World Boss: Break the Narrative

I was given just over an hour of time in the warmth to decompress. So… barbecued snow lion ribs… are mid. It turns out cat meat is not like beef or pork, and cooking the same doesn’t work. No Idea why the Lion’s Share’s Pot produced good food. Okay good is a stretch. It was bland, but the ribs… they tasted of sadness, and dry grit.

Fuck snow lions.

I took another bite. If they were gonna eat me, I was absolutely gonna eat them. Balance the scales.

Like I said, the era of low stakes and no responsibility did not last. What broke the peace? Mobs? An angry god? More violence from the Mandir?

Nope. it was a truly irresitable force, thirst.

Rachel had shown up and informed me both her soldiers, and a large number of goblins wanted to cash in on my offers of a swingers night.

Not how I would phrase things, but we had come too far… stop giggling.

“What are we doing?” Spine asked.

“Creating a… space to handle this.” I paused, and looked at Spine, “Aren’t you kinda young to be here?”

Spine eyed me. He knew he had been caught, but he also knew I was stupid, “Outside? There isn’t really a minimum age for that Doug.”

“You know what I mean,” I insisted. I really didn’t want to go into frank specifics about sex with him, or the majority of people for that matter.

“I do, but it is funnier to mess with you,” Spine punched my leg, “besides this is going to be funny as hell.”

“You always take me to the nicest places,” Angelica observed. She watched the crowd with a dubious look on her face.

I shrugged. We kept heading toward the chimera soldiers camp. Once we got to the center of the crowd, I nearly stopped in my tracks. I had to fight not to laugh. It is wrong to laugh at people, but hear me out. They were lined up standing in at-ease staring across a gap of roughly a hundred feet to look at a horde of goblins. Two of the chimera soldiers were in what appeared to be dress uniforms. Their clothes were dark black with red highlights and gold buttons. Think more sith lord rather than Nazi. The rest had clearly tried to clean up and look more presentable to a lesser degree. Two of them had clearly just showered, and because of the cold now had helmets of frozen solid ice-hair. Then there were the three in their underwear. I get the idea. If you have a strong, tone body you can flaunt the aesthetically pleasing nature of it. That said it was super cold and they clearly regretted this choice.

I am pretty sure they weren’t gonna die…pretty sure.

Then there were the goblins. They had clearly approached this with a similar mindset. Just less restraint or maybe focus. It is a bit hard to say. The first obvious difference between the goblin and the Chimera soldiers was head count. For each Chimera soldier …participating… in this endeavor there were approximately thirty goblins. That was a considerable mismatch. Most of the goblins seemed to realize that statistically they were unlikely to succeed in this particular love quest. So about half were just here to watch the attempts of other peoples… attempts to connect. Some of the more industrious were selling alcohol, mushroom wine apparently. The wine thing was kinda interesting but a large group of drunk and horny people did concern me as a potential source of idiocy and violence.

Nanny Shiv was standing next to Rachel. Both of them were looking at me, and they didn’t look happy.

“Uh-oh, you're in trouble,” Spine observed. He said it in a borderline taunting way, but he did move to have my bulk function as a human shield.

“That is becoming my basic state,” I admitted to him quietly.

“Yeah, but that is because of the consequences of your choices,” Angelica teased.

“You’re here too,” I pointed out.

“...yeah, but this is funny,” Angelica shrugged.

Rachel had that stressed look. You know the one. The one someone gets when they have to be the responsible adult in a situation. Specifically when they desperately do not want to be involved in what is going on, but will get in trouble for what is about to happen. “Doug, why did you do this?”

“Same question but add like three exclamation points,” Nanny Shiv added. “It is too cold for a bunch of stupid people to be messing around in the snow.”

“I was simply trying to calm the concerns the goblins had about possibly being murdered by Chimera Corps soldiers.” I started. I considered, “I didn’t really think through what I said. I mentioned some of your people expressed interest in… relations with goblins. Apparently there was way more interest in this idea that I anticipated.”

Everyone looked at me like I was stupid. That is always a bad sign. I know I am not the smartest man in the world. As a generally rule you don’t want feedback on your mental capacity. Unprompted unanimous negative reviews implied a need to re-evaluate my actions.

“Okay, since we are doing this…” Nanny Shiv paused to rub her temple, “We need to actually organize this. What the hell are we doing?”

Rachel looked uncomfortable, “about half of my soldiers would like to have sex with a goblin, consensually.”

Nanny Shiv nodded, “Some goblins are open to that idea. How logistically do you expect to do this.”

“I guess just let people talk to each other,” Rachel offered.

“We just talk to them!” A goblin in the crowd roared.

This caused the crowd to surge right past the idiots in their underwear. Corporal Jeffery Todd, the fish-eyed looking dude was immediately swarmed by over a hundred goblins. I don’t know exactly what I expected beyond stupidity, but it wasn’t this. The Corporal also wasn’t expecting this sort of attention. He wasn’t quite mobbed but the press of bodies was beginning to buffet the guy.

Dammit.

I waded into the crowd and seized the fisheyed corporal. With no better idea I simply lifted him into the air above my head.

“Let him go you cock-blocking mountain,” A goblin shrieked as she kicked my shin.

Ow. That hurt. Well my feeling anyways

“We are not going to just swarm them,” I declared.

“Aw!” one of the soldiers whined.

Rachel, Nanny Shiv, and I ignored that.

“This needs more structure.” Nanny Shiv pointed out. She looked through the crowd. “Glitzy you aren’t here for sex. You just want attention. Get over here.”

Glitzy was a goblin in a violently pink suit with a massive pompadour. “Yes, Nanny? He asked in a deep stentorian voice. He really sounded like a game show announcer. Someone how his words cut through the roar of the crowd without effort.

Nanny Shiv looked vaguely annoyed at him, “let’s just run this like one of those stupid dating shows. You introduce a human. They say what they are looking for, and we introduce goblins until they find something they like. Then they can go off and do whatever.”

“Where will they go? Glitzy asked. “Will they be touring our lovely camp? Privacy is at a premium there. Or will our Goblin few be given an exclusive behind the scenes tour of the Chimera soldiers’…camp?”

Nanny Shiv glared at Rachel and me. Angelica was watching with a shit eating grin.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I am not entirely comfortable with my soldiers just wandering around the camp individually,” Rachel said. She was trying to sound professional and collected as we discussed the logistics of … I wanna say shoreleave.

“I get it, and I don’t want goblins wandering too far from the camp either,” Nanny Shiv agreed.

“We need neutral ground. Somewhere everyone can be comfortable,” Spine chipped in.

“Actually speaking of comfort,” I muttered, “You good Jeff?” I asked the soldier I was still holding aloft.

“I mean don’t make this weird, but I feel strangely safe in your grasp?” the Corporal admitted.

“All of you get back on the goblin side of the clearing,” Nanny Shiv barked at the crowd.

Everyone was looking at me again. I really wish they would stop doing that. Poking the bear I asked, “What?”

“Could you make a bunch of structures for people,” Nanny Shiv asked.

“I guess,” I set Corporal Jeff down next to Glitzy. I took a moment to ensure he wouldn’t be tackled immediately.

I walked away as Glitzy started to seemingly interview Jeff. “So, Jeff as our most eligible bachelor, what are you looking for?”

“Uh…” Jeff managed.

I kept walking. I saved him once. He was on his own with this.

“Ladies? Gentlemen? A little of both?” Glitzy prompted.

“Ladies is too much,” Jeff replied, “One is probably enough.”

Do not laugh at people I told myself. We had hit the edge of the crowd and things were getting dark. Spine and Angelica had followed me. As soon as we cleared Nanny Shiv’s line of sight they burst out laughing.

“Can you believe that?” Angelica managed eventually. “This is such a shit show.”

“I know, the pretty boy has no clue what to do,” Spine added.

“Wait,” Angelica paused, “You think That guy is good looking?”

Spine shrugged, “I mean he isn’t my type, but he is clearly good looking.” he began squinting at us. “Why?”

I really looked at Spine. He didn’t seem all that different from most goblins, other than taller and more muscular. Goblins were for the most part just little green people; the tallest goblin was maybe five and half feet tall. They tended toward a bit leaner frames than a human. Goblins also had larger eyes that humans, elves or dwarves. It wasn’t extreme but it was observable. Goblins also had pointed ears like elves. The only other difference from a human face was goblins tended to have a mouth full of pointy teeth.

I couldn’t quite figure out why the goblins would find Corporal Jeffery Todd with his carp-like face as the most attractive man in the group.

“Just trying to figure things out,” Angelica explained, “What about Doug? How does he look to goblins?”

“Goblins who are into masculine features are really into Doug. There is a lot of interest in his hands and feet.” Spine said immediately.

“That is specific,” I said, determined not to examine my hands.

“Huh,” Angelica said. She considered for a moment, “What about me?”

“Most don’t think you are that masculine but a few people are interested in your feet,” Spine answered.

“I think she was asking if goblins find her attractive?” I stepped into the conversation.

“Oh yeah.” Spine replied, nodding. “She is right behind that Rachel lady on the pretty scale according to goblins.”

“Wait really? Why?” Angelica asked reflexively. I could tell she immediately regretted asking.

Spine shrugged, “I dunno, goblins do have a type.”

I didn’t particularly care about the type that goblins did or did not have. My main focus was to figure out some sort of structure. I considered, “Should I just construct a longhouse? Something like 10 by 20?”

“You going to have them playing dodgeball in there?” Spine asked, shocked.

“It isn’t that much space,” I argued.

“Four on four team dodgeball,” Spine insisted. “That is what ten by twenty gets you.”

“Ten by ten?” I asked. I Grew less certain of my understanding of many things.

“So they can play hide and seek?” Spine asked. “It’s cold Doug. What are you going to do with that much room?”

Angelica grinned “They are gonna play hide something.” she considered for a moment, “Maybe an eight foot half sphere?”

“That isn’t a lot of space. People would have to huddle up,” I said thinking about things from my giant body's perspective.

“Kinda the point,” Spine and Angelica said at the same time.

I quit arguing.“Alright I will try,” I said, willing the ice to distort.

Construction check… Successful

1x Igloo created

We all watched the ice swell up and solidify in to a pretty large domed structure with a crawl-in tunnel.

“Looks good,” Spine said.

“Yeah but what about the inside?” Angelica asked.

“A lady doesn’t ask and a gentleman never tells,” Spine quip.

Angelica pushed toward it, “Go check.”

“Only because you told me to, and are clearly in charge of me in specific situations,” Spine muttered. He had to stoop to enter the structure. He called out to us his voice somewhat muffled, “It is dark, a little moist, and warm. I feel quite safe. …what do you want from me?”

“Come on out,” I told him. I turned to Angelica, “How many of these…flop houses do you think we need?”

“At least fifty,” Angelica said, “and we are not calling them flop houses.”

“How about Frigloo?” Spine offered stepping out into the snow with us.

I created another… structure, “I kinda hate that name.”

“Love shack,” Angelica offered vaguely pleased with her idea.

“No,” I shook my head and Constructed another.

“Fuck Bunker,” Spine piped up.

“That’s too crass,” I dismissed, still Constructing.

“Plus it would be Bang Bucker, got to go for the alliteration,” Angelica pointed out. “The Dougie.”

“Absolutely not,” I hated that one.

“You got to toss another one into the ring if you are going to keep shooting us down?” Spine insisted.

I willed another building into existence, “uh…Slamatorium?”

“That would have to be ten by twenty,” Angelica pointed out…correctly.

“Just accept the fact I was right with the name Frigloo,” Spine pointed out after another ten minutes of us Constructing buildings.

Considering the latest prompt even said…

Construction check… Successful

1x Frigloo created.

… no point fighting reality, “Fine!” I said in a way completely free of petulance.

Angelica patted my shoulder, “I mean, if the dome shaped ice house fits man.”

We came back to see about three dozen goblin women lined up in front of Corporal Jeffery Todd. One of the goblin women was doing a handstand while also doing the splits and smiling at the fish-eyed man.

He pulled at his collar, his doofy face beat red, “uh… um…she wins.”

The crowd erupted in cheers. Which is preferable to erupting in violence.

“Welp pick out a frigloo, they are all free,” Spine told the Corporal. He turned to the goblin woman, “Cograts Chastity.”

“Thanks sweety,” She said before smoothly flipping to her feet and stalking sensually toward the Corporal.

I hefted Spine, “You shouldn’t be here.

“Yeah that’s fair,” Spine admitted. “I get what the Chimera Soldier was saying. I do feel safe in your arms.”

About three rows into the goblin camp Spine changed his tune, “Put me down!” he hissed.

“Why?” I asked, freezing in place.

“Don’t look but on our right is Crafty Shiv,” Spine more or less whispered out the corner of his mouth.

I am ashamed to admit, I immediately looked, “The young Lady over by Ticky and Nanny Shank?”

“Don’t look!” Spine almost yelled.

I stopped looking and turned, placing my bulk between Spine and Crafty. “I take it you like her?”

“Yeah… I've had a crush on her for like three years.” Spine admitted. “She's so beautiful, and she's the best mushroom farmer I know, and she's smart too.”

I nodded, “Have you talked to her?”

“No,” Spine sighed. He thunked his head against my knee in frustration. “I am too shy.”

“That rough,” I acknowledge, “Do you want to talk to her?”

“Yeah but how?” Spine asked.

“Do you trust me?” I asked.

“I guess,” Spine said.

I immediately grabbed him. Hurried through the crowd and set him down on his feet next to Crafty. “He thinks you’re pretty and smart.” I said before rolling Blend In and Move Silently.

I vanished into the crowd and around a tent next to Angelica. “I think I did bad.” That was way too impulsive. Plus if I messed up Spine's chance with the girl, I don’t know. Which would make fixing it damn hard.

Angelica peaked over the top of the tent, “That girl has a lionine grin…. She just asked what about her he thinks is pretty… Ticky and Nanny Shank are walking away… she is laughing… she is touching him… they are walking away together… no wait they stopped.” She ducked. “They turned around.”

“Smooth,” I said.

“They are heading this way. Hide us!” The chosen one insisted.

“I tossed my cape over us and thought stealthy thoughts

Blend In check…Successful

I glimpsed Spine and Crafty walking past us. Spine did glance down the aisle but his eyes slid right past us.

“Thank you,” Crafty said. “You also have beautiful eyes.”

Take that expected consequences of my actions. I was prepared to embrace the never punished lifestyle on this, and fuck off so Spine might actually have some fun.

“Are we clear?” Angelica asked. She was really close.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Cool,” She didn’t immediately move away. She did toss the cloak off her. “We should probably circle back on the Match Game thing.”

That was fair. I stood and offered her a hand up. She took it. We made our way back to the Chimera Corp soldiers…event.

Honestly… It was nice to be distracted.