A Dumbass Isekai Protagonist's Guide to Surviving Murder Drones

(Joseph)

1 week after the first trip up to the surface Uzi and I had, Andrew's funeral finally rolled around. It was a private affair, Andrew's internals removed already, and just his frame left, already in the opened coffin and ready to be sealed and finally laid to rest with his parents. Evidently, he used to wear a white T-shirt with a purple line under the collar and a patterned line the same shade right at the bottom, had a grey hoodie on top of that, and dressed in cargo shorts instead of cargo pants . He was also apparently a ginger, which was ironic considering that I (unwittingly and unwillingly) possessed his corpse. He had a mop of hair in said hue that reached his shoulders and had messy bangs that were parted in such a manner as to make it look like he had a huge forehead. I'll give Rebecca and Penny credit where it's due: They dressed him up really well. Kelsey had been teary the entire service so far, but she said Andrew really looked like he was just offline.

Emily finished some final prayers she offered for both him and his parents, and everyone offered some last words to the guy, most in the privacy of their own thoughts while taking a final look at the dude, though Thad gave a pretty damn cool speech about how the guy was cool and that he thought Andrew would be happy with the job I did, and that he hopes that Andrew's doing better wherever he is now. Considering that I got Isekai'd, I did suppose there was a non-zero possibility that Andrew reincarnated to somewhere else… hopefully not to a reality where he had a sister named Ashley, though. There was one more guest, one of Andrew's old friends that Kelsey mentioned way back, but I'll get to him in a moment.

I stared down at the empty shell of a drone I spent 3 years in. He really did look like someone had just powered him off. This used to be a person , before V lobotomized him, leaving behind only emotional repression programs and an open door for myself. This guy had a life, friends, and a family before V took that away and I woke up in his corpse. I sucked in a breath and clenched my fists. I don't know if you can hear me, Andrew , I thought. I really am sorry for having to have used your body. I'm sorry that you had to wait another three years to get to rest with your parents. I'm sorry I'm still living in your house. I'm sorry I've had to lie to Kelsey, and that I'm still lying to her even now. I promise you that I'll do my best to keep her safe, for your sake. I'm here. I can fix a blighted future. I'll do my best to make you proud. But for now… Requiescat in Pace, Andrew , I thought, using Latin instead of Italian, because quoting Ezio and using Latin instead felt a bit more respectful. You've more than earned it.

I took one last look at Andrew, took a screenshot to make sure I committed him to memory, that I wouldn't forget this kid who lost his life, and that I needed to make sure the people he left behind would stay safe, and then stepped aside. Kelsey had been waiting for everyone else to pay their final respects first, and there was only one last person before her turn.

Braidon was still dressed as his canon self. He was a bit better after the passage of time, but still mentally out of things just as often as not. Turns out he was one of Andrew's two other surviving friends all along. I can understand why he didn't want to associate with me. I'm kinda glad I never tried to help him out now. Doing so in Andrew's body may have done him more harm than good. "H…h-hey…" he trailed off for a moment, actually looking pained as he tried to drag a name from his memories, "Andrew," he said in a quiet tone. "It's… been a while, man. I'm… sorry I didn't really do this sooner, but… someone else was running on your OS, and I… I couldn't handle that, man. Kelsey's still doing okay. So is…" he trailed off again, but this time I think he was just thinking a name instead of struggling to remember it. "But… yeah… it's good to see you one last time. I miss you. We all do. We're gonna keep missing you. But… we're still happy you were in our lives. Thanks… for being there, Andrew," he said. A few moments passed in silence, before he took an unnecessary breath, and then said, "Rest in Peace, Andrew," and then turned around and shuffled away, stopping to put a hand on Kelsey's shoulder, the girl suddenly pulling him into a hug, before she let go and walked over to the coffin herself.

Braidon actually came up to me after that, and stopped in front of me and then said in a quiet tone. "Joseph? That's… your name, right?"

"Yeah," I told him.

"I… I think I needed this, Joseph," he told me, and he seemed to visibly… "come together" a bit more in front of me. "Thanks for doing this," he said. "I really mean it. I still wanna keep my distance, but thank you."

I took a moment, not wanting to overclock for something this personal, and then decided on, "You're welcome, Braidon. I'll make sure to keep an optic out for Kelsey in the future."

He blinked a few times at me, seemingly surprised, and then said, "Thanks, du--"

Kelsey breaking into sobs interrupted us both, and we turned around to see her shoulders shaking as she stood over the coffin and just cried.

Rebecca was actually the first person to reach her and give her a hug, followed by Doll, then Lizzy, then Braidon, and then the rest of us basically piled on while she bawled her processors out. " A-a-aaaaaaandreeeeeeeeeeew !" she wailed.

I kept quiet for once in my 2nd life, knowing that anything I said was liable to make things worse, and just watched as other people did their best to comfort Kelsey as she started to collect herself over the next 8 minutes and 57 seconds (according to my EMP-shielded internal clock, which now also had an internal battery independent of anything else running off a tiny amount of a barely radioactive material that didn't actually release any harmful radiation and was instead just used to keep it ticking independent of the rest of my system. If anything ever offlined me for whatever reason, as long as it was intact, I'd know exactly how long I was out at just a glance). I think she needed this cry, but it still hurt to watch, even if she looked a bit less stressed than I'd ever seen her when she finally calmed down.

"I'm gonna miss him," Kelsey sniffled. "I… I know he's been gone, but…" she trailed off.

"He sounded amazing," I finally spoke up. "I'm sad I couldn't get to know him." And that was the honest truth.

"He was," Kelsey said from the center of a group hug of over a dozen drones. "T-thanks again, Joe… for doing this."

"You're welcome, Kelsey," I told her.

We… we finally laid Andrew to rest with his parents just a few minutes later. There was a bit more discussion of what he was like, and I found out he wanted to see the surface one day, and that made me… deeply regretful that I hadn't taken a look at the surface before I'd gotten my frame changed. Braidon talked with Kelsey for a bit longer, before giving her another hug and thanking her for inviting him, before giving me a wave and heading off.

Uzi was currently talking to Kelsey to ask her more about what Andrew was like, and I was off to the side for the moment, when I got a DM ping, and checked on my HUD.

Кукла: Hey, Joe, can I talk to you for a moment?

Isekai_Protagonist: Sure.

I walked to the side, coming up to Doll, who was visibly nervous. "What's going on, Doll?"

" I …" she swallowed. " I haven't had to use the bathroom in over two weeks now. I'd been… producing less and less waste ever since my powers came in, but… it just stopped two weeks back. I'm still eating. I'm still intaking enough oil, " she defended, "But… that's not normal , and I'm scared , Joe. I told Liz, but she has no idea what's going on, and she's nervous too, and-- "

I cut her off. "It's probably just a weird Solver thing, Dolly," I told her. "Just… try to relax. If nothing bad has happened to you in two weeks, you're probably fine. If anything dangerous does happen, just call me any time of day, and I'll do my best to try and help you."

Doll shuffled nervously, but gave a small nod. " If… if you're sure. It's… a little relieving to hear that from you. You… always seem to be on top of things, so that if you say something's gonna be fine, I… I believe it. Does that make sense ?"

"Yeah, it does," I said, partly because that's the exact persona I've been trying to portray, and partly because for most Solver things, I did know what was going on. Though this in particular… I could hazard a guess that her Solver was assimilating all material she consumed, waste included… but she still had the internal architecture for waste excretion, it just wasn't in use anymore. I might have to revise my plans with the Dysentery Darts. It was possible that DDs didn't actually crap… but at the same time, the Solver might have left the internal organs of a digestive tract. I'd have to just try testing it on a DD when ambushing them.

" As… as incredible as these powers can be sometimes ," Doll started, getting a bit more nervous, " I'm scared of what else might be going on with my body that I don't know about. What… what else is changing inside me because of the Solver ?"

I was always bad with people, and while overclocking helped me with figuring out the right words to say in a timeframe that wasn't "way too late to actually matter," like Uzi had pointed out, I still fell back on hugs fairly often. It was a lot harder to fuck those up. So I stepped forwards and gave the Russian Solver Drone exactly that. She gave a quiet squeak from surprise, freezing up for a moment before hesitantly hugging me back. "I don't know what exactly you're going through, Dolly" because that was the truth, the Solver was basically Evil Puberty for Doll, and I didn't really know the specifics beyond her needing more oil, growing fleshy bits inside herself, and apparently no longer shitting too, "but I'll do my best to help you through it, okay?"

I heard Doll's internal fans whirring because of the enhanced audials from my combat frame, before she leaned into the hug a bit more. " You're cool to the touch, " she murmured. " Like Liz. "

Slightly uncomfortable all of the sudden, I kinda just blurted out in a low voice, "And you're warm. Probably a Solver thing."

Doll giggled. " Thanks, Joe. For being such a great friend. For caring about me. "

Okay, feeling less squicky now, because this was just platonic. Thank robo-god. Lizzy was enough, thank you very much. "You're welcome, Dolly." I told her.

Though, speaking of the blonde, my enhanced audials picked up her mutterings from the side, namely, "Why is them hugging hot? Why is it so hot?!? "

I immediately got a ping on the UMPT that I didn't even need to open to know it was Uzi laughing at me again, and had to use an overclock to not only hide my left eyemote twitching, but also keep my internal screaming strictly such.

I said it before and I'll say it again, whoever coded robo-puberty better hope the Murder Drones got to him, because he'll be begging for death if he's still alive and I find him…

________

(Uzi)

The first, sped up synth bars of my second favorite nightcore song started spinning up as I was getting to work. Joe's workshops in his secret Isekai lair were amazing and all, but sometimes it was nice to just chill at my own workbench in my own room while trying to figure out ideas to get that SAHMPA working. Granted, just doing that was kinda boring, and I could totally multitask if I was just doing design and not actually building things.

Mi-ku, Mi-ku,

You can call me Miku!

Blue Hair, Blue Tie,

Hiding in your wi-fi!

Op-en se-crets,

Anyone can find me!

Hear your mu-sic

Running through my mind!

"I'm thinking Miku, Miku, oo-ee-oo!," I started singing along as I worked. I… I used to think that liking this song so much was cringe, but Joe was right. As long as I owned up to liking it, it didn't matter what other people thought! …it also helped that Joe liked the song too… and so did cuz… and Lizzy… and Rebecca… Come to think of it, we all liked that song.

As for my work, I had the magnets in the gun checking out by the numbers in the 3D design program I was using when it came to condensing the liquid mercury into a beam and ionizing it for that sick-as-hell green glow, but the trouble was setting up some magnetic coils to not interfere with the aforementioned ionization and shaping of the mercury such that I could then actually launch it at unscrew-off speeds. I was making some good progress though, and Joe sending me stuff from Mass Effect Wikis to me was actually giving me some neat ideas…

I paused my song. "Huh, oil really is our eezo, isn't it?" I gave a single chuckle to myself, and then hit play on the song but turned the volume down, and decided to go message Joe on the Unhinged Maniacs Plotting Thread . Damn if we weren't a mutual echo chamber for our own unhinged mannerisms, though.

Darkxwolf16: Hey Joe?

Isekai_Protagonist: Wassup?

Darkxwolf16: You busy?

Isekai_Protagonist: In the midst of designing a gun to fire my Dysentery Darts, but that can wait.

Darkxwolf16: You're STILL on the "shit yourself" virus?

Isekai_Protagonist: Don't tell anyone, because Doll told me in confidence, but she hasn't used the bathroom for close to a month now. I'm assuming it's Solver nonsense, but I want a ranged option to test my Dysentery Darts on a MD so I don't have to get up close if they don't actually work.

Darkxwolf16: You are REALLY committed to making that work.

Isekai_Protagonist: DUH!

Isekai_Protagonist: It's FUNNY, Uzi!

I laughed to myself. Joe really was just like that.

Darkxwolf16: Nah, I get it. That would be REALLY funny if it works. I respect the hustle for getting your inane unhinged projects to work. I do the same.

Isekai_Protagonist: Thanks Uzi.

Darkxwolf16: Also, my vocalizer is muted on cuz's bathroom problems, don't worry.

Isekai_Protagonist: I appreciate it.

Isekai_Protagonist: So what did you originally want to ask.

Darkxwolf16: You said our show was super popular, right?

Isekai_Protagonist: The Pilot literally had 69 million views the last time I checked.

Darkxwolf16: Nice!

Isekai_Protagonist: I know, lol!

Darkxwolf16: So… did people make fanfictions of the show? Were there, like… good ones?

Isekai_Protagonist: Quite a few, actually. I've read dozens, some of them crummy but funny, some of them full-length novels on their own, with an expanded universe and tons of original content sprinkled in as they filled the gaps in the Lore Liam Vickers-- the guy who came up with the show on the other side of the 4th Wall --didn't make himself.

Darkxwolf16: You got any particular examples?

Isekai_Protagonist: Where to start…

Isekai_Protagonist: You remember when I told you about the fanfic the group chat is named after?

Darkxwolf16: The Neglected Children of Outpost 3?

Isekai_Protagonist: Yeah, that one was LITERALLY my inspiration for trying to get the lot of you into a friend group as kids. Granted, I'd only INITIALLY planned to pick up Thad, Lizzy, you, and Doll, but I'd like to think I had the FULL realization that this was real and my actions would have knock-on effects around the same time Kelsey joined the party.

Isekai_Protagonist: But yeah, The Neglected Children of Outpost 3 by Dr_Fanatic on AO3 was a massive inspiration for my own plans here, and I will freely admit I literally internally called my plan to get everyone together "Operation: Literally The Neglected Children of Outpost 3." The implication that if Lizzy's dad was actually the Teacher (which wasn't actually canon btw, it was just a widely accepted fanon) could be neglectful through sheer apathy and that's what drove Lizzy to her canonical bitchiness meant that I wanted to take a shot at heading that off

Isekai_Protagonist: And also making sure she wouldn't end up in a headstate where she agreed to feed classmates to a Murder Drone as part of a revenge-plot. That was also important.

Darkxwolf16: You really are the kind of person to simultaneously do a nice thing for completely altruistic reasons AND completely to save your own ass, aren't you?

Isekai_Protagonist: Morality is relative.

Isekai_Protagonist: You're my friends. You'd want me to save civilians, so I'd try that to keep you happy even if I don't personally care that much about randos. Like, I don't WANT them to die, and I would feel a little guilty, but I wouldn't lose sleep over it. Does that make sense?

Darkxwolf16: Kinda messed up. But I'd be a hypocrite for calling you out over it considering how many humans I still wanna murder… if there's any still left.

Isekai_Protagonist: I'm also sympathetic to all the DDs. J included. I think she got shafted in canon, and if V could find some form of redemption, J deserved that chance too. Killing her sent her STRAIGHT back to the Solver. Gods know what it DID to her, and she only sided with it because she literally could not conceive a scenario where N, V, and a based angsty goth teen actually beat a planet-eating AI god.

Darkxwolf16: I… I get that. From what you've told me, she's kinda a bitch, but… she deserves help too.

Isekai_Protagonist: Fuck man, I'm really going for that perfect run, ain't I?

Darkxwolf16: What, do you have a plan to bring Tessa back from the dead or something?

Isekai_Protagonist: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe…

Darkxwolf16: DUDE ACTUALLY?!?

Isekai_Protagonist: I'm keeping that under wraps. You know, risk of possession and all that.

Darkxwolf16: Damnit!

Darkxwolf16: I get it, but still!

Isekai_Protagonist: Yeah, but it is what it is. Hopefully we can actually find and get to Cabin Fever early, and actually find Patch 2.1.8 as well. I'm also making sure we bring some data storage drives-- at LEAST two for every single person in the party, so that if someone DOES find the last copy of 2.1.8, they can IMMEDIATELY copy that shit to two separate storage drives.

Darkxwolf16: Smart.

Isekai_Protagonist: Yeah, but also a perfectly healthy amount of paranoia. Considering that… you know…

Darkxwolf16: There's literally an Eldritch Horror out to kill us?

Isekai_Protagonist: (sigh)

Isekai_Protagonist: Yeah. Anyways, next fic I can mention is one of my favorites: Drone Fortress, by Aregulargamer1, on SpaceBattles AND AO3 , followed Engi, an Isekai Protagonist who wasn't aware of the show, and found himself in a WAY less populated version of the Outpost to this one, and being a former human, started planning to take on and take DOWN the Murder Drones. Absolute insanity ensues, but The Bunker Must Grow. I LOVED that damn fic.

Darkxwolf16: Sounds hilarious.

Isekai_Protagonist: That timeline's Uzi had a BIT of a rough time. The… neglect wasn't as bad as canon or this timeline, but you had it rough right up until you snuck out the doors and bumbled into N, got a bunch of really high-end electronics to loot, and then Engi ran out to save you only to realize that you not only didn't need saving (from N at least), but that you had the fucking motherload of loot, and so he helped you drag it back in, you both shot the fuck out of V, and then Doll showed up-- who he totally rizzed up half by accident in the previous few arcs, kicked V's ass too, and then he totally Bullshat on the spot that it was all an intentional mission and that you were a hero to the Bunker. Maaaaaaaan, Engi was AWESOME.

Isekai_Protagonist: I'm… kinda actually upset that I'll never know what happened after Electrical 1.4. I know you met N offscreen, and that Aregulargamer intended for NUzi to sail, but I'll never get to see the end of it. And that fucking SUCKS, Uzi.

Darkxwolf16: Sorry to hear that. But hey, since the multiverse is real, there's a version of Aregulargamer that's reading US as a Sick As Hell Fanfic right now and having a blast doing so!

Isekai_Protagonist: Huh. I guess you're right. If there's versions of you reading this, hey man! Hope you're having a good one, dude! Hmmmm… Maybe I'll pour one out for the lads on Drone Fortress tonight. Maybe make some memes in honor of Thorison…

Darkxwolf16: Who?

Isekai_Protagonist: The one and only Meme Lord.

Darkxwolf16: Lol I can imagine you saying that in a SUPER SERIOUS tone and everything.

Isekai_Protagonist: Thanks, lol.

Darkxwolf16: So, we had a childhood slice of life ,an a Isekai without meta-knowledge, what else stuck out to you?

Isekai_Protagonist: Oh!

Isekai_Protagonist: Assimilation of the Realm of Death, by PurpleGrassEater on Spacebattles and AO3 as well, a Mass Effect Xover that… well, I didn't get to see far enough for first contact, but the Solver was dialed up to 12 on the freaky Eldritch Bullshit factor, but you have a HILARIOUSLY antagonistic relationship of "Not actually enemies and have each other's backs but still totally hate each other." Also, I REALLY couldn't tell if Lizzy and Doll were a thing in that fic or not. And Lizzy was a ninja for some reason.

Darkxwolf16: HOW?!?

Isekai_Protagonist: Knowing would apparently defeat the purpose of Lizzy being a ninja.

Darkxwolf16: Damnit that makes sense!

Isekai_Protagonist: It does. And now I'll never know that Lizzy's sick Ninja Origin Story

Isekai_Protagonist: Anyways, next up was Sisters , by Pheonix_749. Khan adopts Doll after V's break-in, she becomes your sister in all but code, and things increasingly derail from there. Also, Tessa was literally the GOAT and The Only Thing The Solver Feared. REALLY freaking awesome story, and another one I'm sad I'll never see the end of. The expanded lore and Khan being the de-facto Emperor of all Worker Drones on Copper 9, that the Murder Drones KNEW BY NAME, was fucking hilarious. DAMN if the Khan-Lore in that timeline didn't go hard. Also… might be, like, the only fanfic I read where you don't end up with one or more Disassembly Drones, lol.

Darkxwolf16: I was about to remark on how AWESOME that timeline sounded, including dad of all people being a badass, but nope, that just turned me me right off.

Isekai_Protagonist: Really? The shipping is what killed it for you?

Darkxwolf16: YES! What, did that me end up with like, Thad or something?

Isekai_Protagonist: Thad… and possibly another male OC, in like a reverse harem?

Darkxwolf16: EW! I'm not into THAD! He's cool, like, SUPER cool, but NOT LIKE THAT!!!

Isekai_Protagonist: Chill! I didn't say you were!

Darkxwolf16: Fair. But what's next then?

Isekai_Protagonist: Absolute Warp Shenanigans. Warhammer 40k Xover, by RadiantVoid, over on SpaceBattles and AO3 .

Darkxwolf16: Oh robo-god that timeline is so boned.

Isekai_Protagonist: Considering that you and a not-evil Cyn as the Solver were working together with the Eldar AND the Necrons to throw hands with the Plague God in his own house to not only be able to return to your own galaxy, but also free Isha for the Eldar and so she could reverse biotransference on the Necrons, YEAH, I'd say that timeline is boned. Zorial was fucking based as hell though, AND that timeline's Uzi bagged her N AND V. And Radiant seemed to be aiming for a happy ending. They wrote a fucking kickass fic, and at the risk of sounding like I'm shilling out to our 4th Wall audience that HAS NO CONCEPT OF FUCKING PRIVACY, I'd recommend anyone over there goes and gives it a read. Hell, it probably finished after my Isekai…

Darkxwolf16: You know, I could have done without a reminder of the fact that there are potentially an infinite number of individuals across the multiverse watching our every move.

Isekai_Protagonist: I live with this knowledge every day Uzi. The trick is thinking of utterly unhinged bullshit to throw them off and get petty vengeance.

Darkxwolf16: LOL!

Darkxwolf16: Still, kudos to AWS Uzi though!

Isekai_Protagonist: Oh! One more really crazy fic comes to mind: Muder Drones: Integration , by AxisRouge. It was copied to his AO3, but was first and foremost like a CYOA on his Youtube Channel's Community Posts, where the audience voted what of a select number of choices to pick every time an update occurred, the story shaping according to the votes.

There was a knock on my room's door, and I saved my progress and shut off my 3D design program. "Uzi?" Dad's voice came from the other side of the door. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Darkxwolf16: I gtg. Dad needs something.

Isekai_Protagonist: Sure.

Isekai_Protagonist: Take care, Uzi.

Darkxwolf16: U too.

I closed the chat and walked up to the door, opening it. "Yeah dad?" I asked.

"Uzi…" dad trailed off. "I… I'm not exactly sure how to broach this, so… I'm sorry in advance if this gets awkward."

I felt my oil run cold. " Please don't tell me it's The Talk, dad!"

"Oh no!" he said. "Unless… do you need it?" he hedged, awkwardly. Even after a year, we still had a couple moments like this every now and then, and I internally cringed.

"NOPE!" I told him. "I am 100% good on that front, ask me about whatever else you were gonna ask instead!"

"Right," he said. "So, I want to make sure that I'm not just being a better father, but a better person , you know?"

"Yeah," I replied. "And like… I respect that, dad. Thanks for trying, even if it's hard sometimes."

"You're welcome, Uzi," he told me, and I fought down my instinctive urge to try and hide my blush or protest at my embarrassment. Being cringe was based as long as you owned up to it, Uzi. You're getting your character arc done before canon, damnit! "But while the whole anti-bullying campaign across Outpost 3 was nice and all, I still wanna do better by you and your friends. I actually went and remembered all their names now. Joseph, Doll, Elizabeth, though she goes by Lizzy, Trevor, Penny, Emily, Kelsey, Rebecca, Darren, and Thad, right?"

"Yeah," I gave him an actual smile.

"Hah!" he pumped his fist, and I resisted the urge to laugh with an overclock. "I mean, ahem ," he cleared his throat despite not needing to. "Anyways, I was thinking about all your friends, and how you've basically adopted Doll as your cousin again. And, I'm really proud of you for reaching out to her like that, but both that and you asking me to go to that Andrew fellow's funeral got me thinking, and I realized that in my rush to get Doors 2 and 3 built, I never paid my respects to Yeva and Mihkail."

OH SHIT, I thought, overclocking to hide my optics going hollow. Thank robo-god Joe gave me that poker-face gif.

Not noticing my hidden internal panic, dad continued. "I wanted to, because it's better to at least try to make up for that late than never, but I can't find any records of where they were laid to rest."

Oh this is bad , this is really bad, I thought. We are not ready for this, Doll is gonna freak out, she's gonna have a meltdown, and she has her Solver and has been training with it, oh robo-god she might accidentally kill people--

Dad cut off my thoughts, "Did your cousin happen to invite you to a private funeral, Uzi? I know you were… estranged for a while, but I just wanna know, and I don't want to bother Doll by heading over to her own hab in tomorrow morning to check in with her."

The only reason I wasn't outwardly panicking was my overclock. Dad's good intentions, from actual concern instead of Doors this time, was gonna cause a disaster at this rate. Yeah, cuz's reaction was my biggest concern, but it was gonna be so much harder, if not impossible, to bring back Aunt Yeva if they buried her, or worse, found organic remains and decided to melt the body in a panic!

Aloud, I said, "If there was, I wasn't invited to it," I said with a nervous grin that I really hoped he would miss.

Dad furrowed his digital brow. "Is that so?" he asked, mostly to himself. "Well, thanks for telling me that, Uzi, I'll leave you to things," he said, and he headed out of the room. I waited a few seconds and then cranked my enhanced audials up and followed him. Damn if Joe didn't build us to be able to move quietly in spite of our weight. I crept up to the door to dad's room, and put the side of my head up to it.

"...but there's no records of a public funeral, and she didn't have a private funeral that Uzi was invited to," I heard him muttering to himself. "We let the surviving family decide what to do with--" he cut himself off. "Oh robo-god ." he suddenly said, sounding horrified. "Oh please don't tell me that's the case!" I heard him beg to himself. "For… for three years ? What did I put that poor kid through?!?" he was getting louder, and I could barely hear his internal fans whirring. "Okay, Khan. Okay. Just… just take a breath. You… it's probably nothing. Doll probably just got rid of her dead parents without telling anyone, and definitely hasn't kept them in her own home for three years! " I was starting to panic again myself. "Just… I'll get together some WDF first thing in the morning, and we'll just do… a 'welfare check,' on her hab, just in case. It's probably nothing , and I'm overreacting." He chuckled to himself, slightly manic. "Oh robo-god, Nori would have scrapped me alive! First Uzi, and then Doll too? FUCK!" he shouted to himself, and I heard a fist pound against the wall.

I scrambled back, and overclocked for a moment. This was bad. This was really fucking bad . Not only the whole situation, but dad actually cursed, too. So… what would Joe do? Step one, overclock. Did that! Okay! Step two… what's the problem? Dad thinks Doll still has her dead parents in her home, and he's right ! And also, will be checking with multiple members of the WDF as backup tomorrow morning . That is really bad , I thought. Step three… probably internally scream, but then not do it because we're on a time limit here ! Okay… um… not Joe though. But! I thought, I can call him! He'll have some kind of plan for this! He plans for everything!

"Dad!" I called out, abusing the hell out of overclock to hide my panic.

There was the sound of sudden scrambling on the other side of the door. "Uzi?"

"I'm gonna head out! I wanna take a walk."

"Oh! Um, okay, Uzi. Take care!" he replied.

"Will do!" I freaking booked it out the door, and started heading straight for Doll's hab, and in the meantime, I opened up an audio-call to Joe, because this was freaking important .

_______

(Joseph)

"...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, I think that works," I muttered to myself as I closed the 3D design program for my Dysentery Dart Gun. Now I'd just have to fabricate and test the thing later.

As she waits at dawn,

Looking for a way,

To escape her lonely heart!

(Let them swallow you!)

I blinked as Bite Me (feat Zephyrianna) (Nightcore'd AGAIN) blasted on my internal speakers. That… that was my custom ringtone for Uzi (I was gonna give her the song for her next birthday, because apparently the double nightcore'd version didn't exist anywhere besides my own blackbox and my emergency Isekai Knowledge backup flashdrive I had in Vault 3 in case I died right now.) Why the hell was Uzi calling me not five minutes after she split?

I won't fall down, you need me!

We don't follow crowds, we mold them new!

I'm not done, believe me!

We won't settle down, we'll make them move!

Make them mine!

I picked up the call, and said, " Dimmi tutto --"

" Joe! " Uzi said in a hushed panic, "Dad's gonna find out about Doll's parents!"

FUCK.

"What do we do?!?" Uzi asked me.

DOUBLE FUCK!

I did not have a plan for this! I thought, So time to fucking make one! I overclocked so I could do precisely that. Okay, step one! DO NOT PANIC! Step two, figure out the timeframe I have to work with and the details!

"What's going on, how long do we have to do something about it, where are you, and should I start heading to Doll's house now?" I shot back, one after the other.

"Uuuuuuh," Uzi trailed off, clearly panicked, and then snapped back half a second later, (likely after having overclocked. "Dad was asking me about Doll's parents having a funeral, and I overheard him talking to himself that he was gonna send a WDF 'wellness check' to her hab tomorrow morning . I'm on the way to cuz's hab right now, and yes , you should come too!"

I dropped everything I was doing, checked my pockets to make sure all my miscellaneous bullshit was where it needed to be, grabbed my entrenching tool, and started running as fast as a Worker Drone could reasonably be expected to run. "On the way!" I told her. "I'm inviting Doll and Liz to the call!" Internally, I was fucking mad at myself again. "This is my fucking fault," I said over the call as I ran. I butterflied this into happening by fixing your home life." Less than a tenth of a second passed before I added, "I don't regret doing that, mind you, but fuck me in a non-sexy way if this isn't really goddamn inconvenient for both Doll's shaky mental stability and our mechromancy plans."

"Tell me about it!" Uzi shot back. "I get dad's coming from a caring place right now, but we did not need this!"

"Right, calling your cousin and the total disaster bisexual who also knows about the bodies," I said.

Uzi started laughing as I started ringing them up, and then ran in overlock to figure out a gameplan. It was currently 14:35 in the morning, so we had this afternoon and evening to think something up, and then tonight to enact a plan. Priority one was making sure Khan did not find the bodies. One day was not enough time to sneak over enough construction equipment to make a secret chamber in the floor or something to hide them, and Khan wasn't coming alone. The next idea that came to mind was "attempt mechromancy tonight," but I threw that out because that was too much on top of what was already going on and we had no clue if it'd actually work. I had high hopes , but hope was the first step on the road to disappointment, and going off half-cocked and desperate was a recipe for disaster. So that realistically left options 3 and 4: Own up to it, which was a non-option because Doll would likely have a total meltdown and with her Solver active that would be liable to result in bodies , which only really left option 4: Smuggle the bodies to somewhere else tonight . The lair was an option, but we'd have to cross much more ground through populated areas to reach it, even if the tail-end of the journey wouldn't have that problem. I pinned that as a "maybe." Our friends' habs were discarded just as quickly because they either wouldn't understand fast enough, still had parents, or both. Maybe if I didn't have the lair to fall back on, I'd consider Rebecca's as a last resort. So that left… huh… Taylor did just install a Khan-grade door on my hab… and Uzi and I threw in some of our own encryptions with CAPTCHAs on top of that. Yeah, it was a door , but I think even Khan might have some trouble with that… more importantly, the WDF had already searched my hab in the past, so I had a plausible reason for them to not search it again .

That could work. So… plan: Break this to Dolly and Liz, deal with Doll freaking out without getting mulched by her Solver (so, send in Uzi first because she's non-interactive), run to the lair, come back tonight with the trolley I used to carry power cells, tie Yeva and Mikhail down to it, smuggle them over to my hab tonight… I'm forgetting something… what am I forgetting?!? I wracked my processors, and I looked around in the real world as everything ran in ludicrously slow motion between one second and the next, and--

THERE WERE SECURITY CAMERAS! I realized as I saw one! Plan a route, get Uzi to hack all the cameras between my lair, Doll's hab, Doll's hab and my hab, and then my hab and my lair, so I can smuggle the trolley to her hab and then back to the lair from mine, then do the rest of the plan! Right! I thought. That's a plan! We can fucking do it!

All this occurred in the span of a sixth of a second, before the first ring on the calls to Doll and Lizzy even rang out. I stayed in overclock, composed the plan to a message, and then shot it to Uzi via DM.

There was another half second as she parsed through it, and then she verbally replied. "Holy crap, that might actually work!"

"Yeah, kinda surprised myself with it," I admitted.

"You came up with that just now?!?"

"Contrary to popular belief, I don't always have a plan for everything. I'm just really good at putting one together when I can literally cheat 10 minutes of relative time to think in the span of less than a second!"

"You know what, it's a good plan, so I'll respect that, because I wasn't gonna come up with anything better."

" Joe ?" Doll asked as she picked up.

"Like, what's up?" Lizzy asked. "Did you call me and Dolly for some kind of secret confession or something?"

"What?!?" I shouted because Jesus fuck, Lizzy!

"What?" Uzi asked.

" What ?" Doll asked.

"Oh, you wanna include Uzi too? I mean, I thought you weren't into her, but I don't mind ," she said.

"CALM YOUR HORNY ASS DOWN LIZZY!" Uzi shouted.

"Yeah, I'm just gonna ignore that and address the actually time-sensitive important stuff," I said.

"Dad was asking about whether or not you held a private funeral for your parents, cuz," Uzi said.

" What ?" I could hear the blatant fear in Doll's tone, and that made me wince even while I was still running.

"What?" Lizzy asked, almost as concerned.

"Dad wanted to know if you had a private funeral for Aunt Yeva and Uncle Mikhail," Uzi reiterated. "He wanted to pay his respects."

" It was private ," Doll said, still sounding plainly nervous. "I only invited Lizz."

"Doll," I said, trying to keep empathy in my tone. "I know Dr. Hayden told me that they were letting survivors decide what to do with the bodies."

"Yeah, so we just decided to bury them quietly," Lizzy defended.

Uzi shut that right down with, "Dad can't find any records of a funeral for Yeva and Mikhail or a spot where they were laid to rest."

Silence on Doll's end of the line, beyond cooling fans whirring faster than normal.

"We… uh…" Lizzy was also panicking.

"Doll, you haven't let anyone besides Liz into your hab since the day that Murder Drone broke in." I could hear Doll starting to hyperventilate on the other end of the call, and Lizzy was just sputtering as she tried to come up with something. I felt like shit for being the one to need to deliver the nail in the coffin here (ironic, considering our mechromancy plans), but first I pinged Uzi on the UMPT .

Isekai_Protagonist: You at Doll's hab?

Darkxwolf16: Just got there. Hacking the door now.

Isekai_Protagonist: Be ready for her to freak out. You're the only person safe from her Solver if she uses it in a panic.

Darkxwolf16: Got it.

Aloud, I said, "Doll? I mean this in the nicest way possible, and I want to clarify that I'm not going to immediately tell someone if you say yes… but do you still have your parents IN YOUR HOME ?!?"

One second. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. I was still running for Doll's hab, almost there, at eight seconds when--

" Don't tell anyone! Please don't tell anyone! You can't let them take Mama and Papa away from me! Please, please, please , I'm sorry but I can't, I, I, I-- cuz ?!?"

"It's okay Doll!" I heard Uzi over both lines, "It's kinda really messed up but you're still my cousin and I'm not telling anyone!"

I heard Doll breaking down as I rounded a corner to the corridor Doll's hab was in. "Liz, get your ass over here," I said, and then hung up. I could hear Doll still sobbing as I got closer, slipped in, and shut the door behind me, taking a look at the place for the first time. It was… surprisingly cleaner than canon, thank fuck. No robo-roaches, no stains. It only looked a little dusty, and I wondered if that was a knock-on effect of my doings. At least there weren't any bodies , which I knew was a knock-on effect of my doings, and something I was supremely glad I'd managed to make sure Doll never had to go through. In the living room, I saw Doll sobbing into Uzi's shoulder as the shorter drone held onto her.

" I can't lose Mama and Papa, I can't lose Mama and Papa, " I heard Doll getting out over and over between sobs. I took in a breath, and glanced across the living room--

Yeah… that was her parents, alright . Both had a bullet hole right in the middle of their visors, and Mikhail had three puncture marks matching V's claws in his upper torso too, which… I don't think we got a clear view of him post-death from canon, because N was in the way during that shot, but the shot of the moment right before his death in canon meant that the claws were probably what killed him, and V just put a round through his head afterwards. A glance at Yeva showed the same hole through her head that I expected, and though her CF placard was in the way, it didn't look like there was a hole in her upper torso. I crossed my fingers and really hoped that I could bring her back later. I knew hope was the first step on the road to disappointment, but fuck , I wanted to give this to Doll.

Darkxwolf16: She had her Solver out when I came in. I'm fine, because non-interactive. Good call on telling me to go in first.

I gave Uzi a nod as she looked up at me when sending that message, and walked over to her and Doll, setting myself down and hugging the latter as well. She kept crying for several minutes, and only really started to calm down just a few seconds before the front door opened and Lizzy came running in.

"Dolly?" She got out, panting because of exertion while I could hear her fans whirring to remove heat from her internal hardware faster. "What's--" She took one look at the scene and ran in as well, sliding down and wrapping Doll in a hug as well.

" Don't… " she kept sniffling, " Please don't let them take Mama and Papa away from me, " she begged.

I took a breath. Alright, I thought. Just… gotta handle this delicately but also blunt enough to get everyone moving ASAP. And then smuggle two bodies, one of which might not actually be fully dead, all the way over to my hab. I sighed. Just another fucking day in the life of an Isekai Protagonist, I guess. "Doll?" I broached.

She stiffened up, and I saw red flicker around her hand for a moment. I only suppressed my instinctive flinch via overclock. Lizzy didn't, and Uzi was caught off guard enough that she didn't either. " Joe… " she whispered, looking at me with hollow optics. Fuck man, this made me feel like shit . " Please don't-- "

"We gotta move them." I cut her off.

"What?" Uzi asked, less surprised that I said it and more so that I went straight to it.

"What?" Lizzy asked, clearly confused.

" What ?" Doll asked me, blinking a few times because she absolutely wasn't expecting me to say that of all things.

"Well, Dolly," I started, "you have Robot Cthulhu Satan powers and are very emotionally unstable right now. If something… happens to your parents, you are liable to have a nervous breakdown. And that is liable to result in…" I spent a moment in overclock to try and find a better word, and then decided that blunt might actually be the play here, " Casualties… " Doll tesned up. "But I platonically love you to bits, so I don't want that to happen, because that would be awful for everyone. So… despite the… everything that is wrong with this whole situation, I'm down to hide your parents somewhere else before Khan metaphorically kicks down your door."

" You… what ?" she managed.

I sucked in a breath. "Look… I have a lot of things I'd like to say right now about… your parents," was the term I went with after cheating via overclock, "But I did promise that I wouldn't judge you for whatever mess was in your hab. I will admit that it's one fucking hell of a mess, but… not judging! So, rather than unpack this, I'm just gonna ask if it's okay to try and smuggle your parents to my hab tonight."

"Joe," Liz said. "I know you're like, weird, and do weird stuff all the time, but even from you , WHAT THE FUCK?!?"

"I will reiterate: Doll is not going to handle Khan finding…" I trailed off and just gestured a hand at the bodies in the room. "She isn't gonna handle that well."

"I overheard dad say he was planning a 'welfare check' on you tomorrow moring. He's actually got… like, good reasons for once, but really didn't need this today," Uzi said.

" T-t-t-t-tt-t-ttt--tom- " Doll's solver was flickering in her hand and Lizzy and I both yelped as we were locked in place.

" DOLL CALM DOWN! " I shouted in Russian. " WE'RE GONNA HELP YOU!!! " Doll was taking shaky breathes and trying not to start hyperventilating as she tried to calm down. "I swapped back to English. "I already got a plan! The WDF already searched my hab once before, they don't got a reason to do it again," I told her, clapping a hand on her shoulder in the four drone hug I was in and rubbing my thumb in circles against her back. "We smuggle your folks over to my hab in the dead of night tonight. I got great encryption on my hab, and the door is made out of Khan-grade stuff now. Hell, Andrew's parents had a public funeral, and they found nothing back then even when I was hiding the thing I used to knock a bunch of people out there, so it'll be fine!" Fuck man, if only Taylor knew the irony of that birthday present now .

" You're… you're gonna help me ?" she asked, still shaky. " You're gonna make sure that they won't take Mama and Papa from me ?"

"Cuz, not gonna lie, this is super freaking messed up ," Uzi said, "But unscrew it, we got your back!"

"Operation: Hide the Bodies is a go!"

" Joe ." Doll leveled a shaky deadpan at me.

"Not appropriate?" I asked.

" No ," she said, but then her expression broke, " But thank you so much for this. I… I can't… I can't thank you enough. I, I didn't think you'd understand, and I'm sorry for hiding it, but-- "

Lizzy snrked . We all looked at her. "I'm sorry Dolly, but… it was kinda funny in a fucked up way."

"Oh thank robo-god seeing the morbid humor in that wasn't just me," Uzi said.

Doll looked decidedly betrayed for just a moment, and then her expression broke. " I didn't think you'd understand ," she addressed Uzi and I again.

"You're my friend , Dolly," I told her. "I look out for my friends." And I also really want to make sure that Khan doesn't fuck up our mechromancy plans, was a thought I kept to myself, because fucking hell, I really want to give you your mom back.

"You're my cousin in every way but code, Doll," Uzi said. "We're helping you out with this."

"Do you even need to ask me, Dolly?" Lizzy said.

Doll sniffled again, but this time, she was smiling. " Thank you… thank you all so much. "

"We got your back," I told her. "So! Let's discuss this gameplan…"

_________

Night rolled around, Uzi hacked every single camera on our routes to loop footage flawlessly (she was wirelessly connected to the Quantum PC in Vault 2 and was having the time of her life with it), and I'd brought my trolley over from the lair. We'd already moved all of the oil from Doll's hab over to mine at this point (with a few extra thermoses still on her right now because it would be more efficient to just take those with her on this last trip), as well as the knives that Doll collected as birthday presents over the years, so in terms of contraband, it was really only the bodies left that needed to be moved. Uzi herself was already over at my hab, because I had a quantum comms relay hidden in a wall over there. She was monitoring her hacked security feeds from there, ready to tell us about any possible late night walkers as we got ready to go at 1 in the morning. Lizzy was running lookout slightly ahead of us, and Doll and I had carefully strapped the bodies of her parents down to my trolley, and then covered them with a blanket that we also strapped down, so we were ready to get this going. Still, Doll hesitated at the front door to her hab.

" Are… are you sure we're not gonna get caught ?" she asked me, Lizzy turning back to give her a concerned look.

"Dolly," I told her, "We can't leave your parents here, and this is our best timeframe to go. It'll be fine, and I'll make sure of it."

Doll gave me an intense , and equally vulnerable stare for a few moments, before she gave a small nod. " I trust you, Joe ," she said, and that… kinda stung, considering that I was still lying about who I really was to her. Outwardly, I didn't react to that because overclock, but still…

"Let's go, then," I said. "Liz, you're up."

"We got this, Dolly!" she said as an encouragement, prompting a smile from the Russian, before she slipped out the door. We gave her 20 seconds to take a look and get ahead, and then she DM'd us an all-clear, so I opened the door, gave Doll one last moment to steel herself, and then we got going.

Hurriedly pushing along a trolley with two bodies on it in the dead of night and desperately hoping not to get caught by a random late-night stroller was definitely nerve-wracking, but… oddly anticlimactic since there wasn't actually anyone out for the first half of the trip. I was not fucking complaining about that, mind you, but still, the lack of any actual issues created a very weird juxtaposition with what we were doing. And we were about two thirds the way to my hab when that suddenly changed.

Darkxwolf16: REALLY late night stroller on an intercept course with you. Trying to reroute you guys…

Darkxwolf16: Crap, there's like 6 guys drunk as hell off gas on the next best route.

Darkxwolf16: Liz, run distraction, Joe, PLEASE think of something FAST.

I actually heard the guy before Lizzy intercepted him, because he was literally singing , "I'm taking a late night strooooooooll~! I'm taking a late night stroooooooooll~! I'm walkin' around at one-ay-em! Becaaaaaaause Iiiiiiii caaaaaaaan~!" Gods fucking damnit if the average WD doesn't piss me off sometimes , I thought. Doll started hyperventilating while I heard Lizzy try and distract the dude, so I did what I always did when faced with a problem since my Isekai: blatantly cheat at life via overclock so I could spend like 10 minutes of relative time over the next actual second to figure out what the fuck to do.

So, problem: can't reroute because drunk idiots on the alternate route, and there's an idiot about to stumble across us. We have bodies on a trolley. Technically hidden, but I don't want anyone to be able to say they saw us wheeling a covered trolley in the middle of the night. Task we need to accomplish: Hide the Bodies while already attempting to Hide the Bodies. Idea 1: Hide in side room. Rejected: they're all habs that are occupied. Idea 2: Use light-speed processing to binge a bunch of spy movies for stupid ideas that might just work. I tuned up my overclock appropriately, and did just that, skipping anything that didn't involve actual "spy stuff." Very quickly, I came across an important fact that humans didn't tend to look up . I deduced that this would likely extend to drones, especially given general WD incompetence. I looked up myself thanks to my hardware overclocks, and saw that we had some high ceilings in this corridor. I snapped my gaze back down, crunched some numbers based on the dimensions of the trolley and the bodies on top of it, and realized there was enough room that if it was raised to the ceiling, it'd be hidden as long as no one looked up. Viable idea, but new problem: We needed to get the trolley up there . Idea: Doll uses her Solver. The trolley itself is interactive, so I don't need to worry that Yeva might not be. That could work, but newer problem: Oil consumption. Idea: Have Doll chug all the oil she was carrying and then just lift the whole damn trolley until we can get this guy to fuck off. Viability? Reasonable. Other plans? Distinctly lacking. Assessment: Fucking go for it. I opened a DM to Doll.

Isekai_Protagonist: Doll

Isekai_Protagonist: Chug all the oil you can

Isekai_Protagonist: And lift the trolley up to the ceiling and hold it there.

Isekai_Protagonist: Hide the hand you use in your pocket.

Isekai_Protagonist: Then use your other hand to pretend we're playing rock-paper-scissors

Isekai_Protagonist: Trust me

Isekai_Protagonist: I have a plan

Doll snapped her gaze over me as I slapped all those messages one after the other in a single second, but didn't question how I did that so fast (to be fair, I could rationalize that as thought-to-text) and instead started downing oil like her parent's bodies depended on it-- which they kinda did. One thermos. Two. Three. Lizzy's voice was getting louder, and she did an amazing job of hiding her increasing desperation as she tried to deflect the oncoming idiot, but he wasn't listening, and I'd known her long enough to tell she was borderline panicking. Four. Five. They were just around the corner. Six. Doll let her Solver flare to life with a [TRANSLATE], it picked up the trolley, and lifted the whole thing up to the ceiling. Doll shoved her active hand into her pocket a moment later, and turned around to me--

Isekai_Protagonist: Disguise gif on your optics Dolly!

--Her Solver was also hidden from her eyemotes a moment later, and then we started pretending to play rock paper scissors. I was also using one hand, the other in my pocket as I held my pen-light. Plan B was to bootloop and kidnap the dumbass, have Uzi hack him, and wipe his memories of the incident.

Lizzy and some random worker with neon cyan optics and a nondescript black shirt and a white jacket with brown hair that barely poked past his grey hardhat came around the corner a moment later. Poor Liz looked like she was about to drop an ingot past her skirt from how panicked she was, but the idiot completely missed that, and then Lizzy took a look at us and got really confused because she didn't look up either .

Isekai_Protagonist: For the love of all that is holy, DO NOT LOOK UP

Was sent to Lizzy and Doll both. Lizzy almost did, but snapped her gaze straight ahead just before she could. "Oh hey, what are you two kids doing?" the rando asked us.

"Late Night Rock-Paper-Scissors Tournament," I blurted out.

"Cool! Can I join?" I am so simultaneously relieved and disappointed that he just fucking bought that , I thought.

" N-no! " Doll said, " Kids only !"

"Darn!" he said. "Well, then, I'm off to continue my stroll then."

Кукла: Joe.

Кукла: Lifting this much is draining oil FAST.

Кукла: I took my TIME with stuff like your present.

Кукла: I haven't tried THIS much all at once.

Isekai_Protagonist: Hold it together Dolly.

Isekai_Protagonist: Do it for your parents.

Isekai_Protagonist: You got this. I believe in you

I saw Doll clench her jaw as the guy walked past. I could hear her fans whir louder and louder as he went down the hall. Doll started exhaling steam. He was halfway to the corner of the corridor behind us. Lizzy finally looked up and sucked in a breath. Doll started steaming herself, the frost built up on the floor around her beginning to melt. He was almost gone. Doll was breathing faster, and starting to sway. Doll was sweating digital bullets.

He finally rounded the corner--

Isekai_Protagonist: GENTLY put them down. No bang to grab attention.

Doll raised both hands, shaking and steaming as she panted out huffs of steam, and slowly lowered the trolley until it touched down. A moment after it gently landed, Doll's knees buckled and she fell over, groaning as she was shaking. I was just fast enough to catch her arm and slow her fall from anything painful, but holy shit she was burning up. Checking my thermal feed had her light up like the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, and I was pouring my own thermos down her throat in just seconds. I could hear the oil sizzling as it slithered down past her mouth. She was still uncomfortably hot though, so I reached for the pocket that had the oil vial in it--

Lizzy handed me another thermos. I looked up at her and blinked, genuinely nonplused. To her credit, Liz was only blushing a little bit as she said, "After the last two times Dolly had an episode but you had a thermos on hand, I siphoned some extra from myself one week to fill my own emergency thermos. I was a bit light-headed for a couple days, but I kept it hidden from you well enough with my acting skills. Pretty neat, huh, Joe?" She smiled at me, not an embarrassed crush kinda smile, but an actual one at having slipped something by me, because I hadn't been checking her on my thermal feed ever since we got Doll a stable oil supply. She really did slip this by me, and I was impressed.

And also a bit embarrassed, because I could feel the grey hash-marks creeping up my visor because I'd been so caught off-guard I forgot to overclock, despite how reflexive the action had become to me. "Nice job Liz," I said, honest, and took the thermos and started pouring that down Doll's throat as well. She finally started to cool and breathe easier.

Lizzy grinned at me, like, really grinned, happy that she finally embarrassed me, and twisted her head to toss her hair. "I know, I'm awesome like that."

Darkxwolf16: I've been watching. Rest of your route is 100% clear RN. Is cuz okay?

Doll stopped groaning, but she still wasn't responsive.

Isekai_Protagonist: Not responsive, but mostly cool. Have two oil thermos' ready when we get to my hab. Be ready to open the door too. I'll carry her.

Darkxwolf16: Copy that.

I was in my upgraded frame now, so strength wasn't really a factor for something like this. I gently picked Doll up, slinging her over one shoulder, while starting to push the trolly with my remaining hand. Lizzy's blush got a bit worse at the sight of that, but she shook her head, put on her game-face and started checking ahead of us again as I literally solo carried Doll and her parents the rest of the way to my hab. I even reigned in my internal screaming because I needed a level head for this.

Thank fucking robo-god, we got to my hab without incident, Uzi let us in, and she poured more oil down Doll's throat as Liz and I respectively set up Doll's parents on the bed Andrew's parents used to use. Fuck me in a non-sexy way, this was ironic. Five minutes after we arrived, I was trudging back out into the rest of my hab with Lizzy in tow, and saw Uzi in the kitchen with Doll at least sitting up in a chair, optics hazy and holding another oil thermos in hand.

"Done and dusted," I told her in a gentle tone.

She blearily looked up at me. " Mama… and Papa… they're safe ?"

" Yeah, Dolly, " I told her in Russian. " They're safe. You did great. "

She giggled a bit, and then slumped to the side in her chair. Uzi caught her and the thermos she'd been holding, and a look at Doll's visor displayed Cyrillic text that translated to [Conked TF Out]. Lizzy started quietly giggling, and I took a screenshot for my "Wholesome Murder Drones Isekai Adventure" album, because damn , Doll looked adorable all tuckered out like she did right now.

"So now what?" Uzi whispered.

" You sneak home and hope your dad didn't notice you were out," I told her, "Liz, come with me, I gotta bring Doll home, so that Khan doesn't wonder why she was sleeping at someone else's hab tonight. Gonna be strange if she's not there when he comes knocking. Also… you have a key…"

"Got it," she said, keeping her game face on. I still caught her muttering, "And watching you carry her is kinda hot." Uzi didn't tease me for once, and just gave Liz a "really?" side-eye look that had her squeak and blush in embarrassment as I made no outward reaction so that I could pretend I didn't hear that. Man, thank the gods Doll didn't also have a crush on me. We checked that everything was in order at my hab one last time, and then we brought Doll home, laid her in bed, and I sent Liz off while I went to sneak my trolley back to my lair. I got home after that and passed the fuck out myself. I'd check Yeva in more detail to verify the integrity of her upper torso later, when I wasn't dealing with way too much stress and emotional baggage.

________

I loitered just out of view of Doll's hab the next morning. I had the distinct feeling that even with nothing incriminating there, the WDF coming into her house after last night and her literally passing out was gonna cause her some bad stress. Still, I waited until my enhanced audials actually picked up the sound of a multitude of footsteps to duck around the corner and send a DM to Doll.

Isekai_Protagonist: Wake up Dolly.

A few seconds of pause, and then:

Кукла: Wha?

Isekai_Protagonist: You got incoming.

Кукла: NOW?!?

Isekai_Protagonist: Remember. Everything's fine, and you don't have to say ANYTHING.

Isekai_Protagonist: You were out last night, I wanted to let you rest.

Кукла: You… you PROMISE they're not gonna figure it out.

Isekai_Protagonist: We were thorough.

Isekai_Protagonist: Keep your mouth shut, and if Khan asks, you can be justifiably defensive that he's only caring NOW, and that you don't want him to show up so late after you privately laid your parents to rest. Okay?

I heard the footsteps way closer. I checked my internal sonar (something I needed to get more used to), and had a great view of Khan and about 6 other WDF approaching Doll's hab, including Taylor but thankfully not the legal moron whose name I never bothered to learn. I watched a still sleepy Doll greet them, feign surprise, and then actually nervously let them into her home. I waited as I used my sensor suite and DMs from Doll to "watch" as they combed through her hab, found nothing amiss, Khan talked with Doll one on one for a bit, and then they all left about a half hour after arriving. I watched them actually leave, waited for them all to round a corner, and then headed over myself. I knocked on the door, dropped a DM that it was me, and a few seconds later, Doll opened it and then glomped onto me, shaking and shivering.

" That was too close, " she whispered. " That was way too close. " She hugged me tighter, and then released a shuddering breath. " Uncle Khan looked really guilty when I told him what you said to… and he offered to let me live with cuz… I… I didn't want to have my hab abandoned, and he said that he'd leave it in my name, but I could still live with Uzi. He has a guest room he could set up for me. I said I wanted to have a few days to think about it. " She looked me in the optics. " Thank you so much, Joe. Thank you, and Uzi, and Liz so much for this. I don't have words to describe how thankful I am to you all right now ," she breathed out.

I pat her on the back a few times. "You wanna sit down inside? I can tell Uzi and Liz to come over."

She nodded, and then let go, a bit hesitant as I followed her in. We sat down at her table as I DM'd Uzi and Lizzy to come over. Doll… didn't calm down as I stood next to her, her breathing actually starting to get faster as her eyemotes started to ring out. I gave her another hug as soon as she started muttering, " Too close ," as a mantra. She was staring past me and starting to hyperventilate as her internal fans whirred at manic speeds. She suddenly latched onto me again, and changed tracks to " Thank you thank you thank you thank you ," and my no-longer extant heart was bleeding for this poor freaking girl.

I ran a thumb along her back. "I got you, Dolly," I told her, "You'll be fine as long as I can do anything about it." I was gonna take a closer look at Yeva tonight at the absolute latest. I wanted to be able to give her mom back to her almost as much as I wanted to find the Patch for her, or stop the Solver outright. "I got you. I'm here."

She started to sniffle, and then they turned into ugly sobs, and were starting to become outright wails as Lizzy opened the front door, took one look, and ran in and offered her own hug. I could (thankfully) tell that this one was purely out of concern for her friend as a friend, rather than anything else. Uzi was there a few moments later, and we all just offered Doll the best group hug we could manage until she burnt herself out… fuck man, I wish I had the time to have breakdown on that kinda scale , I thought. Uzi pinged me while Doll finally calmed down for real, and we had an overclocked conversation over the UMPT .

Darkxwolf16: So we LITERALLY have Aunt Yeva in your hab now.

Isekai_Protagonist: Yeah.

Darkxwolf16: And we can't try SHIT without telling Doll about the Isekai stuff, because we aren't sure that Mechromancy (that name is HILARIOUS btw) will actually WORK, and if it DOESN'T, Doll will have a meltdown, and probably hate us both.

Isekai_Protagonist: Also, if she flips out bad enough, she's liable to kill me by accident. That's important, Uzi.

Darkxwolf16: Oh.

Darkxwolf16: Right.

Darkxwolf16: Forgot you don't have Plot Armor against Robot Cthuhu Satan.

Isekai_Protagonist: Can't tell ya what, but I do got IDEAS to work around that.

Darkxwolf16: Looking forward to seeing what you cook up dude.

Darkxwolf16: You're seriously more unhinged than I am sometimes.

"So…" I broached when Doll finally settled down after crying herself out of all her emotions again. "I think we should probably leave Doll's parents at my hab."

" Huh? " Doll glanced at me, dregs of synthetic adrenaline (or whatever the fucking equivalent of that in our systems was) running through her systems.

"Do you want to try smuggling them back ?" I asked her.

Her optics hollowed. " That's a good point ," she said.

"Plus, like, Joe doesn't have people over often, but he's had them over, so the WDF doesn't have a reason to go looking in his hab again," Liz added.

"And no one really has a reason to want to enter, especially without my permission. Not until my birthday anyways," I threw in. "And I could always ask Thad to throw the party at his place. He's cool like that."

"He is," Uzi agreed. "Also, I talked to my dad before heading over here. He, uh, he was really relieved to not find your parents. I, uh… I don't think I would have realized that without the context I had and all the social queues I've been picking up from all of you, and I… actually feel really guilty considering we just lied to him like that, but… he's way calmer after that."

"Also, my hab has a Khan-grade door and Uzi-tier encryptions with CAPTCHAs baked in, so I don't think anyone's breaking in either," I concluded.

Doll nodded. " That… that all makes sense. You're right again, Joe, " she told me. " You were also right to use the trolley, because I wouldn't have been able to lift Mama with my Solver because she's non-interactive. "

I overclocked. Uzi did too apparently, because she pinged me on the UMPT not a millisecond later.

Darkxwolf16: HOLY CRAP, SHE'S ACTUALLY ALIVE?!?

Isekai_Protagonist: SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK, SHE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE ALIVE!!!

Darkxwolf16: LOL

Isekai_Protagonist: LMAO

Darkxwolf16: Same damn reaction.

Isekai_Protagonist: Great minds think alike.

Isekai_Protagonist: Fuck man, we REALLY can't do shit without being SUPER fucking sus though.

Darkxwolf16: I KNOW! I just wanna try bringing my aunt back from the dead already!!!

Isekai_Protagonist: Fuck!

Darkxwolf16: Fuck!

Isekai_Protagonist: Fuck!

Darkxwolf16: Fuck!

Isekai_Protagonist: Fuck!

Darkxwolf16: Fuck!

Isekai_Protagonist: lol

Darkxwolf16: lol

Isekai_Protagonist: We're fucking menaces.

Darkxwolf16: Totally.

Isekai_Protagonist: The SECOND she figures out Solver regen, though, we're gonna try to shift the subject to it, though.

Darkxwolf16: Hell yes.

Aloud, after less than a second passed, I waited for the rest of said second to pass before I said, "Damn, it's a good thing I'm paranoid as fuck and think of stuff like this in advance."

Darkxwolf16: And by that you mean blatantly cheat at life with overclocks and metaknowledge.

Isekai_Protagonist: 110% yes.

Darkxwolf16: lol

"We'll keep our mouths shut, cuz," Uzi told Doll.

" Thank you both again. You too, Liz. Thank you so much. I… I can't describe how thankful I am to you three for this ," Doll reiterated.

"We all got you, Dolly," Liz said. "We always will."

Internally, I let out a massive fucking sigh of relief, because holy fuck , I'd just averted a disaster right here. I resolved that as soon as Doll was in a mental state were it would be okay to leave, I'd just go home and do fuck all while I crashed out for the rest of the day, and tried not to think about the bodies now in my house. I'd check on Yeva tonight.

Just another fucking day in the life of an Isekai Protagonist, huh? I thought to myself, and had to overclock to keep the sardonic grin off my face.