The 'Smart'phone Saga: A Distracted Journey of Spells and Signals

Cavernous depths have a way of making you feel claustrophobic. Dark ceilings loom, a stone arch being all that keeps ten million tons from covering your sins in eternal slumber. It is an inescapable fact that holes in the earth become a shelter in primarily the worst of times. Even in the best of times, ever since mankind left the cave, the unnerving dark became something that serves only as houses for the grave dead.

Life does not thrive in the shivering dark.

Cold breaths sang a dirge with the echoes of Jasson’s lonely footsteps, like the beating of some death shaman’s drum. Cold ached at Jasson’s teeth and turned his blood lethargic in its duty. Cold fingers held a phone whose battery mimicked Jasson’s own vitality. Cold waves lapped against the hull of the ferry as Charon walked with the dying. A scene that, with the warmest of lighting, would still seep a festering chill.

If Charon would ever shut up.

“You don’t have some kind of ‘withdrawing ability’ on that phone, do you?” Charon said, “It’s just, I can’t take digital when it comes to my classical duties. Gotta be able to rub the coins together, ya know?”

Jasson shivered hard enough to nod and Charon said “Yes what? Yes, you have an app for that?”

“Yes I get it,” Jasson mumbled, “No, I don’t have an app. I did put twenty gold in my VenGo recently, but there’s no way to get it out.”

“Oh, that’s fine.” Charon said, “Cool, cool. I just…won’t worry about getting you to the next life too quickly. You know?”

Jasson sighed and said, “I’m not going to die. As long as I’m feeling cold, I’m not in hypothermia. And I can exercise to get warm.”

“Alright,” Charon said, “but just so you know, you’re the closest you’ve ever- actually no. You blew up. You’re the second closest to death- no you blew yourself up that time. This is your third closest time to death- or me. And third time’s the charm.”

“Well that’s fine,” Jasson said, “I struck out the first time, so I should be good for one more swing this inning. Now if you’re not going to help, then try not to be annoying.”

“Hah!” Charon said, “Annoying! Nearly no one calls me that. Of course, they usually can’t see me.”

“Yeah,” Jasson said, “Why can I see you?”

Charon grinned and said “Because I want you to. Besides, you might need-”

“A ride, I know.” Jasson said, “And it is better to have you talking than just…there. And why can’t you at least walk on the other side of me so I’m not looking at your…dead half.”

Charon shrugged, bony shoulder nearly touching skull, and said “Because I don’t want to. Why didn’t you- ooh! That’s fun!”

“What?” Jasson said, pausing and rubbing his arms.

“They’re adding a twist!” Charon said, “Wow! Gruesome! Your friends are hilarious! And dumb. But so is- oh?”

“Could you not react to things in real-time?” Jasson sped up, “It’s- er- spoilers!”

“Oh, but it’s fun to watch you react,” Charon said, effortlessly striding to catch up to him, “And besides, it might just work. You must like that!”

Jasson growled then said, “Why can’t you tell me, eh? What’s wrong with spoilers? You can’t even see into the future.”

“True,” Charon said, “I just think it would be cheating. Suffice it to say that the ones your friends are going against are…well their family is one of my best clients. You could call them Frequent Floaters.”

“Great,” Jasson said, “Look, you’re not getting any gold out of me like this. Is there any way I can buy a ride to the end of the tunnel?”

Jasson saw Charon react and swiftly said “Not ‘the tunnel’ just this one. I don’t have any service here, so I can’t order a BlUber.”

“I don’t think so,” Charon said, “My car can bend a lot of laws of physics, but not driving through a solid wall. So it wouldn’t fit on this path.”

Jasson looked around and said, “But this tunnel is more than big enough. Can’t you drive in the river?”

“I don’t know,” Charon said, “I’m not risking it. Don’t want to drown the car.”

Jasson rolled his eyes and said “Don’t you have anything smaller then? Like one of those electric scooters?”

“What? No! That’s absurd.” Charon laughed, “Besides, you’d have to pay so much when your stop is just around the corner!”

Jasson looked down the tunnel and said “This is straight. There are no corners. It’s a death reference, right.”

Charon blinked and peered down the tunnel, then said “Sorry about that. Divine sight, you know how it is. I have to say, you mortals have such pitiful vision.”

“So there is an end?” Jasson said, “How far?”

“Oh, a minute or two,” Charan grinned, “By car.”

****

Hours later, beneath the hills of once war, a ghastly procession filed past smoking walls. The coffins of heroes passed beneath five gazes bearing capes of black bones. The signature change from city to field strips them of cover and safety and puts them proudly beneath the gaze bearing a cape of black bones. The personal guard of a noble house with a taste for blood and poison watches as the cortege approaches the only road to the north.

“Halt,” a voice shouted, deep and confidant, “What are you bearing out?”

@*&%, Petra thought.

“What do ya mean?” Scott’s voice called, “I’m taking the bodies to be buried. And who are you to be asking us this, eh? You’re not Lord Ippoph’s men.”

“We serve the King!” The voice said, “And I demand to see your burden.”

“You serve the king?!” Scott said, “But…that’s not the symbol of the king’s guard. I seen it.”

“We serve him, but not directly,” The voice said, a little less confident, “I’ve just been ordered to check everything coming out of the city as of two hours ago.”

“Well fancy that,” Scott said, “We been gathering the remains of our heroes for the past three hours. Funny that. You like seeing mangled dead bodies then? I guess it takes all types. But ya don’t have to make up some frivolous ruling from a group we ain’t heard of so ya can get an excited thrilll and one quarter a face.”

Scott turned away and shouted “ALL RIGHT FOLKS! Start bringing them by this fellow so he can get a gander. The freak.”

“Look,” the voice said, bargaining in his tone, “I don’t want to do this. It’s just orders, alright? You don’t gotta tell them that.”

The guards were shuffling behind their leader, standing across the road in a make-shift wall of man and steel. The coffins approached them, and Scott waved the leader closer.

“Right,” Scott said, motioning for the townspeople to pull the lid off, “Well, go ahead and have a look at this one. Gross, right? The flies have set in and- oh no. Don’t throw up there! We gotta bury them in that! Oh, oh it’s mixed with their lungs. Gross. Man, you are quite the freak aren’t ya?”

“Not-oh,” The voice said, “My apologies.”

Petra felt her heart leap. Was it this easy? It had taken them hours to get all these decoy coffins together and filled with rabbit gore. Were they going to let them pass after one coffin?

Then there was the sound of splintering wood, and Scott cried out.

“Oi!” Scott said, “What’s the big idea, eh?! Desecrating our dead like that! You stabbed through- eh…Collin, I think. And- oh gross! You stabbed through the bottom of the coffin too?! You’re sick! You should be locked up!”

The voice mumbled something about orders, and Petra found her coffin moving. Another retch, another apology, another stab through the coffin. This wasn’t going to work.

Wait, Petra thought, don’t they want me alive? Are they trying to bluff? Or could it be…the other son? It couldn’t be him, could it? It couldn’t be, but…he would want me dead.

Petra felt a shiver at the thought as the leader made his way through the next few coffins. If they bolted now, they might make it past the canyon before he was made aware of their presence.

“Come on man,” Scott said, almost above Petra’s head, “I’m starting to think that you’re doing this because you like it.”

I have to do something! Petra thought. Clara is in the next coffin. I can’t be the one that gives us away. Not when so many people are risking their necks for us!

“You shut up,” the voice said, “I’m just doing my job.”

The lid came off and Petra stared in horror as the sword raised. Petra gritted her teeth, glaring at the bloody point. Splinters of the previous coffins clung to to the steel, and it hovered like Damocles’ lesson.

“You do!” Scott said, “You like it! Are you gonna stab another one of our fallen warriors? Pervert.”

“I AM NOT!”

Petra tensed as the sword plunged, an eagle in the dive for her liver.

STAB!*

Petra panted, the sword quivering a half inch to the right of her gratefully slender waist. It pulled out and the blood in the coffin started to drip out.

*(We apologize for the lackluster onomonopia.)

“Next!” The voice said as the lid for the coffin was laid over Petra.

Oh thank the gods. Petra thought. I’ll have to burn some incense later. Now Clara just needs to tough her way through being stabbed and I’ll heal her on the other side.

“Well then,” Scott said, sounding surprised, “I suppose you’re not. Carry on.”

“Thank you,” The voice said, “Hey, this one is fairly intact. Just guts. Refreshing after this many. I’ll just- hey!”

Petra tensed, welling her mana in her hand with her favorite earth crystal. Did Clara sit up?!

“Hey!” The voice said, “Why-won’t-this-go-through?!”

“It’s come back!” Scott shrieked, “GET AWAY! Aa’cakrizik! Fire! Get Fire!”

The lid flew off of the coffins as the procession fell into chaos. All the coffin lids piled together on the coffin behind Petra’s, Clara’s coffin, forming an enormous bonfire.

“I’ve got fire!” Someone shouted, and a flaming ball erupted in the middle of the stack of death lids.

Scott marched up to the soldier leader and said “Did it touch you!? Did it even breathe on you?! I don’t think it does breathe but-”

“N-no,” The voice stammered, “What- what was that?!”

“An Aa’cakrizik,” Scott said, “The stubborn dead. The fruit of ancient curse. Only fire can kill them, or perhaps a divinity mankind no longer bears. I thought we had checked them all! You’ll need to monitor symptoms. It won’t kill you, but you could spread the plague once you die.”

“Is-” The voice gulped, “Is that why there’s so much smoke here? Did you have that many Akarazik?”

“Aa’cakrizik,” Scott said, “And only a few. It’s a rare condition, and it’s not like they stand up and walk. We simply press on their cheeks with a stick, and if they compress they’re safe.”

“Why haven’t I heard of this?” The voice said, “I’ve been to the battlefield!”

“They don’t do anything,” Scott said, “They just lie there. It’s a legend of the old people. They spread between bodies that touch, and then they wait unchanged until they are summoned. The Crystal King needs troops.”

“Oh come on,” the voice said, trembling, “The Crystal King? You believe in that?”

“I believe in the Aa’cakrizik,” Scott said, “I brought this knowledge from the countries of the east. There, everyone is burned once dead. That’s how serious they are.”

Petra raised her eyebrows. This lie was getting complicated. Was there really such a thing? Oh, everyone knew the Crystal King was real a few thousand years back. But the ‘stubborn dead’?

“Well then.” Scott said, “Let’s move on to the next coffin, shall w-”

“WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE!” An entitled, pregidous, prick of a voice screamed.

Oh &^$$, Petra thought, so it is him. Frick. I-I beat him last time. I might be able to beat him again. With Clara.

“Oh, you’re clever.” The jerk said, “I’d hire you, whatever your name is, if you weren’t in those fiend’s pocket already.”

Petra wanted to leap from her coffin. To get a head start and let Clara catch up. Clara would have to break out of that fire soon. It’s not like they were immune to fire.

The jerk declared, “What my foolish man has forgotten is that these two ‘girls’ we are after have the rare fire resistance. Making this pyre a perfect cover for their escape. Now, if I heard correctly you tried to stab the coffin through but were unable, right?”

“Yes sir,” The voice said.

“And then this man here confused your poor little mind with a fanciful story,” the jerk sneered, “I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

“Oh they’re real,” Scott said, “Test it someday. Surely you’ve seen some uncannily pristine bodies on the battlefield. Those were-”

“Not the result of some ancient curse,” the jerk laughed, “But my, do you sell the bit. Hiding your escaping friend in a burning fire was genius. And since my man was unable to stab them it would be the legendary Clarity of the House of Silver Sabers.”

The jerk lowered his weapon toward the fire and shouted “Come out or burn to death! Or is your sister in the coffins behind you going to intervene first? And trust me, I am willing to wait.”

Then, in a lower tone, the jerk said “The king may want you alive, but I’m begging you to resist. Your blood would look so good in my cleaning jars, and I’ve been itching to get back at your sister. Ever since I lost the tournament, I’ve had a jar for her waiting on my wall.”

Petra shivered and clutched her Mana Crystal tightly, ready to channel the power into her Earth Crystal for an explosive attack. Bullets? Bombardment? If they could get they’re timing right…

It was all Petra could do to keep from getting sick. Yes, she had beaten this man in one-on-one combat before, but it had taken all of her strength to do so.

And she’d been cheating.