NOVEL WEB Chapter 11
The visit ended without me being able to respond.
Ham Yejin said she would visit again before my discharge. She asked me to make up my mind by then.
What should I do?
I eventually fell asleep without making a decision.
Come to think of it, I had forgotten that I couldn’t receive my smartphone because I had been living in a half-dazed state as a woman. When I asked the nurse who brought my breakfast, she said it was being held by the hospital in case it caused me mental problems if I searched for articles about myself.
Now that I knew, I asked for it back, and the nurse said she would check with the doctor and let me know.
My few connections must have seen my articles. I had no idea what they would say.
The director would be worried about me. That’s just the kind of person he is.
What must the publisher’s editor be thinking? I wasn’t exactly a popular writer, and I was probably just making things worse for my sales due to this controversy.
Muk Ha-neul… I don’t know. I couldn’t even go out on a date. I had no idea how he would perceive me now that I had become a woman.
I felt sorry for Seo Jae-Ah. It had only been a week since I started tutoring, and now the teacher had collapsed and been taken away.
I also felt sorry for Professor Seo. I caused a scene at the place I was recommended to, which (of course, it wasn’t solely my fault), and I had abandoned the tutoring I was supposed to do.
And Gang Hwa-won…
What was Gang Hwa-won thinking?
He hated women just as much as I did. He enjoyed being with women, but he was essentially the same type of person as me. What would he think if he saw me, now that I had become a woman?
Would he see me as just another one of those girls?
Somehow, that thought was a little frightening.
But that feeling was fleeting; when I looked down at my body, I couldn’t help but scoff.
There was no way he would like a frail, child-like figure like this.
It was an unnecessary thought.
Just because I had become a woman didn’t mean my mind had changed to match. Hwa-won would understand that.
Wouldn’t he…?
I tried to suppress the uneasy feelings and repeated to myself.
I shouldn’t run away.
Yeah, I’ve always faced every conflict without running away. Just because I became a woman didn’t mean I would run away from everything. Quite the opposite; running away like that would be even more feminine.
That was something I absolutely couldn’t accept. Because my future life would depend on it.
I had to prove to myself that I was a man, not a woman, for as long as I live.
If that’s the case, it isn’t difficult. I’ve always been that way.
I had no intention of being bound by appearances.
I am me.
Don’t run away.
I decided not to resort to identity laundering. No matter what, I would confront everything head-on.
With that resolve, I reluctantly extended my hand toward the mirror in the corner. Had I really lost strength since becoming a woman? The mirror felt heavier than I thought. I placed it in front of me with my eyes closed. I just had to open my eyes.
Despite my resolve, I couldn’t open my eyes. I was afraid and distressed to see my altered face. But one can’t live their whole life without looking in the mirror. Eventually, I would have to face this ordeal, and if I put it off now, I would just keep procrastinating.
At first, I opened my eyes just a tiny bit. Then I slowly opened them. I didn’t know how long it had been since I last saw my face.
My face… was small. It was definitely small. I could hardly believe it belonged to the same person as before. On the other hand, my eyes were big. I was worried that my hair might have changed from being bleached white. Fortunately, my eyes remained the same ordinary black.
There was nothing particularly strange about it. My eyes, nose, mouth, and ears were all intact. It was an extremely normal-looking face. But there was one noteworthy thing.
I was pretty. And young.
The image of being cute was still fairly strong, but it was clear that with just a little more growth, I would undoubtedly take on a more feminine appearance. It felt as if a little of my previous self was still left.
As I kept staring at my face, I felt a bit queasy. In the end, I covered the mirror again.
What meaning does having a pretty face hold for me?
Is it to live cowardly, flirting with men like other women do?
I couldn’t accept that.
If that’s the way to live, it would be better to just die.
Besides, it was quite uncomfortable to have become so young. I didn’t look like an adult at all. If I wandered around outside on a weekday, I probably looked like a junior high or high school student skipping class.
Buying cigarettes or alcohol would be extremely difficult. I suppose it wouldn’t be a problem since a new ID would be issued anyway, even if I didn’t do any identity laundering.
I forced myself to look into the mirror, enduring the feeling of nausea. I needed to get used to my face. As I stared into the mirror, having a staring contest with myself, the nurse who had returned called out to me.
“Patient?”
“Yes.”
“Here’s your phone, patient.”
The nurse finally brought my phone back. I had been so disoriented these past few days without it that it was hard to fathom how I had lived without my phone. But now that I had it back, I wondered how I had managed without it.
I immediately turned on the phone to check my messages.
There were several missed calls, but first, I checked CocoaTalk.
And at that moment, a self-deprecating laugh escaped me.
Only four people had left me messages. Gang Hwa-won, Muk Ha-neul, Seo Jae-Ah, and the editor.
Even so, the editor’s message was purely business-like. He linked an article and suggested talking after I discharged.
I really felt the reality of my limited social circle. Even writers I thought I had formed some acquaintance with at the usual gatherings in the literary community didn’t bother to send greetings.
When I checked my missed calls, the situation was similar.
Sighing, I reviewed the messages that had piled up.
[I saw the article]
[I didn’t know anything had happened]
[But please recover your health first]
[What will you do about the tutoring?]
It was a message from Seo Jae-Ah. I wondered if she would despise me. I had no shame about what I did, but fundamentally, the act of outing someone is never the right thing to do.
But Seo Jae-Ah had a peculiar way of writing, which caused problems, yet it seemed she wasn’t the type of person with fundamental character issues.
Muk Ha-neul’s messages were like this.
[Senior]
[Are you okay?]
[Are you alright?]
[Why aren’t you responding?]
[Are you in a situation where you can’t answer right now?]
[Senior?]
There were dozens of such messages piled up.
In contrast, Gang Hwa-won’s message was simple.
[Are you okay?]
That was it.
When I checked the time, it was already long past the time when the article would have been seen.
Was Hwa-won still considering me a friend even though I had become a woman? I couldn’t know for sure, but this simple message from him somehow provided a small comfort.
I asked the nurse, who was arranging her things beside me.
“Did anyone else request to visit?”
“Yes, there was one woman named Muk Ha-neul. Other than that, no one else. There was an incident where a journalist tried to come in pretending to be an acquaintance, but thankfully we caught him before he was let in.”
So only Muk Ha-neul wanted to visit. Hwa-won didn’t come.
I decided to reply to the three of them.
[Sorry, I don’t know if I can continue tutoring, but I’ll contact you again after I’m discharged.]
[I just got my phone back.]
[I’m fine.]
The replies came quickly. Seo Jae-Ah responded with a short message, “Okay,” while Gang Hwa-won replied similarly with “Yeah.”
In contrast, Muk Ha-neul called me immediately.
Instinctively reaching to answer the call, I suddenly realized my voice had changed. It was so natural that I hadn’t even thought about it, but my current voice suited me perfectly. It was not a man’s voice at all.
I didn’t want Muk Ha-neul to hear this.
I quickly hung up and sent a message instead.
[It’s hard to talk, let’s chat over text.]
[Are you okay, Senior?]
[I’m fine.]
In truth, I wasn’t fine at all. But I didn’t want to show weakness. I put on a facade, just like I did with Gang Hwa-won.
[About the article… is it really true?]
Muk Ha-neul immediately asked about the article. I offered a bitter smile. The fact that she was questioning the facts suggested she was probably going to abandon me, too. Women are like that. Even though it was likely a relationship she didn’t expect, I felt a bit uncomfortable.
[If it’s about me outing someone, then that part is true.]
But Muk Ha-neul seemed to respond with a confused tone, as if to say, “What random nonsense are you talking about?”
[No, I’m asking if it’s true that you became a woman.]
…Was that what she meant? I felt a bit foolish for jumping to conclusions. But since the topic had come up, I had to ask.
[Are you okay with it? I outed someone, and because of that, a person killed themselves.]
[I knew about it.]
[What?]
[The ones who are a bit well-connected in our department all know. They know that that senior Kang committed suicide.]
[…Really?]
Could it be that my department’s reputation had fallen to such a horrible level? Was it all because of that incident?
From my position of taking a leave of absence and having served in the military because of it, this was a deeply unfair story.
By the way, did Muk Ha-neul still want to be friends with me after hearing that? That was a type of behavior I could hardly wrap my head around no matter how I looked at it. Knowing I hated women yet still wanting to be close to me.
[So is it true that you’ve really become a woman?]
[Yes.]
[…I see.]
However, it was clear that Muk Ha-neul would eventually abandon me. What reason would she have to stay close to me after such an incident? As much as I might not want to say it, it would be simply because she found me attractive.
But now I was a woman.
I was no longer someone Muk Ha-neul could find attractive.
True to that thought, Muk Ha-neul’s reply was delayed.
It wasn’t until about ten minutes later that I received her message.
[Take care of yourself. I’ll contact you again later.]