting to close on 29 counting my first life, 24 if you wanted to argue the semantics of barely remembering anything before I was 5) was in a week and I couldn't fucking wait to stop feeling guilty every time I interacted with Kelsey. Less looking forwards to being slapped in the face by robo-puberty, because that was programmed into our core hardware and would activate the second I transferred to the teen frame, so even if I transferred to my custom frame that night , I'd still be shit out of luck, but it was what it was… Fuck man, I was reasonably convinced that Lizzy actually liked me… and Doll… at the same time… I was hoping that if I pretended to be a dense Isekai Protagonist long enough, she'd just latch onto Doll instead and I could live my 2nd life without that baggage on me. Also, speaking of Doll, I had given her that normal eyemote gif to hide her Solver, along with a code string to actively turn it on and mimic whatever actual expression she'd have underneath. Somehow, she didn't put it together that I was using something almost identical to that to cheat at staring contests, and neither had anyone else, for that matter.

Moving on, Uzi had been in her teen frame for a while now, and after fabricating all the internal components we could for both our combat frames, we'd gotten to fabricating the actual body Uzi would be using for the next few years. To recap, I had all the shit I'd been designing for them packed into it… except the Halo-style motion trackers, because I'd been having no luck with replicating those myself. Uzi was gonna have the EMP hardening (fuck you, Alice and J), the rad-hardening, the polarized visor to give her built-in immunity to sentinel flashes, an external frame made of CrCoNi with some more durable metals and ceramics than factory standards on an ultra-thin layer on top to keep up appearances, super improved servos, motors, synthetic muscle fibers, and an internal CNT Reinforced skeletal structure made of Khan-grade alloys. We would be… much heavier than factory standard, but I'd done testing and both our parkour course and the floors of the bunker, plus our furniture, would withstand our weights without issue. The hardware overclock program was good to go, ready to sync to the hardware, I'd gotten ready the internal gyroscope, and built Uzi a reinforced neck, extra CNT reinforcing on her upper torso (thank you for reminding me of that time the Solver ripped Uzi's core out of her own chest, random PTSD moment of that shot from Ep 8), and the toggleable mag-feet were done and dusted.

We had all the visual settings I'd baked up, enhanced hearing, the combat software like the aim assist, the targeting reticle, the secondary reticle that would analyze target direction, speed, and velocity to show where shots needed to be aimed to lead targets, the internal radar and sonar with passive and active variants, the former of which was always on and the latter of which could be toggled, and an internal quantum comms relay. Uzi's own core was going to make the transfer, upgraded to be a CF drone core rather than outright replaced with a black box and a CF cell like I was gonna do, but that was because I didn't want to risk Solver issues. That all being said, I'd taken a look at the blueprints for drone cores and set up a small casing made out of Khan-grade materials to armor it with. Ideally, it'd get assimilated into her Solver core when it manifested and make the thing way more durable. On a side note, even if I wouldn't be using it just yet, I'd already fabricated my black box out of Khan-grade stuff as well.

With that recap done for the sake of my 4th Wall audience that didn't have perfect recall like I now did, I was helping Uzi strap in to the Drone Maintenance Station in Vault 2, her new frame already set up in it as well. We'd gone over the procedure several times, and it would be a quick and easy transfer of core hardware that would occur automatically. Of course, I was paranoid, so I'd practiced on empty drone shells with fake parts prior, and knew how to manually do things if needed, but I was reasonably confident that nothing short of random natural disasters or a spontaneous Murder Drone or hostile Solver Drone break-in could fuck this up.

"You ready Uzi?" I asked her as I made sure she was secure.

"For my battle body? Hell yeah!" she shouted, grin on her face.

"Was that a fucking Undertale reference?"

Uzi's optics flickered. "Damnit, it was!"

I shrugged. "Eh, wasn't intentional."

"Let's just go already," she said.

I shrugged again. " Dolci sogni, Uzi."

And then I flicked the switch that plugged the machine into her, which shut her off, and got to work. Seeing a friend literally get disassembled in front of you was fucking uncomfortable , folks, and I immediately understood why they turned us off for this. This would be nightmarish to consciously experience. Still I got a morbid look at Uzi's processor, core, and other integral bits as the mechanical appendages of the Maintenance Station took them out of her and then put them all into the appropriate spots on her new frame, and then welded and bolted everything where it was supposed to go, no issues along the entire process. In less than 10 minutes, Uzi was better than new, in a frame designed to tank small-arms fire and be able to bench-press multiple tons of weight, optimized for combat as much as physically possible without giving away that they were built as such. From an outward appearance, Uzi Doorman was functionally identical to this morning. Beneath the surface of her chassis, however? This girl was now a war machine.

I turned her back on, watching in overclock as purple text scrolled along her visor as she booted up. I caught a "absoluteSolver string = FALSE," in a caustic yellow for a whopping 3 frames out of the now 600 I could manage in a second (Uzi and I were still improving that program, and we both fucking cheated at life with overclocks, I swear to all that's holy), and narrowed my optics at it, but otherwise, the procedure went exactly as planned, and that made me relieved.

Uzi woke up a few minutes later, and the station released her arms and legs. She raised her hands and looked at them. "Woah," she muttered. "I feel like a god ."

"A demigoddess? Maybe, especially when your powers come in. A full on deity? Not quite yet, Uzi," I told her with a grin.

"I could literally squash you right now. No powers needed. I won't!" she clarified. "But I could! "

I rolled my eyemotes. "I trust that you won't, Uzi."

She deadpanned at me. "Take away all my fun, why don't you?"

I grinned at her. "I'm the one who gave you all your cool toys, friends, and am working to save all of your lives. I do believe that I have nothing to fear concerning you jeopardizing my physical safety barring you getting possessed."

"So I take it you set up some stress tests? Weight lifting, an industrial treadmill, some stuff for me to try the hardware overclock on?"

"Yeah," I said, gesturing for her to follow over to a set of weights, the aforementioned industrial weights, and a few other odds and ends to make sure that all the stuff we built was up to what they were supposed to be. "Right here."

I watched as Uzi literally lifted a one ton weight like it was nothing, do a few reps with it, run a systems diagnostic to make sure everything was in order, and then moved over to a two-ton weight, overclocking her hardware and repeating the process. Damn if it wasn't gonna be awesome to have that kinda strength myself.

"So, Joe?" Uzi began while transitioning over to the treadmill, quickly reaching Olympic sprinting speeds and then exceeding them, "I've been thinking over some stuff ever since I took that pattern recognition off your former human cognition…" she trailed off.

"Yeah?" I asked, getting a bit nervous.

"You joked about me dating a Murder Drone that day you reconciled me with Lizzy and Rebecca, and then also mentioned that I end up doing a lot of things with N in canon over our conversations about it--" Oooooooooh, SHIT! I thought. "--and I'm literally an anime protag--" Uzi cut herself off, jumped off the treadmill with an echoing thump, and then looked at me with hollow optics. "Oh my robo-god I end up dating him don't I?"

I sighed. Godsfuckingdamnit . I took an unnecessary breath. "Do you really want to know the answer to that?" I asked her.

Uzi stared at me, jaw dropping, before she turned around and groaned, then screamed " Really ?!? Yeah he's weirdly hot , but he totally maybe sorta half-killed my mom!"

"And said mom is a deadbeat," I reminded her, raising a finger, "N didn't actually kill her," I raised a second finger, "if he was even the one to actually do it," I raised a third finger, "aaaaaaaaand," I finally decided to bite the bullet, because the cat was out of the bag, "it's literally the most wholesome ship ever ," I raised my thumb, " and also you called him weirdly hot just now," I said, wiggling all of my fingers at once.

Uzi's visor lit up like a fucking neon sign, and she buried her face in her hands. "You did this to me! You planted the idea in my head!"

Sure as hell not willing to give up NUzi without a fight, I countered with, "You literally would have done it if I wasn't here anyways! I mean, look at this shit!"

I went and played a clip of Ep 8 on my visor, and Uzi watched herself standing in front of a terrified V and a still comatose N, and shout, "Hands off! No one traumatizes these weirdly hot robots but me !"

"Oh those flesh wings are simultaneously metal as hell but also super gross," she muttered, and then the Solver-Drone to-be froze for a few seconds, overclocked, before her her jaw dropped again, mouth moving as she silently stared at me for a few seconds, and I got a bit confused before she suddenly found her voice and screamed, "I BAG V TOO ?!?" I overclocked to shut myself out before I could blurt out a "Huh?" and then snapped back to real-time immediately after suppressing it. A beat passed and then Uzi put a hand to her chin and added, "Actually, bagging N and his old flame is kinda based…"

What? I thought again, and then realized, Oh shit , she thinks the clip means she got V too! Oh fuck, I can work with this! But first… "...You're not concerned about them being way older than you?" I asked her, because that was a moderate concern of mine. Yeah, NUzi was wholesome, and N canonically saw himself and V as the same age as Uzi, but… you know, possibly decades older due to time spent doing genocide, and my former human sensibilities told me that was wrong .

Uzi looked at me, eyemote raised, looking decidedly confused for a moment, before she blinked, and went, "Oooooooooooooooh, this is one of your former human hangups!" I do not like where this is going , I thought. And then she added, "Dude, we're freaking robots, age is relative, and emotional maturity is what matters. Yeah, it's gross now , but give it a couple years, and I'll be fine with it. That kinda stuff is one of your former human hangups because you meatbags actually have biological differences based on chronological age rather than mental development and emotional maturity. It's only incest that gets gross ."

That… that was something to unpack, that was for sure, but first , my intrusive thoughts demanded I ask her, "Wouldn't incest also not be an issue, because you can just scrub code for any defects before you boot up the UNN?"

Uzi went to counter me, then paused. "You're… probably right, but everyone still finds it gross, and… honestly, given what I've figured out after you started pointing out how unperceptive we can be, that probably just never occurred to anyone… so yeah, incest is probably just an organic taboo that actually stuck to us, unlike age… I swear to robo-god if you joke about Freude and my dad I will actually hurt you." I waved my hands side to side in front of me to show the threat was understood, and Uzi gave me a nod, before she continued with, "But still, age itself doesn't really have a hard limit for drones. Yeah, some of our parents are still hung up about that because of lingering code and cultural hangups left by humanity, but I've been talking to Lizzy, and she said that the general consensus with our generation is that physical age is a number, and it's the emotional maturity that matters when we're basically immortal. Yeah, a 50 year old human getting together with a 20 year old human is gross , but what's that to drones? 500 years from now, 550 vs 520 doesn't really seem that big of a difference. I get that it makes you really uncomfortable, but we're not human, so human morality doesn't match up to us one-to-one."

A beat passed, and I said, "That was… surprisingly mature of you, Uzi. Uh, thanks for the comprehensive explanation, I guess, but…" I sighed, burying my face in my hands. Fuckin' ay, that was gonna be something I'd have to worry about in the future, wasn't it? "Fuck my second life in a non-sexy way," I muttered.

Uzi had the balls… lugnuts… nah, I'm gonna keep mentally saying balls … to laugh at me, but then she calmed down after a few seconds of enjoying finally winning one over on me and asked, "Seriously, do I really bag two Murder Drones?"

I pushed through my own angst at the thought of people my apparent age possibly hitting on me, and again thought to myself, I can work with this. I can work with this. But also, not gonna lie , because that's fucked up. Aloud, I said, "I mean, not explicitly , but you definitely get N, what with the whole confession scene while you're falling from orbit , and half the fanbase started headcanoning you as Bi from just that one line, you do have some chemistry with V, and she's already into N. So realistically, you only need to make V be into you , and you could totally pull it off if you tried. Plus, imagine the style points you'd get from having multiple partners in an Isekai story when you aren't the Isekai Protagonist and don't end up in a relationship with me either."

"I have a confession scene while falling from orbit ? That's sick as hell!" Uzi paused in overclock for two seconds, contemplating something, and then she slumped. "Rob-goddamnit, I hate that I'm actually considering this…" Then she froze. " Wait, V killed Doll's parents! I can't fucking do that to her, dude! That's all kinds of messed up!!!"

I sucked in a breath. "Still… kinda need V to fight the Solver though. Yeah, she's a sadistic bitch, but that was a mask to try and hide from an Eldritch Horror in order to get it to leave her and the man she loved alone. Doesn't excuse it, but it is a mitigating factor. And…. we might be able to undo Yeva's death… and we're also gonna shoot the ever loving fuck out of her multiple times regardless…" I trailed off.

"... I still blame you for making me think they're hot."

"I planted the seed," I countered. " You let it grow. I had nothing to do with that picture on your conspiracy board or the note attached to it."

Uzi groaned, and then flushed. "You saw that?"

"Overclock," I explained.

Uzi groaned again, and then looked up at me, still blushing, but also with a literal anime tick mark above her left optic to show she was annoyed with me. "Cuz is gonna hate me for this… uuuuuuuuugh but my stupid robo-hormones still make me wanna try ! Who the hell programmed robo-puberty to hit as soon as we get the teenage frames?!?"

"That one… actually isn't down to humans," I told her. "I looked it up, and they made UNNs illegal prior to the core collapse, meaning you all just got built as adults before then. So it was a drone on Copper 9 who was the brilliant idiot who thought it was a good idea."

"Holy hell , is this my dad's fault?!?"

"Given that kids have nothing to do with bunkers or doors… I'm gonna say that this was someone else who thought to imitate humans growing up and designed teenage frames and then thought 'teenagers equals puberty' like the total moron they were. And if it's any consolation, as soon as I get my frame upgrade, I'm gonna be going through puberty for the second time , and while at least I don't have to deal with my voice changing, growing pains, or acne, I will feel consistently disgusted with myself for robo-hormones making me feel attracted to women nearly two decades younger than I am mentally."

"Who do you think that you're gonna be--"

" Uzi ," I cut her off, very pointedly not consciously thinking about that kind of stuff because fuck you, 4th Wall.

She blinked a few times, looking me in the optics, and then asked. "Is this one of those things where you're actually super serious but I'm not quite sure because of my processors being stupid?"

"Yeah, I would really rather not talk about it," I literally begged.

"So can we also not talk about the fact that the context you gave me plus the pattern recognition software you also gave me from my dive into your head made me conclude that you totally ship me with two Murder Drones?"

"You wanna add not talking about you still finding them hot regardless to that list?"

"Can we not talk about any of that?"

"Fine by me." I sighed, and shook my head. Damnit Uzi, you were too genre savvy for your own good sometimes. " This is why I don't wanna talk about shipping ever."

Uzi sighed. "Yeah, I get that now." And then she froze, overclocked… for a full six seconds. When she came out of it, her optics snapped to pixel thick rings. "Wait, if there was shipping, was there Rule--"

"UZI, DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS YOU DON'T WANT THE ANSWER TO!!!" I cut her off with a panicked shout.

Her jaw dropped, and she took a few seconds before she shouted out. "HOLY SHIT THERE'S PORN OF US?!?"

I swallowed, and then offered a hasty and completely honest, "In my defense, I deleted it as soon as I figured out how to delete select memories!"

"WHAT THE FUCK , DUDE?!?"

"I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS GONNA GET ISEKAI'D!!!"

"NOPE! NOPE! NOPE!!!" she shouted, pacing back and forth while holding her head in her hands. "WHAT THE FUCK?!? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ?!? WE'RE ROBOTS! WE DON'T HAVE GENITALS!" Uzi froze, and then snapped her gaze to me. "OH MY ROBO-GOD, THEY TOTALLY DREW US WITH BOOBS AND PENISIES AND VAGINAS, DIDN'T THEY?!? OH MY ROBO-GOD, THEY DREW ME AS WITH BOOBS AND A PENIS, DIDN'T THEY?!?" I very wisely kept my fucking mouth shut. Uzi did not like that. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" she screamed, "THAT IS SO GROSS! NO! NO! FUCK THIS! I'M DELETING MY MEMORY FROM YOU MENTIONING THAT THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT SHIPPING ONWARDS, TELL ME NOT TO FIGURE IT OUT AGAIN!!!"

Uzi sat back down, looking traumatized as fuck , and then froze for a second, and then refocused, looking confused. Before she could open her mouth all the way, I cut her off. "Your new pattern recognition software you got from me let you figure something out that you regretted the answer to and you subsequently deleted your memories of it. You told me to tell you not to try to figure it out again. Please don't. I'd rather not spend the next hour in a loop of you re-traumatizing yourself and then deleting it."

"So… we agreed not to talk about a bunch of things… and that's where I cut myself off."

"Yep. Don't think about it any further, Uzi."

"I am definitely looking forward to pounding the murder out of those Murder Drones to vent my angst soon." I raised an eyemote and gave Uzi a look . Her optics hollowed. "In a fight! I meant in a fight!" she shouted as she waved her arms back and forth.

I grinned, but elected to not tease her any further since we agreed not to talk about it. Damn, I was gonna have to play it carefully if I wanted either of Uzi's best ships to happen… granted, she seemed semi-committed to it herself, but it couldn't hurt to help. Uzi deserved happiness. Man, why did V have to be such a psychopathic bitch? Made this way harder than it needed to be! I thought. Still… that turned out surprisingly well for Uzi figuring out her future shipping status early. I mentally shrugged. Don't question good fortune, Joe. I may yet get my OT3 to actually happen.

"Rebecca was right. You are a Shipping Mastermind," she accused me. I just laughed at her. She glared at me, and when I finally calmed down, she mulled something over, and then also asked, "So are there weird ships?"

"Do you want me to tell you about DUzi? Or LUzi?"

Uzi audibly gagged. "Oh, that's gross . She's literally my cousin in everything but code! That's like, almost actual incest! What the fuck ?!? And then, Lizzy?!? Why?!?"

"At least it's not the literal unironic Khan x Doors ship."

"...What the fuck is wrong with humans?!?"

"Humans are inherently horny bastards," I explained, and then added, "How about we stop talking about this before you need to delete your memories again , Uzi?"

"You know what? Sure! That sounds like a great idea! Let's go test some guns, now !"

"Sure! You can even test out the bolters on full-auto without the brace now!" I told her as we started walking over to the firing range, but after a few seconds I could not resist asking, "But do I have your permission to traumatize those weirdly hot robots, Uzi?"

" Joe! "

"What, legit question!" I shot back at her… and I was only half joking.

It was Uzi's turn to give me a look . "How else do you expect me to Stockholm Syndrome them into a wholesome relationship?!?"

I stopped walking. She did a second later, looking back at me, confused. "Uzi?" I asked her, suddenly serious.

"...Yeah?" she replied, getting nervous.

"You are fucking based ."

Her mouth formed a wide grin. "Hell yeah! Let's shoot some shit!" she shouted, taking off for the firing range.

"HELL YEAH!!!" I called out, before chasing after her.

God, I fucking (platonically) love that this girl is as unhinged as I am!

________


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