NOVEL WEB Chapter 22
A moment of long silence lingered. Muk Ha-neul was still smiling, and I was hesitating in the face of the destructive power of the words “I love you,” which I had heard for the first time in reality. Love, what is love? By definition, it is as follows.
Love [noun]
A feeling of deep affection and valuing for a person or being. Or an act of such.
But such a simple explanation could not define this word.
Hearing such a word in reality was probably never an easy thing. The raw emotion that was expressed directly, without euphemism or metaphor, made me… feel awkward.
Because I was someone who had no room to love anyone, did not know how to, and was unqualified for it. I was someone who had never been loved and had never loved.
And above all, this was how I was at that moment. Naturally, I was a figure that had nothing to do with love.
So I… didn’t know how to respond to this confession.
“My answer to your question, senior, is this: You asked, ‘Still?’ Yes.”
Still.
“Ah… still.”
“Of course, I also don’t know if my feelings for you are still romantic love. I’ve thought a lot after hearing you became a woman. So I came to see you like this. It seems a bit early to come to a conclusion yet.”
“….”
“Anyway, that’s not the important thing. I still like you. Whether you are a man, a woman, or a child.”
I noticed there that Muk Ha-neul’s words had changed from “I love you” to “I like you.” It was a message that Muk Ha-neul was unsure if her feelings still held the same affection.
“But… I am a woman now.”
“I thought about you, senior. Just because you became a woman, I worried that something might have changed. That everything might have crumbled away. But seeing you in person, I think I understand it now: you are still yourself and that you won’t run away.”
Unfortunately, Muk Ha-neul’s words were,
“You are still Seol-guk.”
Damn it, that was the very thing I wanted to hear most.
“… Yeah.”
In the end, the only thing I could say was that, and it was pathetically so.
Muk Ha-neul didn’t force me to respond. Perhaps we would maintain this kind of relationship for quite a long time. What I’d choose at the end of that relationship, I still didn’t know well.
But,
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
Muk Ha-neul’s smiling face gave me a small chill.
After finishing the hamburger (I left the fries), we neatly finished our meal and returned home. During the ride back, we didn’t have a proper conversation.
There was nothing special other than when Muk Ha-neul briefly fixed her slightly crooked hat.
After arriving home, I simply took off my hat and collapsed onto the sofa. I was tired. It was physically exhausting, but mentally, I felt even more drained. It felt like I had used up the entire day even though it was still daylight.
I wanted to sort out my thoughts. Muk Ha-neul would probably go back now. The schedule was over, and there was nothing more to discuss. At least for now, I needed time to think alone.
But it wasn’t Muk Ha-neul.
“Well, shall I teach you how to wear a bra now?”
Did that girl have no sense of shame? How could she bring up such a conversation after what we had just discussed?
“Forget it. I can just look it up online. I’ll manage, so you can go.”
“Is this a curse? That’s a bit harsh.”
Contrary to her words, Muk Ha-neul sat down with a big smile on her face. She had no intention of leaving. Lacking the strength or ability to stop her, I could only watch Muk Ha-neul’s impudent behavior helplessly.
“What will you do if you find out that your feelings aren’t love?”
“Why think about such things now?”
“Because it’s now that you think about it.”
“Well, it’s nothing serious. We’d just remain as ordinary seniors and juniors getting along.”
“Ordinary….”
“Now that you’re a woman too, let’s just treat it like friends among women.”
Was she always this carefree? I had only seen her slightly intimidated before, so this side of her felt a bit fresh.
“Don’t treat me like a woman.”
“Sorry~.”
Somehow, I felt like I had lost control just a day after meeting again. I sighed and closed my eyes. Without even the time to sort out my thoughts, I quickly fell into sleep.
~
Senior fell asleep.
I waited a bit to see if she was pretending to be asleep, but noticing her even breathing, it seemed she was truly asleep.
Although I had prepared for various things after hearing that senior had become a woman, I honestly had not anticipated that she would shrink this much. The image I had imagined of her was at least not this childlike.
But I actually liked it.
Senior had definitely changed in some way. She seemed unaware of it herself, but deep inside her, she was slowly transforming. I could tell that. But it would be necessary to understand it more clearly.
That opportunity had not yet come. I needed to wait a little longer.
In any case, it was an unexpected stroke of luck. The smaller senior was cute and lovable. It was a well-known fact that people are greatly influenced by appearances. With this change, senior had no right to complain. No one could possibly resist falling in love with a senior who looked like this.
If senior had still been in her original form, it might have been a bit difficult to win her over. But what was happening? Was the sky helping Muk Ha-neul? Senior was no longer that strong man she used to be. She had become a small and cute, far too easy target.
Of course, senior was still rude and self-centered. But that no longer mattered. Saying such things while looking like this was cute.
Did she hate women? Now she wouldn’t be able to avoid it, as she was becoming the woman she hated the most.
The prior senior had the power to maintain her personality and uphold her beliefs. But the current senior had none of that strength.
It seemed she was completely oblivious, but senior was now powerless.
And defenseless.
Even if she was an acquaintance, even if she was Muk Ha-neul, I had to consider what it meant to let someone into the house at this time.
After taking a photo of the sleeping senior and patting her head, I thought of this as a personal keepsake.
My smartphone rang with a small sound, and I moved away so as not to wake her.
The contact was Yoon Sua. One of the few friends Muk Ha-neul had.
Yoon Sua sent a few photos to Muk Ha-neul.
One of the photos was of Seol-guk with his hat slightly askew, revealing his white hair. It looked a bit amateurish since she wasn’t a professional photographer, but it was not difficult to recognize that it was Seol-guk.
[…Are you really going to use these photos?]
I had lied to Sua, saying I was going to take revenge on senior. Although she was reluctant, she ultimately helped. Sua was not the kind of person who could refuse her friend’s first request. Although she seemed able to act quite meanly when it came to making trouble for senior.
[Don’t worry, nothing will happen.]
[I saw it too… Is that really him? He looks too young.]
[I’m sure.]
[Okay….]
Having the photos was enough. Now I just had to wait for the right moment to reveal them.
Reading the words of senior, who was sharing the same pain as me, I realized that I had come to love this person.
That might be something I should call fate.
Only the two of us who share the same pain can love each other.
Saying that it was revenge was a lie, but my actions didn’t differ from that. Senior might be chipped away and broken in these storms. She might ultimately fail to protect herself as Seol-guk and crumble away.
Either way was fine.
If she manages to protect herself until the end, she would still be the senior I love, so I could continue to love her.
If she crumbles, then the sight of the crumbled senior would also be attractive.
No matter what kind of senior she became, the story she would create at the end would surely be beautiful.
~
I had another dream.
It was Muk Ha-neul’s dream. The sky was dyed black, and dark rain was falling. The two of us were running to escape the rain. I was a man, and you were a woman. We rushed into the house to avoid the rain and roughly dried our bodies with towels.
It seemed we were having some kind of conversation, but even I didn’t really know what we were talking about. After the conversation ended, we sat down.
I read Muk Ha-neul’s novel, and she read my novel. We began to evaluate each other’s works, and as we did, our words began to grow heated.
Initially, Muk Ha-neul, who had been listening quietly, became more assertive as the conversation continued. And I began to shrink.
Eventually, I found myself in Muk Ha-neul’s hand, trapped in a cage.
Looking in the mirror, I saw a small, hollow-eyed figure.