What Are We??!

The night was a bit of a blur, just like every day Philip gets to spend with Aiden. It's a push and pull game with him which, before Aiden, Philip thought it was due to his partners but, now? It was all him.

And when it got to morning, nothing changed between them which further proved that, now? He was dating a gentleman and not boys looking for a hot body. So, for him to only realize that he forgot his phone back at the apartment when he was waving goodbye at Aiden, was only fitting. He was distracted. Too much on his head.

"Okay, now you are being overly weird and not being very helpful, What's eating you?" Pointed out Jake when he felt Philip slipping off reality, "Trouble in paradise?"

"Oh, I'm not really sure if I could call it that but, I think I'm destroying my heaven by my own hand" Said Philip still absent minded.

"What did you do?" Asked Jake in a sharp accusing tone making Philip take offense but, decided to let it pass.

"Can you believe that I denied him of sex last night?" Shared Philip not really believing what happened last night.

"And was it because you were on your period or just wasn't in the mood for sex, princess?" Questioned Jake in a teasing manner because, they both knew how much Philip loves sexual intimacy.

"Its neither of those things" Replied Philip seriously making Jake seriously listening in return "I just wanted to test his patience. I wanted to know how much I value in his eyes. If we are all about sex or so much more than that. I just wanted... something"

"And?" Questioned Jake invested, decorating the salon all forgotten.

"He was just so sweet about it which leaves me wondering if maybe I'm the problem" Finished off Philip sadly.

"That's because it's true, honey" Said Jake with a straight face, "You are always in your head. Making hoops out of thin air. Keeping your true feelings hidden in hopes people will smell them off you somehow but, you know what? It's not fair"

"It was so much easier with Stanley_" Philip was cut off by a mortified gasp from Jake. He was clearly not happy with Philip's bullshit at that point.

"Honey, you don't need an Einstein to know if that's how you are going to fuck this up" Said Jake assuredly.

"How?" Asked Philip cluelessly. Or maybe not entirely clueless but, too many answers in his head overwhelming him entirely.

"Lets see..." Started Jake, feigning to be seriously thinking, "We can start with you comparing him to your unwanted past, your constant need for affection and baby don't get me started on your insecurities!"

"I can't help it given my history with men!" Defended Philip but, it was weak even to his own ears.

"Well, according to your history you never, not once nor twice met someone who speaks his mind and listens!" Insisted Jake, "I don't like the guy and I'm very much terrified on what he could do but, he's obviously deeply and madly in love with you"

"I know that but_" Trailed off Philip, feeling drained.

"Philip, for the first time since I met you, you look so relaxed and if you love the guy, then talk to him. Say whatever feeds your insecurities. You owe that much to your big boy pants" Said Jake making Philip grimace by that 'boy' word. Should he tell him of his decision? Maybe, not yet.

"You may be right" Agreed Philip knowing well that he won't be the one to do the work.

"When was I ever not?" Scoffed Jake as he went on fixing wall mirrors leaving Philip to organize the shelves.

What Jake said did make sense and a part of him, does know that for a fact. All his life, he only met assholes who just wanted a piece of him which he naively delivered on a silver plate, no questions asked. He was desperate to be loved, who isn't?

And now? He has Aiden. A man who was much younger yet wiser than him. Braver than anyone he knows.

Everything about him screams confidence, nothing really fazes him but, his existence in itself. A man who knows how to take what he wants in a way it's not an abuse of power. Does it make sense?

Philip wanted to have that top surgery, he didn't want to be a he but, it was clear that he could never be a woman even with a vagina down there plus, he loved his penis. It was Aiden's favourite!

Even though he wished to be one desperately but, why? Why was he so much desperate for that change though? Will it make him straight? Will that make it bearable for Aiden's child? For their future?

Ever since he met Aiden, he couldn't help missing his family. Though flawed and unwelcoming as it was, it was his family and origin.

"There's something else bothering you" Commented Jake as he was reading Philip's body language.

"I want to visit my family" Said Philip cautiously. He wasn't sure he wanted to but, it was that need to revisit his past. Prove that he was as unwanted as he claimed to be or maybe it was all in his head and it was anger and fear that drove them apart before.

"Are you sure?" Asked Jake nervously. He was getting anxious for Philip. What could make him want to get hurt twice?

"I can't always be running away from my problems. I think I'm ready to face it now" Said Philip with a nod.

"Even if you aren't. I'll be here for you. We can go together if you want" Offered Jake genuinely holding Philip's hands before Philip lounged in his embrace.

"I don't deserve you" Said Philip, sniffing his tears away. He didn't know it before but, he loved to be taken cared for, "But, I'll have to do this alone"